baggy eyes for eternity

tonight im drawn outside by stillness in the air and i slowly watch life explode.

straight ahead, joyful shadows glide across brick walls - kids play in churchyard lights.

head pulled left by hands of sound, remixed, hits the crowd, taste the beat.

& the breeze brings boozy, spritzy songs of laughter and guitar twangs on its tail

out of soul food smells, smoke swells with the spirit of everyone combined

out of routine, street lights flash like they’re desperate to say hello. below, pavement presses, returning tension of passing soles

look up, eyes closed; you can still see the sky illuminated by the pulse of community shaking from the strength of our bond

this world breathes down the back of my comprehension like a summer heat im surprised to understand.

your face is in my head again in quick flashes, fast glances, smiles, and regretful stares. i'm somewhere between lost and almost unaware around you.

you make me feel the way giggles feel inside my throat, bubbling and bouncing to their escape. i like you the way i like my skin feeling warm in the sunshine. i'm restless all the time - like i've been told to stay still while good music is hitting my bones.

okay i’m telling you, things are GREAT, seriously i - i’m excited which is why i’m stuttering, by the way, because i feel like a part of the universe today, every human interaction makes sense and i honestly want to talk to everyone i’ve ever known but first i’m talking to you because, i mean, it’s like the first time i’ve felt THIS GOOD in a long time which feels like progress so you should know, so look, it’s like this:

i’m moving, right?
vibrating - with
celestial energy
and that feels great!
 my chest screams - it snaps inward with emotion, bones crack and splinters scratch into every breath. if i break away, i run. one mile, ten miles. lungs in, lungs out. i push my legs, away from death behind me. i cry from the fear in front. i wait for the broken pieces of my chest to reassemble, for my body to stabilize siesmic vibrations within. i attempt to kill the panic with the strongest self love i can muster.

but it hurts. so i allow it, the attack, no fight. this is me, assaulted by fear, the alternative: uncertain.

eventually i’ll collapse into a 
boneless pile on 
the carpet, fuzz
in my mouth but 
i don’t care,
can’t see,
cant taste my throne of dusty thread. in this space, nothing is understood and
time is lost to the sticky medium of my brain.

now it comes: a lack of experience so strong it feels like 
the reality of everything
is disappearing in
front of my eyes and
my hands try to grab them but
my hands won’t move, no,
my hands aren’t my own. “i am not my body,” i think -
as my vision moves in waves and i feel my brain contract,
quick and tight, squeeze, release, repeat.