Not sure.

Normally I’d just send you a link to A-Pinch-Of-Sugar-Please’s blog, buuut since she’s a psychotic bitch, I’d be happy to help you out.

BEFORE MEETING:

Invent fake facts about yourself. Create an email address specifically for sugaring and only email them there. Get the Google Voice App and create a phone number to text/call men from distinct from your own. Use a fake name for the first few dates. List the next town over as your location on your profile and never tell them the actual college that you go to — especially if it’s small! If they ask what your parents do for a living, make it up or be vague. Once you’re super comfortable with them, you can tell them “Oh my name’s actually Katherine, not Katelynn” or even give them your real phone number if you want to as I often snapchat with NASA. But he’s the only one of my SDs who knows it as Google Voice works flawlessly and the others don’t really need it. 

On an opposite note, get as many details as possible about him from him or through background searching. If he tells you he’s the CEO of Apple, go to Apple’s website and confirm that. Also, invest in a Spokeo Account. Don’t be that annoying SB who begs girls to look men up for her. A lot of girls only buy the monthly plan which has a search quota so if these girls are kindly looking men up for you, that’s less POTs they can search for themselves. I think it’s like $49.95 per year and it’s well worth the money for the amount of information it gives you. You can reverse search his phone number, email, name, etc. to find out his address, income, family members — anything! I love to find their children’s names then look them up on Facebook to see how they live. Riding horses on vacation in Santorini as your cover photo? Okay, I’ll break bread with your dad tomorrow. Little Ashley’s making duck faces and wearing Abercrombie? Sorry, John, I’m actually no longer searching for an SD — best of luck!

Get as many photos as possible (5+) from a man you’re talking to so that you can reverse search them and find out company info, criminal history, or if he’s on any other sites to cross-check age, location, and other facts on the profile you first saw him on.

Before a first meet, Skype with him (for 5 to 30 minutes) to again make sure the photos he sent are of him and not some handsome model on JCrew’s website (guys on SD4M do this all the time — you’re not slick)! While you don’t want the skype date to replace the first date, it is a good way to keep and/or build up his interest and by revealing yourself in 3D and decreasing his chances of cancelling/flaking on you. New SDs in particular often get nervous by the whole process, especially if they’re married, so if he sees “Wow! She’s gorgeous/real/funny/witty/ and excited to see me Thursday!” he’ll be more at ease not only to go through with the meet, but to spend more chedda. Moreover, a Skype date can show you “Wow! He’s an asshole and begging me to slide the camera down to my boobs.” So you can know way before you spend hours on hair and make-up that the date will be a waste.

NON RED-FLAGS:

Need for discretion. If a man doesn’t tell you much about himself, his job, or his life, is using a GV number or a fake email, is going by a fake name, it does not matter at all. 9 times out of 10 I show up to POT dates knowing the results of their latest colonoscopy while they think I don’t even know their name. Focus on the steps above and let them think they’re slicker than you. Nigerian Prince never told me his real name. I knew it from 5 seconds after he emailed me, but I played along and feigned ignorance because I knew he was safe and rich and whatever other secrets he kept from me were irrelevant. After our first date, he revealed his real career, location, (still not his real name) etc. and I’d already known it all, but, like us, he was simply wary of giving too much info to the wrong person. My favorite is when a guy emails you from his real email using a fake name. “Inbox: New Email from Steve Jobs” “Hey it’s Mike!” lmfao Hey Mike! Whatever makes you comfortable enough to meet me for dinner and pay me. All this being said, sometimes a man’s “need for discretion” makes it fucking impossible to find out anything from him. In that case, I say “While I respect your need for discretion, it does not trump my need for safety and I would not feel comfortable meeting you for dinner without…(at least a skype date)(as many photos as I’ve sent you)(information about XYZ)(etc.).” If he refuses to accommodate, he’s blatantly disrespectful of your safety concerns and he’s not worth your time.

RED-FLAGS:

Asks for sexy photos. You really need to make sure your profile photos are serve their purpose and depict what you look like from head to toe. If you only include iPhoto face shots, that’s dandy but you need a full body shot of you in a cute outfit and I also always include a bikini shot. Nothing raunchy, just a fun day at the beach. If they’re asking for sexy photos and you already have full body shots on your profile, then kindly end it because they’re 12 year old horn dogs stuck in 45 year old bodies. But if your photos suck and they just want to confirm that you’re not Shrek, then you need to amp up your profile and oblige.

Asks your favorite position, kinkiest moment, sex history, what you’re into etc. There’s no space for immature, tacky, desperate rapid fire sex questions in the sugar bowl. At its core, sugaring is about companionship, chemistry, and fun times. If he needs a rap sheet of what you will and will not do in the bed room, then he should call up a pimp and ask for a very specific hooker. Even if you tell him this and he apologizes and stops, you still know that that’s his main incentive for joining this site so he’s probably looking for pay for play but has too much pride to admit to wanting a prostitute. If you’re fine with 4 hours a month with this man for however much you agree on, then boom! You just landed on easy money. But if you’re looking strictly for a sugar arrangement with outings, dinners, etc. then you need to move on. But be mindful that a lot of these men might be into BDSM, so if they ask specifically if you have interest in that then that’s not necessarily a red flag so much as them not wanting to waste either of your time. If you do say yes, however, and he presses you with sex questions, he’s equally guilty of the above offense.

Sleezy username/bad grammar. If “Hotsex69” messages you, you already know what he’s there for. He’s not a sugar daddy. He’s blatantly looking for pay for play.

Takes offense to your precautions. A lot of men will quickly realize that you both have iPhones and that your messages aren’t coming up blue. If he questions it, let him know straight up, “I’m using an app called Google Voice so that I don’t have to share my real phone number with strangers. Once I’m comfortable enough with you, I will give you my real number and you can reach me there.” 99% of guys completely get it and think “Damn, I wish I’d thought of that. She’s smart and safe and not full of shit! I can tell a lot of guys have wasted her time and I don’t want to be one, so I better step it up if I ever want the honor of using iMessage with this hottie!” The other 1% will cry like little bitches and be like “We’ve hit it off thus far! Don’t you trust me?!?” If he honestly thinks trust can be fostered after a few email messages, he’ll be equally pissy when you don’t have sex on the first date or when you reject his marriage proposal on the second date.

Insists on meeting for just drinks. 10:00pm drinks at the hotel bar so you can get drunk and then go upstairs? Um no. In a fun way, tell him you’d rather meet for dinner at this great restaurant you’re dying to try yada yada. I had this one guy come back at me with “How about we start with drinks and if we hit it off, then we can get dinner?” Lmfao why?! I literally see no incentive to that besides wanting to roofie me. If you’re that awkward and can’t be around a younger, more attractive woman without drinking then let’s drink at dinner. Have 10 glasses of wine with your food. I don’t care. But if I’m getting dolled up, I’m eating food. You are not skimping out on buying me dinner and you are not roofie-ing me and you are not getting me drunk so you can drag me back to your lair. I do too much damn cardio to drink my calories. Buy me dinner, you fuck.

MEETING:

Meet in a public place and STAY in a public place. Stroll in Central Park? Awesome! He wants to wander past the “DO NOT ENTER” sign and show you this ‘amazing view of the river’? Nope. Restaurants, coffee, theater — doesn’t matter as long as you’re surrounded by witnesses.

Have your own transportation to AND from a first meet. And from. And. From. AND FROM!!! Not “Oh I took a taxi here, but let me save $10 and go home with him — he was so funny and obviously legitimate!” Even if that’s true and he’s a sweetie and who he says he is, these men never need to know where you live. (Notice I did not say never should know. Doctor knows where I live and that’s fine. But he doesn’t need to.) If you ultimately decide you’re comfortable with having an SD over at your apartment, then that will come after several dates, not the first. Plus, the chase is half the fun for him. Don’t reveal all of yourself too quickly. For this same reason, never get into his car on the first date. Besides just safety reasons, you don’t want him to feel like (physically and mentally) that he has you 100%. Leave something to be desired.

Tell someone where you are and who you’re going with. If you’re close with a friend or relative who is non-judgmental, make sure they know where your date is and when you’ll be back. Otherwise, find a resource on here (I’ll gladly help you out)and text them (from your GV number) where you are going, when you get there, when you leave, and when you are home. Whenever I get in an SDs car for the first time, I always text my sugar friends his license number.

Some SBs insist on staying sober. I like to drink and I can handle it, so I do. But definitely don’t get drunk. It’s sloppy and unattractive but will also distract you from your goal of setting an allowance/arrangement in place and getting to know this man better. Plus, it will impair your judgment and prevent you from remembering the rest of these safety tips.

NON-RED FLAGS:

Doesn’t bring a gift or cash to the first date. Stop being so entitled. At this point, he owes you just as much as you owe him — nothing.

The car he drives. The $3000 allowance of a man who drives an Aston Martin is just as green as that of the man who drives a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Offers you a ride there or back. He might genuinely want to save you the hassle of travelling. Most of these men are fathers and have that protective instinct. It’s 9pm, dark out, she’s waiting for a cab, this is nonsense, I’ll drive her. It’s not a redflag that he’s trying to be a gentleman, but either way, maintain your stance and politely decline.

Awkward behavior. Steve Jobs gave brilliant speeches, but outside of that, the dude was awkward as fuck. Nonetheless, he was richer than God. If a guy reaches to hold your hand on the first date and you don’t want him to, just say, “John, I’m having an absolute blast but I’m just not comfortable with that yet.” There’s no need to flip out and write a post saying OMG THIS GUY WAS SO CREEPY HE LIKE TRIED TO RAPE ME BLACKLIST!!!!! Doctor is the most awkward guy I’ve ever met in my entire life. Like him, many of these POTs were valedictorians of Harvard who went on to spend the next 8-12 years of their lives accumulating degrees in the dungeons of the Ivy Leagues. They lack sunlight and social skills. It’s okay. That doesn’t mean be wishy-washy when he tries to cop a feel. No. Be firm and put him in his place. If he makes you excessively uncomfortable, end the date and don’t pursue another. But if he stutters or can’t maintain eye contact or holds eye contact for too long or snorts or recites how beautiful you are or has a creepy smile, that doesn’t necessarily make him a potential serial killer.

RED FLAGS:

Talks about hotel time, private time, intimate time, ‘getting away’. There will be no sex on the first date. There will be no sex on the first date. There will be NO SEX on the first date. If he thinks dinner and a few hundred dollars gets you two “alone time” at the Ritz Carlton, then send him packing. Be blunt and embarrass that loser. Literally say, “John, I’ve had a blast getting to know you thus far but I have zero interest in trading sex for lobster and a gas money. I’m a lady who is looking for a gentleman with the means to provide for her and support her. If you’re only interested in sex in exchange for money, then you’re looking for an escort, not a sugar baby, and a second date would be a waste of both of our time.” Scare the shit out of him and make him realize just how crass and pathetic he’s being. You wear the pants. He’ll straighten up very quickly, or realize that you’re right and head down to the corner of main street instead.

Cringes at the bill or what you’re ordering. If he can’t afford lobster, desert, or how many drinks you’re getting, he can’t afford you. This is an absolute no brainer. Even if he says he can afford your $3000 monthly allowance, if it means he’s going without food, laundry, or anything else just to afford it for you now, there WILL come a later when he leaves you hanging. A real SD loves to treat you and doesn’t care if you buy the bar!

Switches stories. It’s one thing from initially stating he’s in finance to getting more specific about which sector or region he works in, but if yesterday he was CEO of Apple and today he’s a professor, he’s probably full of shit. Don’t be afraid to call him out on it. “I thought you said —-?” Learn the dynamics of body language and be able to discern when someone is lying or hiding key information from you. He could very well be the manager of the local K-Mart hoping to spend as many free dates with you as possible before you catch him in his lie.

Insists on anything. If he’s choosing your meal for you, forcing you to ride home with him, or backing you into a corner in any way, ditch him. If he’s that pushy on the first date, he’ll be even more pushy on the second or on the third because you let him win this time.

DATING:

Use a condom.

If you don’t use a condom, get tested regularly together and show each other the results.

RED FLAG 

Doesn’t meet allowance. If he owes you $500 per meet and misses a meet, he needs to bring it to the next meet, or else he’s breaking the terms of the arrangement. If it’s the end of the month and he shows up without allowance, he needs to send it to you/bring it to the next meet, or else he’s breaking the terms of the arrangement. Do not let him get comfortable and think of you as a friend or girlfriend. This is a SUGAR ARRANGEMENT. Do not let him treat you like something that you’re not and get sloppy with the reason why we’re here.

Wants to meet your family. Doctor still insists on introducing me to his sisters. Eck. Whatever. But he’s never meeting any of my family. I am not your girlfriend. This is not a relationship. We have no real future together. Read this haiku. It is the anthem of the bowl.

Insists on not using a condom, trying XYZ in bed that makes you uncomfortable. As always, don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with and let them know. A real SD will put his desires aside for your safety and comcort. If he’s being pushy in bed or otherwise, he’s not there for your best interest.

NON-RED FLAG

Asks about your personal life. It’s not weird for a man to want to know what classes you’re taking or what’s new in your world. He’s not being creepy or nosy, he’s just curious about what makes you tick. He shouldn’t be prying into if you have a boyfriend or anything super specific, but don’t get weirded out if he asks a lot of things about you.

Asks for sexy pics or texts suggestively. After you’re intimate together, this really is fair game to ask. As always, you need not oblige, and if you do, play it safe and don’t include your face or use SnapChat. But just because he’s thinking of sex more doesn’t mean he’s still not invested in being a sugar daddy. If it makes you uncomfortable, say so. If he’s a true SD, he’ll respect your boundaries and get over it.

Is affectionate in public. Just because he likes to hold your hand and kiss you, doesn’t mean he’s thinking of you as a girlfriend and less of an SD and forgetting your arrangement. If PDA makes you uncomfortable and you need a bit more discretion, let him know. But just because he likes your soft skin doesn’t mean he’s going to propose and leave your arrangement in the dust. He might just like your soft skin.

Hates shopping. Not surprisingly, a lot of men hate shopping, especially for women or with women or in women’s stores. So just because he’s not buying you louboutins doesn’t mean he won’t give you the money to buy them yourself. 

IF YOU REMEMBER NOTHING ELSE, REMEMBER THIS:

Your token line is: “I’m not comfortable with that (yet).” Don’t be wishy-washy! If he wants to have sex and you lie and say “Oh uh I’m on my period” he’ll just ask again the next time. Instead, be honest and be firm saying you’re not comfortable with sex, riding in his car, his hand on your leg, meeting his mom, etc. etc. etc. Drop this line WHENEVER you need to say no. It sets the tone that you are the one who sets the boundaries of the relationship and that those boundaries will not be crossed. If a man ever persists against something you’ve blatantly stated makes you uncomfortable, then you know it’s time to end things.

Emoji spell to break any curse anyone has laid upon you, or to block other’s negative thoughts or intentions

In the context of spoiling and spending on women. Why? Here are just a few reasons:

They no longer have young beautiful women throwing themselves at them

They generally have more money to spend

Free companionship, intimacy and sex is a rarity for them

They understand the true importance of money and spending when courting better

They generally come from the pre-50/50 generation

You’re more likely to get everything left to you in the will or have them divorce their wife for you

And here are the reason younger men don’t spend as much on women:

They have free young gorgeous girls literally fighting for their attention every day

They generally have less of their own spending money (disposable income)

They aren’t looking for a long term arrangement (whether it’s being a sugar daddy boyfriend or a plain sugar daddy who gives allowances)

They are a similar age to you and once you start ageing with them they’ll deem you too old and look to swap you out with your younger fresher counterpart (unlike older men - you will look young to a 50 yr old when you are 20 regardless of how much you age)

So, loves, as I always say aim for 40+. I don’t care if he a trust fund baby, up and coming rapper or newly signed pro-athlete if you want to secure your financial support from these men you have to aim for the easiest to manipulate and generous men. If you are in this business you have got to let go of all superficial ideologies of aesthetic attraction and finding “Prince Charming”. You would be naive to try and trick out a man in his 20′s. If you are going to be in this industry you must be fully committed and smarten up - leave all your socially conditioned ideas of “love” and “attraction” in the bin.

The only criteria that matter is:

His net worth (annual income, savings, shares etc)

His willingness to spend

Whether he is safe (does he have a history of spousal violence or sexual abuse etc)

Stay money-minded loves. Happy sugaring!

Men are perfectly fucking aware that there are situations in which women don’t feel comfortable saying no, and they go to lengths to put women in those situations *specifically* so that they can get sex if she doesn’t want to. Men have mental fucking blueprints of where that gray area starts and ends. They know what they can get away with and are constantly testing boundaries to see how far they can push.

Men are STUPID.

You have to start romanticizing your life. You need to believe that your morning commute is spellbinding, that every cup of coffee is the best you’ve had so far, that even the smallest and most mundane things are fresh and new. You have to because that’s when you start truly living. That’s when you start looking forward to each day with alacrity. 

Romanticizing life, contrary to common assumptions, does not necessarily pertain to romance in an amorous sense. The dictionary provides this definition, which I am adhering to:

romanticize: to make (something) seem better or more appealing than it really is.

In my opinion, this is of paramount importance for individuals in today’s society. There are enough sources of anxiety and despondence around us; pressures from school, university, and work, social media, and global causes of concern. This can easily render one’s life as dismal and bleak, a depressing outlook on the world. This is the trap that I fell into; most of my stress came from academic worry, and I let this paint my whole life grey.

It is at this point that it is necessary to romanticize your life. I like to think of this as finding the silver lining for what would otherwise be considered dull, everyday activities. The objective is to renew the way in which you see the world for a healthier mindset and a more optimistic perspective. 

The important part of this process is, of course, implementation in daily life. You may be asking: how am I supposed to romanticize the mundane parts of my day? Perhaps you are thinking of the time spent on public transport, or monotonous work, or household cleaning. The “dull” aspect of these activities, however, only comes from your current perspective on life. Follow this thought process to start changing your attitude:

How am I feeling at the moment? I’m anxious and exhausted because I have to fill out tedious paperwork.

Why am I feeling this way? The reams of paperwork are boring and overwhelming.

Now it’s time to change your thinking. How can I romanticize this situation?

This is the challenging part. Do not fret if you are feeling completely lost – rendering a moment in a more positive light through romanticization can be done in multiple ways. It just takes practice to become more automatic.

Here are a few routes you could take:

Pragmatic and productive: I will think about things to look forward to in the future as motivation for productivity. Half an hour will be dedicated to these papers, and then I can treat myself by biking to the local smoothie shop and buying a bouquet of peonies!

Wistful and imagined: I will pretend that I am working as a polished secretary, carefully filling out these papers with satisfying stapler clicks and a view of New York out my window.

Appreciative and detail-oriented: The birds are singing so sweetly today; it’s as if they are crafting a soundtrack for my work. This pen is smooth and the ink is a lovely blue. The scent of the lemongrass candle burning nearby is very comforting. I feel warm and content.

All of these techniques are simple ways to change your perspective in seconds, and they can be applied to any situation – writing an essay, sitting on the train, cooking, et cetera. Next time you feel low, I urge you to experiment with them! Depending on the type of person you are and the activity in question, your choice between the pragmatic, imagined, or appreciative perspectivemay differ.

Reflection and maintenance

Remember: a rose’s thorns are inevitable. It is okay to “lose your magic” temporarily, as long as you accept this and take steps to get back on track with life. Romanticization is one technique, but there are certainly others.

Continuously reflect on how you are genuinely feeling and act accordingly. As you embark on the processes explained above, please be kind and patient with yourself. If you become frustrated by your initial inability to view your life in an entirely different way, an ineluctable vicious cycle will be established. Thus, positivity is undeniably important in the journey to a romanticized, happier life.

I sincerely hope that it has prompted you to start considering how you are viewing life at the moment. You deserve inspiration and contentment in your daily activities.

To your success,