Oh Wowie

forget who’s the top or bottom, which one of you is nursing a fresh bite-sized wound and which one of you is licking the blood off your teeth

today's children are gonna become teens and clown the shit out of us for 'eepy' and 'blorbo' but they'll say it in cocomelonese so we won't understand them

omg imagine being born and you are on a spaceship and everyone aboard is sooo so mad at you just because you burst out of some guy's chest to be born. like um sorry i've not been alive before i didn't even know that's not allowed please be nice to me um the spaceship floor is cold is no one going to knit me some little booties i am calling child protective services

Anyone: Hey (asks about a special interest of mine)? Me: Becomes an unskippable cutscene

i feel like girls worldwide deserve a choice of 3-4 free beverages at any given moment

my scrub daddy just bit me