You Have to Carry On

My fic for day 1 of @transmagesweek

Prompts: fake dating + prom + coming out

I didn’t title this until I wrote the last line and immediately thought of Nick Jonas’ song Who I Am, and then it just felt right.

Summary: It's prom night, and as Fiona and Ebb dance together, Fiona decides that she's ready to come out to Ebb, so they go somewhere to talk.

Word Count: 819

Read it on ao3

***

Fiona

The last song of our senior prom plays through the speakers as those of us who stuck it out to the end of the dance move together on the makeshift dance floor, and even though I have Ebb in my arms as we sway together, it doesn’t feel right. This isn’t how I imagined it.

Yes, I wanted to go to prom with Ebb and dance with her all night, which is what I got, but I didn’t want it like this, with secrets keeping us apart.

We didn’t even come us a couple. Not a real one anyway. Neither of us had a date, so we thought it would be fun to come as a fake couple.

And it was fun for the most part. It’s just, as we dance together, I can’t help but let my thoughts keep me from enjoying this moment completely.

It’s hard to believe that our last year of high school is coming to an end. In a few weeks we’ll graduate, but there’s still so much I want to say.

Not only am I hiding my true feelings for Ebb, but I also have a much bigger secret that I’ve been working up towards telling Ebb for a long time. And tonight, I think I’m ready.

The song ends, and reluctantly, I let go of Ebb and step back.

“Do you want to get something to eat?” I ask.

“Sure. The diner?” She asks, suggesting one of our favorite places to go.

It’s an all-night diner, and we always end up there at least once a week with milkshakes and fries.

Tonight, we sit together in a corner booth beneath a flickering light, and it feels like any other day. But this time, I want it to be different. I want to tell her the things I’ve been holding in for so long. I just have to figure out how.

Once we’ve ordered, I slip off my suit jacket and lean back against the cracked red vinyl, comfortable in the familiarity of this place.

We fall into an easy conversation as we begin to eat, dipping our fries in the milkshakes, the way we’ve always done.

My thoughts keep wandering away from the conversation, though, as I try to think of a way to say what I need to. I don’t think Ebb will react negatively to this, but the worry is still there. This could change everything.

Finally, I just decide to say it.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” I say, picking at the chipped table as I avoid her gaze.

“What is it?” She asks, her tone soft and comforting.

I force myself to take a deep breath before I look up and say, “I’m trans.”

Once the words are out, I want to get up and run. I’m not sure I’m ready to face her reaction, but it’s too late. The words are out there, and I can’t take them back.

“Oh,” she says, not letting on much about she feels. But then she smiles at me, and I know that everything is going to be alright. “I’m glad you felt like you could tell me this.”

I simply nod because I’m not sure what to say. Even though I’ve imagined this conversation a thousand times, I was never really sure how she’d react or what I would say.

I feel a wave of relief, though, that she isn’t disgusted by me and like maybe this will be okay.

I’m not sure what I want to do, if I want to transition or not, but just saying the words to someone is enough for now.

Ebb reaches her hand out across the table, and hesitantly, I take it.

Her hand is warm and soft as it wraps around mine, anchoring me and pulling me from my thoughts.

“I want you to know that I love you no matter what, Fiona.” She seems to hesitate for a moment before she continues to speak. “I…I’m in love with you.”

Her words take my breath away, and I’m speechless.

I never thought that I would hear her say those words to me, and it takes me a moment to recover so that I can respond.

“I love you, too.”

Her whole face lights up, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, cause my heart to do flips in my chest.

A few minutes later we end up in the parking lot by my car, and I can’t wait any longer.

I push her up against the passenger door and kiss her, my hands coming up to tangle in her soft curls, as our lips slide together perfectly.

Her arms wrap around my waist, holding me closer, and I can’t believe this is actually happening.

I’ve had this idea in my head about Fiona being a trans man for a while, but I decided to wait until @transmagesweek to post it. This idea is what the majority of the things I post this week will revolve around, so I thought it would be a good thing to start out with it. I'll also be posting a fic to go with today's prompts later today.

Fiona came out when he was younger but only to a few people: Ebb, Nico, and Natasha

But then he lost all of that 

Nico decided to become a vampire, which cause Ebb to withdraw into herself and it was almost like she was gone too, and when Natasha died, he felt like he had no one he could talk to about this

He felt all alone and didn't feel comfortable opening up to anyone, so he drew back into the closet and stayed there, playing at being a girl even though it nearly killed him a few times - he stayed strong for Baz though because someone had to look out for him

There were so many times when he wanted to tell someone but he felt like he had no one

He wanted to talk to Ebb but it felt like too much time had passed; there was too much distance between them after all this time

Ebb, Nico, and Fiona had all been so close in school, and Fiona had loved them both dearly, but it somehow felt different with Ebb. Fiona never thought too hard about that though because he didn’t want it to ruin what they had.

It was just another secret he held that sometimes felt like it would tear him apart, but we went on with his life, keeping it all in.