a thorn in my own side

sometimes bad things happen to you but the manner in which they're inflicted is so indistinguishable from the sorts of cruel and unusual misfortunes that befall a character in a sitcom created for the sole purpose of suffering for other people's entertainment that it's impossible to even begin to get upset about it

i was already having what can only be described as a pretty fucking bad day and my coworkers noticed and were kind enough to offer me the last of the freshly baked limited edition cookies we've recently started selling that i cannot get enough of, and just as i'd finished thanking them sincerely for such a thoughtful and touching gesture of goodwill a customer walked in, pointed at the single cookie in the display case, ordered it and absolutely nothing else, and left

god i've seen what you've done for others and you are doing some straight up looney tunes shit to me

Do people know this is the husband of the prime minister of New Zealand

And who is the guy burying him in the sand

imagine accusing the us military of being too woke

my favourite roast of all tiem is ‘‘you look like pepsi max’‘