Caffeine and Smoke

I thought I would write a little and provide some useful information about subdrop and aftercare, since I have just had to help a close friend deal with her first experience of subdrop and although she knew what it was, she did not realise that is what she was going through and did not know how to deal with it.

What Is Subdrop?

Subdrop is the emotional and physical symptoms felt by a submissive that is caused by tiring out the body and the release of adrenalin, endorphins, hormones and other chemicals that create a natural high during a scene, leading to a subsequent ‘come down’ afterwards, similar to the effects of illicit drugs.  It can leave a sub feeling exhausted, depressed, sad and very emotional. This can include feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and other negative thoughts, but you should realise that this is simply your body’s natural response to a very intense experience, it is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and you are not to blame.

Subs will often experience subdrop in different ways, some may feel the effects of it more intensely than others and it can last for varying periods of time, anywhere from an hour up to a few weeks afterwards, but it is only temporary and will eventually pass. It is important that you learn to recognise subdrop, because once you understand that you are feeling the effects of it, you can begin to address it and simply knowing why you are feeling that way will also help, especially when it comes to your emotions and feelings. Try to communicate, interact and stay in contact with your Dom or others, who can help you cope with your emotions and how you are feeling, by offering you support and talking you through it.  Following the other advice I have included below will also help you recover from the effects of subdrop.

For the all the Doms, Dommes, Masters and Mistresses out there, this is just as crucial for You, as it is for Your sub. Subdrop is very real and not some myth, so aftercare and helping Your sub deal with the effects of it should be just as important as what You might do during a scene, especially as You are essentially responsible for Your sub feeling the effects of it and caring for Your sub is part of the responsibility that comes with being a Dominant. Aftercare should not be neglected and staying in contact with Your sub, offering them reassurance, validation and support will help during this vulnerable time and they should not have to go through this alone.  Although some subs do prefer time to themselves, You should at least offer and ask what You can do to help, as everyone is different and their needs will vary.

If You do neglect aftercare and ignore subdrop, then the effects can begin to outweigh the benefits and enjoyment that Your sub may feel during a scene with You, which can cause problems for Your relationship with them and even end it. It is also worth pointing out that Dominants and switches can also feel a form of ‘drop’ after a scene, which I won’t address, but You can read more about it in the links I have provided at the end of this article.

So What Is Aftercare?

Aftercare is the name given to the process of being there with a partner for a sufficient amount of time, so they can feel safe, regain their emotional equilibrium and recover from the effects of a scene. It is equally important to recognise that aftercare is for both the Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive. If either person leaves too soon, then their partner may feel abandoned or a loss far exceeding the pleasure they might have felt during the scene.

Aftercare can include practical things such as making sure a sub is physically taken care of, treating any injuries, keeping them warm, allowing them to rest and making sure they have enough to eat or drink. Aftercare should also include attending to the emotional needs of a sub by offering them support, reassurance and validation.  This can include showing them affection by cuddling or holding them, even gentle and loving sex, as well as asking how they are feeling, talking through the scene with them and their experience, answering any questions they might have and giving them a lot of positive reinforcement, such as saying how proud You are of them. This can continue after you have parted ways and for several days afterwards, by staying in contact and checking on their recovery.

Although like subdrop, everyone has a different experience and needs when it comes to aftercare, some for instance may want to be left alone to process this on their own and there is no right or wrong way, it simply involves doing whatever is necessary to help them recover.

How To Cope With Subdrop

A few ways you can help your body recover and deal with the effects of subdrop include:

ACE which stands for aftercare, contact with your Dominant and expression of positive reinforcement by the Dominant.

Drink plenty of water or a sports drink like gatorade, which help replace fluids, salts and potassium in the body that you have lost during a scene.

Eat foods to replenish the nutrients in your body, while you might crave comfort foods and sugary treats, which will not only replace the sugar and energy you have lost, but obviously give you some sense of comfort, the effects will be only temporary and will only leave you craving more, which is not ideal.  Instead try to eat whole grain bread, meat, cheese and vegetables, while avoiding any foods that are white in colour, although milk is also very helpful.

Take some vitamins, especially the B-complex group that include folic acid, vitamin B6 and B12.

Be active and interact with others, even if you do not feel like doing so, as subdrop often leaves a sub feeling ashamed, depressed, isolated, confused and alone, so being by yourself and trying to cope on your own will only make those feelings worse. Even spending time with your pet can be helpful. Most importantly stay in contact with your Dominant and try to talk to them about how you are feeling, so They can help you cope.

Exercise will help release more endorphins, lessening the effects of subdrop, which is partly caused by the release of endorphins during a scene and the subsequent ‘come down’ that occurs afterwards.

Try keeping yourself occupied, with a hobby or other activity which will allow you to clear your head or express your feelings.

Aroma therapy, warm baths, meditation and listening to soothing music is also helpful.

Try to stay warm.

Treat and care for any injuries you might have sustained during the scene, such as scratches, bites, welts or sore bottoms. I am not a doctor and I could not possibly hope to cover every potential scenario in this article, but generally applying basic first aid techniques and vitamin E cream will help your skin recover more quickly.

Rest and get plenty of sleep.

Try to get yourself ready before a scene, by getting plenty of sleep, trying to stay focused and preparing yourself for the experience.

Additional Reading

Take what you need, or fits for you, and leave the rest.

Consent is: permission granted. Agreement. Educated understanding and continuous enthusiastic participation.

Consent is: yes please and thank you. I want this.

Consent is: organic, fluid and subject to change.

Consent can be withdrawn at any point. And if it is, any and all actions must cease with all haste immediately.

*Continuing once consent has been withdrawn is a consent violation*

*Using guilt/pressure/intimidation to attempt to make someone continue doing/allowing something that they no longer wish to is a consent violation*

*Using guilt or any form of manipulation to get someone to do something that they are not 100% sure of is a consent violation*

And the line between decent human being and abusive twatwaffle has been crossed.

Don’t be that fuckwit - if someone says no - in any way shape form size or colour - even if they’d previously said yes, stop whatever the fuck you are doing - no matter what it is immediately and absofuckinglutely do not attempt to force or coerce continuation. Just stop and do what needs done to ensure comfort and safety.

And remember: consent, the withdrawal thereof and how to deal with it applies to every single thing in life, not just fuckery.

TTFN 🐾

Affirmative consent where each human regardless of gender or orientation was required to ASK for what they desire? “Will you please kiss me?” “Will you please finger me?”

Imagine a world where even the vanilla girls had to own their sexuality and not be passive vessels.

Imagine a world where no one ever says “Well, did you say no? Or tell him to stop?”

Imagine a world where everyone’s understanding of consent was a standard definition and @itsshinycollectordestinyworld or @instructor144 never again had to address the issue.

Now let me say something very, very unpopular …

When we co-sign vanilla girl bullshit straight outta Gone with the Wind, we co-sign the very things necessary for “rape culture” and set up our boys for a world of doubt, confusion, and hurt. In short, that kind of thinking creates the needed circumstances for not only rapists to rape, but to be acquitted, if ever reported and prosecuted.

So I ask again …

What if we lived in a world where affirmative consent was THE standard?

Now go and create that world.

Always seek and give affirmative consent.

Tell your friends.

Teach your children.

I want you to remember.

It’s not when we’re impressive. It’s not when we’re obedient. It’s not when you swell with pride. It’s not when we are deliciously dumb. It’s not when you’ve beaten us into sub space. It’s not when you marvel at what you created. It’s not when you’re aroused. It’s not when you’re adoring, loving, giving, possessive, intoxicated, sadistic, generous, satisfied, playful.

Understand. It’s not when you’re happy.

It’s when the furrow in your brow is so deep we can’t possibly understand what we could have done to put such a canyon of disappointment there. It’s when your tone changes, when you clip your words with the same knives that snag our confidence. It’s when your lip curls and we watch your face contort into a bitter discontent that we taste more keenly than you do. It’s when your eyes don’t smile; leaving us clutching for the parts of ourselves you said we didn’t need anymore. It’s when you sigh until we feel too difficult to be loved.

Your encouragement of our idolisation. Your slow replacement of our self affirmation with yours. It has consequences. So own the impact of your disappointment upon the person(s) who pledged their choices, their life and their liberty to you.

Take responsibility for what results from fundamentally changing someone to be hypersensitive to your mood. And then remember what that means all-the-fucking-time. Tattoo it into your thoughts. Hold it at the forefront of your mind when you’re expressing displeasure.

Punishment(s) of some kind might be required, but be considerate of the person you trained to prioritise your happiness.

Worse is a lack of honest communication that leaves you confused and feeling like a defective human being.

Worst is doing your level best, giving your all, pushing beyond a soft limit, and only hearing about what wasn’t good enough and what to do better next time.

The ownership writ large on the skin fades over time. Whatever is writ large on the submissive heart is engraved, seared in like a brand.

And remember, we write our failures on our souls. We see all too clearly our failings.

“To whom much is given, much is expected…”

Dominance as a Craft

Dominance to my way of thinking is not so much an activity to engage in as a craft to be honed. It is something that I study intently, perhaps more so than any other vocation or avocation over the course of my life. I read about Dominance, I observe other Dominants, I practice Dominance, and above all I study the causes and effects of my own actions intently and with great interest, always with an eye toward perfecting my craft. Ultimately to me, part of the beauty and intrigue in Dominance is that perfection is in fact an unattainable goal and therefor just out of reach. It leaves me something always to strive for.

Perfection in any craft is elusive because there is always room for improvement, innovation, and creativity. But in the art of Dominance the variables include among other things two imperfect human beings, a Dominant and a submissive, each with their own biases, fears, limitations, and even psychoses. We are all flawed individuals striving for something grander in our relationships.

Dominants and submissives almost universally seek something more fulfilling, more exciting, more enriching in their relationships with one another. Almost like an addiction, once the thrill and intimacy of D/s has been tasted, a thousand more encounters is never enough. So we delve ever deeper, seeking the thrill of that first emotional and physical high, crafting ourselves and each other along the way into something different, something more.

A submissive in the hands of a caring and competent Dominant is a work of art that is never fully complete. A submissive is a canvas on which a Dominant paints the image of their desires, not just for themselves but for their submissive as well. A Dominant creates a work of art that pleases him, yet in that must also ensure that their submissive is pleased and satisfied by the outcome as well. But that canvas is far from blank when received. There are already colors and brush strokes that have been applied by others and by life, and perhaps even some tears and scars in the canvas itself. A Dominant is never afforded a truly clean slate on which to work, and in that perhaps lies the greatest challenge of the craft. Rather than creating something solely in the image of their desires, the job of a Dominant is to capitalize on the colors already there, navigate the thin spots and tears in the canvas, and use them all to greatest benefit in creating their own work of art; a confident, devoted and self-satisfied submissive.

Ultimately the craft of Dominance is not to create something that we as a Dominant feel is beautiful, we have felt that way all along about our submissive. The goal is to create something that our submissive believes is beautiful. When a submissive can look in the mirror, literally and figuratively, and see themselves as worthy, beautiful, accomplished, successful and desired, then we as Dominants have achieved something great with our craft. The genuine submissive will observe the transformation in themselves and perhaps heap far more credit for the changes on their Dominant than is even warranted or deserved. The more a submissive comes to like who they are and who they are becoming, the more devoted to their Master they become, for they see a linkage between the efforts of the Dominant and the outcome of their personal success and/or satisfaction.

This is the difference between the motivations of Dominance versus domineering. A domineering individual seeks to keep their “partner” down, under their proverbial thumb of control, often out of a fear of being rejected or upstaged. It is negative motivation leading to even more negative outcomes. A Dominant on the other hand seeks to create a work of art from their submissive, striving to elevate them in substance and self-esteem. Far from keeping them down under a controlling thumb, the Dominant strives to give a submissive the tools to be free, the reward being that the submissive, even with the tools of freedom and achievement in hand, chooses to stay in complete devotion. 

That, my friends, is the work of art achieved by the craft of Dominance. The Dominant helps teach the submissive to fly, sets them free, and in the best of all possible outcomes, the submissive returns to their Dominant in utter devotion over and over and over again.

The closest parallel I can think of is observable in the world of falconry where the falconer seeks not only to train and motivate a wild bird of prey to do best what it already does well, but also to do it under the terms and desires of the falconer. The falconer provides ever greater and more challenging opportunities to hunt, setting the bird free always in hopes that it will choose to come back for food, shelter, acceptance and validation. Over time a relationship evolves between falcon and falconer, even a mutual dependence. For the falconer, the rush is not only in the launching, but in the recovery; that moment when he sees this beautiful, wild, and untamable creature turn back in flight with the intent of coming home to roost. That instant when the glorious bird of prey extends its talons, sweeps its wings full spread, and instead of attacking comes to rest on a gloved fist. That is the moment of addictive joy that keeps a falconer engaged in their craft for a lifetime.

So it is with a Dominant and their submissive. A Dominant seeks out the strengths of their submissive and strives to foster and enhance them. At the same time a Dominant seeks out the weaknesses and fears and works to smooth them over, bridge them, and move on. If we do these things well, we grow our very own work of art that, over time, becomes more independent and self-assured. And as that independence grows so too does the thrill when that confident and capable being come back of their own free will to kneel before us in devoted submission. Like the hawk or falcon landing on a gloved hand, the kneeling submissive has made a conscious choice that home is at the feet of their Dominant.

The feeling of pride, humility and joy I experience in that instant of recognition and acknowledgment by my submissive that I am Master by her own choice and free will, is the closest embodiment to perfection that I know in this craft we call Dominance. It is that which I strive for more of every day.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

Originally posted on December 20, 2013

Image © Larry Hoth - Larry Hoth Photography

If you’re new, or just looking to deepen your knowledge, start at the beginning of his blog and read forward. He is well worth the editions to your reference library.

I’m writing this post to those men out there who have women in their lives who have indicated they are submissive and want you to be their Dominant.  What does that mean?  What does she want?  Not every man is a Dom, so how do I know if I am?

Some people will say if you have to ask, the answer is no.  To be a true Dom, it has to be part of your essence.  You can’t fake this or just do it to please her—that is not being Dominant, that is being a service top.  But that doesn’t mean asking the question means you are automatically not a Dominant.  We men have lived our lives indoctrinated in what makes a good man, at least when it comes to women.  Treat them well, be nurturing, they are equals and never, ever hit a woman.  A guy who tells a woman what to do all the time is domineering and obnoxious.  We have images of ourselves as nice guys as society defines it and it is not easy to reconcile the D/s life with what we have been taught from birth.  

But one day your girlfriend/wife indicates she wants something more.  It can be, like it was for me, a comment about how much she liked me holding her hands above her head while I pinned her legs and touched her until she fought to get away but couldn’t move, which led to a conversation about spanking.  If your wife is really brave and knows herself really well she may even write you a letter saying she wants you to spank her and that it’s OK to do so.  

But however much she expresses to you what she wants and likes, there is so much more that she just can’t say.  It’s not about the spanking, it’s about the lifestyle.  About the dynamic.  She wants you to fundamentally change how the two of you interact.  But she can’t say that.  Because as a submissive, the whole point is not to be controlling the situation, not to be dictating what is going to happen.  It HAS to come from you.  And you have to mean it.  

So, in no particular order, this is what she is asking and telling you:

She is feeling anxious, stressed, adrift and empty.  She needs you.  Deep inside her is a hole only you can fill.  She needs you to step up and be the anchor that keeps her grounded and keeps her from being lost at sea.  This isn’t a game, sex play, fun, (although it will include those things).  It isn’t part time or a whim.  She is asking you to be the foundation of her being.  It’s a big ask and a big commitment.  And the rewards for both of you are equal to the responsibilities.

It’s not about the spanking or anything else you do in the bedroom.  You will cause her pain.  Sometimes a lot of pain.  It will excite her.  A lot.  It will excite you too.  At first you will be unsure about that.  What does that mean about you to be physically excited by causing someone you love such pain?  But you learn that it’s not about the pain, it’s about the dynamic.  What she needs is to feel your strength.  Only by knowing how strong you are can she feel safe in your arms,.  Can she know you will protect her.  She needs to feel that strength and domination and you are giving her a gift every time you demonstrate it.

She wants you to control her in some way.  How much depends on the woman, but she wants you to take over the decisions about parts of her life.  She wants to not have to worry about things, to be able to stop thinking, to calm the buzzing in her brain.  Don’t keep asking her what she wants, decide.  You know her well enough to know what she likes and wants.  Also, it can’t always be about what she likes and wants—you are Dom, it has to be about what you like and want too.  Especially physically, she wants to feel you take what you want from her.  

Set Rules and enforce them.  What they are and how many is up to the two of you, but there needs to be rules and you need to be absolute in your enforcement of them.  I don’t care how tired you are, how much fun you’re having, or that she had a bad day and deserves the day off, no.  Unless you approve a change because of a serious issue that requires the change, if a rule is not followed a consequence must happen.  A punishment spanking, orgasm denial, whatever.  It must happen quickly and be strong enough to match the transgression even if she begs, pleads, cries for you to stop or go easy.  She has to not want to make the mistake again.  This is essential.  Even a little bit of weakness in enforcing the rules will destroy her sense of security, well-being, and submission.  

Aftercare is an absolute requirement.  After you have punished, or even just had a rough session of you taking her to difficult places, pushing her boundaries, enforcing the dynamic, you must spend time holding her, caressing her, telling her how much you love her.  These sessions break her down to her essence and she feels exposed, empty.  You need to feed her your strength and show her you accept all those parts of her that scare her.  Once you do, you will help her rebuild and she will be stronger after.  This can take time.  Spend the time and focus on it.

Controlling her does not mean you will lose that witty repartee and funny, sassy woman you fell in love with.  She will be her usual strong self in all of her life except in the particular areas you have set boundaries.  When I wrote my acceptance letter to my submissive I likened it to a painting we were creating.  I was setting clear and defined outlines for us, so that she was free to be as creative as she wanted to within those lines.  By feeling secure in the knowledge of where the edges were, she felt even more free within them.

She will test you.  She needs to know those boundaries are secure.  Otherwise she will feel insecure.  So she will occasionally push and test to see if you are still watching the walls.  Be strong and show her you are and she will be the happier for it.

Being a Dom does not mean you are not being nurturing.  On the contrary, she has given her mind, heart, and body to you so you are now responsible for her and her well being.  You must care and cherish her, tend to her when she needs help, protect her, she is yours and she is precious.  Once you have opened this connection, you will be closer than you thought possible.  The intensity of your love and passion will surprise you.  

If you can do these things, and really mean it, feel it, then you are a Dom and you will make your girlfriend/wife very happy.