rika

*cries in corner cuz sicheng is the ultimate baby*

The way be says 'very happy' I'm ugly crying

@GeumNa

— jung jaehyun.

part one.

{friday, 11:47 am} you woke up that morning to a cold bed. your brain fogged with confusion before it registered that you were in the guest bedroom, and you had just broken up with jaehyun the night before.

a painful twinge erupted in your chest as you relayed last night’s events, and you brought the covers over your head as you realized how cold it was being all by yourself.

you let out a heavy sigh before deciding it was now or never to pack all your things and find somewhere to stay for the time being, all while you sorted this mess out. you forced yourself out of bed and made your way to the bathroom, washing your face and brushing your teeth before you began putting it away into a bag.

once you gathered all your toiletries you began walking towards your bedroom, not knowing whether or not jaehyun was even home. you braced yourself, half expecting to face him, and half expecting him to be gone for practice. you didn’t really know his schedule all that well anymore.

you pushed the door open, and to both your relief and disappointment, he was gone. bed made and all.

so much for talking shit out you grumbled to yourself.

you shook her head, figuring it would be easier to pack your clothes up without his lingering presence. and you tried to believe that without him here, it wouldn’t hurt so much to leave.

but deep down, you felt that twinge in your heart again.

here or not, it still hurt.

you made your way to your shared closet, grabbing a few t-shirts as you began folding them individually. slightly distracted, your mind wasn’t drifting too far off. your head suddenly wasn’t clouded with all these thoughts that made you want to curl into a ball and cry. you weren’t thinking about how you and jaehyun were no longer together anymore. and most importantly, you weren’t thinking about the fact that once you finished packing, it was all gonna be over.

keep folding, you thought to yourself. keep folding, don’t think.

in less than an hour, you had managed to pack up most of your clothes. it was only when you started going through your sweater pile that you suddenly felt a painful thump in your heart. there in your lap sat the one sweater jaehyun always remembered to leave you when he went on tour. he always made sure to wear it a few days prior so it would smell like him. he knew how much it comforted you.

you sighed, grabbing onto the black material and softly inhaling the scent. it smelt just like his cologne. smelt just like him.

for a moment you contemplated taking the sweater with you but decided against it. there was no use in missing him even more.

you decided to take a short break from folding your clothes and started going through other things you kept in your drawers. it was mostly jewelry. some polaroid pictures here and there.

and then came the letter and the picture of you and jaehyun that he gifted for your two year anniversary.

with a heavy heart you picked it up, staring at the picture of you and him cuddled up next to each other in your pyjamas and santa hats on christmas eve. it was always his favourite picture of you both together.

you swallowed the lump in your throat, grabbing the letter he wrote to you and sat on the floor beside your pile of clothes.

you forgot entirely what it had said. and for one last time you just wanted to go back to a time where he still loved you.

you opened the letter and held your tears.

to the love of my life,

happy 2 year anniversary baby! okay, so i don’t normally write letters and shit cause tbh it’s way too time consuming in my opinion and i would much rather write things faster on text, but … i know you, and you’re a sap for this kinda thing and i just really really want to make you happy today. you know, my hand’s already cramping but it’s so worth it because i know this is gonna make you smile, i can already picture it. i know you like this sentimental kinda stuff so i’m doing this for you because i love you more than anything and you deserve to feel good today. i just want to tell you that you mean so much to me and i can’t ever imagine a life where you’re not in it.

you pause, the tears beginning to run freely down your face.

i have never loved anyone as much as i love you and i want you to know that you’re always gonna be my forever. even if there’s times where we fight like crazy, or even try to end things, i’m always gonna come back to you. if you ever doubt how much i love you then i’ll tell you a million times again and again until you believe me. i’ll never forget to tell you how much i love you. you’re always gonna be it for me. so thank you for the best two years of my life, i’m gonna try to make you the happiest girl in the world because you’ve made the happiest guy in the whole universe. happy two years, and here’s to many more, y/n. i love you always.

yours truly,

jaehyun.

you noticed the small droplets of tears dripping onto the thin piece of paper, smudging the ink on certain parts of the letter. you closed your eyes for a moment, taking a few deep breaths to calm your crying.

“are you reading my letter?” a voice called behind you as you looked back in surprise.

jaehyun was leaning against the door frame, still in his practice clothes as you observed the slight frown on his face.

“huh? oh, yeah. sorry, i was just, getting all my things packed.” you shook your head as you sniffled and wiped the tears abruptly off your face. “it won’t take me that long to get all my stuff ready.”

you turned back around to fold the rest of your clothes before jaehyun walked over, grabbing the shirt away from you. he sighed and took a seat next to you on the floor as you avoided his gaze.

“i still mean it you know that.” he spoke softly.

“what do you mean?”

“that letter.” he said. “i remember what i wrote, and i still mean everything i said to you.”

you scoffed slightly. “you know, if i remember correctly you’re the one who said you didn’t love me anymore last night.”

“i never said i didn’t love you-“

“you said you didn’t know. and that was enough of an answer for me.” you interrupted. “it was yes or no, and you saying you don’t know was just a nicer way of saying no just because you knew it would hurt my feelings if you told me the truth. but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter anyways.”

“baby-“

“don’t call me that.”

jaehyun sighs again, running a hand through his hair to push it out of his face. “i don’t want you to leave.”

“there’s no reason for me to stay.” you utter, your voice breaking slightly.

“yes there is. i love you, y/n. please don’t go.” he pleads, finally grabbing onto your hands. “please.”

you tried to retract from his hold, but him being much stronger than you had its advantage as your slight tug was no match for his tight grasp. “we don’t even talk anymore. i feel like i don’t know you.”

“i’ll fix things.” he says. “if you’ll let me, i’ll fix things. i’ll make it up to you. just please don’t leave me, y/n. i can’t, i can’t live without you, you know that.”

you finally look up to face him, his eyes watery with tears that have yet to fall. “why were you so distant?” you whisper. “did i do something wrong?”

“no! no, god, you didn’t do anything wrong.” jaehyun sighs.

“then why? why did you make it seem like you didn’t want me anymore?” the tears start to form again, and your voice is barely audible knowing if you raised it in the slightest it would break.

“it-it wasn’t you. i promise. it was all me. i was just, going through something. i was overwhelmed, i felt pressured to prioritize everything and i’m not gonna lie, i did try pushing you away to see if this was still what i wanted. i did have doubts for a bit and i’m sorry for ever thinking this wasn’t what i wanted anymore. i know i haven’t been the best boyfriend recently. i make you cry. i deal with my own shit and hurt your feelings in the process. i’m not a perfect boyfriend by any means, and i fuck up a lot, but i don’t want to lose you. i’m so, so sorry. i just felt distant these past few weeks, but it was never with the intent to break up with you. i just needed time apart for a bit, i needed my own space to figure my shit out. just for a little bit. but i was always gonna come back to you. i never meant for that fight to happen last night.” he exclaims.

“then why didn’t you say something when i left? why didn’t you do anything when i broke up with you? why didn’t you just say you still loved me if that’s what you really meant!“ you spluttered, your broken heart evident in the way you spoke. “you just let me walk out of there thinking that was the fucking end for you. that i fucking meant shit to you! you could’ve said something, literally anything! you let me walk out and now you’re trying to convince me you still give a shit about me and i don’t fucking get it!” your voice betrayed you and you began sobbing, your heart felt crushed.

jaehyun pulled you into his arms and he hugged you close to him. “i’m sorry, i’m sorry. i’m so fucking stupid.” he whispered, over and over again as he gently rocked you back in forth to calm you down.

you pushed at his chest, but he was unrelenting. “i fucking hate you!” you screamed.

he still never let you go. “i know, i know.” he cried, hugging you even tighter. “but i love you, so fucking much. please let me work on things. i’ll do better. i’ll try harder, fuck, i’ll do anything. just please don’t leave without letting me fix things.”

“you don’t deserve it.” you sniffled into his chest.

jaehyun felt his eyes sting with tears again. his throat burned as he felt his heart crumble. “i know.” he whispered.

you pulled away from him again and this time he let you go. he looked defeated. you grabbed his face in your hands and looked him in the eyes before speaking once again. “and i fucking hate you… because i love you too much to let you go.”

jaehyun didn’t answer, instead he pulled you close to him, his lips connecting with yours. it was heavy, and it was messy all over, and it was by no means gentle in the slightest. but you felt every emotion in that kiss. and you also missed how he felt against you so you revelled in the feeling of him being so close to you again.