snails are lit

2!!!

it’s time to talk about a weird animal again here at bunjywunjy dot tumblr dot com (my house), and what better way to begin the new year than with an inspirational survivor to motivate us all with its sheer bullheaded tenacity?

you see, this animal has been around a very, very, very, VERY long time. 

it’s called the Coelacanth, and it’s your grandma.

SEE-la-kanth. say it right sonny, my ears aren’t what they used to be

Coelacanths are the oldest form of lobe-finned fishes on the planet. their  relatives first appeared 400 million years ago, and immediately made themselves famous by being the very first vertebrates to wiggle onto dry land. (they immediately wiggled right the fuck back into the water, as they had forgotten to evolve lungs first)

these fishes later evolved those weirdly buff fins into actual legs and developed into the first true land animals, though tragically they lack the Coelacanth’s roguish sense of style.

there’s a lot of stumpy little legs in this picture

while these lobe-finned fish did go on to become literally all land-dwelling vertebrates ever INCLUDING YOU, the Coelacanth was content to retain its fishy shape and continue on as it always had. for 400 fucking million years. 

they probably barely even noticed all those major extinction events. meteor who?

it’s coelaCAN, not coelaCAN’T.

today, Coelacanths are still more closely related to you than they are to most other fish. think of it as the weird cousin that never gets invited to the mammal family reunion.

the Coelacanth’s relationship to land vertebrates has long been known from fossils, but Science believed it had gone extinct sometime in the Cretaceous period more than 60 million years ago. so imagine Science’s surprise when a live Coelacanth was pulled up by a fishing trawler in 1938, off the coast of South Africa.

surpriiiiiiise! bet you thought you’d seen the last of me

this makes them the first ever example of a Lazarus Taxon (which is an absolutely badass phrase that would make a damn good name for a rock band), meaning it’s an evolutionary line we thought was extinct but they lived, bitch.

today, the Coelacanth is known to live in the Indian and South African oceans, where they thrive in deep water far away from the prying eyes of their nosy hairless ape relatives. 

they are mostly active at night and can grow to be 6 and a half feet long, and live more than 60 years. they don’t have much personality, but BOY are they tenacious.

I make up for it with my stunning good looks

Coelacanths mostly drift with the current, eating whatever happens to pass by that’s smaller than they are. this just goes to show that laziness does pay off in the long run! 

it’s a valid survival strategy, MOM.

Coelacanths don’t have many natural predators, as they taste completely disgusting. sharks are pretty much the only predator who will give it a try, but sharks also eat outboard motors and license plates so that’s really not saying much.

all that aside, these ancient fish can motivate us to face the challenges of the new year. just remember, if a weird fish with demi-legs can survive for 400 million years on the benefits of laziness and just being kind of weird and disgusting, so can you!

Rest of Party, looking on from a distance: Shit. He’s dead. He’s so dead. RIP Edward. 

DM: The dragon thanks the cultists and asks if you have any last words.

Bard: I look up at the dragon and say, “I have brought you this gold and these six cultists as tribute to your greatness.”

Rest of Party: OH SHIT!

DM, who was clearly not expecting that: …………roll persuasion.

Bard: 17.

DM: The dragon says, “I like you. Duck.”

Bard: ….I duck?

DM: The dragon incinerates the cultists with his poison breath and leaves you alive, flying off with his treasure. 

Bard: Oh my god. I thought I was dead.

“Pedophillia is bad”

“Skin color largely doesn’t determine how someone is as a person”

“Violence against people for political reasons is messed up”

“Terrorism, in any form, is never justified”

“Shoplifting is bad”

“Men and women deserve to be treated equally under the law”

“Abuse, no matter who the perpetrator is or who the victim is, is never justified”

“Racism is bad, no matter what race it’s against”