I really wanted moments of solace together.

I wanted the moments when they'd had a hard day, a hard clan meeting, a day of particularly heavy losses on a battlefield, and they could just come together and find strength in the other.

I wanted moments when Clarke would walk up to a Lexa slumped down in her throne after the other leaders had filed out, seeing her looking so exhausted and annoyed with the general state of affairs, and wanting to soothe it by slipping her fingers around the back of Lexa's bowed neck and scratching there. Kissing her forehead because it makes Lexa feel cared for. Neither saying much cuz they both know they're having the same thoughts, but it's still nice to feel that connection.

I wanted moments of then eating meals together. Strategizing and planning weeks, months, years in advance for their people as they mindlessly pass the butter and jam. Clarke cutting Lexa's toast how she knows she likes it while Lexa reads over the morning's scouting report and mindlessly pouring the exact right amount of cream into Clarke's tea.

I wanted the moments after duty had dragged them away from each other. The moments when Lexa would trudge into Clarke's tent, almost too tired to do much else as she visibly sways on her feet with each step. But still, she just silently walks over and rests their heads together in hello. Knowing Clarke is the only one she can even begin to share her burden with. I wanted time apart so they could have happy reunions. Subdued publicly of course, but very enthusiastic when they reach the sanctuary of one red-eared Heda's chambers. Clarke looking so pleased and smug with herself while Lexa smiles for the first time in weeks.

I wanted the squabbles because they can't help but constantly butt heads but it's FINE because at least half of them are just so they can make up anyway. I wanted goodnight kisses and good morning pillow talks and hugs before they split apart for their days.

Anyways: 

Dr. James Barry had a close relationship with Lord Charles Somerset and was subsequently accused of buggery, which led to a court trial and investigation as homosexuality was illegal. He could have revealed that he was female at any time during the trial to escape condemnation, but he did not. Upon his death, Barry left strict instructions that his body was not to be undressed and he was to be buried in his bedsheets. 

Albert Cashier could not read or write, but lived as a man for 53 years, even after fighting in the uniform of a Union soldier, he maintained his male dress and presentation until he slipped and fell, breaking his hip. 

The indomitable stagecoach driver Charlie Parkhurst lived as a man from the time he was 12, and after retiring, maintained his identity as a man until his death.

i’d also like to add

TDOR 2020. Each candle represents one of the 350 transgender individuals killed this year globally. The United States, where I live, had 37 cases of fatal violence against trans people. 

On this day, we remember those we have lost. 

switching between the same three apps for hours

not speaking to anyone for days at a time

listening to the same songs i have been listening to for 20 years