CampPillow

They remember the first robin. They remember how bloodthirsty the little gremlin was, how he appeared out of the darkness with a “HIYA FOLKS” that gave people near heart attacks with PTSD so bad they flinched everytime they walked into a dark corner. They remember his grin, baring few too many teeth with a glint in his eyes whenever the bat wasn’t around to curb him. They remember the death stare, the brooding that made no one doubt this was the Bat’s son. They remember how a punch would land a lot harder than it was supposed to, or the screaming that followed. Oh they remembered him alright.

The second one thank the stars was better. The second robin was giggly. He would hop around town, offering his help to everyone who needed it. Sure he was rough with abusers but hell no one cared about them. Matter of fact, the villains were glad because those assholes deserved no sympathy. They remember his puns, his wonder, his innocence and his spark. They remembered his laughter, his concern - the kind that only comes from one who’s been on the streets. This one was better, and the villains thanked their lucky stars. They remembered him alright.

But now, as the years passed and new characters emerged, the crime city saw the rise of two characters - a sunshine happy nightwing and a ready to kill red hood. And naturally, from their experiences in the past, the villains ended up making an honest mistake that ruined the two vigilantes’ reputation:

The villains assumed the first robin was Red Hood and the other was Nightwing. And BY GOD Gotham has not seen unhinged chaos like this.

SCENE 1

Red Hood *drawing his pistol* : Please, reach for your weapon. I’m itching for an excuse for my intrusive thoughts to become extrusive.

Two-Face: You dare mock me little bird?! Well.. I may not have my weapon.. but I have something I know you’d like..

Red Hood: Oh yeah?What’s that?

Two-Face: TAKE THIS! *slams button and coconuts start falling from the sky, all cracking and spilling as they hit the ground*

Red Hood:

Two-Face:

Red Hood: .. the fuck was that supposed to do?

Two-Face: .. HOW ARE YOU STILL STANDING?! YOU HATE COCONUTS ROBIN!!

Red Hood: The fuck- .. wait did you call me robin?

Two-Face *grins* : Yea.. robin. The first one. Thought I didn’t notice?

Red Hood: The first one? Does this *gestures vaguely to himself and his weapons* seem like something the first robin would do?

Two-Face:

Goon 1: I mean.. yeah

Red Hood: What! The first robin was nice!

Goon 2 *guffawing*: I beg your fucking pardon??

Two-Face: .. you took my coin and attached a magnet beneath it so everytime I flipped it it wouldn’t stop spinning. Do you know how long that took me to figure out?? Do you know how insane it drove me?? Joker had to help me out of pity. OUT. OF. PITY.

Red Hood:

Goon 1: ..Also you did steal some of our bones

Red Hood: hedidfuckingwhatnow-

SCENE 2

Nightwing: Hey there buddy! You look frostyl!

Dr. Freeze: Aha! You are too late to stop me robin!

Nightwing: .. robin?

Dr. Freeze: why yes! Don’t act coy, I know it’s you there. Now that we’ve got that clear.. I was wondering if you remembered all those years ago when you gave me a source for electricity to power a hospital keeping my Nora?

Nightwing:

Dr. Freeze: well you weren’t careful enough and never told me how much I could take from it.. so I used it to power so many of my inventions that came after

Nightwing *remembering when Jason was robin and every damn time he came to visit Wayne Manor his room would always run out power and the countless cold showers in freezing winters he had to take because of it*: .. oh? Well, sorry to break your bubble, but that wasn’t me Elsa.

Dr. Freeze: no? You joke around, make puns and I’m supposed to believe it’s NOT you?. The first one brooded like there was no tomorrow. He pissed me off so bad once I overheard him saying his favourite ice cream flavour and I made sure it wouldn’t be available in Gotham for YEARS. You’re not as bad as the first one. I’d remember if you were him.

Nightwing:

*Alfred bringing tea and a plate of biscuits down to the cave during a monthly mandatory strategy meeting, with Bruce stood at the head of a table all the kids are seated around*

Duke: i shouldn't even have to be here, i'm the only one on dayshift.

Jason: uh- i reject that; i'm doin' shit during the day too, y'know.

Duke, without missing a beat: that's because you're unemployed and have no civilian friends, there's a fucking difference Jason.

Dick: *covers his mouth, snickering*

Bruce: now, boys-

Jason: i will jump over this table, brightshit. try me.

Duke: *flips Jason off*

Jason, starting to get up: oh you want it-?

Alfred, pointedly putting the tray of snacks down in between them, giving them both warning glares: i trust that the meeting is going well?

*a beat*

Jason, sitting back down: dammit,

Bruce: *sigh* thank you, Alfred. now if we could just get back to-

Duke: i still don't want to be here.

Bruce: oh for- we've been over this, Duke. everybody has to attend these meetings.

Damian: just because you say something is mandatory doesn't mean it's actually necessary. it's subjective.

Bruce: it's not subjective, it's fact. if we don't take time to co-ordinate ourselves then we're more liable to miscommunicate and get ourselves, or others, hurt. it's important that we take this time to go over protocols and codes, as well as alert everybody of upcoming missions. it's not like you have anything better to do tonight, Damian.

Damian: what the hell,

Dick: oooh~

Damian: how dare you; i have plenty of ways to spend my evening, thank you very much-

Bruce, pinching the bridge of his nose: i didn't mean it that way, chum, can we just-

Damian: for starters, Drake and I have a new Lego set to construct, which you are selfishly taking time away from!

Steph, squinting across at Tim: sorry, you two build Lego sets together?

Tim: *defensive* what, mad that he doesn't play with you?

Steph, turning to Damian incredulously: well fucking yes?? dude- i ask you to hang out all the time. how come you'll play with Tim but not me!?

Damian, easily: because your version of hanging out is just dragging me all over Gotham while we stalk your English professor. i don't give a fuck which of the PA's he's hooking up with, Brown. i just want to build Lego.

Alfred: *watches with narrowed eyes as Cass slowly leans forward and drags the entire plate of biscuits towards herself*

Bruce: Damian, language.

Damian: me?!

Dick: fuck yeah, bring down the hammer, B.

Bruce, exhausted: can we all just-

Damian, planting his hands on the table: NO, WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MAD WHEN THEY SWEAR?

Bruce: Damian- sit back down,

Jason, casually putting his feet on the table: it's 'cause you do it wrong, Dames. the curse word has to fall off the tongue comfortably, so that nobody even realises it shouldn't be in the sentence. *tipping his head up to show his mouth* you gotta- like this, roll your tongue slightly, just let it fall off, see: cunt.

Damian, copying: cunt.

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt.

Bruce, staring between the two in defeat: *makes eye contact with Alfred pleadingly*

Alfred: *shrugs*

Jason: cunt,

Damian: cunt, like that?

Jason: yeah, but in a sentence.

Damian: Dick Grayson is a cunt. like that?

Jason: yeah you got it.

Dick: WOAH WOAH- why am i catching strays? the fuck did i do?

Tim, flatly: if you hadn't fucked up the protocol code names three months ago, we wouldn't have to do these meetings.

Duke, pointing at Tim in agreement: that's true.

Dick: I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE, JACKASSES, STEPH DID IT TOO!

Steph: at least i was concussed. you're just an idiot.

Dick: *visibly offended* i'll have you know-

Bruce, snapping: ok that is IT. all of you sit back down, we are going over the current standing protocols and that is FINAL. none of you are leaving until i dismiss you, and if you don't comply then you will be benched for the foreseeable future, understood?

*silence*

*the kids awkwardly exchanging glances as they settle back down into their chairs*

Bruce, sighing in relief: finally. now, can we all-

Jason: *sticks his hand up in the air*

Bruce:

Bruce: *wary* what is it about, Jason?

Jason, innocently: i have a question about the protocols.

Bruce: ...go on then.

Jason: what's the protocol for when you let a call from your overbearing father go to voicemail because you're busy getting it on with Roy Harper mid-patrol, and then said overbearing father just hacks into your private com line mid-fuck anyway, completely ignoring your boundaries and throwing off the mood, all because he wanted to ask whether or not you'd prefer fish or chicken for the family barbeque that weekend?

*complete and utter silence*

Alfred: *stares in disappointment at a rapidly reddening Bruce*

Duke, grinning wildly as he looks between Bruce and Jason: has that ever happened?

Jason, flatly: three times.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Cass: *loudly crunches on biscuits*

Bruce: ok Jason you can go,

Jason, already leaping out his chair: SEE YOU SUCKERS-

Steph: WOAH- HOLD ON, HOLD ON-

Dick: THAT'S SO UNFAIR,

Duke: JUST BECAUSE HE'S A SLUT HE GETS TO AVOID THE MEETINGS?!

Bruce: -STOP SHOUTING AT ME-

Damian: so what i'm hearing is that to get out of these ridiculous things, i just have to tell Jon he's allowed to hit?

*silence*

Bruce, to Damian: ...ok you're grounded,

Tim: Steph, i know we broke up years ago and you're technically my sister now but i feel like this is for the greater good-

Steph: you and i have the same mind, Timmy-boy.

*foil cracking, chewing noises*

Jason: -no, because B didn't take me in specifically because he wanted me to be Robin. that came after. pass me the sauce, Day. thanks.

Tim: i thought you met him when he was Batman though?

Jason: yeah i met him when he was Batman, but he didn't take me home because he wanted a new Robin, he took me in because i was homeless, i stole his tires, called him a fucktart to his face, and then kneecapped him with a tire-iron.

Dick, observationally: i'm pretty sure he took you in as some sort of version of self harm.

Tim: *snort*

Jason, muffled: mm- 'okes on him though, cause i turned out to be a complete introvert.

Dick: yeah i don't think he expected the violent street kid to love homework so much.

Damian: so how did the transition to being Robin happen? he allowed Grayson to join him to get closure after his parents' death, correct? what led him to allow you to take up the mantle?

*slurping through a straw*

Jason: well, i think his intentions were good when he first decided to take me in, because i asked if i'd be the next Robin and he told me i wasn't being adopted just so he could have a partner, and Robin was out of the question. i was just happy to live in a mansion, so i let it be.

Dick: you let it be? he told me you basically forced him to let you have the mask.

Jason: *laughs* well he would, wouldn't he? he's too embarrassed about how petty he was being.

Tim: what was petty about it?

Jason: *snort* ok, but Dick you can't be an ass about it- it was like a decade ago.

Dick, with anticipatory annoyance: why-? *pause* oh shut up.

Jason: um, *slight snicker* yeah, so, admittedly he did just give me the mantle to slightly piss you off a bit,

Dick, instantly: I FUCKING KNEW IT- OH MY GOD.

*smacking sound, harsh footsteps*

Damian: oh, now he's pacing.

Dick: ALL THESE FUCKIN' YEARS OF 'IT WASN'T PERSONAL, DICK, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH UPSETTING YOU, DICK, IT WAS JASON THAT WANTED IT, DICK-'

Jason: *wheezing* ok- OK but in his defence, i did also want it a lot-!

Dick: YOU SAID YOU'D LET IT GO!

Jason: w- yeah, i did, and then i met you.

*silence*

Dick, abruptly quiet: i was not that bad.

Jason, indignant: YOU- YOU-

Tim, absently: it's like dinner and a show,

Damian: i know right?

Jason: -YOU MET ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN LIKE I WAS ONE OF THE FUCKING PEDOPHILES ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR,

Dick: I WAS NOT- *breaks into a wheeze*

Jason: -PROCEEDED TO TELL BRUCE WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING ME, 'at least when you took me in the people of Gotham could understand it, i was adorable; what the fuck is this thing?'

Dick: *silent wheezing*

Tim: fuck off, were you actually that mean?

Dick: *gasping* i-

Jason: YES HE WAS. anybody in my position would have met that little prick and instantly decided to steal his old job, i refuse to take criticism on the matter!

Damian: and Father went along with that?

Jason: mm- not at first. but then he and B got into an argument where Dick stole Bruce's work laptop because 'he wasn't using it, so it was up for grabs' and i think B just wanted to get back at him by stealing something of his instead.

Dick: -completely unproportionate response, by the way.

Jason: no, but neither was seeing Bruce's calvin klein underwear modelling campaign and instantly creating the Discowing suit to 'show him what it felt like when your family member acts like an attention seeking whore', so you're both as bad as each other.

Tim: *aghast* IS THAT ACTUALLY WHY YOU DID THAT?!?

Dick: i- *breaks into wheezes again*

Damian: you know, considering everybody claims being Robin is so 'magical', the story of its origins and pathway through life sure is covered in a lot of spiteful bullshit.