im here

Not a day goes by I don’t think of you. My insides ache for you in a way that feels like eternal punishment. capitol punishment. terminal. while I know you will never belong to me again, there is a part of me that dies every day I live without you. I must have forgotten to pack my heart when I left. that is yours forever. 

god, I miss you. I wish I could just hold you again, just for a while. I think about you every day. every night. its been five hundred, sixty eight days since I walked out on you. I will regret that day for as long as I live. I still remember how you felt on my lips. I catch myself thinking about the curves of your hands, your body. the way we used to make each other laugh, and laugh. I miss your laugh the most. the way your nose would scrunch up, your two front teeth poking out slightly. I miss your soft, chestnut skin. the pop of color under my fingertips when I would caress you. my biggest mistake, my greatest regret, was losing you. for what? I am a fool. I was sick, but it’s no excuse. how could I be so blind? you were the divine light of my life. god, I miss you.

I feel so lost, caught between what I should do, what I want to do, and the right thing to do. I honestly don’t think things are changing. I think I might just be getting used to them. I don’t know how I feel about that. Should I stick it out, give it a fighting chance? Run while I can before it hurts more? should I be worried it’s all in my head? I don’t want to self sabotage everything good again over a passing feeling, but I am so tired.