当局者迷 旁观者清

i did the thing you’re not supposed to do and i will probably be paying for it with my life (not literally)

as if i hadn’t made it difficult enough for myself as it is, i just had to go ahead and do this 

really fucking tragic

might take up writing as more than a hobby, because this shit would make one good story, let me tell you

i wish i had followed my interests when i was a child. i wish my teachers had understood my situation and reached out. i wish my attempt at reaching out myself had gone through. i wish life interested me more than it does. i wish so many things, but i will at least take action on some of them and learn that missed oppurtunities bring new ones too. mouring what was is okay as long as one does forget that it can happen again if one doesn’t watch out.

i’ve always isolated myself. i’ve always felt misunderstood or wrong. i’ve always felt like me being present in a group brings the mood and the whole group down. i’ve always been nothing but a burden in my own eyes, but i’m also the only one carrying this “burden”, so i’ll also be the only one proving the “burden” that it has worth and that even situations like this can turn around. i’ll live again. i’ll be okay again, i’ll be me in a good way again. 

i’ll do it for me and, by extension, for everyone assosiated with me. I need more peace than i’ve been giving myself. i’m such a lonely person and my heart has been bleeding for years. some people find the blood fascinating, but it gives me hope and then people just rip another part of me out when i try to reach out with hands covered in blood. I let go of my small, frail heart for a second and people make a grab for it, ripping into the soft tissue and destroying it further, leaving me on my knees and crying about how much it hurts. i haven’t been whole since i was a child, people started ripping me appart then and they’ve never stopped since.

But it’s okay, because although everything inside me is like a quilt with all kinds of ragged pieces, I’ve learnt how to sow, i’ve learnt which pieces to reach for in which situation. I know me. I know how to lift myself up. I’ll always not be enough, I’ll always be weird, i’ll always get those stares from people, but I’ll also always be me and no-one else and I think I can learn to be content with that. 

I’ve always wanted to be understood. I’ve always wanted to be wanted and to know for sure that people don’t actually see me the way I think they do. I’ve always wanted to feel safe again, but I probably will always feel like I’m in danger and even so, I’ll be okay. I will just learn how to make myself feel safe, to feel less dread about being misunderstood and to know that with me here i’m never fully lonely. i can hold my own hand too and it can be enough. 

I’ve also always wanted to understand others and I always end up copying people I like because that’s the easiest way to learn who they are, it makes me feel close to them, but i know people sometime feel put off by me doing so and that always makes me sad, because it further’s the theory that i’m actually very weird and i do things the wrong way. However I’ve learnt to reign it in slowly and those that stick around after I’ve finished my copying phase is people who can accept me and probably people who’d like to stick around for a longer time.