The X Factor Took My Name

[[Written in the cypher as before and reversed for extra security and uses the f and l code but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

(She was writing updates on and off in drafts before posting in car after writing the last part)

So so much has happened. Midnight Meeting went…more than well. I did not think this would have gone off as seamlessly as it did and yet here we are. If I am fully honest, It’s making me feel powerful but also a bit scared of myself. Something something spiderman about responsibility and power but also-. It’s making me a bit nervous. I am more than I was before. I am myself and more and more connected to the Earth and everything around me. I am pretty sure I know what has happened but I also don’t remember Abuelo or Abuela being able to do these things.

It worries me about what I can do if I ever don’t hold myself in check. If I am not in control.

Enough about my worries though. I got my answers. Which feels…strange. I have a strange feeling in my gut that whatever Regina keeps coming back for, she won’t want to give up. Whatever that means for her.

And Nyssa. Nyssa came over and I could see they were hesitant. And I was so overwhelmed. I…I might have pushed for Nyssa to feed again. It felt like a need and it was amazing to just…float. And not think. And not feel. I finally relaxed and it took the leftover excess of magic off of me. And it was nice. To sit and catch up with Nyssa. Though they want to…maybe take a few steps i wouldn’t…I also confuse Nyssa greatly in terms of my feelings so it evens out. And they agreed they would like to try to feed with me every other day. Which was nice. I don’t know why I feel so possessive over this. I just don’t want to share this feeling with anyone else. And I don’t want Nyssa to think anyone else’s blood is sweeter I guess. Am I…worried? That Nyssa will…replace me? That feels…wrong to feel but not that it’s the wrong words for my feelings. Idk. Maybe I’m overthinking. Credence and Gil are supposed to come over. I can think more then. Until then I will pamper Nyssa and tell them stories.

—-----

We all agreed on the right path. And I went to speak to DeRoy. Why is he so…I get it. I can’t say I don’t. He doesn’t want to look weak. And he wants to feel powerful and like I won’t leave him if he just…woos me. But i saw glimmers. He is so hurt and trying his hardest to reconnect. I tried to genuinely tell him to be honest and that it was okay and that i felt for him. But he….I get it. He didn’t. I wouldn’t have a month ago either. But now I have people who like me and will support me. I don’t think he has that. Not in the ways that matter. I feel for him. I hope he can feel better soon. I am a bit worried about his last warning to me though…although i feel like it assures me of one thing. DeRoy, even in his worst state, still wants to make sure I am safe.

—-

I picked Gil up after catching up with Credence and Nyssa in the coffee shop and picking up coffee for both of us. Then picking him up after his show. It was nice to giggle over running away together and driving back to wait for Regina to come by. Geez….Regina and Gil are going to be in a locked room. Maybe I should have kept the excess magic on me on second thought.

—

That…went. It could have gone better but it certainly didn’t go…bad. I just…am reeling with the knowledge. I…I am also so…dejected? Mad? Upset? I have a lot fo feelings and none of them are…they’re so dumb. Regina didn’t tell me. She had time when she first came over. I went in blind. I feel blindsided. I feel frustrated that she said she would tell me everything but then…it’s not equal. She doesn’t really see me as an equal. She can’t. Not if she’s holding things back but I just…I’m so frustrated and angry that she also seems t o be on purpose misunderstanding me.

I wasn’t asking if she was in her worst state because that would let me forgive her. I was asking because I understand. I, of all people, know that being in that state doesn’t excuse the actions taken, just informs them. I’m not excusing her. I know it’s a part of her. Just like I have to live with knowing that the worst part of me, the part that is shoved down when I make myself forgive and forget, just wants to hurt people as badly as they have hurt me. As much as they…but i can’t think like that. I asked for her ribbon and she seemed so…scared. And hesitant. And I had to fight back the urge to laugh it off and take it back. Now we both have a trust fall. I wear her ribbon around my wrist and have to trust she won’t give me a reason to use it and she has to trust I won’t use it needlessly. I wish I felt as confident as I made myself sound that this was a good decision.

—

I finally finished parsing through all the information. Send it. We need to find those hearts and give them burials. Good byes. Send them free. Is the Haunted House….It is in the process of being bought by them….Hm. And the Steel Mill…and frat row. Frat Row…that one house. I saw others in my vision but I’m almost completely sure. That house has to have a basement that has the hearts. I’m almost sure of it.

And Gil…He’s sleeping right now but…it worked. He looks so peaceful. He’s actually sleeping. And breathing. I feel like crying all over again. And…he told me he loves me. I couldn’t even try to say it back. I was too busy laughing and crying and kissing his face. He’s back. And he’s mine. I have some time to figure out how to say it back. But there’s someone else who needs to hear it first. And then…then I can say it back. I want to be brave and say it.

—

He kissed me. Oh my gods he kissed me. It was so gentle and he kissed me and waited for me to get it together and and and…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a…really really nice kiss.

It felt right but I wasn’t prepared and I just wanted to stay and keep kissing him but…world saving comes first i guess :(

He’s so warm now. He’s so…it’s not fair for one person to be so pretty and to kiss me. I wanted to die though because I was just so flustered that I started babbling? I think I said thank you? Gods I wanted to disappear but also not disappear because then I wouldn’t be able to kiss him again later? And he let me stay in his lap. And he kept touching my arms and I…There was so much touch it was hard to focus. Especially since he forgot he wasn’t wearing a shirt but I certainly didn’t.

Wait okay I need to focus. On our way to Skitty, Credence, and Nyssa. Do any of them actually know how to work this gate?

[[Written in the cypher as before and reversed for extra security and adds the l code to it as well as the p code but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

Having people seek me out will never not be a good kind of strange.

Iredess text me this morning about their experience from last night. It’s so strange this compulsion to want to…I shouldn’t want...to be their source. Right? Is this part of the allure everyone mentions in myths? I was-it feels so strange to say but I was jealous. That Iredess would go out and take from someone else. And it made me inexplicably happy that I got first place. I need to get it together. Because right now Iredess doesn’t want to want that and here I am holding back the offer every time it occurs to me.

And Cat mentioned also not hearing back from…But I am going to wait until Credence mentions not seeing him before I freak out and start a search party. Kine would be helpful for this specific group in case- but! Anyways! I was fine to wait until later.

And I tried to study but I couldn’t think. At least not about stuff I should probably be learning about. So I wrote to get it all out on paper but nothing fit right until I made it into categories. Even one for in case he hates me. And I was just finishing up the one for the last one when I got that text from Credence telling me he was running away and a few from Catherine. So I shoved everything in my backpack.

It was really nice to be with my boys. But what Nate says has me worried about him. And the thread with the fertility goddess is ringing bells in my head. Something is there. Something I should be focusing on. But I can’t grasp what yet especially since the boys were theorizing out loud and just so unsure of what Jessica knows and doesn't. I need to spend more time with Credence. He is starting to act more like the other two in that he won’t just ask.

I was so confused because he’s my boy and always asks me if I’m accidentally vague. It comes with the territory of being so close to El Mas Aya for me.And he always just asks and wheedles stuff out of me. It’s strange he isn’t doing so now. All I had to do was ask. And promise cookies. It really isn’t that hard? Credence is getting too much exposure to boys. I need to set up some time with him and Kine or Caroline. Cat might be too counterintuitive to that though since she is a little too much like me.

But after I was done I just couldn't stop feeling so anxious so I left. And snuck the letters into Gil’s pocket and walked away to hopefully get some herb cataloging done. But he caught up to me and came home with me and read all my letters. Well. Almost all of them? He tore up the one about hating me and threatened to burn it. It…that made me feel good.

Even if it was a little insulting that he would burn my work, it was more of a comfort that he never even wanted it and never thought to open it to read it. He wants me in his life too. So no matter what I feel comfortable knowing that. That this won’t be like last time. I can make mistakes and he won’t hate me. That he sees me. He won’t leave me. Not before…not before he has to. And he…he said it back. And I am so embarrassed by how that last line went but I blame Credence because he ran to my location so I didn't finish writing and–i really can’t blame anyone but myself. I was too nervous writing and just…blurted everything out.

But he said it back. And he feels the same :) He said it back. And humored me. And said it back and I just-aah?? And I let him know he can pursue N but just to tell me. Even if I did get a little jealous. I can handle it. I want him to get with N but I also…it’s just a little jealousy and not of N but that N is the person who can just readily admit that he likes someone.

But Gil said he liked my gardens. :)

And that he wanted to be officially dating. Mine. MiNE. MINE. I am allowed to be selfish and girly here. Just once. Mine.

I need to get a handle on my plants and feelings though.

It’s going to be embarrassing if I keep sprouting roses and lilacs everywhere.

On the bright side I have so many roses for my hair tonight.

Mine.

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

Apparently I need to expand my knowledge of musical theater. I knew it was the one area I didn’t have too much expertise in unless it’s in movie format but I didn’t know it was that lacking. And I want Nate to talk about his new hobby. And I liked seeing him talk about something he knows more about than me. I think it’ll make him feel more like we’re equals. And Credence was good and lively and sweet and alive and safe. I felt a part of me feel better about seeing that.

I knew he would be safe with Gil but there was still a part of me that worried. Even if something in me felt-it’s so stupid to feel upset. It’s so dumb to be jealous over Credence. He’s mine and he is allowed to hang out with other people. He is allowed to dress in clothes we didn’t get together. He should be having these experiences. And I need to trust that he and Gil won’t get into trouble they can’t get out of. Even if I need to rapidly learn to be normal around him.

He doesn’t want to kiss me and I know it’s dumb. I know I’m pretty. I KNOW I don’t need a boy to think I’m pretty. But all I could think about was his face when he saw my hair and I just kept brushing it back and then all I could think was about how stupid I looked constantly touching my hair. And I just wanted to get out of there. I was endlessly happy I brought Nate so he could be a distraction for both of the boys. Just enough so I could run a time frame by Kine and set it in stone.

Even if what Nate said was still playing on loop in my head. I really need to talk with Gil but I felt so conflicted about it. I feel...so much. So with everything in my head, I decided it would be best to leave before I just blurted out that I needed to talk to Gil and just blurt out the plan and how sorry I was to have pressured him and that I can take no and I’m sorry about asking for-Even now all I can do is blabber. And not just smoothly talk. And not smoothly and succinctly explain everything. It’s times like this I envy Credence. It must be so freeing to just be able to be able to fully express yourself without worrying about what people will think and have it work out for you. To just go and kiss multiple people without having to worry about…It’s not his fault. And I am so happy he is getting every experience he wants. But I just wish everything was easier.

I feel like every time someone even gets close to me all I can do is appreciate the warmth and play with fire but not step right in. Which is a horrible metaphor but I started typing it so we’re going with it.

I was just grateful to be right about Catherine. To have someone just agree and even though she was worried about it she fully supported me like Credence but more. She isn’t holding me to any standard. She just sees me. It was the easiest conversation I think we’ve ever had. I wish I could have seen Iredess. The house though…everytime I think about how it became suffocating, like I was in it’s stomach, especially after someone did try to eat me…it felt like bad luck going in. Especially when Catherin was very insistent on not waking up Iredess.

I know she wasn’t upset or marking her territory but also I didn’t want to push it. I guess a small part of me felt…guilty. The feeding was…it was invasive when it was with other people. And it was almost..pleasureable? When it was Iredess. It felt good even through the pain. And there’s a small part of my brain that feels like it’s obsessed with wanting to go back. With offering that up again. With feeling useful and good and not thinking of anything during that time but I know I can’t explain that to Catherine of all people. I know enough even if I don’t know everything. And it feels almost vulgar to offer if Catherine is there.

So I kept to myself and scurried on home and just….I will need a thousand years to think through whatever I am feeling right now. I know the facts. I know…and it makes much more sense about everything now and just…I feel extra cruel to ask for a kiss when, if his hunger is on par with Iredess’s thirst, I must seem so clueless. I should know better. I do know better. I’m the mythology freak in our group. I know how dangerous everything and everyone si.

But when I think of it I just keep thinking of the fact that now I never have to worry about Abuelo’s bouquet getting hurt ever again. He made it so my last gift from Abuelo is eternal. And how he would rather tear himself apart than hurt me. And how he was crying even through the entire…feeding. I keep thinking about how he carried Iredess so gently and helped them up softer than the rest of us. How he will always care about Cat even when he is frustrated. How he tries to understand me.

And I just…don’t know what to do with that. With this knowledge that I hurt and tempt his hunger when I’m near him but I want to be near him. How the kindest person I know must be always fighting off the hunger of his entire existence and just…Everything feels so big.

Especially when I know I am going to disappoint him with my plans soon.

Maybe that’s my curse.

Everytime I find someone who cares about me and sees me in my entirety I am forced to always just hurt them by being…me. Either by being a temperamental witch or a flirtatious human with a beating heart.

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

I’m losing my touch when it comes to my poker face. It’s so weird. I feel just…so much right now. And Nate is so sweet and asking all the right questions but damn it all because I don’t have all the right answers. And maybe it's mean but I just want them to go figure out what's going on with him and Credence or Gil. Because maybe then he'll stop asking me so many questions. Then he’ll be occupied with….actually. If he and Credence are occupied….Credence wouldn't be around for the Kine excursion. Food for thought.

I just feel like I never know what to say now. I don’t know how to comfort Catherine over the breakup…which I didn’t see coming but it’s not like it doesn’t make sense. They both really liked each other and gods dammit all if I don’t feel like maybe if I had insisted she come with me at the party maybe she wouldn’t have…been in this situation to start with.

And I’m making iredess worry for me. Which feels wrong on many levels. But even more so after….yesterday. I might need to lookup things in my books. I know it’s a common myth that it somehow bonds people. But if that’s true then Iredess wasn’t the only one who…But enough of that.

Gil is just…MIA. Which I don’t blame him for but I -I don’t want to think about Gil right now. It feels so confusing and like everything hurts and it’s not like I scryed of have done anything on my end to try and figure this mess out beyond being stupid and asking for a kiss. I must have looked so desperate and just…I don’t want to talk about it or think about it. He got hurt because he stopped himself from hurting me. And I don’t know how to process that. Because it doesn’t change…that much for me. Which probably means Iredess is right. I just don’t want to say something wrong again. And everytime I look at him my tongue gets all tangled and I start just not…saying anything right. And I need to. Because that was serious and…I don’t know what happens now.

And Credence is probably going to get arrested for being with him while I assume shenanigans happen. Or not. He can run really fast. They both can. And just. It’s not like Credence is making things easier either which feels mean. He means well but he keeps brining up the “fact” that Regina wants to kiss me. And I don’t have space to even think about that. To think about what she said when she was being vulnerable. To think about whether I hope she was telling the truth because I hope she was being honest or because-it doesn’t matter. He is my best friend. And he is dating her. And he is happy with her. He wants to date her. If he were normal this wouldn’t be this complicated.

It’s just starting to feel like the only uncomplicated thing right now is honey putting Alex. I know what he wants from me. I know what I want from him. I know what I am and am not willing to do. And I don’t have a crush on him or feel anything for him. Easy. Like he’ll think I am. It’s an easy song and dance for both of us. He gets an ego boost and I get information instead of people off my back this go around. I need to check his social media. Start working the only thing I know I can’t mess up.

I think Catherine and Iredess will understand. And they would probably be the best to make sure I am being safe. Catherine can be in my pocket and Iredess, if the new sleep schedule for today is anything to go by, is nocturnal.

And Nate, he really is wanting the best for me. I hope he signs up for that show. I hope he isn’t feeling as stressed as I am. I hope I can be a good teacher to him.

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

I feel so weird in my body today. I managed to get up and sneak off to get ready so the boys wouldn’t offer to help. I was a little sad that K couldn’t stay. K would just treat me without the kiddie gloves and it might help me feel normal.

It was so strange. I didn’t look as pale this morning. Only a little. But between the paleness and the scar that would definitely form under the bandage I felt so…I didn't feel my best. Normally I know I'm the prettiest person around but I didn't feel like it. How could….AC…and no one else.. want me if I look this unappealing? What if it heals bumpy…What if it heals into a white scar? It would stand out so much against my skin.

The paleness at least wasn’t as concerning as last night. More like if I didn’t get as much sleep that night. And the red I normally wear on my lips just made me feel weirdly paler so I settled for a darker shade of burgundy. Normally I don’t think it’s my color but between that and some extra blush I looked at least a little chipper. More normal and less tired.

But even with the vest and collar and bandage, if I moved in certain ways, the collar would move just enough to show the bandage. And my curls hit just above where I needed it to lay. So I straightened my hair. It felt strange. I haven’t done that since middle school. But I thought it looked nice. Almost nostalgic. When things were simpler. When all that mattered was trying to learn how to hydrate my curls or straightening it when I wasn’t in the mood to deal with the curls. All in all I finally felt like maybe I wasn't as ugly or tired as I felt when I first looked at myself. I felt girlish and pretty.

Until I saw their faces. They looked at me like I was…

I have never felt as unattractive in front of my boys as I did then.

They looked so shocked. Suddenly, no matter how much effort I put into my appearance, I felt like I was just being seen with shock or pity or like I was…It felt bad. It felt like when people would just stare at me when the rumors first went out. Or like when they were just staying by the door last night. Like I was a spectacle and not a person.

So I ran. And to make things more frustrating I couldn’t find anything I needed in the library. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly? I did skip breakfast and my body is still recovering. So probably. I can feel like I have the answers but I don’t have the full capacity to put together the lines. It really is looking more and more like K and I are going to have to go truth hunting. And…..I don’t know if I want Cr there anymore. It was bad enough I couldn’t keep Ir from being kidnapped because my hex didn’t take even though I FELT it took. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if something happened and I wasn’t able to keep Cr safe. And I've seen that it takes so much concentration…It’ll be easier to take care of just myself and K.

And I know he won’t forgive me for going without him and he won’t be letting me out of his sight anytime soon because apparently I am the princess who needs rescuing. So I might just have to…fill his schedule. And maybe see about distracting Grimalkin too. He’s never going to forgive me but- With all those thoughts it really was no wonder I wasn’t paying attention and couldn’t avoid running into her.

Of all people it had to be her. The one person who knows how to get under my skin. But I must really look like a wounded puppy from how soft I was being treated. But she’s not wrong…if there’s anyone who knows what it’s like to be attacked and not feel in your body…or feel like your body isn’t actually yours…I guess it would be her.

And it was nice. To just have someone compliment my hair instead of treating it like I was one wrong move away from a grippy sock vacation. Even if she is ridiculous and can’t help but complement herself when she compliments me. But I left. If I spent even another second in the library I might just ask to skip all my classes to stay with her. I can’t and won’t ever let myself be like that again. I can’t. Because when I make people my suns, nights just feel that much longer. But I do want to just talk everything out. Just have someone who gets it but I don’t…I don’t want everyone mad at me again. And I don’t…I don’t know what to feel. About anything or anyone or even myself.

And class didn’t help. I just felt even more useless. I knew missing one class would end up biting me. And it did. And I still was passing notes. Papa would be so mad at me if he knew I was distracted in class and it was to pass notes. But Ca…Ca knows what it’s like. I think she understood that I didn't mean anything bad about not wanting to be touched. She knew it was about trying to feel like I was back to normal. Even if not touching is…not my normal. It felt like I was making a choice and she listened to it. And she didn’t take it personally. It made being paired up with her even nicer than it normally would have been. At least with Ca she might not see me as just a victim.

And she is so incredibly smart. It’ll be nice to have a class partner who won’t make me do everything. Although I do wonder at the energy shift between her and DR. If maybe I read that wrong. And she doesn’t actually want him? I mean it would make it easier on Credence at least if I don't have to tell him to be careful of DR. But still. My brain feels slower than usual.

I was really thankful that Na just…understood it. He understood what I was or wasn’t saying. Even if he and Cr just need to talk. It feels nice. He’s such a slice of normal. Although I am so proud of him. He really is taking to it like a duck in water to make ointments. He’ll be an even better witch than I will. I can see him being a scrying or white witchcraft focused. Whatever he chooses I just hope he’ll let me enjoy being there to watch as it happens. Speaking of…he’s coming back to the table so I’ll update later.

[[Written in the cypher as before but posting the translation here for ease of audience at home]]

I want to scream but everyone is here. Everyone is touching me and caring for me and I want to shove everyone’s hands off. I need their help. I hate myself for needing this much help. I know they are only doing what is needed to keep me alive. I want them all to stop touching me. I keep asking to do things for myself and no one lets me. And if they do, then they don’t because my body won’t do what I need it to do. I usually love the sounds of my friends voices but everything sounds so loud and so physical. I feel like I can feel their voices on my skin. I can feel all of them glance at me from time to time.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I was doing great.

I talked to R and even laughed. Even if it made me feel like a hypocrite and a betrayer to everyone who trusts me. Even as I felt like I hated myself it was nice. It was nice to not have to plan. To not have to think. To not have to weigh every single consequence because someone else was already thinking of them. And I hate that she still makes me laugh. I hate myself for not hating the way i still feel. Like I have someone who knows me.

Although I guess I should have realized how today was going to go. I can’t even…it’s so unfair. And I am so selfish and stupid for caring about it. I am selfish for wanting to cry and be angry when I am not the person affected. It’s G. It’s just so…so unfair.

It’s unfair that I can't kiss him. It’s unfair I can’t just focus and ask. It’s unfair I am the only one able to hold him up if he loses control-he almost-It’s just so unfair. Why do i always end up in positions where I hex the people I-I can’t think like that. I can’t. I can’t wonder who’s next.

Even Vampires…we didn’t get rid of Connor or his buddy…

It feels so wrong. The way he grabbed me, The way I had to choose to focus on Gil and not protect myself. I could have. I can. I know I can. I did it all in the beginning. I…but if I didn’t then G…It would have been two things. And he never would have forgiven himself. It just. I felt like prey. Like food. Like I wasn’t even human anymore. I was just…food.

I couldn’t even feel my legs when we got to the graveyard. I had to let everyone touch me and drive me and carry me. I hated it. I didn’t want anyone to. Especially the way everyone was offering. Like I was nothing but a delicate princess with a delicate composition. At least k didn’t negate me. It felt strange being carried by them. I normally never touch them. They hate it but they agreed and it made me feel better. Like someone agreed to me knowing best about me.

And then the second feeding. At least with Ir it was my choice. And it was Ir. Ir would never drain me. Ir cares for me.

It was so…strangely intimate. It wasn’t the clothes or lack thereof it was just…being able to offer myself? I don't know how to feel. Except guilty thinking of Cat. Thinking of how Cat had to watch me embrace Ir like that…it hurts. Everything hurts or feels drained. My pride, my magic, my body. I just want to be alone. To go lay down on the fields with the sun and some food. Bu tI have class tomorrow.

For the first time in five years I wish I was invisible. I don’t want anyone here. All these feelings are too much. I just want to be alone to think and process. But I know it’s safer this way. It’s safer than being alone.

Cr is sleeping and I’m so thankful. He was so…he’s been through a lot right now. And according to Ir, he isn't a Hollow anymore. So I guess I’m worried about R also being mad. Again. But at Cr this time or thinking we went behind her back to do this after we got her shield down or whatever. I don’t need Cr to be hurt.

Even if he is a silly billy who traps me using blankets. Which, admittedly, was really, really, really needed. I didn’t realize how much magic I’ve been using. I’ve been using it so much more in this past week than I have been in the past year. But I’m glad I had the energy to finally make Ca her altar. And that it helped so much. And she was so so happy. I just hope that…that it helps her feel better? More real. She’s never had a surprise party and it made me so incredibly happy to throw her a little surprise. Although it does make me wonder about how she grew up. Is it a cultural thing? I mean Da offered for me to sleep over that one tie and wasn’t like…actively chaperoning my date with Gil? So maybe it’s like that?

But it feels different. Heavier. But I shouldn’t make assumptions. It’s not a good thing to do. Although I guess assuming the horn honking being Ir can’t be too bad. The noise made me giggle and I can only imagine how and what shenanigans happened to have that effect. I really really hope they like their rocks. I tried to sneak them into my pocket earlier. And they’re not the quartz or other gems and stones I have but they feel more meaningful. Like Abuelo’s Lime tree and the Mal De Ojo bracelet he gave to me. Technically my Quince ring is worth more but those two things mean more to me. And now if Ca is hurt or fading Ir can help if I can’t. Just two beings on the bridge between the abyss and here. Or the ones closest to it. More comfortable.

Although I do wonder what G had to ask? It seemed like everyone kept making comments about it but he didn’t really say anything? No that I would really know how to start. I just…don’t really know where I stand. I think we’re still okay? And Cr didn’t come back telling me we had to leave so I’m assuming the two worked out whatever Cr wanted to mention? He didn’t bring up anything through text so I’m trying not to worry about it.

Or think about what was so important he wanted me to scry when I was alone? Or away from him. I know what happened AT the event and I can’t imagine what he wants me to see…It’s making me nervous. I really wish I was like Na. That I could just be all open and obvious and sweet without any of my hangups. It’s not like I WANT to be like this. I didn’t use to be like this. I just…I don’t know. My thoughts keep spinning I guess.

Especially with what everyone said and mentioned. I don’t even know if I should be writing this. Or using this website. Maybe it’s time to get a physical journal? But that’s always felt so..permanent. Like my emotions are forever locked down into what I write. Like the text I sent. God, I just…everyone’s gonna be mad at me. Except that they aren’t. She was gonna find out regardless and everyone will understand mitigating the offset of anything wrong happening. I am not the center of the world. G was not angry at Ki because of me jokingly flirting with them. I am not the center of the world.

No one is angry at me. I am not the center of the universe.

….I wish I could go walk in the forest. That would probably fix me.

Between the dumbest idea I’ve ever had and the potential blow up and a future boxing match and a future scrying and just the idea of trying to get close to A again is...ugh. I need to stock up on thread again. If G loses I’m never letting him eat any of my cooking again.

I need to dye my hair again. It’s probably full of greys by now. I think I stashed some dye somewhere under the sink. After talking to A it will be my little treat. Which will happen sometime soon? Maybe. I don’t know. I need to talk with Ki. I forgot to nail down a day. But on Ki’s schedule since I don’t wanna make them miss class or whatever.

I forgot to tell G my mom wants to meet him. Well…add that to the to do list.

I hate crying. I hate feeling so much all the time. I just-it took me by surprise. I never did anything to Ais. I never would. So why would she do that to me? I thought she liked me. Or at least tolerated me and respected me as a human. Not like everyone else. She never actively did anything. And now years later she decides to do this. And despite what Cr says could hurt us. Me. Maybe even him. All because he’s associated with me. I’m so tired of this.

At least R had the decency to stab me in the front instead of the back. I’m just so so tired. I ended up crying but I was so frustrated and-it sounds so dumb-heart broken? I was heartbroken that Ais would do that. And for seemingly no reason. It’s so frustrating and I’m so…I don’t want to be angry but I am.

And Ca was so sweet. I couldn't move. I didn’t want anyone to see me and she still reached out. I’m so happy I managed to prepare my surprise before everyone came over. It meant the world to me. And I hope this manages to help her feel better. She looks so tired. And she offered to go looking but I can’t do that to her. Not when it would hurt to know she got hurt because of me. At least she promised she wouldn’t get herself in a pickle. I trust her.

And everyone behaved after that. Poor Cne though. She got so much more info than she was probably planning. And between her and Iv…well…Some things are starting to add up. Although it does make me angry that those pigs haven’t done anything to stop this. I know K must be exhausted. The burden of magic sometimes almost outweighs the benefits.

But we all got the info we needed, and they all trusted me enough to let me heal them. It meant everything to me. They are all so trusting. And I want to keep them safe and earn and keep that trust. Which made me just feel all the more better about taking K aside. I knew it was going to get them worried about me. (Not that I would admit it but I’m more than a bit worried about myself.) But they agreed to take me. To show me, help me and to even stay. I owe them big time. Maybe I could get them a small bouquet of thistles and bluebells? If I remember correctly those are pretty nordic and mean bravery and gratefulness. As a thank you. I really need to brush up on my nordic mythology.

I am a little surprised they didn’t ask me to visit Anya. But also…seeing as how the histories match up I’m also not that surprised. Maybe I could offer to go visit her with them? I can’t promise I’d be any help but I could try.

I hope Ir likes their matching gift with Ca. I think it will help them feel much more comfortable. Both of them. And if I’m ever away at least I know it will help me feel better if I ever can’t reach them. Especially since they seem to spend so much time together.

Baking calms me more than cooking does. Baking is an easy set of precise instructions. You go in knowing exactly how much to measure and how much is going to come out and how. Precise, predictable, stable, calm. Lately life has felt more like cooking though.

I start out with the idea of what I want but then something goes missing, or ends up being different, or i thought i had something then don’t. When Ir text me I was so excited. Being around them feels like walking through the woods. It's quiet even with the chatter in such a peaceful way. And I always find new things. A pine cone or a new point of view from Ir. And I was going to maybe ask them how everything was going with classes. They probably are having the same issues as Cr and I can help if it’s the basics. Plus, even if I don’t see a need to “pay me back” I was going to see if they could help me make tea and maybe tidy up my apartment before everyone comes over so they can feel less…I don’t know. But they have made mentions of paying me back and at least this way they won’t feel like they owe me. It really was my pleasure to help out Ir.

I really wish life was like baking. Just…one day. I don’t know why Cr ended up like that at first. Seeing him when I went to go pick up Ir and running towards my apartment made me so worried. Especially hearing them warble on the phone. Having Ir there helped me feel more grounded. If I came up short maybe they could help. I didn’t want them anywhere but next to me. I guess that’s really immature of me. I used to do everything by myself and now, because of Cr and the MBoM I keep looking around for help.

And seeing him reform almost made my heart burst out of its chest. I would not be able to handle it if something were to happen to him. But he feels like he did that day in the graveyard? But also different? I can investigate later but I am just glad he is back to normal. I can’t do life without my honey bee.

And he always knows what I need. So he started the meeting after joking around and helping me diffuse my nerves. I haven’t been that visible in a group full of people in a while. It was a lot of different energies but Thankfully everyone was a little spread out. So if I looked towards Iv and Cne I would see Ir. And Ca was next to G which made me feel so much better. He even let her rest her head on his shoulder. I’m so glad they’re mending whatever seemed to be iffy earlier. And she had someone to hold onto. And G is safe. I get the feeling this many emotions could be nerve wracking for Ca.

And Cr was were he always is. It felt like an anchor. He was where he was supposed to be so nothing could go wrong right? Then K decided to go ahead and Ca and G….I-I don’t want to be frustrated but it felt like Ca and G were just itching for a fight. And G just wouldn’t let up. It’s not like K isn’t trying to help them and I can understand not wanting to make the passing over traumatizing. Besides…between everything happening even I’ve barely seen CA. And G has been pretty busy..maybe I should start forcing myself to be more used to not asking him around so he can actually go to other people. And it's just. Everything. Everything kept spinning out of hand. And we all had promised no screaming or arguing and I just–It was a little frustrating to see Kine and Gil keep biting at each other.

But then I think, I-

I was so stupid. Am. And don’t want to make assumptions. But just..I was so playful with K earlier. But they were and have always been around. Especially this summer-which in retrospect makes sense. K feels comfortable to be around. And I didn’t…I can see how..I am just a mess. I guess I never really learned how to talk to people like a normal person. It all turns into banter and more than half the time it is flirtatious. But I wouldn’t…I’m not flaky. I wouldn’t..especially not in front of him. I thought..I thought he knew that.

I know I’m jumping to conclusions but it’s just so frustrating. Nobody needed to fight. And he’s never gotten like that when I flirt with Ca or Ir. I’ve even kissed them before in front of him. So there should be no reason that little moment….But I just. That’s why I don't want to assume it’s all about that moment. But I don’t think it helped. I feel like a failure. I couldn’t even get my list right and kept circling to previous things and forgetting things. I’m so upset. I just don’t know if I’m upset at Ca and G for not letting it go. K for continuing. Or myself for not stepping in sooner or for maybe even just..planting doubt about myself like that. I didn’t mean to…I just wanted us to all know what the othe ris doing for buddy system accountability. I forgot to mention my question for K but I’ll ask after the meeting.

((In Game: Written as Xochitl prepares her home for the meeting with MBoM: Mine edition after class.))

Buefuenofo cofomofo tofodosfos quiefuierenfen serfer mefetifichesfes vafamosfos afa tefenerfe quefue serfer másfas infitefelifigenfentesfes defe lofo quefue nosfos crefreenfen. Peferofo alfal obfobjejetifivofo defe lafa esfescrifritufurafa. Nofo mefe efequifuivofoquefue enfen trafratarfar defe hafablarfalr confon GFE sofobrefre lofo quefue senfentíafia sinfin unfun planflan dede luflujofo ofo tefenerfer misfis palfalaflabrasfras másfas bienfien plaflaneafeadasfas.

Sifienfentofo quefue quiefuierofo grifritarfar. Porfor sefe quefedofo lafla nofochefe yfe penfensefe quefe hafabiafiamosfos pasfasadofado lofo exfextrañofraano defe lafla nofochefe anfanteferiorfrior. Yfi mefe senfentíafia tanfan bienfien. Profrotefegidafida. Yfi…nofo sefe nofo quifuierofero usfusarfar otrafotra palfalabrafabra.

Crefreofo quefe esfesofo esfes élfel porforquefe élfe penfesafabafa quefe yofo queferíafria esfescufucharfar quefe élfel nofo ifibafa volfolverfer hafablarflar sofobrefre lofo quefe sofomosfos. Yofo quiefierofo tenfenerfer elfel tifitufuloflo hificefe pafarafra nafadiefie másfas quefe senfentirfir quefe mefe puefuedofo exfexprefresarfar yfe hafablarflar sofobrefre tofodofo sinfin penfensarfar quefer élfel nofo quiefuierefre lofo misfismofo?

Másfas ofo menfenosfos siemfiemprefre pienfiensofo quefe nofo lefe molfolesfestafa defe misfis afecfafeccionfionesfes yfe afapafapafachenfen peferoro…hayfay vefecesfes quefe mefe prefreofocufupofo quefe mefe pafasófo defe lisfistafa ofo quefe mefe esfestoyfoy porfortanfandofo cofomofo unafuna rafrabofo verferdefe.

Peferofro nofo hayfay defe quefe. Mefe exfexpliflicafarefe mefejorfor desfespuésfues defe verfer enfen elfel másfas alláfalla sofobrefre loflo quefe élfel queferíafria quefue yofo viefierafra. Yfe desfespuésfues habfablaflarefremosfos másfas enfen pazfaz.

Aunfuanquefue hafablanflandofo defe pazfaz….Elfel tamfambién fien nofo tofo quefe Crfr esfes táfa bifienfen yfe pafasafa mufuchofo tiemfiempofo confon Nfen. Yfe esofeso norformalfal menfentefe nofo mefe imfimporfortafa.

Peferoro hafa pasfasafadofo tanfantofo tiemfiempofo desfesdefe quefe tofododo pafasofo yfe sienfientofo cofomofo quefe tofodosfos pastasantan masfas tiemfeimpofo quefe yofo. Ofo comfomofo quefe soyfoy malfal amifamigafa porfor nofo busfuscarfarlefe masfas peferofo hificefe nofo esfestafa confon Nfene esfestafa concon Rfere ofo esfatafa confon losfos ofotrosfros.

Esfes lofo defebifidofo yfe lofo quefe queferíafria porfor elfel. Unfunafa cofomunfunifidadfad. Peferofo nofo sefe…mefe mofolesfestafa quefe yofo mefe sienfientofo…..nofo esfestoyfoy segfegurafura defe serfer lafa prifrimeferafra ofo…nofo sefe. Nofo esfe bienfien. Nofo esfes jusfustofo. Peferofro mefe sienfientofo desfescalifalibrafradafa enfen misfis senfentifimienfientosfos.

Yfe confon totodofo yfe esfesofo y fe lofo defemásfas… Cafa yfe Irfer esfestánfan losfos dosfos tanfan herferifidosfos quefe mifi menfentefe nofo pafarafa defe prefreocufocuparfarsefe sofobrefre losfos dosfos. Esfespeferofo quefe elfel téfe, bolfolilfilosfos, afaguafwa defe calfaldofo, yfe mifi sorforpresfressafa seafea unfun camfambiofio porfor loflo buenfuenofo pafarafa losflos dosfos. Yafa tenfengofo lisfistofo tofododo yfi unfunafa cofopiafia defe tofodofo pafarafa quefe Irfere mefe ayufuyodefe confon prenfrenderfer lafa vefelafla porfor sifi unfun diafia yofo nofo puefuefodo yfe Cafa esfestafa “enfenfermafa”.

Fui afa esfestufudiarfiar anfantesfes defe misfis claflassesfes yfe finalfalmenfentefe esfestoyfoy afa mifi mefetafa defe esfestarfar tresfres semfemanasfanas adelfadelanfantafadasfas enfen misfis esfestufudiosfios. Aunfanquefe mifi menfentefe esfestafabafa llenfenafa defe loflo quefe esfestáfa arrifarribafa.

Peferofo fui afa misfis clasflasesfes yfe tofodofo fue infenterferesfesanfantefe. Protecfrotecciónfion yfe amufulletfetosfos yfe lofo quefe masfas queferíafria esfescufucharfar anfantesfes defe irfir afa Kafa. Tenfengofo unfun planflan…yfe nofo esfes loflo mefejorfor…peferofo sifi crefreofo quefe seferáfra unfun planflan quefe hifecefe sirfirvefe seferáfra loflo mefejorfor.

Oh :)

Oh...

Oh!

Oh~

Oh?

Oh?!

And tbh. Not sure how I feel about this revelation.

🤔😎🍵🫖🚙🥰🍪📚📖📑💻🥰🤔😬🤔🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐🤷‍♀️🥰💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤

And scene.

(((In Game Note: Written after Xochitl says goodbye to Nate. - Maybe…For now it works-)))

—-------------------------------------------

I….should be given the purple heart for not having passed away at the sheer amount of stress I’ve been under. Wtf is my life..? I need to brush up on more poultices. And probably take a first aid course….or a computer course.

Or maybe I should take my own advice and trust that my friends can and will be fine without me turning into a mother hen.

………

Anyways the realistic answer is I will just have to see if i can squeeze in some basic youtube tutorials and not take an actual course.

But I’m glad Cr was around to bring Ir to me. And I’m glad that it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Anything more and I would have to put them both in my car and take them to either abuela or the ER. And seeing as I don’t have Iv’s number to get Ir’s information it would be to mami and abuela. But thankfully this was about the level I could manage. I’ll check in with Ir after class or before if I can. I should make them soup if it's after. And maybe some bread. Less trouble to consume or digest.

And I need to get a grip. I’ve been stress baking. Too much. I’m glad Abuela picked up that huge bag of flour for me when she was stocking Cr and I up. But I managed to give away some of them to Na. And I can go ahead and give a dozen to Cr and G each. And the other dozen Ir can probably have or give to K and Iv.

Which-Proud of Na but it really is a testament to the teenage spirit that after everything we’re both complaining about boys in my kitchen. But we talked and I think I might have given good advice? Idk. ngl he wasn’t wrong about how strange everything is but that’s a neither here nor there issue. It’s not like monogamy was and is the end all until the last century or so. I don’t really wanna think about it for too long but…it was nice. To just bitch and complain. And for a second feel normal. And give a quick lesson. Na has potential. So much potential. And confirmed what I thought and added to my own knowledge. Al is the snake. And there’s something he’s waking up. Something old. And it has to do with the dgrs and <3.

That’s a problem for tomorrow me. I have enough with trying to keep the peace. Especially since it seems between Cr and G, I’m on the side with no backup for once. But Na needs someone on his side and I do actually want to be there and believe in being there. Just the way their guilt manifests would rub both Cr and G the wrong way. They’re such outward people I don’t think either of them truly understand the quiet stewing that can happen in the cauldron’s of people like Na and I. But It’s nopt my job to fix those relationships. Just to guide Na. And do my utmost best to keep my jealousy over Ca on the backburner. R isn’t his best friend and neither is anyone else. I’ve had sleepovers. He can have a sleepover with our friends. That's normal and good.

—-------------------------------------------

Maybe if I take an extraordinary amount of Nyquil I can meet the hat man instead of….well. I am not going to think about it.

Except that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and now I don’t know whether or not to trust my dreams. In a sense all dreams are real. Lucid dreams are rare. Communing with Tchl is different. Or it’s a glimpse into your psyche right?

I don’t..want..to trust her. Not when it makes me feel like I’m betraying everyone I know. Just being around Mami was so hard today. I don’t-I felt like I couldn’t say anything. I appreciate that she didn’t make me say anything. And Abuela was acting so normal but she always does because she knows everything and she’s so smart and wonderful. And I know that means she wants me to figure it out myself or at least giving me space to. Which…now that I’m away feels nice. It feels nice that the best woman I know trusts me.

And Mami is trying. She is. And we joked about the tomato plant incident, which actually made me smile that morning. I just feel so…bad. about ..everything. And I don’t know how to bring it up to her because I want her to listen and let me moan and be annoyed and then give me advice. But I know she’ll do all of that until the advice part and instead of giving me advice she’s going to just tell me not to do anything. Or to leave it to her. I just want guidance and just…What am I even supposed to say? Mom I had a weird dream and it made me realize things about two people and what I want but just wanting two different things feels bad and like I’m bad?

Not when everyone would be so upset with me. Most of all, me. I hate this feeling and I feel like I’m going to explode from it all. I just want someone who can listen but I feel trapped.

But probably a good reason why when I was finally able to escape, grabbing Ir, and showing them the garden it was just nice. Nice to be able to just….be. Ir, they give me the space to just be myself. To be magical. And everything is so natural. They understand the forest. And the plants. And the need to scamper at times. Or just tap into things.

They make me feel seen. And they don't think like everyone else. So it's nice to get input from a different perspective. And just-I’m really fond of them. And nice that I can chase rabbits and not have someone question why I'm picking up a snake skin. Which. Is. Interesting. But I'm planning on using it for a quick lesson if Na isn't too distraught. See if we can check to see if his abilities have more of a leaning towards scrying.

And after that just a free evening until G comes over. Which… I'm hoping it will be nice. I just want to watch movies or talk. Or maybe finish up some crafts for Aunty Nguyen. Ando hope he doesn't hate me by the end of it. Or I didn't force him to. Or I set up expectations for anything else? I have a feeling I'm going to be putting my boot in my mouth before tonight is over.

Why am I only suave around people i don't care about?

Wait. Shoot. Now I need to clarify if this is a date. >:c

Why is being mature so annoyingly dependent on being vulnerable and transparent?