a little bit of this, a little bit of that

“Young Cousland…” said Bryce Cousland, unsure which of his children he was speaking to as he bled out on the floor, “you must listen closely. Arl Howe arranged this attack on us because of our strong stance on drugs and violence. You can not let my untimely passing shake your faith. Take the Mabari drug hound with you, and get out of here.”

(Y/N) could only respond through tears “oh father, I cannot leave you here alone. Luckily, mother will stay here with you. If only the author had been able to play this cutscene further without the game crashing like hell, I may know that I’ll see one and/or both of you again.”

“Dare to be… drug free…” he rasped out in his dying breath, dyingly.

—————————-—————————-—————

(Y/N) Cousland could have never dreamed they would go from being a noble to a freelance police officer. On this occasion, they had been sent alongside other grey warden recruits to kill darkspawn in the Korcari wilds. Being that the woods are not a designated camp area, these beasts were able to spawn in and wreak havoc amongst trees and small animals.

But darkspawn were not the scariest thing lurking about the wilds…

“Want to buy some drugs?” Asked Morrigan, holding up a pouch of drugs.

Morrigan was a drug runner for her evil drug lord mother, Flemeth— who had taken so many drugs that she could turn into a dragon at will. This was one of the many known scary side effects of drugs.

“Begone, witch!” Yelled Daveth, an unimportant character whose name was incredibly hard to find. “We are grey warden recruits, and we would never do a drug!”

Alistair looked around nervously, having already completed the joining ritual.

Daveth continued, “Even if we were peer pressured, we would never! I would rather be stabbed than do something so vile like… like do drugs!”

“But you wouldn’t *actually* want to get stabbed for not doing drugs in a peer-pressure, somewhat cult-like scenario, right?” Asked Alistair “I mean, maybe you you could just do one sip of drugs for-“

“I would *never* drink drugs!” He declared. “Even in a cult-like scenario! That goes against all values of DARE!”

*How brave,* thought the self insert Cousland, *what a memorable man Daveth is- so willing to fight for his beliefs, even in the face of a hot woman like Morrigan offering high quality, designer drugs. Thank Andraste or whichever gods the couslands were chill with that Daveth will be around to help us maintain our values throughout the game.*

The witch Morrigan, having observed all of this, simply laughed as she twirled the pouch between her fingers.

“Suit yourself, then.”

Swiftly, she took out a spell scroll from an unknown pocket to do a quick line of cocaine, disappearing into the powder with a magical *poof*

It was a scary moment, only moments away from disaster. How easily temptation comes in these wild lands….

After slaying 3 darkspawn- one for each character in the party excluding Alistair- the group headed back to camp for the drug-free joining ritual. See, darkspawn do not have much blood. Simply killing one darkspawn does not provide enough blood for multiple vials. The average darkspawn has only enough blood for one vial! This is a true and real fact.

—————————-—————————-—————

It had been said by many that joining the grey wardens was a noble cause. But now, as the (y/n) Cousland stood at the joining site, they weren’t so sure anymore. The chalice held darkspawn blood, which seemed to be basically a drug.

Alistair began to recite the ancient texts.

“Join us, mostly men but women inclusive. And if you die, it’s okay, because we will eventually die too..”

Duncan brought forward the drug chalice, handing it to Daveth. As the first to partake in the ritual, story beats dictate that he must quickly meet his end. He writhed on the floor as he died a painful death- all because he folded so quick on his values. This is the effect of even one drug. One sip of drug is enough to kill a man, maybe even a horse.

*No… * they thought… *I cannot be peer pressured into joining this gang, whose initiation requires me to take drugs. This goes against all my core values. If I were to take a drug here, it would go against everything I have worked so hard for. Oh, what would my father say, that I have found myself in such a situation so soon after his untimely off screen demise…*

“You knew?!” Yelled the gender inclusive Cousland, “you knew about the drugs all this time and never told me?!”

Alistair could only look to the floor in shame

“I believed if I told you, you would have left. The grey wardens need more recruits. I’m sorry…”

Then, Duncan moved to another recruit. the slightly less rendered recruit held his sword out, defending himself from drug usage.

“No, please, I have to get home to my wife and child!” Cried the other guy from the joining quest line, Jory, whose name was even harder to find. He was subsequently stabbed by Duncan, holding the knife in one hand and the drug chalice in the other as he apologized for having to kill that guy.

Now (Y/N) Cousland was the only one left. Would they die for their cause, just as Jory had done? By resisting drugs and getting stabbed.

Or

Would they die as Daveth had done, against their cause by taking drugs.

“… well, I suppose if I’m going to die anyways, I might as well see what this ‘drugs’ thing is all about.”

With that, they grabbed the chalice and took a mighty gulp of the darkspawn blood/archdemon blood/lyrium combo, preparing themself for the sweet release of death.

—————————-—————————-—————

“Andraste?” The player character called into the light “is that you?”

*why have you forsaken me, child…. You dared to be drug free…*

“Andraste!” The bowed “forgive me, o mighty Andraste! I was peer pressured into joining a gang, and felt drugs could be my only escape!”

*your only escape is through salvation…. Return to the land, spread the gospel of anti-drug Andraste. But remember this, that you have sinned. Now go forth, and create an army of Dare-ers!*

—————————-—————————-—————

Standing above them, Alistair and Duncan. Alistair breathed a sigh of relief, offering his hand. He spoke with a smile as he pulled the Cousland to their feet.

“There are better places to take naps than on the ground, you know…”

It was a miracle. (Y/N) Cousland had survived the joining, having been saved by the grace of Andraste. They knew what they had to do. It was their god given destiny to save the world, but mostly Thedas, from the blight that was consuming it. The blight of drug usage.