like its finally turning spring here where i live and seeing the sun and it actually warming my skin is clearing out my seasonal depression so fucking quickly and making me feel like one of those overdramatic plants thats getting water for the first time in a millenia

but im still crying over my ex bc they really had my whole heart, soul and body in the palm of their hand and they crushed me and threw me away like all of this meant nothing

but all i want is to keep loving them and keep giving them everything of me

and im so angry at myself and at them all the time

myself because i learned i have like zero self respect at all

and at them because i cant decide if its worse that they mightve lied all this time and never loved me despite telling me that, or that they just didnt know the difference between love and normal affection

the overwhelming support from my friends has been great and im dealing but i dont know if i want to deal with it

i dont know if i want to heal and to move on and i know i need to and all these fucking emotions inside of me at once are driving me crazy and most days i just feel so numb to everything

i feel so numb but my heart hasnt beat freely once and my breathing is shallow because my pain is so physical and i dont understand at all