quiet as a candle, bright as the morning sun

her loser of a boyfriend

the little things are the hardest, for some reason. things she could easily do herself. even after she's living on her own, sae will drop off meals, dr. aurelius will call just to check in, her mother will do a load of laundry, peeta will tend the bushes outside, thom will fix cracks in the roof.

these gifts are all surprises, as well, because each of them knows katniss would never accept their offer. she barely accepts it when she realizes what they've done.

i think, after so many years of people's sacrifices resulting in harm coming to them, katniss finds her aversion hard to shake. it's also a fear of being viewed as weak. ptsd from the war/the games/life in 12, where weakness meant you were already dead.

sometimes, with people she doesn't know so well like thom and dr. aurelius, she stomachs the guilt and represses it carries on.

katniss never had autonomy. in the entire trilogy, the last major decision she made was to volunteer for prim (was that even a choice, though? watch your 12-year-old sister die or play the games yourself. one could argue there was very little room for what she wanted.) or maybe it was the choice to protect her family after her father's death. but, then again, it was either starve or go hunting.

everything after that was dictated by someone else: how she looked before the games, how she played the games, her relationship with peeta, healing her body, her behavior afterwards, her identity as the mockingjay, her role as a symbol of the rebellion, her ability to fight in the war, whose life she took, where she lived.

so, of course, when she's given a genuine choice over her life, it takes her a while to decide. of course it takes her years to figure out whether or not she wants to willingly give her body over to someone else. she relishes the time she has, she chews it over, she toys with the idea for 15 years, letting the fact that her person is finally her own settle in.

katniss: unreliable/biased narrator. unknowingly refuses to confront emotions. acts based on a need for control and distrust of others. convinced she needs to save everyone.