go ahead, rip my heart out

Is that what this was classified as? Cockblocking? Spencer didn’t know the female equivalent, and for kissing, but for lack of a better word: he was. Caleb had been so close to kissing her. He shivered underneath her touch and his eyes were shining and he’d even said he wanted to; fingers tangled in the back of her hair as he leaned in and her eyes closed and she could just about feel his breath on her lips when someone other than the man in front of her called out her name, frantically. Spencer’s eyes had snapped open immediately, recognizing the owner and tone of the voice echoing throughout the night, and knowing it couldn’t be good. That didn’t stop her from internally wincing and squeezing her eyes shut, though; her disappointment evident in the sag of her shoulders. God damn it, Keegan. Could his timing be any worse?

No, not his timing. Her parents’ timing. The vibrating she’d felt and painstakingly assumed to be the beating of her heart was now most definitely the faint vibration of her phone against the side of her bag, and she didn’t have to glance at it to know who it was. Keegan was holding onto his own tight enough to show that he rather throw it than answer. There’s no way it was anyone other than their parents, and they were fucked.

“It’s okay, yeah, of course. Totally call you.” Unwillingly, Caleb let go of her hand before watching her leave with her friend. Watching her leave was one of the things that he enjoyed most-- he wasn’t going to lie. “It was nice to meet you, too.” He yelled back out. He leaned against the rail as he pushed himself away and started walking back to the bar, holding the glass in his hand.

Where on earth had that girl come from?

And... thinking about it before he walked back in the bar-- shit. He didn’t even get the girls number. Rushing back out, he looked around the parking lot noticing that the girl was no longer in sight. There had been so much hope and optimism for the night, and that all was crushed by knowing that he would never see her again. 

What she did know, though, was that she was okay with that. The prospect of seeing Caleb again. Maybe it wasn’t plausible. She wasn’t anywhere close to her home; this venue had been an hour or so away. Meeting up wouldn’t be easy, between school and work and her own personal life. Maybe this was just wishful thinking, to amuse both of them into thinking there was more than just tonight. Despite wanting more, Spencer was okay with that. The hope was nice to hold onto.

“Of course.”

She didn’t miss the way his eyes dipped to her lips. Spencer’s had risen to meet his just in time to see his dip down, and she knew they were staring at the cherry red of her lips. It was her favorite shade of lipstick tonight, and for this reason exactly. Most people couldn’t exist. Caleb wasn’t most people, though. He wasn’t just some easy makeout she was hoping to score, out of being lonely or bored. They were genuinely connecting, and more than just physically. 

It didn’t stop his mind from wondering about what her lips tasted like, though. They looked so plush and warm, and he couldn’t decide whether or not to take the risk. Kissing on the first date, with a little too much alcohol, could be a terrible decision. But it was one that he was sure he wanted to make. The hand on his just moved further up his arm, and that made his body shiver with excitement. The flirting had continued, and his eyes shone heavily even with their hazel color being dark in the night. 

It’d been awhile since she’d talked to anybody like this. Her last few club appearances had, at most, resulted in a brief groping session on the dance floor, or a sloppy makeout in the bathroom. Not Spencer’s usual style, but one she didn’t mind adapting to in order to have a good time. Things never went past that, though. No talking about movies and music and kids. Maybe not even any talking, other than a flirty “dance with me?”. She had to admit, talking was nice. Talking and being listened to. No amount of making out and neck biting would ever compare.

Although, if that’s where this lead, just for tonight…well, maybe Spencer wouldn’t mind. But the reveal of a kid had her thinking that this might not go the way she’d expect. And that, like everything else, was okay. 

It was heart warming to see the gleam in Caleb’s eyes as he spoke about Amelia. “She’s lucky to have you.” Spencer informed with a hand moving to cover Caleb’s. Nothing suggestive, just subtle. “With how amazing you’re making her out to be, I’d say you’re doing a pretty good job, and I bet she’d say the same.” Her smile was a little less forced; the initial shock was wearing off. “Does she ever come? To your shows, I mean. Does she know how much of a rocker her daddy is?” Serious questions, but with a teasing tone. Spencer was keeping things light.

His shocked expression, and disapproving tone immediately had her scoffing. “Uh, first of all, my how ever many years of living is not that many; just like yours isn’t.” She started to defend with a grin, crossing her arms over her chest. Not a complete lie, right? Just…avoiding the truth. “Second of all, my dad’s idea of a good movie is the Red Dawn remake, and that San Andreas one that gave me a panic attack just seeing the commercials for, and my mom? Twilight. Caleb, my mom thinks Twilight is a good movie. I wasn’t exactly born to movie buffs.” She was laughing at this point, but it quickly faded to a hitch of her breath when he said he couldn’t let her go until she saw that movie. Did that mean he wanted to see her again? A small smile took over her lips, blonde head tilted down at the ground. “Looks like you can’t let me go, then.” She breathed, smokey eyes meeting his with a little smirk.

How was someone capable of a smirk like that also able to laugh like a toddler? The sound was so child-like…it filled Spencer with a warmth in her chest, and a want to hear that laugh again and again.

“Um, no. I don’t bring Amelia to stuff like this. I don’t want to expose her too young. It’s mostly just for me.” A subtle head nod and smile turned him away from her as he leaned against the railing and looked into the harbor. The moon was high in the sky, and his eyes were definitely gleaming from the feeling of a full heart. 

The smile that was strung across his face only made Caleb more curious to know what her lips tasted like-- he hoped it was the Gin. His eyes scanned her facial expressions and smiled larger when she laughed. “I guess you’re right. You’re okay with that, then?” He lifted his eyes to look into hers again, taking another sip of his drink and realizing that it was now empty, leaving the ice to hit the bottom loudly. 

“Oh, yeah, I’m sure.” She nodded with narrowed eyes, although the smile fighting to pull at her lips gave her away. “I mean, you must be a total babe magnet.” Not that she actually doubted as much. Look at him. There was no denying that he was attractive. All biceps and lean build and unruly hair you just wanted to run your fingers through, but even those weren’t the most attractive things about him. That smile? His laugh? That sense of humor? Caleb was proving himself to be quite the package, and Spencer couldn’t help but feel sub-par in comparison. What did he see when he looked at her? Some awkward girl clearly not at place in the bar setting? Because that’s what Spencer was. As often as she’d been dragged out here with Keegan–as much as she’d adapted–there wasn’t any fixing the fact that she simply did not feel at ease in these kind of settings. They weren’t her thing.

Unlike the classroom. Just talking about it with Caleb, despite it being surrounded around his daughter, put her at ease. Five years old…that wasn’t too bad, and it wasn’t like it mattered. They were simply talking. Having drinks. Getting to know each other. And it was nice.

“I know kids like that. The advanced ones, I mean. It’s just so amazing to see tiny people with such…big minds. It’s beautiful, actually. You must be really proud.” Spencer knew she would be. She couldn’t help but hear a little bit of sadness behind his tone, though. Almost…longing. She didn’t understand. Did he not have custody of Amelia, maybe? Wasn’t able to see her as often as he’d like? Spencer would ask, but felt as if that was overstepping. They had just met, after all…but if he found himself talking about it? She isn’t so sure she’d stop him.

They switched topics fairly quickly. Back onto favorite movies; both of his ones that Spencer had never seen before. Her nose scrunch up a bit at the revelation; hiding it behind a drink from her glass.

“Are you going to just walk right away from me if I tell you I haven’t seen either?” She asked, gaze turning to fix on Caleb. It was a joke, but she feared seeing disappointment cross his features…much like how it’d crossed upon hers at the revelation of his age. Oh.

“I’m a total babe magnet, what can I say?” He laughed a little more, rimming the cup with his finger again before he nodded and looked at the ground. It was just silent for a few seconds, but it was an okay silence. There wasn’t anything to say, or anything that was needed to say. So, at that moment, the silence seemed to take over. But it was okay. Caleb, for once, didn’t mind being quiet.

It was so different from any other time of getting to know a girl. As thought of previously, Caleb hadn’t really explored with girls since Ashley died. He hadn’t had the real drive of finding anyone worth his while, no one seemed to strike any sort of feeling with him. Maybe that was okay, for the time being, though. Focusing on Amelia and getting her prepared for life was keeping him busy, along with some school classes that he had taken for the future, and a few different jobs bringing in income. Ashley had left some savings for them, but not enough to support them forever. They were young, stupid, and didn’t always make the best decisions as far as planning for the future. But that was the appeal. They had been living in the moment and for each other-- no one could have impended for what would happen to them. 

Being pulled back into reality, Caleb nodded a few more times, laughing as he thought about how Amelia was really changing his life in the most positive way possible. “I’m really proud. I’m glad I’m raising an amazing kid. Can’t really complain, she’s outgoing and obedient. For not having a mom around, I think I’m doing a pretty good job.” 

A shocked expression crossed Caleb’s face-- more confused than shocked, if he was being honest. “Have your parents not done you the justice in your how-ever-many years of living to show you decent film making at it’s finest?” He let a smirk start to derail on his features as he shook his head in disbelief, sipping the rest out of his drink and letting it slack in his fingers. “Damn it, Spencer. You’ve hooked me now. I can’t let you go until I’ve known that you’ve been honored to watch Marlon Brando’s masterpiece.” 

Caleb wasn’t really self-conscious of his age, but found that he wasn’t fitting in much with the others that... were his age. Being younger and having fun were things that Caleb cherished, especially since he spent his younger twenties raising a child. Now, he was starting to do things that he really wanted to do. He was starting to recognize that there were people his age starting to settle down, and he wasn’t sure that he had wanted that just yet. Twenty-six was going to be the start of something new for him, and he wasn’t exactly sure what that was. There had been a lot of confusion, but now, he figured would be the best time to meet someone-- to meet someone who was amazing to him. 

“You sure know how to flatter a girl.” She teased. His smile was infectious, as small as it was. Spencer couldn’t keep one of her own from bursting on her lips, seemingly making her look younger than she already was. All she could do was hope that it didn’t give her away. Not only to save her from sheer embarrassment, but getting kicked out of here, too. Keagan (and her parents) would kill her…assuming the latter wouldn’t already, if caught. A reminder was placed in her head of making sure to get home at a reasonable time, before her parents realized exactly where she was. The fallout would be huge. Spencer didn’t plan to be grounded during her senior year…or to die.

He seemed surprise by her choice of career. Interested, but surprised. His eyes nearly lit up at the revelation, and she had a small inkling that maybe he’d wanted to be a teacher, as well? But right as she opened her mouth to ask, new information was given on his end, shutting her right up.

He had a kid. He had a…kid.

Okay. That couldn’t be too bad, right? Doing the math in her head, a five year old could easily be born to a sixteen year old, making Caleb only twenty one. Maybe a little younger; twenty, at the least. This eased the small pit of nerves bouncing in her stomach; a small smile returning.

“That’s…that’s amazing, Caleb. I actually want to teach for that age group…kindergarten. Kids are amazing.” Which is why she wanted to be a teacher, after all. Although, having a kid and teaching them had to be different. This was something she just could not relate to, unlike his love of music and movies. Her smile grew a little easier with each interest listed. “I assume you have a favorite, then? Movie, I mean. Or are you the indecisive kind who can’t pick, because they’re all so amazing?” Spencer claimed to be such, although if asked, she could give you about a handful of the ones she truly deemed her favorite. The funny thing was that they ranged like her music taste; from adventure to horror to comedy to romance. She liked what she liked, didn’t what she didn’t. That could be the name of her autobiography, actually. Summed her up perfectly.

Speaking of sums…six years? He hadn’t been in school–college–in six years? Now that math didn’t add up. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, at that and the fiance bit; and as she was in the process of adding it all up, he went ahead and did it for her.

Twenty six. He was twenty six years old.

Oh.

Now…that? That was a bit of an age difference. Nine years, to be exact. Five more than what she thought his age to initially be. Looking at him with widened eyes, Spencer thought he had to be messing with her. The way he dressed, carried himself…he looked like the kids she saw lulling around the local community college in town. To be twenty six and looking like that? He was clearly doing something right, unlike what this was right now.

“I mean, I guess I just have so much practice from all the ladies around me.” Caleb rolled his eyes, his tone was very sarcastic as he looked around, accentuating his sarcasm. Taking a sip from his drink, he just watched her and listened to her speak. She was very fluid with words, and seemed to be highly educated for however old she was. Caleb didn’t think it was appropriate to ask at this point. 

“Amelia’s actually in a kindergarten program right now. She’s a little advanced, and I think I want to keep her there. My mom told me I should keep her advanced as long as she’s getting it.” Caleb loved talking about his little girl, but often found himself upset as he spoke. He loved her-- he did. It was just very hard to balance everything together. Would he have rather been at home with her? Of course. But he needed to make sure that he kept himself doing things that he loved as well. That’s why it was hard to balance everything being a single parents. Amelia was his responsibility, but he couldn’t keep up with only being there for her. 

“Ah, favorite movie,” He looked over at the water, thinking for a moment before he shrugged a little. “I’d have to say The Godfather. Wouldn’t every other film buff have to say the same? I think it’s classically the greatest film of all time. However, if you’re going to get technical, Citizen Kane is a great display of filmography. But the plot was pretty terrible.” He laughed a little bit at his rambling before lining the cup lip over with his finger tip. 

Her reaction wasn’t exactly what he had been looking for. She seemed to be surprised, and maybe she was. But he wondered why the shock spring to her face. Maybe she was younger than he thought, but he wasn’t going to ponder it. Instead, he took a longer sip from his drink, and pretended that some tension didn’t exist. 

Nerves. God, those were her biggest give away. They had to get really bad to be noticed, but once they were, they got worse. The drink in her hand was helpful in hiding it; liquid courage always doing the trick. Spencer made sure to take another sip of it before being lead out of the club by Caleb’s hand, oh-so-present on the small of her back. She tried to contain her grin with a lip bite, which could also be a product of her nerves. Being lead out of the club by a stranger? Was Spencer stupid?

In fear, her eyes darted towards Keegan, willing him with her mind to look at her. Once he did, and saw who she was with, he got the message quite clearly, and gave her a thumbs up. They had their own little system going when it came to this. Never not know where and who the other was with. 

“I’m glad you didn’t want to get rid of me.” Spencer informed once able to be heard, teeth releasing it’s grip on her lip. Her eyes scanned the outside of the club, taking in the view, and it was beautiful. The water, the moon, the general atmosphere. Spencer loved it. 

What she didn’t love was the loss of his hand. The heat left her immediately, and her face fell, if only slightly, at the lack of it. Out here, though, there was no being upset for long; one look at how beautiful the moon looked on the water had that smile returning almost as fast as it’d disappeared…but the moon wasn’t the only beautiful thing out here. Her gaze returned to Caleb. 

“You’re right.” She nodded, nose scrunching. “It does sound quite lame, but lucky for you…” She shrugged, walking over to lean up against the railing; the chilled metal sending goosebumps up her skin. “I’m quite a lame person.” Breaking with a laugh, she began to grow more serious. “So, I like music, obviously.” She gestured towards the club. “Any kind of music. I’m not picky. I like what I like; don’t what I don’t, y’know? And…hm, I like…photography. Not, like, ooh, look, I added a filter to this on Instagram kind of photography, but…capturing beauty. I think the camera exposes things people don’t. Oddly enough, though…I’m not in school for either of those things.” Another laugh, a bit more nervous. He thought she was in college. Of course he thought she was in college. She was at an eighteen and over club…God, what if he knew that she was seventeen? Would they even be out here right now? Would he’ve even bothered? “I, uh…I want to be a teacher.” Looks like Spencer didn’t care. 

It wasn’t necessarily a lie. She did want to be a teacher…and she’d get to be…once college started next fall. She just didn’t mention this.

It seemed easy with her-- not in a slutty, unappealing way. More of a, wow, this is really nice, kind of way. Caleb hadn’t dated since Ashley. Not seriously, anyways. He hadn’t found the time or interest, but maybe, seeing Spencer here today was a sign that this could be good for him. Maybe to even just go and see what’s out there as far as partners and potential relationships went. 

“Yeah, I think you’re a little more than just buying a drink for,” Caleb smiled at her, a small smile that said a lot. He realized that when they were outside she seemed nervous, and he didn’t mind that. He was just as nervous as she was. It had been a while since he had been in this type of position with anyone, and he eve knew that groupies meant nothing more than a quick second of fun. It wasn’t an example he wanted to set for his daughter, and the more he thought into it, the sicker it made him. He would never want Amelia to be subjected to that, especially when he knew how unforgiving and caring guys could be. 

When she spoke, Caleb was interested. He was interested in what she had to say and how she said it.  That wasn’t usually how it went, but he could see that she was someone with depth and could continue a conversation-- it was greatly appreciated. “That’s really cool,” He commented, nodding a little before tuning in to listen more. 

“A teacher?” Amazing. She wanted to work with kids. This couldn’t have made Caleb more happy if she tried. “That’s amazing. Speaking of kids, I have one.” He laughed at the way he said it, biting at his lip and taking another sip of his drink. “She’s five. A fireball, really. She’s incredible, though. I couldn’t have asked for a better little girl.”

Caleb thought about interests wise what he liked, but he hadn’t really thought about that for a while. All his interests included Amelia and things that she was interested in. “Well, music, obviously. I’ve been in a band since I was seventeen, and it’s just been everything to me. I love playing shows with my friends, and it’s such a rush.” Caleb smiled, thinking of more to say. “I really like movies. I think the art behind them is incredible, and film itself is so special. Other than that, I don’t think I have anything else that I’m heavily intrigued with.” 

Her mocking tone was so flirtatious, Caleb couldn’t really contain himself. It was exciting and fresh and new. “Well,” He started off, “I haven’t been to school in over six years. I dropped out of college when Amelia was born, my fiancee at the time moved with me to the suburbs and we made it our mission to raise a family.” 

“…I’m just not used to being seen.” The blonde settled for, eyebrow raising in his direction, as if to prompt him to question it. Like she said: not her first rodeo. Spencer knew how to flirt, how to be flirted with…part of the allure was mixing it was her slight inexperience. Apparently, it was charming. By the way the man before her leaned in closer, it was evident that it was working. She couldn’t keep her own smile from erupting.

“Tempting offer, really,” she accepted the drink gratefully (but making sure nothing had even the slightest chance of being added to it; once again, not her first club visit), “but I’m afraid that’s more my friend’s speed. I’m much more a casual talk at the bar kind of girl.” Her shoulders shrugged, cup finding her lips for a tentative sick. Coke and rum was her drink of choice–whether he knew that, or it was just a coincidence, she didn’t know–but she knew better than to start downing drinks when in the presence of a stranger. Spencer wanted to have fun, but not stupidly. She thought far too much for that.

Age, though. How old did he think she was? This was an eighteen year old and older club, and Spencer was just shy of that limit, but she believed the real question was…how old was he? Her eyes roamed his face, his body, the way he dressed…twenty one, maybe? Hopefully. Maybe a little younger…it didn’t matter. They weren’t doing anything. It was more for his sake than hers. She was still a minor, after all.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She breathed with another sip. “And I believe that name is unisex, actually, but I’ll make sure to tell my parents you appreciate their ignorance of gender roles.” Not. “It’s nice to meet you, though, Caleb.” Her hand barely shook his.

He leaned closer again, and this time, Spencer did the same, letting his lips slide by her ear in order to be heard better. The bass was booming in the room. Spencer could feel the vibration in her chest. Once his question was heard, she switched their positions so her lips were by his ear.

“Well, I guess you caught my eye.” Caleb’s words slipped from his tongue as he let it slide over his lips. He pushed his hands through his sweaty hair as he took a sip from the drink in his hand and let it burn all the way to the pit of his stomach. 

The music was loud and he knew that it was a little inconvenient to stand in the club, so he decided to lead the girl out of the area; he took the small of the back in his palm and scooted her towards the door. It wasn’t anything harmful or forceful, but just a little easier to move them towards something quiet and peaceful. “Yeah, no problem,” He offered for her thanks, smiling at her response. “I don’t really want to get rid of you. I’d like to get to know you.” Caleb’s eyes melted slightly at the sight of her blonde hair and big eyes. She was outrageously beautiful, and he didn’t know how someone that looked like that could ever make it in a club setting. It was surprising she wasn’t being drooled on. 

But maybe she shooed them away-- maybe she just found an interest in Caleb. 

The water was hitting the concrete wall that led down into the harbor right outside the building, Caleb could miraculously hear it over the sound of the music that was playing inside. His hand didn’t really want to move from her body, but he forced it away because he wasn’t too keen on being that guy.

It wasn’t until a man stood in front of her did she realize she’d been spoken to (called at, rather). Eyes widening, they focused back in on the culprit, taking in his sweaty appearance. Her eyebrows furrowed at how familiar he looked…until she realized she knew exactly why. Her eyes widened once again.

“Didn’t you…aren’t you…um, you just preformed.” Way to ignore his question, Spencer. Too in shock, she didn’t care. “I mean, you were…wow, okay. Can I just say that you guys were amazing tonight?” A grin formed on her lips, until she realized she totally sounded like a groupie. The smile dimmed, but remained on her face. “Sorry. Totally just groupied you.” She chuckled. “But I’m actually just, um…looking for my–” friend. Keegan. Who she could currently see grinding up against some faceless guy in the crowd. Great. Well, her job was done…but dragging him away from his latest conquest was not something even she could achieve. They would be here for at least another hour. 

“Totally didn’t groupie me out. You just look terrified that someone is talking to you.” Caleb bit his lip a little bit as he watched her expression towards someone who looked to be having quite a bit more of a lovely time than she was. “Oh, I see.” He pointed out over the heavy music, getting more on her level before feeling her hair against his face. “We could go have a go at that if you really want to. Don’t know if you’re into grinding on guys you don’t know.” His smile erupted on his face as he took the drinks, tipping the bartender, and handing the girl on. “You’re not going to tell me how old you are as I hand you this, because I don’t want to be surprised.” His hand held her other one as he nodded a bit. “But I like girls with typical guy names. It’s actually really attractive. Thank your parents. I’m Caleb, by the way.”  

Spencer shouldn’t even have been there right now. Sneaking out to see some band preform more than an hour away from home…her parents didn’t even know she was even there, let alone not tucked away soundly in her bed. If they knew she’d purposely defied them–practically said a big “screw you” to their strict forbidding of going to the show tonight–she didn’t know what they’d do. She didn’t want to know what they’d do. Which is why she wanted to just see this band finish their set, somehow find Keegan in the darkness of this club, and hightail it the hell home. There was no way she was going down for this because her friend decided to sneak off with someone from the opening act. She loved him half to death, but God, did he think with his dick far more than he thought with his brain. 

It’s not like Spencer didn’t understand; they were seventeen, they were young. Hormones were a major factor, as well, and she couldn’t lie and say she hadn’t…divulged in a little fun, but not nearly to the…extent of which Keegan had. Not to the point of jeopardizing her best friend’s last year of home by risking a major grounding if she didn’t hurry the hell up. Where the hell was he?

After the set had been performed, and a beer was stuck in Caleb’s hand, he hadn’t really stepped out of the world of drums. That was all he ever really wanted to do, but it was so impractical. Caleb hadn’t really done anything that major since Ashley left, and even with that, he hadn’t been so sure that he would have ever done anything that would have impacted Amelia’s life that greatly. He knew she needed stability, even though his dreams had to come to a halt, and would stay that way. But new dreams would emerge, he knew. 

“Dude, there are so many dimes here.” A band member, Luke, had pointed out. Sure, Caleb thought, there were quite a few better looking girls tonight than usual. But it was always the same kind of girl; the ones who wanted the hit and run were the most frequent. Caleb wasn’t necessarily a ‘hook up’ kind of guy. He liked the idea of dating and having someone exclusively, not just for the sex. He knew what the sex turned into. 

That came as a bit of a surprise to Spencer. Her eyes widened, visibly shocked by the admittance. Amelia hadn’t mentioned that. But it was good. Good for him, for her, for them. That apartment wasn’t a home. It was a temporary living situation that both seemed to be dying to grow out of. It was good that Caleb was realizing this and doing what was best for him and his daughter.

“It sounds nice.” She agreed, her smile forming a little easier than before. Things weren’t so awkward. Still…tense, but warming. Loosening. She wasn’t standing with her eyes down and her arms crossed and her guard up. She was wary, and nervous, but she wasn’t so off putting as before.

In some ways, it did. Mean more, she meant. Their “I miss you”’s were no longer petty things brought on by not seeing each other in a couple of days. This was an “I miss you” that meant they honestly, truly missed the other’s presence, which hasn’t been around for months. Maybe it didn’t have the same effect, but it meant something. Meant more than it usually did.

“…I think that’s what I love you’s are for.” She mumbled, letting out a shaky breath. “Or any other stronger emotion other than…longing.”

It had been a little hectic lately, and the growing exhaustion was starting to show through his hazel eyes. There hadn’t been anything but positivity through the process, along with Amelia getting the same attention that he knew that she could handle. It would be more difficult, especially finding something that he could afford but still be a good and healthy living space for the both of them. He just wished that he wasn’t alone during this time. 

“It will be eventually.” Caleb nodded a little bit, remembering that he couldn’t say the one thing on his mind. He wanted to tell her he was still in love with her and that he wouldn’t stop, but he couldn’t-- not now. Not now at all. there was no rhyme or reason. She didn’t love him back, or she wanted to forget that she did. Either way, it wasn’t something that was necessary. 

“I just wish that it didn’t end up this way, that’s all.” Caleb shrugged, looking over towards the playground where Amelia and a few other kids were running around before back at Spencer. “I don’t know. There just is so much,” He looked at the ground, unsure of his wording. “So much I still wanted to do with you. So much we didn’t experience as a couple. I at least wanted a one year.” Caleb’s eyes moved up to stare at Spencer’s before he bit the inside of his cheek. The pace that his heart was moving was an unimaginable speed, mostly because he didn’t really know where to go from there. He didn’t want to leave her, he didn’t want to say goodbye just yet. But that’s where this conversation was heading. 

She could see how much talking about this was hurting him. That hadn’t been Spencer’s intention. She loved Caleb–she did. She might not be in love with him anymore, but that didn’t mean she wanted to cause him pain…even if, justifiably, he deserved it. He did break her heart, after all. But Spencer wasn’t completely innocent in the matter either, nor was she the kind to wish pain upon anybody. Even the ex who’d done so to her.

“That’s nice.” She nodded. “You and Amelia, I mean. She loves spending time with you.” Although the time they spent alone together wasn’t often, just by the conversations the two held, Spencer knew it to be true. If anything, Caleb needed to spend more time with Amelia, who she could also tell was starting to feel a bit neglected. It was evident in the way her eyes dimmed every time his named popped up in conversation. Spencer imagined hers did the same.

“But thank you…for being glad. And…” missing me, she wanted to add, but refrained. Instead, she smiled, and let the words tug slightly at her heart. “…I miss you too.” Just not enough to go running back into his arms.

Caleb wanted to let her know what he had been doing and how he hadn’t taken the picture of her off his nightstand and how he stood in the shower at five AM and wished she was standing with him. But he wouldn’t say any of that, no. He wouldn’t make it harder than it needed to be. He didn’t deserve her in the slightest. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try to be the best he could possibly be.

“Yeah, I know. Between her here, and me at work, it’s really hard. I’m trying to move, though. I promised her we’d get out of the apartment. I’m working a lot.” Caleb looked up at her and gave a half-smile for a split second. “I don’t want her growing up there. She deserves a yard to play in. Maybe we’ll even get a puppy sometime.” His eyes shot down again. “I don’t know, I’m just trying, I guess.”

There was so much he wanted to say. So much he wanted to let her know. But he didn’t want to seem like he was needing her as much as he actually was. This wasn’t about him, this was about their relationship and where it could progress. But Spencer was happy– she was so happy. She looked healthy and her skin was glowing, and he couldn’t have imagined her being any more of an angelic figure than she did right now.

Happy was a…relative term. Spencer would’ve used…content. Not too bad, not amazing, but…okay. Good. Less stressed, definitely, but the same couldn’t be said for the man in front of her. Caleb looked older–more like his actual age than Spencer had ever seen him. It’s not to say that the look didn’t suit him–she’d always loved the scruff of his beard and the way his hair looked pull back in a ponytail–but it added the years that the curls and the baby face just did not. Mostly, though, he looked tired, and Spencer couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of her.

She shouldn’t have cared. They were done with. He was none of her concern…except Amelia didn’t seem to realize this. Spencer’s day was usually filled with the little girl informing her all about her daddy, and inquiries about why Spencer didn’t come around anymore, and if she still loved them. The questions were answered with forced smiles and “of course”’s, just enough to satisfy Amelia until she went off on another tangent about something, but not enough to get Spencer to not think about whether or not she did still love them–Caleb specifically. 

He’d ripped her heart out. Luke had kissed her, but Caleb had kissed someone else–no, not just kissed, but slept with! He’d slept with someone else. Someone else had shared that bed with her boyfriend and that someone had not been Spencer. And everything after that promptly fell apart. Just when things were finally starting to get better for her, here he was: standing in front of her, begging for forgiveness.

Except he wasn’t.

Not for forgiveness, at least. He was begging her to say that…she was happy? Spencer hadn’t expected that, nor had she expected him to have been stalking her Instagram. That, she wanted to be upset by, but she couldn’t exactly say she hadn’t made a habit of that herself on the nights where sleep didn’t come easy.

“I…” Spencer tore her eyes away from Caleb’s, unable to think straight when they were staring at her like that. “I’m getting there.” She admitted, and honestly, at that. Things weren’t perfect, but…they were alright. She was alright. 

“And I’m not seeing anyone.” Alright, and apparently too honest. She should’ve just agreed and let him know that she was moving on, but him and those puppy dog eyes made it impossible. “Not seriously, at least.” She added sheepishly. “But…yeah. He’s pretty great.” The smile the thought of Kyle brought to her lips was nice, but nothing compared to the full on grins that he ones of Caleb could give her. “Um, what…what about you? Anybody new in your life?” Even if she already knew the answer, it was at least courteous to ask.

Standing in front of her after weeks-- months-- of grieving made him feel like he was absolutely insane. It felt like he was finally breaking down, but he definitely couldn’t figure out why. It had been months and he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Did that mean what he thought it meant? Because he certainly couldn’t afford to lose her again. But how could he lose her when he isn’t even close to having her? 

Her words were unsettling. They sounded like she was healing, and he knew that she wasn’t one to rush into anything. But that was okay for the time being. He was glad that she had to have time to get over him, even if it meant that he broke her. He wanted her to remember him and to think about him. To remember him. “That’s good. I-I’m glad. That you’re okay, I mean.” 

He kicked some of the gravel at his feet, just making it seem like he wasn’t staring at her. Even though he wanted to-- badly. But he just listened to her and looked up occasionally to show that he was still listening to her. Hearing her talk about any other guy just created a caved in feeling through Caleb’s chest. He didn’t want to hear about it, but he was okay with it. He knew that there was someone who was making her happy, and if it wasn’t him, than fuck it. Someone would have to make her smile. 

“I’m sure.” Caleb smiled, not a genuine smile, of course. He didn’t know how to do that right now. But he knew that it would pass. His eyes dug into her’s for a second, his mouth opening to say something before he shook his head. “No, no one in my life. Just Amelia.” He nodded a little bit, shoving his hands back in his pocket for comfort. The small feeling was starting to overcome him-- he felt small and helpless like this. So vulnerable and weak. “I’ve gone on a few dates, a few one ni--” He stopped himself so he wouldn’t have to bite his tongue. That wasn’t really something she needed to know, he guessed. “Nothing to brag about, I guess.”

These last few months had been good. Not great, not amazing, but good. Informative. Eye opening. Spencer had made some friends, possibly even gained a boyfriend (they weren’t labeling it, but it was something), and her life was finally coming together in ways she hadn’t even imagined. Who knew that her senior year would actually start to make her feel like she was growing up? Funny how three years of high school were nothing compared to this year for her. She was finally gaining that maturity and confidence that she knew would do her some good. God only knows she could’ve used such an attitude back when she was with Caleb.

Caleb.

It’d been awhile since she’d seen him, but not the length of their break up. There was still after school pick ups, and the few previous times he’d tried to get her to talk to him. Spencer had refused every time, not trusting herself to deny him forgiveness when they were alone. She wasn’t mad anymore, but not being mad and being able to trust him were two different things. The last attempt had been weeks prior, though, so she’d just assumed that he’d finally accepted that they were over and moved on. That’s what Spencer was trying to do.

And it was working, for the most part. She’d met a boy who volunteered at the school as well. His name was Kyle, and he was…everything she could’ve asked for. Kind and smart and funny and her age–only a few months younger than her, actually. And it was nice. He was nice. Things were just not labeled for the time being. They’d both just gotten out of semi-serious relationships and they weren’t in a rush for something that might not be able to last that long, anyways. Graduation was next month, and then college a few months after that…they just wanted to see how things went, see where they wound up. Maybe it’d be together. Maybe not. To be perfectly honest: she didn’t think either of them cared. Fun was fun.

Just not too much fun. The main cause of her and Caleb’s downfall–her virginity–was still intact, as she wanted it to be. These last few months of hanging out with Kyle and doing more than just innocent kissing had made her realize that it wasn’t just Caleb she wasn’t willing to sleep with, and that her previous statement about how easy it’d be to just lose it to anybody was false. She hadn’t just been waiting for Caleb to take it. She’d experienced the same sexual urges with Kyle–the want to explore more, see what she was comfortable with. Being with someone her age didn’t mean she wanted to just give it up. It didn’t mean she could.

So, she hadn’t. Her and Kyle just fooled around–lazily kissed, afternoons alternating between homework and making out…it was fun. It really was. To not constantly feel the stress of an adult relationship at such a young age…it’s not to say that she didn’t miss Caleb, because she did. It just meant that missing him didn’t mean she could go running back.

Even though that’s what he seemed to do. 

Kyle had informed her of a kid whose parent typically picked them up late, and merely asked her to take his stuff to her car and that they could go get pizza after. Sunglasses drawn over her eyes, she was oblivious to mostly everything but the backpacks she was throwing into the passenger side door.

Until she heard his voice.

Jumping, the blonde whirled around, one hand on her chest, while the other went to remove the sunglasses from the bridge of her nose, placing them on top of her lightening head. Her eyes raised to meet his, having to squint due to the sun, but she didn’t need full sense of sight to be able to tell who it was.

“…Caleb.” She breathed, but she’d blame it on the fact that she’d been scared half to death. Her hand dropped from her chest, falling to her side. “I can’t do this.” She regained her composure fairly quickly. “You don’t want to talk. You want to…persuade or guilt me into giving you another chance.” Her head shook.

It never took much for Spencer to send Caleb into that feeling of ultimate grief and sorrow. He missed her deeply, and to know that she could be so much happier without him made him feel wounded. But he knew that there was much more to that. There was much more to their relationship that he wanted to figure out, and how they could eventually be what they once were. He wanted to send Spencer into shockwaves of euphoria and he wanted to watch her walk around the house in his t-shirts. He missed them and their talks and the way that they could make each other smile . 

He missed them. 

Looking at her now was hard. She had grown up so much in the few months that they hadn’t seen each other, and she looked so happy. She looked healthy and rested and he couldn’t be more happy that she looked that way. It only made him realize how much he probably put stress on her and the relationship. It was a hard pill to swallow, but he knew that maybe... just maybe that this was the right thing for them. 

He hadn’t let himself go,  but there was definitely some features on Caleb that added to his actual age. He had grown some scruff, but that was mainly due to not having enough time to actually do anything to it. The hair had stayed it’s same normal length, he put it in ponytails a lot now, but he had just looked a little more like... a dad. A cool dad, he liked to call himself, but more of a manly exterior. His sunglasses rested on the neck of his shirt, his hands pushed themselves into the pockets of his staple black jeans.

“No,” He said quickly after her, “I don’t, actually. That’s not why I’m here. Or talking to you, rather.” He licked his lips, standing away from her. “I’ve just seen your Instagram’s and you look really happy,” his eyes traveled to the girl’s own that had been revealed from behind the sunglasses. “Are you? Happy, I mean?” Caleb couldn’t help but stare. She was so damn beautiful, and he couldn’t help but stare. He didn’t want to say it because the topic burned like poison in his mouth. He knew the answer because it was obvious from what she put online. But for his own sake, he wanted to make sure. 

“Like, I know you’re seeing someone. And I’m happy for you. He’s good to you, I hope.”

Caleb’s eyes rose to meet Spencer’s own again. 

Oh, God, was that rich. Spencer was this close to laughing. Crying, too, but neither happened. She listened to his angry spiel without so much as a word. She wasn’t going to waste her breath. He obviously had his own opinions about what was causing all of this, and Spencer had hers. Arguing to death about it wouldn’t do anything but make both of them angrier. At this point, Spencer didn’t know if that was possible, but who knew; Caleb was persistent. Always so damn persistent. Pressuring her and pressuring her and saying that he understood, when he never did, did he? He never understood how even with his promise of “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he’d always find a way to get her to do what he wanted. She’d just been too naive to realize it.

Naive.

Jesus, was Spencer so damn tired of being naive. All she wanted to do was be able to see people for who they truly were. If these were Caleb’s true colors…leaving would be the best thing for herself. She couldn’t be with someone like this.

And then he uttered the -I word.

Spencer had risen herself to her feet somewhere in between “you claim you love me,” and “your parents know nothing about us,” still not uttering a word, but willing to listen to his. Listen and agree were two different things, however. She listened and didn’t like one thing she heard. She never fucking tried? She did nothing in her power to make this easier? She lies once and apparently that’s what ruined the relationship? Oh, no. Caleb was just grasping at straws trying to evoke a reaction out of her.

And then he uttered the -I word.

That got a reaction.

And a particularly violent one, at that. Staring him right in those eyes of his, Spencer didn’t seem to hesitate in raising her palm and letting it fly. It was a good, hard slap; one that echoed around the room, jerking his head to the side and leaving her hand stinging. Taking a step forward, tears still filling her eyes, Spencer continued to stare into his eyes.

The tears that filled her eyes were angry ones, and he noticed that as he turned around, backing up to give them both space. His hair was a mess, and as he swept it back with his hand, he raised his eyes to look at her with his own neutral ones. He wasn’t in the mood to fight anymore. 

“I don’t have a fucking excuse. I’m dating a fucking child.” His eyes were red, but he wasn’t sure if it was just from being tired or because tears were threatening them. His voice was quiet, an angry quiet; the worst kind. He knew that he just needed to let her stand up for herself. “Wait,” He said, rolling his eyes as he turned on his heels to walk towards the bedroom. He threw his drawers open before he grabbed out the things from her drawer-- her drawer. The one that he made space in his life for. It had clothes and little things that she would leave there. He grabbed a shoebox from under his bed, filling it with the things in the small space. There wasn’t a reason for her to come back, and he didn’t want to make her. Bras, underwear, shirts, makeup, hair accessories-- everything was shoved in this small box. Their memories, pictures... everything. Caleb descended from the room, box in hand, as he handed her the items. 

“Here. So you don’t have to come back. Just go.” He let the box fall into her arms before he opened the door for her to leave. There would be times he would see her, to pick Amelia up from school. Caleb would see her, and it would hurt. But that would all that they would be; a solid small and ‘thanks’. That’s what hurt the most. 

“That doesn’t make me feel any better, Caleb.” Her voice was heavy with tears. “And I don’t think we’ll ever have a chance to find out, anyways. Because if I was the love of your life…” Her head shook, a sob threatening to erupt from her lips as she turned away from him, not able to face him. Talking to him was that much harder when she had to stare at the face she used to look at so adoringly.

“You’re…you’re wrong, Caleb. It changes everything.” But these were words that had to be said to his face. Taking a deep breath, she turned around again, arms crossed over her chest, then uncrossed, and then waving around again. “I…I can’t trust you anymore. You cheated on me, Caleb. I love you so goddamn much and you…you claim to love me too, and that you could wait for sex. You…Jesus, you’ve pressured me into so goddamn much and I let you. I stupidly let you, thinking that it’s the least I could do. I get it, okay? I get that you’re in your twenties and you should be able to have sex whenever you want and I am so sorry,” her hands were waving again, sarcasm falling heavily off her tongue, “that I inconvenienced you by not wanting to have sex–” Her hands were suddenly pulled into his grasp, pulling her body closer to hers, before she violently jerked away, the force sending her off her feet and to the ground. Even then, she retracted her hands and pulled them into her lap, scooting back with her knees drawing up to her chest, arms wrapping around them.

There had to be a solution, but they were both giving up. They couldn’t be that over it-- not yet. This wasn’t going to happen, not yet. Why was this so difficult? “If I loved you I wouldn’t have cheated on you.” The words came out in the most pained voice that Caleb could have ever produced. It was strained and soft, kept only between them as he noticed the pain in her face, the worry that she held among it. It wasn’t okay to watch her cry and know that there was nothing he could have said or done to have fixed it. They would both cry for a while, both of them. He just had to keep it together for now. 

“Don’t play that on me,” Caleb interjected, a bit of anger spitting through the words. “I told you I loved you first. It was never a ‘claim’. I didn’t say it because I thought I meant it, Spencer. I said because I know I did-- I do. I always have, and I always will and I don’t fucking care what is standing between us. Me having sex with another girl doesn’t mean that my love for you is gone, as fucked up as that sounds. I made a mistake, and I know what that costs me, I do. You can’t trust me, and I wouldn’t blame you. But don’t-- please, don’t push me away. I’m trying, and I’ve tried for weeks to be able to get you to sleep next to me. You think this is fair?” Caleb’s eyebrows narrowed again. Now, he was hot-- Spencer was making it about his mistakes now. Sure, he made the final breaking point, but it had been boiling for some time now, but the anger was starting to seep out now. 

“Oh, inconvenienced me? You claim you love me, you claim you’d do anything for me, huh?” His body moved closer to the girls now, looking her dead in the eyes. “Your parents know nothing about us, it’s all I’ve asked from the beginning. I just want to be in your life, and I know-- trust me, I know it’s hard. It will always be hard, and I get that, okay? But you never fucking tried. I tried so hard,” He rolled his eyes, sighing loudly as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I tried so goddamn hard-- I introduce you to my friends, you’re a part of my daughters life-- you’re apart of my life. This isn’t all about my mistakes on you, you need to realize that you’ve done nothing in your power to make this any easier. I introduce you to my friends, you lie to me, he tries to fuck you, and we, again, realize that I told you to stay away from him. Me opening my life up to you backfired completely. Like, what the fuck kind of communication is that, huh? You want to fix things between us, and then you lie? I didn’t fucking lie-- you could have never even known this happened. I needed to tell you because I fucking care about you-- about us. I wanted us to move past it. It’s done, it’s over. But you are pinpointing me and blaming me for your insecurities about our sex life.”

His face was angry. It took a lot for Caleb to get angry, but as Spencer pulled away from him, he knew. It wasn’t meant to last because she didn’t know how to make it last.