It wasn’t easy coming out to your best friend of over 40 years. But let’s be honest. You didn’t just come out to Brian. You came out to him AND told him that you were in love with him. In love with your best friend…your best friend of 40 years! Your married best friend of 40 years. Your happily married best friend of 40 years who had two daughters and a son. You’d always been their Uncle Mikey. Now, you were standing in front of their speechless father, knowing he’d never sweep you into his arms and announce he was leaving Karen to be with you, but hoping just the same that he’d say that.
Wordlessly, he walked toward you. You had a lump in your throat, hoping he wasn’t walking toward you to slug you in the face. You were surprised when he placed his hand on your bicep and then leaned forward to touch his forehead to yours. It was weird. In all the years you’d known him, you and Brian had never gone this long in each other’s presence without saying a word to each other. And yet, because of how intimate the moment was, you felt oddly at ease in the moment.
There the two of you were, standing in your condo by the front door…silent, eyes closed, foreheads touching. The two of you were supposed to be on your way to grab a bite to eat. But, you couldn’t stand keeping both of the secrets inside anymore and blurted it out. You hadn’t really meant to. Brian had just asked if you had a preference of which restaurant to go to. You had meant to say Panera. Instead, the truth came pouring out.
You were too nervous to say anything. Actually, forget being too nervous to say anything. You were too nervous to even open your eyes! What if you opened your eyes and his own were staring back out you, scowling with anger or unfeeling coldness? No, it was much easier to stand there, forehead to forehead and eyes closed…with nothing but the sounds of both of your heavy breaths to pierce the silence.
Finally, you couldn’t take it any longer. Maybe you were a glutton for punishment, but you had to know what was happening here. He was still leaning his forehead against yours with his hands cradling both of your arms…unless this was some sort of new “I hate your guts” embrace that you were unaware of. Steeling your nerves, you swallowed hard and opened your eyes. He was looking into yours…but not with unfeeling coldness. There was a warmth that you weren’t quite expecting. There was something else too. And, even though you weren’t exactly sure what that something else was, you instinctively knew you and Brian would be okay…MORE than okay.
Without thinking - and still without a word spoken between you - you reached up and began working on the buttons of his shirt. Both of you were still breathing hard, perhaps harder now than you’d been before. Achingly slowly, you were working on undoing a couple buttons on that shirt when it happened. Spontaneously, you met in a kiss. Your mouths had been only mere inches apart. But, the kiss happened all the same. He hadn’t officially responded to your declaration yet. No, “Thanks for being honest with me,” “I love you, too!” “I’m fuckin’ disgusted,” “Kiss my ass, loser!…” Nothing, except for the kiss. The glorious kiss!
But there was something else besides the kiss. Now, he joined you, undoing the buttons of your shirt. As the two of you eased your way over to the sofa in your living room, planting short yet passionate kisses on and starting to disrobe each other, you did the best and worst thing you could possibly do. You dared to hope. He hadn’t declared his undying love for you and told you he was leaving Karen. But, it was a start!
Whatever the passion of this evening turned into, you’d either look back on it as the start of the best thing that had ever happened to you or as the start of something so horrible that it consumed your whole life for the next several months or years and cost you the best friend you’d ever had. As you reached down to work on unbuckling Brian’s belt, you hoped it was the former.
