soft heart

A dad that loves me

A mother who's not sick

A grandfather who lived longer

A pet that showed affection

Skin that doesn't have issues

A body that's healthy

Lots of cuddles, hair petting, hand holding and hugs

A mind without depression, anxiety

The career I love the most

Happiness and contentment with everything

No trauma

Peace

Little by little I disappear

Into the other side I go

Move on? it's hard

Not here, not there

Stuck in-between

Pushed and pulled

Crying for help

Weeping for relief

I feel cold and warm

Numb and not

Hurts but not enough

Can't breathe

Trembling but hot

Surviving but not

Enough or lack of

Stuck in limbo

Unfinished business?

I haven't even started

What am I?

What am I supposed to be?

Blank space?

Seat filler?

What?

I'm just left in the abyss..

The television invented by John Logie Baird and Philo Taylor Farnsworth.

I may not know you personally my good sirs but I am infinitely thankful to you and so so grateful for your services to the public and overall society. Your invention has helped so many minds unknowingly. The television inspires great minds, provides comfort and stability, hope for the hopeless, relief for the depressed, generates creativity in young and old minds alike. it is full of life and soul and it saved mine. It continues to do so even now and it will continue to do so for as long as I exist.

I remember coming home and racing to get everything done before the evening cartoons would start. I would receive tea and biscuits, snacks and sometimes meals. I would sit there for a few hours everyday and absorb the happiness and the magic of the shows. I would encourage my family members to join and it felt ..good. Even as I speak, even at my lowest point now, I can still feel the energy and the creativity that I have been blessed with. It hums under my skin and it fulfills me in times of need and inspiration. Though to my situations I have lost some of that magic I have no doubts that I will be able to recover it all back. Because if I have hope in one thing in this world.. it is my creativity.

Putting it into words would seem a bit difficult, but if I were to try.. I'd say it is like the stars in our skies, burning with heat and shining with light, It is like the evergreens in our forests, beautiful and vibrant and equally dangerous and deceiving, armed with the power to heal and the power to destroy, like Elixir of life and Pandora's box.

Inside the tv were beings I considered family. They came in all kinds of sizes, colors, species and shapes. They didn't judge me, hurt me, abuse me. They taught me good lessons and how to be a good human being. They played a heavy role in making me who I am today. I do not hate, I do not discriminate, I do not hold onto prejudice. I am not racist, homophobic, sexist, ableist, fatphobic, atheophobic, xenophobic, etc. I do not have that burning void of anger in me. I looked at the unknown in curiosity. I did research, learned about things I didn't understand. I do not feel anything negative towards anyone I don't know because of their identity. I would despise a person because of how they behave.

My mystical box taught me all of this. It taught me how to love and accept and heal together. It taught me that bad people aren't always evil and good people aren't always angels. It taught me to try to get people to be better but evil will get the punishment they deserve. It taught me to love animals and take care of nature. It taught me compassion and empathy, understanding and not judging before you know everything. It taught me how to stand my ground but also protect myself. It taught me that backing down isn't shameful and crying isn't a weakness, It is just how we release pressure. It taught me to trust my intuition and what to look out for in evil people. It gave me so much knowledge and so much more. Here would be a good place to stop for I am getting tired and it would take me a lifetime to write about everything and that does not seem optimum, Tehee.

This may seem like a bit of a rant but I thought that it was time to show my appreciation for the television.

so TV, this one is for you, one of my best teachers

I'm afraid of big crowds I'm afraid of being alone I'm afraid of anxiety I'm afraid to talk to people I'm afraid of how I eat I'm afraid of how I behave I'm afraid of feeling sick I'm afraid of letting everyone down I'm afraid of not being good enough I'm afraid of coming off as obnoxious I'm afraid of the world I'm afraid of myself I'm afraid of feeling sad and depressed I'm afraid of the cashiers I'm afraid of public transportation I'm afraid of people throwing me away I'm afraid I might've already thrown myself away I'm afraid of hurting and feeling like I shouldn't be I'm afraid of messing up I'm afraid of not feeling more grateful for things I have I'm afraid of tripping where everyone can see I'm afraid to pick deliveries I'm afraid of being laughed at I'm afraid to order food I'm afraid of how I think daily I'm afraid of all the self harm thoughts I'm afraid of how lazy I am I'm afraid of how inconsistent I am I'm afraid my best isn't enough I'm afraid I don't try enough

I'm afraid …of all of this and so much more, my brain

Where heaven overlaps the Earth I am struggling to get out of my own damnation. What is life like on the other side? Is it calm or exciting, is it thrilling yet familiar, pretty yet ugly, stressful yet one of a kind? For my existence is ghostly, coexisting on every plain but returning to pain at the end of a day. What is it like to think so positively? what is it like to rarely have to battle with yourself and the world to protect your hope? what is it like being you and feeling good about it, even for a few days? What is ..life like seen through the eyes of the untainted?

What I used to be was radiant, like the stars that are scattered across the galaxy and warm like fresh baked bread. I felt like a field filled with hundreds and thousands of flowers of all different colors and shapes and sizes, like a sweet sweet melody, like how the grass smells after it rains and the scent of new books, like how crystals shine and how soft sweaters feel. Like the morning sun.. warm and familiar. They were all me and I was them.

I miss when the forest was filled with so many fascinating animals, when the trees were vibrant and the waterfalls were so majestic, when nothing was threatening or risky or dangerous. I miss when the ocean was blue, crystal clear and oh so deep. Even when we couldn't see the end we knew it was colorful and glorious down there. Corals were so bright and the sea life was just that.. sea life. The creatures living so peacefully, beautiful and unique in their individual ways. I don't want it to be scary or bottomless. I don't want to feel like its a void filled with demonic creatures waiting to tear me into dozens of pieces, like that is where god takes his revenge. I miss when the skies were just canvases with so many different colors, so many magical possibilities awaiting to cater to your imagination.

I used to be happy, so happy and okay. I was doing okay. Until I understood.. I started observing more and I truly started to see everything around me. Little by little it shattered me. I tried to fight back but I'm only oh so strong. Fast forward to now I am hanging on by a few threads. It has been seven years since I started fighting, if anything it only got worse. What do I do when I'm down to one thread?, what will I do when it breaks? I don't want to end. I want my old self back. I want to be happy and alive. Safe and cared for. I want to protect and be protected. I want to dance and sing and draw and read and eat and drink and sleep well and get through my days with ease and peace. I crave a healthy life and a healthy body, a positive mindset and a brain that doesn't whisper hatred.

I do so much to only receive nothing, it's just.. sad. I feel like the monster everyone tries to stay away from. Not good enough for school, not good enough for friends, not good enough for parents, not even good enough for strangers. So I am not good enough to exist?. I can't even buy groceries without my anxiety trying to kill me. Thoughts always on the back of my head; You are not good enough, oxygen waster, idiot, useless, monster, underserving, nobody should care, you like to suffer don't you?, all your fault, don't deserve to eat, pathetic, your blood is better spilled, shouldn't waste money, the only use you have is to be a human shield. too broken, too shattered, too irresponsible, so lazy, so dumb, so annoying, such a burden, a botheration, crazy, crazy, lunatic, overdramatic, SHUT UP!, die, die, die, die, DIE.. just die. Wow.. my own enemy much?. Sad to say that this is only a few. I might just be erased out of existence someday, who can tell?.

When given I question why?. Love?, for me?. It does not feel right. I admit that it is quite sad that I want to be happy but do not know how. Pain has been my companion for a long time and without it I feel numb and incomplete, like I'm nothing anymore, but never happiness. It truly frightens me. However will I get out of this mess?. It simply feels too much, overwhelming. So much to fix, so little time.

Life is unpredictable, I remember distant memories of happiness, long gone. It felt incredible, my soul singing and my heart beating, truly living. I may die without ever experiencing happiness without restrictions again. On very very rare occasions I do feel this happiness. And I must say it feels amazing. Life filled with such moments are only a mere dream to me now. Through my cloud of sadness I'm genuinely and truly happy for those who have achieved such lifestyles. I congratulate them from the bottom of my shattered heart and hope I never ruin anything for anyone.

Truly pathetic I feel. A miserable potato sitting in their room typing out nonsense to try to feel relief. It doesn't come. Even if it did, relief loves to leave me behind, always so pent up and sad, hurt beyond words I could say, I want to live but I fear I might just end up dead.