people apparently like my writing

Resign from office on the grounds that I only ran for the bants, triggering a further by-election

The DM desperately doesn’t want us to be inquiring. But our newly mortal ex-vampire NPC is engaging in mortality for the first time in a century and has forgotten how to do things. She called cheese, “as good as eating people.” We are explaining things like, no, you can’t jump off that tower, you’re not dying it’s just sunburn, don’t take that many drugs you will literally die.

And then we’re all out of character discussing possible vampire anatomy and digestion. I posited that if they’re anything like vampire bats they probably pee a lot but don’t poop. He evaded as much as he could but then we got onto the topic of having a period again after a century of no periods. And how upset we’d all be after a century of freedom and that’s only once a month.

Myne it's an England thing but I've just grabbed the closest things to me and they both have an extensive list of ingredients.

Hand cream

Turkish delight/Chocolate

from label 1:

in the US and EU, this is a generic term meaning "something we put in here to make it smell nice" and there is absolutely NO way of knowing if that is a scent you are allergic to or not. some of these can be a mix of up to 200 distinct components.

from label 2:

i think you can probably see the problem here?

Gema.piano on instagram

It is really not all that hard to get away with murder. A basic amount of foresight and prep will get rid of enough evidence that the police either won't find the killer or will be unable to make the charge stick.

Despite this, most murders do get solved, because someone who decides that murder is the solution to their problems is probably not the kind of person to be levelheaded and careful enough to avoid getting caught.

I think something very similar is true of sockpuppet accounts. It's not that hard to make a convincing sockpuppet. However, people almost always make sockpuppets as a way of defending their egos, of making it look like they have more support than they actually do. And this passionate defense of someone the sockpuppet ostensibly doesn't know and has no reason to care about is a dead giveaway. So if you want to validate a sockpuppet you have to lose an argument to it. You have to get owned. Once it makes you look like an idiot, basically no one will ever suspect it again.

anyways, this woman called and without even saying hello after i said the usual “public library, how can i help you?” spiel, she said, “i have a very important question: when you shelve books, do you push them all to the front of the shelf or all the way back?”

it took me a second to process the question and then i answered that, at the library, we always shelve them so that they are even with the front edge so they’re easier to grab and see. she was obviously delighted by this answer and then, as if an afterthought, she asked, “okay, what about you? what do you do at home with your books?” i said i did the same thing. she hummed in obvious agreement and then just like that she said “thank you!” and hung up.

so i had been having a string of very time-consuming, draining calls. my line rings again, i steel myself for another angry caller, and i pick up. “[redacted] roadside assistance, how can i help you?” i chirp, in my Customer Service Voice.

“yeah, hi,” a gentleman with a thick southern accent responds. “my motorcycle won’t start.”

i brace immediately for another long call. motorcycles were notoriously difficult to work with - a lot of insurance companies wouldn’t insure them, and a lot of tow companies refused to pick them up because they require a specific sort of trailer.

“i’m sorry to hear that, sir. what’s your current location?”

“oh, i’m just at my house. i was wondering if it would be okay for me to just load it into my trailer and take it to my buddy’s shop. would that interfere with my insurance?”

i click through his account and am Relieved to discover he’s in the clear. “No sir, it looks like you’re good to go. Can I help you with anything else?”

A pause. “Have you heard the good news?”

My Anxiety, which had been receding, suddenly spikes into the fucking stratosphere. I live in the rural south. The “good news” usually means “Jesus” and i was in no mood to be proselytized to for god knows how long.

i steel myself for the Religious Talk. “What news, sir?”

“McDonald’s is now serving breakfast all day!”

…bisexual? huh. they make noble houses for anything these days

oh, you’re not a knight? you’re just- why are you bearing a standard if- pride? whats that? dragons like to be prideful sometimes. that sounds cool

oh, that’s it? the dragon has been doing that for centuries. she’s a big fan of women. why do you have an event for that

they make noble houses for

anything these days

but the funniest part of this is not that they were debating the exile of a man who has been dead for over 500 years.