That's A Bit Of Me

In recent years ‘self care’ has become a broad term with different meanings to each person that practices it. To one person simply brushing their teeth and putting on a fresh pair of socks is enough to get them by but to others there has to be material value and the use of ‘self care’ has been used to terminate questions about the hole they are burning in their pocket. Self destruction could be as simple as holding yourself back from your right to ‘self care’ no matter how small or big your ritual is. To me, ‘self care’ is as simple as lighting my favourite candle in my room, organising my drawers for myself, having a hot and deep bath, putting on a wash- did you notice the trend? I am simply taking care of my own self, these tasks are based around me and only me.

I have recently gotten into exercising more and eating healthy. You would think that this is the utmost of ‘self care’. This is the fine line, I became obsessed with calorie counting and became too restrictive. On surface level I am doing the most for myself but I was tearing myself apart with my lack of patience. This led to me not eating enough and using my defeats against myself. I am learning in order to care for yourself you have to actually care about yourself. That is a hard lesson to learn. I fought off the destructive habits I held onto for years. I believed I wasn’t allowed to be healthy and happy because I had once given up on myself. A tool I used to get rid of the competition with my yappy monologue was that I got rid of numbers, I just didn’t weigh myself so that I couldn’t destroy my visible process with a number that isn’t accurate enough to stick to.

‘Self Care’ can be used as a reward system, when done properly it is foolproof. Rewarding yourself can be as simple as allowing yourself to cocoon and have your own designated time for you. When rewards become too lenient and passive with no meaning it becomes careless and failing to reward yourself becomes too restrictive- where is the line? A lesson I have learnt that if you feel guilt when trying to reward yourself then you need to make a new system. I have had to train myself to accept gifts from myself as if they were a surprise. I give them to myself as if I have never seen them before and that’s when I use my self gratitude as a bigger reward. If you feel yourself making an excuse to get whatever you want when you want then you need a new reward system too. Rewards come from achieving something and aren’t always material. If you reward yourself too often it loses value and becomes unmotivational- it’s like a plastic participation medal. 

I have to admit that I used to be a divil for self sabotage, it always goes hand in hand with some mischief- something I can never refuse. I find it very hard to focus when I can’t envision my success. I used to make sure there was any excuse to fall back on to not have anyone expect anything of me. I have only recently learned that the only thing self sabotage does is waste your time. I wasted so much of my time and everyone else's because I just never thought of myself as deserving of anything that could have possibly been good for me. A Lot of it was a fear of change and the fear of letting myself down. If I have to commit to a big task I will run for the hills but I have learnt that sometimes I need time to spoon feed myself the information and process it realistically. A friend of mine described me in one word- catastrophize, I am guilty for doing it with any situation given to me, good or bad. I am still learning how to replace that monologue with a pinch of reality but life is about learning, it all takes time. I used to think running away was ‘self care’ because I was guarding myself but this has been one of my worse self destructive habits growing up, an opportunity is never a coincidence.

‘Self Care’ is to base a few minutes, few hours or a few days just around you. It isn’t about buying anything expensive unless you wish, It isn’t about waiting on anyone else’s time and It isn’t about anyone else but you. Sometimes it’s as easy as asking yourself what would you like to eat or what would be the best thing for yourself right now? Treat yourself how you would want a new friend to treat you, keep up with yourself by checking in, buy yourself some flowers on your way home as if you are a guest coming to visit, learn to rely on yourself and ask yourself for favours, most importantly do not be afraid to tune the world out, turn off your phone for an hour, leave it in a different room, read your favorite book. Make your space a safe and comfortable place of acceptance and tranquility. Don’t be afraid to mess up, the world is a better place with some stories to tell.

‘Women want relationships, Men want sex.’

As a young woman people expect you to be vulnerable and fragile, needing protection from a man. Men that I have come into contact with through my years of caving into hook up culture and one night stands automatically expect me, a woman, to become attached and demand their attention. ‘Don’t fall in love with me’ has been whispered into my ear after sleeping with someone whose judgement was as useful to me as a mute stranger. ‘Why did he say that?’ That is all I thought, I felt so strangely exposed and disregarded. The simple answer is- It was a mind fuck.

I was trying to appear as detached as possible but for some reason I couldn’t help but be bothered by it. He was allowed to have meaningless sex with me but as a woman I had to have formed an attachment in the short exchange. I have never been so taken back by an unfair comment. It is shit, hook ups and one night stands are what men are allowed brag about to their friends but the only feedback I had for my friends was, ‘What the fuck does he mean?’. They were just as bitter and repulsed by the comment. But there is the mind fuck, I was tricked into constantly trying to interpret his riddle which made me think of him more and try be more cool, calm and collected which is never a good forced look.

I was used to being told by men that I ‘don’t know what a hard time is’. Being forced and guilted to nurture them when nothing I said was validated or comforting enough. I simply was there for the hook up, I became detached and unemotional so that I wouldn’t look ‘vulnerable’ or ‘fragile’ to them. This was, in my mind, a sure fire way to leave with an ounce of emotional pride. I would leave feeling hollow and so unsatisfied with my change in personality. I was muting myself to seem more desirable. This quickly turned into me getting used as a doormat. I didn’t have the bragging rights they had or the enjoyment because I knew I had given them all the control.

When you are getting with someone- with consent, in  that moment you want them, you want the excitement, you want the closeness and sometimes you just want sex. Good sex can only come from good understanding. Once the understanding is implied it is a safe zone. Women want sex just as much as men, women need sex just as much as men, women love sex just as much as men. 

So why is the woman immediately linked to the emotional side of sex? It takes at least two partners to have sex so why is the blame only put on one of them for being stereotypically ‘feminine’?

In 2020 a lot of women still fail to have the same sexual freedom as men for no valid reason. Our society's infrastructure is developing fast but our societal views can sometimes lag behind. I find it disturbing that the majority of women can not be sexually empowered without receiving a label or judgement from fellow women and men. There is a stigma around women losing their virginity with the ‘right person’ and tying emotions to sex without even experiencing it. For me, it ruined my idea of sex. I expected fireworks, to orgasm without fail and for everything to be perfect. No one had told me that if you are not relaxed your body will just refuse it, No one told me how awkward it can be, No one told me that it hurts for a few minutes and No one told me what it was like to have a realistic first time. I was so scared of becoming emotionally dependent and attached so I just numbed him out. My fears of being a stereotypical emotional woman left me so disappointed in the sex. I thought I had ruined my one chance of losing my virginity- The Problem?

Lack of communication. If I had let him reassure me or if I even reassured myself I could have tried to relax even a tiny bit more. Then I realised the link- because of my lack of vulnerability and emotions during sex I couldn’t possible enjoy it. Sex is both physical and emotional, sometimes more than the other. It depends on the person, how comfortable you are, how safe you feel, how open you are and it could even be down to the temperature of the room, Always make sure to communicate with your partner as much as you need to sustain healthy safe sex.

Sex is for everyone. It brings people together-literally. Sex is about safety, communication and pleasure. Everyone wants sex, needs sex and loves sex. Women are allowed to be validated and enjoy sex just as much as men. Men are allowed to receive tenderness, love and show their emotions. Sex is mutual and always will be.

I have let men walk all over me because I can always find a reason to place my worth under theirs. Watching My Dad leave and distance for a few years but being reassured by a text every few weeks that says ‘Love You’ led me to believe that that's how men love; distantly, uninterested and making you beg for their attention. I have never felt like I would receive unconditional love from a man because I never felt favourable to any of them, not even my own father.

I don’t trust men but that doesn’t mean I never will, I am working on it. When I am alone in public I sit and admire the abundance of love I see in the world around me. I see women and men walking hand in hand holding onto every word their partner says, giddy with pride. In those moments you can only hear the laughter and the admiration they have for each other. I watch Dads run after their daughters with only one wish to protect them; I never felt like My Dad would protect me. I watch kids giggling on their Dads shoulders feeling safe and secure, something that was never a part of our relationship.

I see so much love in the world around me but I am afraid I will never receive it the way I watch it. I am scared that in my years of resenting the love that I saw will be the only love I receive. I am so afraid of the mystery of love. Everyone feels it so differently but it's what most people have in common, feeling loved. I am not bitter about their love, I am simply baffled by the vulnerability, the trust and the time you have to put into someone but what really shocks me is that people don’t have to beg to receive it back.

Girls get labelled with the term ‘Daddy Issues’. A very real and prominent problem with girls. Being abandoned by one of the two people in the world whose job is to do anything to look after you can be so damaging. I started to do anything to get a boys attention and let them use me for whatever they wanted. I have misplaced my respect for myself in these interactions because they were loveless and stagnant, doing the opposite of what I thought it would do. I have praised men for having little respect for me and treating me with simple human rights because I walked around with no value for myself and they saw right through it. I would go for someone who was also damaged so I didn’t feel as broken. I would be detached and cold with no regard for myself but still clinging onto the hope that one day a man would make me feel safe and valued.

I have walked alongside ‘gentlemen’ who would hold my bag but loosen their hand from mine when they see people they know, pretending to not be associated with me. I have let men objectify me, sexualise me and use me just to feel wanted for an hour. I have blatantly been ignored by men in a group of their friends who don’t know about the texts I had to pretend I hadn’t received when they wanted an easy target. I expected to have to work for a man's validation, I expected to have to drop everything for a man, I expected to have to need a man's attention because my dad couldn’t spare a bit of his.

For years I grew a habit of blaming any mood swings, insecurities and low confidence on depression but only recently have I started to connect the dots as to what caused my depression. At eight years old I began to feel abandoned by my own father, I began to feel obsolete and I began to feel like I didn’t belong to any family, community or friend group. My Dad was never one; I learnt that the hard way. I was emotionally neglected by my Dad for my whole life. He would pick and choose when to be his idea of a functioning father but in my eyes he was coming back to let my hopes down again. I became so obsessed with trying to get any sort of attention off my Dad that I couldn’t enjoy most of my childhood because I wasn’t getting what I wanted more than any doll, any toy or any game. All I wanted more than anything was  a functioning father.

It took me so long to understand the severity of the damage the emotional neglect had played on my inner child. I felt like an outsider in every walk of life. I felt like anyone including my close friends and family would drop me in a heartbeat. Feeling like you don’t belong anywhere makes you wear yourself as a burden. I did it for so many years, I got it into my head that no one wanted to tolerate the emotional baggage I was holding onto. I wanted to be perceived as fun and careless because I saw people be liked for being that way. The mask I was wearing began to get looser and looser and it wouldn’t stay on no matter how hard I tried. I had too many fears as to what people were saying about me, finding ways to laugh at me and how people truly felt about me. I was careless though.  I was careless towards myself, I was careless to think people using my naivety to their advantage was friendship and I was careless to listen to anyone that wasn’t me. 

I have always struggled with low self esteem paired with low confidence. I always blamed myself for people rejecting me or abandoning me. The irony of it is that I would push them away with my fear of being abandoned so that it would look like my decision and I could pretend I had the control within the relationship that I never felt I had in my life. I believed that there always had to be someone working harder to maintain a relationship. I never saw myself as equal in any relationship, platonic or otherwise, because I always had to do the most to try to be seen or at least respected. I believed I had to sacrifice more of myself for others that wouldn’t give me a hair off their head, I believed I was below everyone in my life because all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a miserable excuse of a person.

I knew I had to make a change and start experiencing life instead of mindlessessly wandering through it. I started identifying the toxic habits I created for myself and the mind numbingly nasty thought process I constantly bullied myself through. I started to trace back to any negative thoughts and I negotiated a plan of action. When I was alone I would say my negative thoughts out loud in third person so I could fight back and stand up for myself. I was responding to the bully I had listened to for so many years, I was taking my voice back. I was no longer a coward to my own voice. I was fighting for my voice, I was fighting for my value and I was fighting for my life back. My fight had finally begun and I knew I wasn’t losing this round. It took a lot of hard work  to start to retrain my brain but I would have done anything. I started ignoring anything that I felt didn’t match my updated state of mind. For so many years I was numb to my own emotions for so many years, as soon as I started to my inner child scream out to be nurtured anything that didn’t nourish me mentally was seen as a waste of time. I began to use my inner monologue in my dialogue to reassure myself and grow more freely, I was becoming my own person.

I stopped going out of my way to gain respect from people who didn’t see me as equal and thrived off my vulnerability. I used the extra kindness I would have used on them on myself, It started to get easier to be kind to myself when I prioritised myself. I stopped carrying myself as a burden. I reached out for any guidance or reassurance I needed to feel better, I must admit that this still is one of the hardest things to do but it always helps me. Once I put myself into the role as leader of my own life everything positive started to follow. I let myself feel everything I had suppressed but I had to cut out the habit of wallowing in my own self pity. Wearing your sadness like a cozy hoodie begins to get too comfortable and easy to grow familiar with but instead wearing everyday you survive, grow stronger and become yourself like badges appreciating how much work you have put in to flaunt them. Go you !!

Say it with me; I am still trying to figure out how to live with my emotional neglect and not just tolerate it, I am still trying to understand myself and my triggers, I am still trying to nurture myself everyday and not just survive. I am not a burden, I am not a pushover and I am not below anyone. I am beautiful, I am smart, I am worthy and I will continue to nurture myself and my inner child for as long as my journey is. I am a holder of great potential and the past has no hold on me. I am my own person and I will continue to be bold, adventurous and charismatic. I am the bearer of great things that I attract into my life. 

One person does not define the perception of you and the way you love. Relationships grow with you. The great thing about life is there is so much room for growth and change, you do it every day without realising it. You have the power to start fresh from the moment you wake up. Everyday is a chance to excel and be better than the people that hurt you. Change the cycle and become the person you dreamed the person who hurt you was. Shower yourself with love, with hope and with life. You have made it this far fighting for everything you have. It is now time to retire to the bliss you create around you. You are doing an amazing job, do it for you.

For the majority of people they are delighted to be off work, away from school and college but what about the people who have become confined by their own thoughts? If quarantine has taught me anything it's how much being away from your own routine and normality can make you spiral. I’ve finally started to learn the art of ‘self care’ by listening to what my mind is actually trying to tell me.

I used to think a face mask every time I felt down or a long bath was an adequate expression of ‘self care’. I have learnt that I was so wrong. Since quarantine has started I have gone through depressive episodes accompanied by it’s ally anxiety. I let it take over becoming bed bound with suicidal thoughts pounding around my head. Then I realised I wasn’t taking care of myself so how could I proclaim myself as what I thought was the master of self care. I have struggled with these episodes for years before quarantine but I was so used to letting them run their course. I had no distraction and I became so much more aware of my distress. I felt as if I had nothing to look forward to so why would I even bother pulling myself out of the dirt?

I suddenly started to shame myself for my recurring bad habits towards my mental health. I was letting myself be absorbed by my depression and it got to the point where I became scared of the thoughts bellowing around my head. I was terrified of myself, I had never felt unsafe in my own company so that’s when I knew I needed a big change. I began to address my own distress. I watched my habits and figured out where I had been going wrong, my mental wellbeing was now my main focus which I had never done before. I started practicing my gratitude for the life I live using easy steps that I wouldn’t be overwhelmed by. I would make myself a cup of tea and thank myself for the simplicity of what felt like a difficult task. I began to regain my relationships with people who I had pushed away and reached out for advice and guidance. I began to do anything that I knew would put a smile on my face, it started to feel like nothing was out of my reach. A habit I began to build was documenting anything that made me feel at peace, put a smile on my face or even just made me feel anything positive. I’d look back on all the good I could permanently see and it helped to slowly move my dark cloud away. I was finally starting to understand the art of self care by simply taking care of myself.

Being confined to only seeing a very limited number of people and to a limited number of places can be a simple trigger for making people feel detached and out of place. For me, my main issue was the sense of imprisonment I created in my mind which made me view the world around me as an empty cell. I have learnt that there is no one to blame for these restrictions, there is no one you can argue with about these restrictions and there is no one you can negotiate these restrictions to. You simply have to follow them to live a fuller and healthier life in the future. Take this time to do any hobbies you had no time for before, any jobs that will keep you busy and a rest for your mind and your body.

What makes it better? For me, I look out my window and I am taken back by the luck to even be put in this world but there are days I just want to shut the world out which is also okay. I practice saying five things I am grateful everyday, trying to keep them as exciting and positive as I can. I practice crafts and hobbies I made the excuse of having no time to do. I have let myself have an actual day off without the concern of feeling lazy or guilty for ‘wasting my day’ at least once every two weeks. I have learnt to appreciate the people in my life and began to understand the importance of reaching out and maintaining friendships. I have danced badly, but have enjoyed every second of it. I have sang along to my favourite songs as loudly as I wanted and most importantly I have learned to adore my own company and the precious times I share with myself.

Quarantine can be used as a chance to get back in touch with yourself, an excuse to formally meet the person you are becoming. With an occasion laced in fear and unpredictability it is easy to become negative towards it. People are missing your company as much as you miss theirs, you are not alone. As a community we have to unite and use our strength when others may feel weak. We are all dependent on each other for a better, brighter and healthier Ireland which wouldn’t be the same without you. Quarantine has shown me that everything has the power to change in a blink of an eye. Don’t take this time for granted and learn to live with the best version of you because they're waiting to break through the surface. You’ve got all the power to make it happen.            

Going through school I always cringed at the thought of those days being the best of my life because I rarely enjoyed school, I loved the social aspect of school but the rest was white noise to me. I struggled with really debilitating depression and anxiety from around the age of 14 that lasted all through my teens with episodes happening in my life now but not as severe. School was a huge trigger for me, I was never myself. I was simply there for a bit of entertainment and leave again if I did even go in. I was so caught up on trying to plan what to do for my future that it made me feel like an outsider because I didn’t have the same interest in going to college as some of the other girls in my year. My expectations for myself were far too high and unrealistic and it added to a whirlwind of stress,anxiety and panic attacks.

The day the CAO was due I still had no interest in applying and hadn’t a notion of what to put down on my form. I was on my phone in my friends living room unphased that I had five minutes to apply but my bank card wouldn’t work. To me it opened my eyes to the lack of importance college had bestowed on me at the time because my main goal was just to survive long enough to get out. Every week I would have a wasted careers guidance class where the girls would go through their options whilst I was spinning around in an office chair refusing to be involved in a conversation where I felt I would be pitied for not following the same path that everyone else was on. I would wander the halls and wait for a teacher to pull me aside for a chat because I knew I could sweet talk my way out of it. I would do anything to not sit in a classroom and only be able to compare myself to the academic girls around me.

When it was our graduation I had a huge sense of pride because the only thing I wanted from school was to physically get out of it and let the world take me. I never got emotional about leaving or not seeing anyone again because anyone that I wanted in my life was in it and I knew they’d stay in it. I had finally wrapped my head around the years of grief I had put myself through, the added stress  and the unnecessary pressure. I was free. It was a surreal feeling that I thought my idea of life was finally about to begin. It was so close in my reach.

I was dreading getting my results. I knew I hadn’t done enough work due to poor attendance and the fact that every time I tried to study I would have a panic attack. We got called into the principal's office one by one. I was used to being in there for my weekly pep talks that I always looked forward to. I got asked my plans for the year, all of which unrealistic but it was my first time ever having plans that I was excited for. I didn’t wait to compare points or see anyone else jump around, I knew what I had gotten and the pleasure was simply getting through it. Passing everything I thought I would fail, the only reasonable thing to do was head to the pub.

During the summer I went back to work in a restaurant in town. I got offered hours during the winter so I was happy with the permanence of my position. In Mid July I had to see the doctor about really horrible panic attacks I had been having. For days I couldn’t look at anyone without crying. It dawned on me that I didn’t know who I was and hadn’t a clue what I wanted. I was so shocked that I would have nothing to go back to in September. I felt so lost and almost like a failure listening to the excitement of everyone going off to their dream college courses. I have never been the person to be jealous of others so I was shocked by what was going on. There were no teachers telling me what to do, no career guidance and no pep talks and it scared the shit out of me. I began to set little goals to achieve in different time frames which helped me keep my focus. The life I expected wasn’t being handed to me on a silver platter like I expected and I did not like it.

In January the restaurant closed down with no warning. My life officially had no stability and I spiralled. I had no confidence in anything I was doing. The only skill I thought I had was waitressing, it killed me. I loved my job so much, I loved meeting people, I loved the people I worked with and I loved the feeling of giving to people. I tried applying for jobs and got nothing back for three weeks until I got the job I presently have. It brought back so much for me, I was finally on the way back up. It made me realise how disposable I was and I hated it. I learnt the most in the last few months. I learnt how to be forced to work with a new team and embrace the changes that happened which I now know were for the better.

My year out wasn’t what I expected. I thought I would have seen and done so much more. The simple joy of it is that I have seen so many more sides to myself and I am learning more about myself everyday. People grow at different stages through their life, I felt as if mine was stunted until I got forced out of my comfort zone. I thought my life beginning was when I got a good job or finally decided what course I wanted to do but it was so much more to me. My life began the second I had to make the changes to make a better me. As boring as my year out sounded I wouldn’t change a thing. I was expecting to be living it up in different countries but I also learnt that flights are more expensive than I thought. A year out is about finding what you want to do for your future not your life because things change too quickly.

I presumed success was linked to making money and social standards but I have learnt everyone has different definitions. If I were to define success in my world it would be waking up in comfort. Meaning no dread or anxiety that sounds like a dream to me and for the first time ever every day I feel closer and closer to it. I would suggest a year out to anyone, everyone needs time to meet themselves and see the brighter side of life. College isn’t something that would be on the top of my list because I have so many more things to figure out. Everything happens for a reason, life always has to run its course and sometimes it can be scarier to go with it rather than against it. Your life starts when you decide, don’t start on someone else's time.