aylinn

i don’t want to live like this. i only exist at this point. all i do is distract my mind so i don’t kill myself

Sorry for having symptoms of a mental illness I literally told you I have it will happen again

i wish i could feel emotions the normal amount

Sometimes killing myself doesn't feel like enough. Sometimes I think I need to be erased from history

it is what it is [bawling my eyes out]

People who say that being nice will get you further in life than being mean have never been nice a day in their life. That shit got me USED. I came out of the nice room covered in my own blood. You're all liars

Once I learn how to stop being me it’s over for y’all

this is for the bitches who felt bad for inanimate objects, who started worrying about death before the age of 8, who paced the kitchen having an anxiety attack every day before school, who always asked before doing something harmless incase it somehow impacted someone else, who always asked to eat food or shower or sleep in their own home, who took hour long showers or baths and just dissociated only to not shower for a week because you hate the way it makes you feel, who was spoken to in the hallway outside of your classroom often, who wouldnt eat the food prepared for them because the texture was off, those same people who ate it anyway because youd get told "i spent money on this/i made this for you" and feel bad, who felt bad to say they didnt like something gifted to them, who changed their opinions to match the ones of everyone else around you, who grew up with people several years older than them, who learned how to cry silently at the age of 9, who developed sexual urges before the age of 12, who just wished something so bad would happen to them so their parents/loved ones would realize how much they actually loved them and feel bad, i see you. i love you. i feel you.

It's ok to want money. It's ok to be upset that you're poor and wishing to be rich. I understand. People who say that money doesn't buy happiness have never eaten pasta every day because it's 50 cents at the grocery store or been short on money for christmas presents. Constantly scraping by makes people miserable and depressed and of course you're gonna dream about money, about being happy and priviledged. That's not greedy or horrible, that's life. It's ok.

Also, something I feel like gets lost on the people who keep repeating that “money doesn’t buy happiness” is that money itself isn’t going to make you happy. Or getting additional money when you have plenty isn’t going to instantly make you happier. But financial safety is one of the most universal aspects of happiness in the world we live in (even if we wish this wasn’t the case). Like the money itself isn’t going to make you happier, but not worrying about rent will. Getting to have hobbies will. Making your favourite meal will. Meeting a friend for a coffee and a cake will. Being able to afford those things without mental and financial strain will.

It’s always the most insufferably shallow men who harp on about the “male loneliness epidemic” u could never understand the depth of loneliness experienced by traumatized mentally ill young women who are late bloomers watching all their friends grow up and move on while they rot alone trying to make sense of the fact that they’re still alive

One of the worst feelings to finally get the courage to vent to friends that reassured you it's alright to do so, only to be left on seen for the most part. It only reminds me why I chose to close off in the first place.

ill figure it out <- common utterance of a girl who is completely fucked

i know a lot of people mock when certain songs are overused on character playlists but I will never judge someone for putting bubblegum bitch on one. If you decided that your little tv guy is miss sugar pink liquor liquor lips who am I to say he’s not

i'm invisible. i'm not my own person. i'm not real. i'm a thing. i'm a vessel for other people to take from as they see fit. an item of convenience. i'm not real. nothing i do will change that. no one thinks of me past the idle desire for filler entertainment when who they actually want isn't around. that's it. that's all there is to me. i'm not real.