🤍

Mat – said hockey player – and Beau had been drafted the same year and been two peas in a pod ever since. You’d moved to New York not too long after the draft and simply joined their friendship.

Fast forward two decades and the mutual attraction between you and Mat had led to a rather questionable situation. To be exact, you weren’t even quite sure what this thing between the two of you were.

It was supposed to be the typical friends-with-benefits-situation: Casual hook-ups whenever either of you were needy or needed a distraction and nothing more; a no-strings-attached-thing.

It was something that matched Mat’s lifestyle of sleeping around and being focussed on hockey with no time for a proper girlfriend and while you weren’t necessarily big into meaningless hook-ups, you were comfortable enough around Mat to let him take care of your needs without making you feel cheap.

And with him, you never had to grapple with those agonising thoughts about whether it might actually be more than that for him after all.  

That was until everything felt like it was shifting. Until lately, what you did felt serious more often than it didn’t.

At first, you’d brushed it off and convinced yourself that it was because you were friends first and foremost and other than for hooking-up, Mat still needed you as his friend, but then, slowly, but surely, his actions had taken on a vibe that felt like a lot more than just friends.

Like whenever he’d ask to come over after a heavy loss and look at you all soft when you’d open the door in shorts and a t-shirt that was too big on you. He’d sneak under the covers with you and bury his face in your neck to breathe you in; letting you scratch his back and head, all while melting into you. He’d hold you tightly like you were everything he needed and fall asleep in your arms without even the tiniest attempt at funny business.

Or when he’d ask you to wait for him after games you attended. He’d greet you with a hug that felt a little too long for a friendship and would hold your hand in his car later like it was the most normal thing.

Or when he’d casually remember your coffee order and favourite take away.

Or when he’d notice things before anyone else did. Like when you got tired and he’d ask if you wanted to head home.

Last week, when you’d shivered a little from getting chilly, he’d wordlessly draped his hoodie over your shoulders. And then a couple days before when you’d been out together and you’d been overwhelmed by the amount of people, he’d gently placed his hand on the small of your back as a quiet remember that he’d got you.

It really was beginning to mess with your head and you had to remind yourself every once in a while, that you were just friends.

And the situation right in front of you, was a pretty obvious reminder that he could be with anyone and there was absolutely no reason at all why he’d choose you.

Mat was a few feet away talking to Jess, one of Beau’s friends from Washington. You’d met her a year ago when Beau brought her to an Islanders game to introduce her to Mat.

Up until today you weren’t sure what his intentions had been, but Jess was great and beautiful. And very into Mat.

And from where you were standing it looked a hell of a lot like Mat was into her as well. He was quite a bit taller than her, head tilted down to her while Jess was blinking up at him seductively and when Mat said something and made her laugh, her delicate hand came up holding on to his biceps.

He’s not even that funny…

Annoyed from the scene – and your own jealousy; not that you’d ever admit that – you turned away; eyes set on the bar. There was no way you could do this sober.

About half an hour, two drinks and a few conversations later, you found yourself back at the edge of the room. For a while, you watched conversations unfold and people having the time of their lives, laughing and getting drunk with friends.

 Letting your gaze roam over the crowd, you told yourself you were just people-watching to kill some time, but every glance lingered a fraction too long for it to be casual.

“Who am I even kidding.”, you sighed under your breath when you couldn’t find either Mat or Jess. As much as you wanted to avoid thinking about it, you knew that Jess ticked every single one of the boxes Mat checked when looking for a hook-up, so he’d probably taken her to the hotel or whatever.

You were just about to go back to the bar for another drink, when suddenly, a pair of arms snuck around your waist and pulled you into a warm body.

Being able to recognise his smell and the way you fit into his embrace like you were made for him bordered on pathetic, but at this point you’d somewhat accepted it and just hoped it wasn’t showing for everyone else.

“Missed you.”, Mat hummed.

“Was right here the entire time.”

Ducking his head into the crook of your neck, Mat chuckled quietly.

His breath was warm against your neck and while him holding you like this usually made you relax in his hold, even after a while the tall centre felt you still tense in his arms. Tense and quiet. Both something you rarely ever were with him.

“You’re quiet.”

“I’m not, Mat.” You didn’t mean for it to sound so snarky, but your emotions were getting the better of you no matter how hard you tried to be normal.

“You are.”, he argued quietly, pulling his head from your neck and leaning his chin on the top of your head to still stay close. “And you’re only quiet when you’re upset or annoyed.”

“Maybe I’m just tired.”

You felt the deep sigh that left him. “C’mon, y/n, I know you. Your eyes get droopy when you’re tired. And your cheeks go a little red. You’re not tired, you’re upset.”

“Hm.”

Without having to see your face Mat knew you just rolled your eyes, annoyed that he knew you so well. And because he knew you so well, he decided that it was time to test a theory he’d constructed in his head over the past hour.

“Was it Kendra?”

He felt you stiffen even further in his hold. “No idea who that is.”

Mat laughed quietly, knowing well you were lying. “We both know that’s a lie.”

“Why would I care who you’re talking to, Mat?”, you huffed.

You were well aware that you were being childish and difficult, but you hated being put on the spot and this conversation felt a lot like that. And you really weren’t ready to be the one who made the situation between Mat and yourself complicated.

“You tell me, y/n.” You could pretty much hear his smirk. “You practically glared holes through her head.”

“I did not.”

“Oh, but you did.”, Mat laughed. “It was the scary look you only ever get when girls get too close to me.”

“You’re imagining things, Barzal.” Feeling too confined suddenly, you tried to wiggle out of his grip, but Mat only held on stronger. His large, warm hands splayed over your stomach and held you tight to his front.

“You sure?” He dropped his head, making sure he was speaking directly into your ear. “Cause when she touched my arm you suddenly went for a drink.”

You hated how he’d noticed it. Why did he have to be so damn attentive. “Coincidence.”

“Yeah? So you weren’t jealous?” His lips brushed your cheek and the very well known pleasant ache settled beneath your ribs.

“No.”

Mat surprised you by spinning you around; his hands on your waist and that insufferable smirk on his lips. You hated how hot he looked.

“Look me in the eye and say it.”

Automatically, your gaze flicked to his lips for a second. You regretted it immediately. “I’m not jealous.”

“You hesitated.”, Mat stated without an ounce of doubt. Instead, he looked smug and you couldn’t even begin to put into words just how annoyed it made you feel. But even that annoyance couldn’t stop the warmth from spreading in your chest.

“Yeah, cause you’re annoying, Mathew.”

“Hm.”, he hummed non-committedly as he brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. The back of his fingers brushing your cheek gently. “I think it’s because you care.”

Rolling your eyes at him you take a step back. “We’re friends, obviously I care.”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

You were gradually feeling more cornered than you were comfortable with, even if it was Mat you were talking to. The conversation, which had felt light-hearted and somewhat playful at the start, had taken on an uncomfortably serious and sombre tone and you didn’t like where it was heading.

You couldn’t fool him, he knew you to well for that, you were well aware, and if he kept going, it would inevitably end with your little friends-with-benefits-situation being over – probably just like your friendship.

And all because you couldn’t keep your feelings in check.

Fuck.

Averting your eyes, you crossed your arms – effectively creating a small barrier between you and Mat. “You can flirt with whoever you want. It’s none of my business.”

“Didn’t say that it was.” Infuriatingly, Mat was still grinning. “But you hate the idea of someone else having my attention.”

“I don’t get jealous, Barzal.” Your sharp eyes met his still soft and slightly mocking ones.

Mat knew you were close to snapping at him, but he couldn’t help but push your buttons a little more in hopes to make you break and admit what he was hoping you were holding back.  

“So, you don’t have a problem with me taking her home?”

You wanted to hate him for his cockily raised eyebrow and tell him that of course there’s no problem, but instead your heart dropped and silence enveloped you. You really hadn’t expected him to be serious about her.

“Erm…”, you clear your throat. “No, I…will you?”

Mat exhaled slowly. His heart broke a little at the at the way your face had fallen. He wasn’t used to seeing you so insecure and he hated it. He uncrossed your arms and gently held onto your hands, thumbs brushing your knuckles in hopes to reassure you a little.

“You still don’t get it.”

“Get what, Mat?”, you sighed.

“That I don’t care about those other girls.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, even if you could see the sincerity in his. “You were flirting with Kendra like twenty minutes ago.”

“Yeah.”, he admitted, feeling slightly ashamed for it now. “And the entire time I was wondering why you looked so upset.”

“I wasn’t ups-”

“y/n.”, he interrupted you quietly. “You were. And I…I liked that you cared.”

Your heart did something complicated in your chest and the nerves creeping up had you averting your eyes to the floor. “You shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because this is supposed to be casual.”

“Well…maybe I don’t want casual anymore.”

Your eyes snapped up to his. Silence.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Matty…you’re…you’re not the relationship-type of guy. It’s…I mean, you said it yourself and…and…you just-”

You were at a loss for words. There was no way Mat Barzal, Mr. No-strings-attached-only, the man who was seemingly allergic to feelings other than pure happiness and devastation because of hockey, had just admitted that being serious with someone didn’t sound like something to run from anymore.

What. The. Hell.

“I just said I don’t want anyone else.” His warm brown eyes bore into yours with the deepest sincerity you’d ever seen on him. There was no smirk on his face, no glint in his eyes, just raw honesty all over his pretty features.

He watched your expression soften as if you’d just noticed how serious he was about this. About you.

“You’re not just saying that because I got jealous?”

“I thought you weren’t jealous?” A small, relaxed smile appeared on his lips, and you gently squeezed his hands in jest.

“Mat.”

“Fine, yeah.”, he laughed under his breath. “I’m saying it because when I saw you upset and turning away, something…it’s just…the second I thought you might walk away from me tonight, it messed with my head.”

You stayed quiet, but took a step closer to him.

“I flirt with girls because that’s easy.”, he admitted; a small, embarrassed blush coating the tops of his cheeks. “And I know that’s a little messed up. Probably a lot messed up to be honest, but I need you to know that no matter who I flirt with in my messed up way, you’re the person I look for in every room.”

You swallowed hard. “You’re making this complicated.”

“No.” Bringing one of his hands up, he pinched your chin between his thumb and forefinger, smiling softly when your eyes met his. “It was complicated already. We were just really good at pretending it wasn’t.”

Fingers running along your jaw gently, his eyes softened.

“It became complicated the second I stayed the night and kissed you over breakfast. When I remembered your insane coffee order like it was my own and brought a spare sweater just in case you got cold. It became complicated when needing you stopped meaning just sex and I instead craved your hugs and cuddles and back scratches and conversations, y/n.”

Mat cupped your cheek and breathed a soft laugh when you automatically leaned into his touch. The warmth and overwhelming feeling of affection that always creeped up on him whenever he held you, lodged itself behind his ribs.

He kissed your forehead before dropped his against it.  

“I only want you, y/n. Not when it’s convenient and I crave some physical attention. I want all of you. And I’m done pretending like this – us – is nothing when you’re obviously everything to me.”

“Mat.”, you breathed, your hand coming up to hold onto his wrist. “You really mean that?”

“Yeah.”, he smiled. “It’s always been you. And it’s taken me way too long to realise it and to be honest about it.”

Pulling back a little, so you could look at him properly, you searched his face for anything that would prove he was lying, but there was nothing but sincerity in his eyes. He looked at you in a way he’d never allowed himself to before and you could feel it in every single part of your body.

For a split second, you realised that you’d entirely forgotten about the room full of people, but then Mat nudged his nose against yours and pulled your attention back to him.

“So, what do you say?”

You laughed quietly. “I really like you too, Matty.”