cunningly avoiding tooth decay by going to bed with a single square of chocolate on my tongue for the bacteria to snack on instead of my teeth

Fun fact! The bacteria in your mouth dont eat your enamel! They only eat sugars and such. The stuff that eats your enamel is the byproduct produced by the digestive process of the bacteria. In other words, the thing that causes tooth decay is the bacteria’s equivalent of shit, not the bacteria themselves!

cunningly avoiding tooth decay by going to bed with a single piece of toilet paper on my tongue for the bacteria to wipe their ass on instead of my teeth

no, I will not do my stupid human tasks, I will stare at the ceiling and yearn for something I'll never feel