˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

I felt like saying, who cares if it's the last time she ever sees her dad? You've told me how horrible of a father grandpa was anyway. You've told me all these awful things about him, and now you expect me to care that the person who traumatized ME wants to see her father? And so I HAVE to leave the house for them to visit each other or else I risk having a meltdown again seeing my mom and remembering all the nasty things she's done and said to me? Why doesn't anyone try to protect me? Why do I feel like I'm always the one having to do it for myself. I've called out for fucking help more than enough and been ignored, left alone, PUNISHED FOR IT. I've been punished by my own dad for calling the police on him when I thought he was about to murder my mother. And my mom let it happen even though she called MY name while she was being beaten. I think I've done for myself what I seriously could have most times. For once, I just wish people would stand behind their words. Or just act the way their words sound to me.

I wish I could just swallow a whole bottle of pills sometimes or throw myself out a window. And I could....but I kinda told myself I'd wait till I had a life I could be happy dying with. I'm 22, watching everyone else lead happy, fulfilling lives because their parents loved them and provided for them, I'm watching people with trauma somewhat similar to mine be happy. I'm watching everyone but MYSELF be happy. And when I let myself be happy, someone else always ruins it, so why wouldn't I just ruin it myself? It's easier that way. It's easier to assume I'm not loved. It's easier to assume everyone else is better than me. It's so much easier to assume these things when you've been TAUGHT and SHOWN that people are. I think the only one actually capable of loving me is my childhood stuffed animal. I wonder how awful he must think I've become sometimes. But he comes with me everywhere. He's the only one that does because everyone else I've pushed away.