CAPfan94

and bucky barnes, it’s deeper than i can ever bear. haven’t you seen the heartbreak on his face? it’s a constant. it’s like, watching a show about all that i’ve known and seeing it translated.

the pain of life, of everything that he’s learning, is too great to bear. this whole story is his emotional journey, his transformation, his change. the metamorphosis of his life. it’s the whole journey of Bucky Barnes and his understanding, freedom, and truth that has been revealed to him. the most painful change resulting from that. 

the pieces of the puzzle of himself and life that he puts together; the changing definition of himself; the changing understanding of life, and the new definitions that he identifies himself with and determines his principles on… the growing comprehension of a life more different than he’d ever gotten to know. the freedom and the discovery of himself. and the painful understanding of the world as it truly is, his own self and the manipulation and harm that came to him originally, all that was stolen from him; his rights and belonging and family; and worse, the things that he’d done under the organization, which he faces honestly and takes responsibility for but cannot ethically possess remorse for, since it’s done and he doesn’t remember a thing of them, mentally those actions weren’t his, those choices weren’t his decisions. It’s his agency he’s lost and regained, the painful understanding of a life so far from what he was taught, so different and loving and deserving, that he was trained, abused and mutilated so that he could be used. 

the self reflection and self reproach is so strong and heartbreaking. I can’t.

his ultimate understanding of the manipulation that they’d done to him is what’s piercing my heart. i remember that moment in my own life, and the grief that came with it. the heartbreak. the betrayal. the pain. the jaw wrenching, piercing, scorching pain. the loss of everything you’d known and loved and felt safe within, the people who were yours, you thought; the turning, with one needle, of all that you’d ever believed to be love. 

then the surge of resilience, courage, resolve. there is no way you can go but through and you will take back your ownership, you will take back yourself, you will take your choices and make them yours. you will take back possession of yourself. and it takes courage but you’re going to fight through and out of this life that has been taken into the blender and messed around internally; though you have no sense of self, no solidity in self anymore because all that you knew to be you was a lie, you know that you can determine your choices from this day forward if it takes your life. because you will never give yourself up again, no matter what it takes from you. you will go to the end of the line to keep yourself, to claim yourself, to fight to possess yourself, or you will die trying. because this life is not tolerable, not tenable, never anymore. it will not happen. like this, it cannot remain. you will separate yourself from them even if it means cutting off the arm they sewed onto you, you will reclaim yourself even if it requires sacrificing your life. you will go forward into this chaotic mess and you will fight a war to regain yourself, agency over your life. it takes courage, fighting against everything you’ve ever known and all that you loved and once thought yours, while you don’t even know who you are and when you don’t know anything anymore about who you are. but you will go forth and do it.

 and you will be miserable throughout it all but this is all that matters and you have no choice– for yourself, for others, for life itself. for all that you know, for the very thin tensile thread that attaches you to your psyche, that is what you will fight for, you will fight for your freedom to understand the world, you will fight for your comprehension of life, you will fight for a resemblance of self that you don’t even know anymore. you will fight for that small flame of life in you, fight for the right to develop that flame and allow it to grow, fight to take ownership of that flame and make it yours, keep it yours. you will fight for the tiny beating heart you’re aware of within you, though you don’t know who that is. though it’s been so long since you’ve possessed it. though you have no idea who’s inside your brain, or who you ever were in this existence. though you have no place in life.

because from this moment on, you are finally aware, and you will take responsibility. For you. Regardless of the fact that it wasn’t you before, regardless of the fact that you don’t know who you are. Regardless. You have now become aware. And it’s up to you to step forward and be honest to yourself and all of life. 

And no I’m not putting it under a read more because I’m gonna make all of y’all read this once and for all

ANYWAYS here’s a complete post with comic proof to disprove all your dumbass rumors about one of the healthiest ships in the MCU, let’s begin

1. Bucky met/hooked up with/trained Natasha as a child: FALSE. Bucky was born in 1925, Natasha in 1928. They didn’t meet until the late 50s. Both clearly stated.

2. They couldn’t consent because they were brainwashed and following Red Room orders: FALSE. Bucky’s memory before the Red Room was wiped. He wasn’t incompetent, and neither was she. They were not some robots: they were acutely aware that the Red Room would not approve of their relationship, but they had one anyway. Blatantly defying orders and practically getting ready to fight your handler is a pretty tell-tale sign you’re not brainwashed to follow them, Lol

3. Bucky is never there for Natasha: FALSE. If anything, he’s literally one of the most supportive/comforting boyfriends in all of Marvel. Even when she didn’t remember him, he still watched her, making sure she was safe. When he had the ability to make her remember him in the cosmic cube, he still chose not to mess with her mind, opting to go back and relive a favorite memory instead.

4. Their love was made up by the Red Room/they don’t have fun together: FALSE. Their feelings for each other were very real, still present even 50+ years later. They also literally tease each other in the middle of a fight or mission, and she even made him a cake with 284902304 candles on it for his 284902304th birthday.

5. Their relationship romanticizes violence/abuse/suicide/whatever word you want to use: FALSE. Bucky found his salvation in Natasha, and she helped him through his grief and regret WITHOUT it turning into some sort of obsessive, please-don’t-leave-me-I-can’t-live-without-you type of relationship. 

And now? The haters know. You can no longer hide behind the “Sebastian doesn’t care” idea or “He doesn’t even see it,” crap. He sees it and he knows wtf is going on. So keep on being hateful but realize that if you claim to be his fan, you are insulting him, too. Good luck trying to talk your way out of it now.