Carefree

I have this gaping hole inside me that seems to get bigger with each passing moment. I don't know when did it start taking so much space inside of me but nowadays all I can feel is its presence. Everything else has become too small. Most of the time I am busy wrapping my head around the hollowness I feel. My soul keeps hiding in corners of my own body. Maybe it is scared of getting lost in the darkness this hollowness brings. Nights are too long to sleep away. Most of the time I am wide awake hearing the noise my loneliness make. The path I had chosen is taking me towards the unknown. I don't know if I should continue or keep on walking. For now, all I can say is fear is taking over my being. I might end up surviving this or I might end up living it for a few seconds and then getting lost forever. Whatever it brings I hope I become peace at the end.

Can you imagine a love so gentle and honest, that it fundamentally changes a person’s nature for the better? Can you imagine a love so good and pure, that it changes someones life?

I am tired. These people make me feel I have a hole in the middle of me.

“I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what we do.”

I never wanted a fuck buddy. I wanted a friend, a partner, a lover. I wanted someone who makes me feel safe and loved and cared for. I wanted to be that way for someone too. I wanted someone to come home to, to talk about our days. To watch movies, to laugh. I wanted someone who enjoyed good coffee and reading in a park on a sunny day. I wanted a person to tell all my secrets to, someone who knows me and stays anyway. Someone fearless when it comes to love. I lowered my standards because I was lonely. And now I don't know what to do with you. Because I already care too much and you don't at all. Not yet at least. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking you ever could. I deserve the sort of love I crave. I probably won't find it in you. But I do like you, for now. Carpe Diem, right? Who am I?