Unapologetically Me

So much of me just wants to fade away.  To disappear.  To withdraw.

It’s a struggle not to completely shut down, but I’m trying.

I'm getting married in the morning.

So many years ago I dreamed of being a mother.  I wanted that experience, that life event, so much that at times I felt almost desperate for motherhood.  I jumped into relationships that were toxic, gave up myself in pursuit of that want, and told myself again and again to be patient, that one day it was going to happen, that the timing just wasn’t right then.  Thankfully, at one point I stopped that pursuit -- it wasn’t healthy, there were other interests I had, and then I became afraid (that I would end up being a mother like my own was) -- and life moved on.

There came a point where I let go of the dream.  My primary partner at the time had no interest in having kids or getting married and I wasn’t going to cast aside that love for a chance, a what if that might not ever happen.  I’d found happiness without motherhood, had goals to work on, plans for the future, and a furry feline child to spoil again.  There were other people I could nurture, myself included, and I didn’t feel that emptiness I thought I might by accepting I wasn’t going to be a mother.  I didn’t feel cheated somehow that I wasn’t going to “get” something in life that I’d wanted so much… because my life was full and chaotic enough, because I wasn’t empty.  

A life without motherhood was still going to be a great life.  

Then Knight came along.  The thoughts didn’t change, Knight wasn’t sure about having kids (it was a future maybe when we finally talked about it as we wanted to be in a better financial position and see how we felt in a few years), and by then, to be brutally honest, I didn’t have the same feelings toward that want anymore.  I’m older than I was before (duh), I wanted to focus on our finances, and the freedom of not having children had become an odd balm.  And then life just went topsy turvy -- I had a breakdown that revealed unmanaged agoraphobia, an increase in anxiety, depression, and paranoia, and resulted in losing my corporate job.  Once I was able to start looking for work again it didn’t come easily, either, and I spent three months actively looking for work.

I found that work -- at the small company where I am now and feel so incredibly valued -- and in the same week I started we found out I was pregnant.  

Surprise!

It wasn’t an easy pregnancy -- diabetes, high blood pressure, pelvic tearing, muscle spasms, extreme fatigue, aversion to raw meat, and a lot of “morning” sickness in the first trimester and half of the second trimester, and giving up nicotine and caffeine (in the last trimester I allowed myself small amounts of caffeine), being placed on bed rest.  And yet… I knew.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I had this incredible and profound belief that this was it.  I had a child growing inside of me and he was going to come out strong and healthy.  I was going to be a mother.  Knight and I couldn’t -- wouldn’t -- contain the information and at eight weeks pregnant made the announcement to family and friends.  We were warned of making such an early announcement because it was still so early in the pregnancy… but I knew.  I had such a deep faith and belief that I simply knew.  This wasn’t going to be something I had to heal from, that I was going to grieve over.  This wasn’t a fluke or the doctor wasn’t going to come back saying they were wrong somehow.  From the moment I first saw Love Bug on the sonogram monitor I knew.

I’m sure it sounds silly or unreal, having such a strong conviction of faith to know everything is going to be okay, that I was going against certain odds.  It is what it is…

Because now I get to lay in bed at night and watch him sleep.  Now I hold onto such strong and powerful memories that have already formed in his (almost) three months of life.  I think back to the night in NICU where it was past two in the morning and the overnight nurses let me lightly doze while holding him.  To that first moment where Knight is holding him at my shoulder so I could see him for the first time while still on the operating table.  To how exhausted we were that first day home, taking him to his pediatrician, and somehow, blindly making our way through the day.  To that first smile that wasn’t caused by gas.  To the way he falls asleep on my chest, how much he already trusts.  To the first holidays with him.  To all of those that already love and adore him.  How he snuggles into my warmth and how I can calm and quiet him like no one else.  How much he loves bath time already and how much I’m looking forward to when he can really enjoy baths.  

I’ve embraced and come to terms with my fears… because I am not alone.  Because I am not my mother.  Because I already know how it feels not to take advantage of every or any opportunity.  Because I truly understand now how precious time is and to make the most of what’s given to you.  Because all I have to do is look at my son and I know life has miracles, that pure, unconditional love truly does exist.  Because while Love Bug will reflect mine (and Knight’s) flaws, he will also show our strengths and love.  

No longer do I try to visualize what the future may hold, attempt to predict how patterns will flow, what may or may not happen.  No longer do I shadow myself from life.  

How can I when I’ve been given such a gift?  

Written some years ago but apt for this period in life.

We’ll Be There When it's cold and dark with memories leaving my soul to burn and I've got no where left to turn, will you be there to care? When all my doors have closed, and all my windows of hope locked, with no one here to hear my prayer, will you be there to care?

Becoming so lost in the fray, please help me up, lend me some faith. I've gotta get out of here, all I've been doing is facing the fears. When you're on your own, without a mind to guide, without a heart to own, and you feel you're alone, trust me to be there to care.

“I’m okay.”

It began with a lie.  A few words that normally reassure someone, to signal that is all is well or is at least headed in that direction.  A few words that recognizes the support that’s there and willing, the people standing up to help enforce the truth of those words.  

Except, this time that lie went on for years.  This time that lie resulted in another breakdown and a domino effect of actions, decisions, and thoughts that couldn’t be avoided, swept away, or ignored.  I know how damaging that lie can be -- to yourself and to others -- because I said it for years when I wasn’t.  Except, I altered the situation, knew things had to change, and I found a place where I could become okay.  

I don’t even know what to say, really.  I have to put my son first, above everyone else, and I have to seriously consider what the best decisions are for him in any and every what if situation.  And I can’t force Knight to agree to someone he’s no longer okay with.   It’s also not fair to have guilt thrust upon me because of that decision, because I have to consider what would be the most stable and healthiest environment for my son if something happened to Knight and I and Pirate.   

I love her.  I want her to get better.  I want her to be the strong person I know she can be.  I want her to find healthy coping mechanisms.  I want the next “I’m okay” to be true.  I want her involved with my love bug’s life.  I want her front and center.  I miss her.  I’m angry and hurt.  I’m more worried about Pirate because of how this is effecting him.  I don’t fully understand how the hell we got here.  

My Butterfly is caged right now when she should be flying and dancing through the air.

I wish at any point in the last couple years that she would have been honest with herself and all of us.  It’s something I had to learn… and I thought she had, too.  

She is on such a hard and painful road… but it’s almost as if she never got off it.  Had a detour here and there.  Why?  Why couldn’t she let us in?  Why couldn’t she trust us?  Did we in someway make her feel unsafe?  That she couldn’t talk to us?  Couldn’t let us support her emotionally?  

We should be talking about making plans for sister time, about playing in her little space like we talked about before, like coloring and Disney movies.  About shopping at Torrid (who just started their bra sale) and getting lunch together again.  About finding time for us to just talk and cuddle.  About how well our professional lives are going (something we just mentioned a few weeks ago).  We should be getting excited that the weather (Texas willing) might pave way to weekend walks together with Love Bug (unless Pirate kidnaps him for babysitting).  We should be anywhere than where we are right now…

And I just don’t understand.  What did we miss?  How did we miss it?  What did we do wrong?  

A lot of jumbled thoughts.  I’m tired.  I’m confused.  Hurting.  Sad.  Angry.  And I don’t know what happens next.  I don’t know where any of us go from here.  I don’t know what happens after being hung up on.  

I was tagged by @depraveddaddybeast! ♡

relationship status: Polyamorous with Knight and Pirate. ♡♡

favourite colour: Teal, Purple, Pink

three favourite foods: Chocolate, Tacos, Chai

last song I listened to: Love So Soft by Kelly Clarkson

last movie I watched: The Fate of the Furious

top three  favourite TV shows: Leverage, The Tudors, The Big Bang Theory

top three favourite bands artists: Kelly Clarkson, P!nk, Maroon 5

I let her out for a few moments tonight and it felt...good. Somewhat awkward at the beginning, like seeing a really old friend for the first time after losing touch so long ago, but then... good.

In a few days I’ll be returning to work after starting my maternity leave in mid October.  When I left in October to begin my leave I wasn’t sure at the time if I was going to return to the job -- it’s for a very small property management company which is a huge perk (keeps me away from somewhere filled with people or a constant stream of them) and in general I really enjoyed my work there, felt as if I made valuable contributions, liked my co-workers and boss (even Accountant despite his awkward and sometimes slightly creepy mannerisms), and they had been super supportive and flexible during my pregnancy.  I was worried about pay, though, and the fact that they don’t offer benefits.  It wasn’t just me and Knight anymore, but our Little Prince to consider now, too, and I have to admit I worried if there would still be a job for me after the pregnancy despite what J and H said. Employers have made promises before, most of them broken.  I actually can’t remember a time when a boss made me a promise of something good that actually came true … and that has hurt so much over the years.  I give everything I have inside me to my work and the jobs I’ve had in the past; that’s been proven by accolades I’ve received (employee of the month/quarter, general recognitions) but it’s never translated into raises and promotions or me feeling as if I was genuinely valuable, as if I wasn’t replaceable.  What was going to make this place any different?   Everything has been different about this job, though.  It’s the first start up company I’ve worked for and maybe that’s made the difference?  The two owners are my age and we’ve gotten along fabulously -- they actually listen to my ideas and have acted on them.  Was that it?  This is the job I started the same week I found out I was pregnant and from the start it had shades of perfection -- few people, relaxed environment.  Often I felt as if I shined there and I sincerely enjoyed going to work most days (not every day, of course, no one loves going to work every day).   It wasn’t until my first post-labor meeting with J that my fears were gone and I wasn’t thinking about finding a job with a different company.  J and H didn’t break their promise.  They did more than keep their promise, they severely sweetened the deal for my return, and even thinking about it now makes me want to cry all over again because finally. Finally, I feel so valued and wanted at my job.  An employer is truly investing in me.  They’re encouraging me, supporting me, and helping me truly develop, and they are saying, “Grow with us.  Stay with us and help us grow, reap the benefits with us.”   It’s such an amazing and (a little) overwhelming feeling. I’ll be returning to the company as the office manager (and a bit of the owner’s personal assistant) at a higher rate that’ll be salaried and they’re paying for me to become a licensed real estate agent, which once my licensing is completed I’ll then receive a percentage of the house commissions (sales, leases, and renewals).  And, with my license, I could pick up part time work in doing sales and leasing myself or I could run open houses for us or… anything with real estate.  If, for whatever reason, I had to go elsewhere I can take the licensing with me -- it’s something that opens doors and opportunities not only with my current company but the future, as well. I haven’t felt this excited about my professional future in such a long time.  I once thought being at the insurance company was going to be it, where I put in my thirty or forty years in a corporate environment before retirement, but even then… I wasn’t this excited.  I was excited about the corporate job because it guaranteed security yet that was it as I soon discovered that advancement was a fickle, slippery goal… and, well, what more could you expect when shortly finding out the company was undergoing restructuring every three to six months?   I digress.

Tuesday I return to work and despite how much I am going to miss my Little Prince, how much part of me aches to start being away from him throughout the day, I’m excited going back.