Time.

For my 9th birthday, mom gave me a Holly Hobbie ceramic statue. Holly looked like she was posing as a music conductor with an inspirational quote printed on her stand, "Start Today on a Happy Note."

I was excited and proud to receive such a beautiful, delicate gift. I felt special, as none of my other siblings had ever received such an extravagant and impractical gift before.

As I was reveling in my feelings, mom said, "I want you to read this every day before you get out of bed. Think about what this says before opening your mouth to speak."

At that moment, my life imploded before my eyes. Every mistake, misspoken word, impulsive action and temper tantrum in my 9 little years of life, flashed in my mind.

Strokes of lightening, shearing white-hot shards of pain, humiliation, regret and embarrassment filled my head and tears began to well up.

Stunned, my mind began to defend myself, the white pain behind my eyes turned to red, I envisioned smashing my beautiful little statue across the edge of the table. I saw myself grinding each broken piece with my heel, flashing back through memories of mistakes, embarrassing moments and feeling mortified at my catalogue of life.

Then I felt so terribly empty, lonely, sad and isolated. The red turned to blue in my minds eye. I was a failure at 9 years old, so much, that my own mother felt the need to brand me and serve me a reminder that I wasn't as good as my siblings. Or any other human being.

I was such a failure in her eyes, that I needed a daily reminder of my short-comings for how awful I was a human.

I was very confused at the idea of destroying my beautiful gift, but it now represented so much failure and pain. I couldn't stand to look at it.

Yet, I dutifully slid the statue back into her clear, acrylic box, thanked my mother and put the statue in my room next to my bed.

Everyday I woke up, and the first thing I saw was the Holly Hobbie statue.

Everyday, the white hot flash ran through me, then it was followed by the red heat of anger. Then the deep, blue color would come across my eyes as hopelessness and despair took over. Only then would I crawl out of bed.

Each day, my mind cycled through the emotions, like Groundhog Day. Soon I cycled faster from white to red to blue.

Eventually, as the years went by, the cycles came and went so quickly, so unconsciously, that I forgot I was experiencing them. I no longer needed Holly Hobbie by my bedside to follow the steps. The daily negative self-review was ingrained so deeply, the damage so complete that I didn't know anything else.

I unconsciously created situations in my life that tossed me like a ball in the ocean. Creating a wave of success followed quickly by the crash of self-designed failure. Anything I set my mind to achieve, also had a back-door action to ensure I would fail.

I have fought against my self-destructive patterns for years. I've worked with various therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists to seek to resolve the destructive behaviors.

"Why," I would plead with them, "am I able to achieve such heights of success, only to sabotage myself?"

Oh my God. Until this moment in my life I had never made the connection before. I began to write this piece, intent on concluding an entirely different concept! Instead I just made a connection between the Holly Hobbie incident and my life patterns.

Her power instantly dissolved.

I've smashed through my mother's will for me to be perfect, and ground it to a fine powder.

It blows away in the wind, out over the ocean, where it falls and sinks slowly into the blue-green rolling waves. And with it, my destructive patterns are gone.

I'm left lonely without the emotions of pain, humiliation and embarrassment. The constant companions of negativity have created a gaping hole.

I consciously begin pouring sand into the hole. The sand is ingrained with happy memories of beautiful, successful moments of pure joy in life.

As I pour through the memories, I feel lightened and scared. The new freedom from pain has me questioning,

"Where do I go from here?"

I smile to myself, as the rays of yellow sunshine pass before my eyes. "It doesn't matter," I whisper. As hope and happiness bloom in my heart.