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Hey, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Let's take some photos to remind us of our first date. First date? Why? It's nothing. It's just that you said, "First date".

With the conclusion of Episode 6 and Ticket to Heaven as a whole, it's clear now that Director Aof's vision for the series was rather different from what a lot of us (myself included) had been hoping for based on the pre-production trailer originally released in 2024.

We've kind of known for some time that TTH would not (indeed, could not) have been casting the Church in the role of the villain, and the gentle six-episode arc confirms this. Given its light touch, TTH does appear to have come off rather more toothless than the more activist-minded of us would have liked.

But it's selfish for us to project our expectations onto any artist's creation and demand that they be catered to; if it falls short of what we'd been hoping for, we have the right not to engage. In the final tally, Director Aof did not make it Ticket to Heaven's mission to confront the Church's tougher anti-LGBTQ+ teachings. Instead, TTH focused its attention on the experiences of queer believers, personified by Barth and Tanrak, and told the story of how the Catholic faith and the lives of LGBTQ+ members can nonetheless still intertwine. And I think Ticket to Heaven's telling of its own story, in respectful, measured tones, is still worthy of esteem.

Remembering that Barth and Tanrak were both portrayed as lost sheep from the time of Episode 4 – what Ticket to Heaven very emphatically did not show us was the two of them actively cast out from the Church, by the Church. Both chose to remove themselves instead and wander away from the flock.

And what Ticket to Heaven Episode 6 set out to do was allow us to live Barth and Tanrak's contrasting experiences as Catholic queers who departed the Church, and how they made their way back to God.

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MEETING THE IN-LAWS Episode 6 started off as sort of an extension to Episode 3. Barth and Tanrak had actually been through an engagement and mock-wedding of sorts in Ep.3 (see this write-up here for more explanation on that). What we see in Episode 6 is a bit of a follow-up, and it represents the start of their (kind of) married life – Barth and Tanrak embarking on their future together as a couple (although the narrative did try to hoodwink us a bit with a will-they-won't-they-stay-together tease; enough already Director Aof! 🤣).

Now one key aspect of traditional Thai weddings (actually just about every wedding tradition I can think of, really) is the customary parental blessing as the new couple embarks on their shared life together. Since Barth and Tanrak are a queer couple with a Catholic background (and Tanrak's an orphan), the narrative certainly couldn't have shown this to us diegetically – but it absolutely does so symbolically.

For Tanrak we had Auntie Lek, a contemporary of Tanrak's dad, standing in for his parents:

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [1‌/4] 11.43 – Auntie Lek appears to Tanrak and Barth outside the gates of the cemetery

Na Lek's appearance is a bit deus ex machina but she fulfills a very important function for the narrative, standing in as a parental figure for orphan Tanrak, in a parallel to Barth and his mom.

Offering kindly heartfelt advice, she symbolically blesses their couplehood by gifting Tanrak with his dad's Bible at Ep.6 [2/4] 3.53. (The Bible also appears in the epilogue – Tanrak is reading it when Barth returns home at Ep.6 [4/4] 12.36, and it's also placed right next to their wedding photo on the bedside table at Ep.6 [4/4] 18.21).

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [2/4] 3.53 – Auntie Lek passes Tanrak his father's Bible

(above, left) Tanrak reads his dad's Bible at Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [4/4] 12.35; (above, right) The Bible on the bedside table next to a framed photo of Barth and Tanrak flashing their wedding rings, at Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [4/4] 18.21

Our boys also visit the graves of Tanrak's parents, where Barth helps Tanrak clear the tombs of debris – this is a respectful, household-intimate responsibility usually reserved for immediate family members, and this act of service (even if the boys may not be aware of the significance) clearly telegraphs the understanding that Barth now belongs in the family fold as Tanrak's spouse (which a smiling Auntie Lek picks up on, of course).

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [2/4] 3.18 – Auntie Lek smiles gently in the background as she watches Barth help Tanrak clean the concrete of his parents' graves

Barth also makes a promise to Tanrak's parents there, seemingly in jest but also sounding very much like the declamatory vows a groom makes to his future in-laws, that he will take care of his life partner the way they took care of him as their son:

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [2/4] 2.30 – Barth addresses Tanrak's (deceased) parents, saying: "Ahem. Tanrak’s mom and dad, you don’t have to worry from now on. I’ll take care of Tanrak."

Barth then takes Tanrak to see his mom, and this parallel scene also references the transition that a child goes through from parental care to independence as a married spouse, with Busaya ultimately giving motherly blessing to their union. 💖

It starts out with Busaya worrying about Barth's health and referencing maternal care ("Then rinse your nose with saline. Remember how I taught you?" But soon enough, at Ep.6 [2/4] 10.27 Barth also says: "I'm grown-up now."

Busaya also tells Tanrak to the honorific "Mom" (แม่/mae) instead of addressing her as "Barth's mom" (which is another indication that he's been received into the family, elevated to the level of Barth's spouse). 💖

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [2/4] 9.09 – Busaya in prison beams at Tanrak with a welcoming smile and tells him to just call her "Mom" after he first addressed her as "Barth's mom"

Busaya then beseeches Tanrak: "Please look after him for me" at Ep.6 [2/4] 9.29. And it's impossible to miss how this heartfelt request aptly captions the transition of a child moving from parental guardianship into the support system of marriage. [Another reading (given the Catholic DNA of the series) is that Na Lek and Busaya are also Marian figures blessing Barth and Tanrak as they begin matrimonial life together. Our two Catholic boys still cannot get married in church – I can't help thinking Director Aof has inserted this metaphorical reference as a little nod to Mother Mary, that she might intercede on our boys' behalf (and for others like them too). 💖]

And after their parents (symbolic or otherwise) have given them away to each other, what we see next is the couple leaving on their honeymoon…

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WEDDING NIGHT JITTERS This is when Director Aof gets to put in his obligatory cameo, playing an unrefined working Joe from the street who points young Barth and Tanrakef toward a Pleasure Paradise on the wrong side of town.

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [2/4] 20.26 – Director Aof cameos as a rough-around-the-edges bus ticket vendor, taking a deep pull on his ya dom inhaler while saying "But the vibe's a little weird"; similar to a lot of his other cameos he's providing guidance and advice, but for once it's pointing to a less salubrious destination

I'm not fully sure what to make of Director Aof's cameo in Ticket to Heaven, but he does appear to be having more fun with it than usual. I'm guessing again, but maybe our resident in-house elder queer is messaging a word of caution?

When leaving coddled, cloistered environs (as Barth and Tanrak did, leaving St. Magdalene's) it can be bewildering, and more than that also intoxicating, to find yourself surrounded by the tawdrier and suddenly freely-available pleasures on the seamier side of life. But this is perhaps also a little reminder that when the reins are loosened, pleasures of the flesh (as with anything else) are to be enjoyed responsibly…

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [3‌/4] 0.55 – Barth and Tanrak explore earthly delights in the Paradise Love Motel

Barth and Tanrak's overnighter in a Paradise of a very different kind is also a parallel I think for the awkward nuptial night of many a Catholic couple, especially if they'd been holding back before (as we saw Tanrak doing). First-time honeymoon sex can be wild, dirty, uncomfortable, foreign, clumsy, weird, all those things that romance novels never teach you or tell you, and the garish stylings of the Paradise Love Motel certainly go some way as a metaphor for all the erotic clumsiness that first-timers experience. And it's up to every couple, Catholic, queer or otherwise, to decide what works for them in the bedroom. If you don't like it, there's other things to try (and I'm not just referring to cigarettes – though yeah, don't smoke if you've not started).

Now typically Director Aof's cameos have always had some kind of activist, instructional messaging purporting to offer queer wisdom from an elder of sorts – in Bad Buddy he was a pharmacist delivering healing to young queers torn apart by strife, in Our Skyy he was a wise passerby giving directions to a lost gay couple, in My School President he was a respected tutor imparting lessons to the younger set…

The exceptions (that I can think of) are Moonlight Chicken (where he was announcing his shift from BL creative to a different, more managerial role) and Last Twilight (where he was telling us the shaky ending wasn't his idea). More info at this post linked here.

Director Aof's cameo in TTH is a bit of a departure, and it got me thinking – in a series with rather heavier themes, obviously close to his heart, why did he forego the opportunity to cast himself in the role of the wise elder pointing the way, as he's done so many times before? And I think this is the reason: he didn't need to – the role of the wise elder in Ticket to Heaven was already amply served by the characters Father Arnon, Auntie Lek and Busaya (as well as Brother Joe and Master Phak, to a certain extent). So Director Aof cast himself in the role of a Loki-esque mischief maker instead, helping to round out Barth and Tanrak's experience of the wider world at large, not just focusing on the more cerebral issues of what it means to be queer in a straight world, but also looking at what it means to be queer in your own life. 🤔

Anyway, when Director Aof ceded the role of the wise elder providing counsel and guidance to Auntie Lek and Busaya, structurally there were some rather important things going on. This aligned rather cleverly with one of Ticket to Heaven's underlying themes – of generational renewal and healing (also explored – perhaps a bit more overtly – in Bad Buddy for sure, and doubtless in other predecessors too that I would prefer to leave for others to expound upon 👍).

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GENERATIONAL RENEWAL AND RECEIVED WISDOM  With the benefit of hindsight, I think a lot of Ticket to Heaven's constant messaging about baptism and new beginnings (all that water! – see this post for more elaboration) really gains significance when viewed in the light of Episode 6. There are a number of examples of generational renewal, of the passing of the baton from one generation to another:

There's also Kongdech's ordination –  the kid from episodes past is now Father Kongdech;

We have Cherry and her family, including her daughter, witnessing Kongdech's ordination;

And most importantly of course we have Auntie Lek blessing Tanrak with his Dad's Bible, and Busaya giving Barth away to Tanrak – the parental generation giving the younger generation away to their spouses is one reading of the symbolism, but this is also TTH emphasizing the start of a new life for the next generation, separate from the controls of the previous generation, and with the gift of independence comes also the freedom to decide for themselves what is right for themselves.

Any religion, and Christianity is no exception, relies on a constant influx of believers to keep it going. And Catholicism (in my opinion), relies more heavily on generational renewal from within compared to newer Protestant denominations, which get to increase their numbers exponentially through enthusiastic proselytization and conversions. (It must also be said that the older, more traditional Protestant churches are probably more aligned with the Catholics on this dimension.)

Anyway, I think TTH is saying that even though Catholicism is a religion that is heavily book-bound (with reams of received wisdom regulating the belief system), nonetheless each successive generation of Catholics still has the power to bring about change from within, if that change is accompanied by faith and respect, motivated with the guidance of rational reasoning and with love at its heart.

This was foreshadowed in Episode 2 with computer-savvy Barth helping out the digitally-naïve Kruu at her desktop (see this write-up linked here for more info) – it is not a coincidence that we see a member of the older generation, more used to books than computers, struggling to cope with new ways of assessment and evaluation (she was trying to submit the boys' projects, after all). I do think this is a comment on how the practice of Christianity (guided by the Ultimate Book) also needs to change with each generational renewal, or risk becoming obsolete – Kruu says after all (at Ep.2 [3‌/4] 1.56) "If your files disappear, I'm dead. Totally dead."

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LOVE AND HEALING  Remembering the verse from First Corinthians Chapter 13 on faith, hope and love that takes centerstage in this episode, I think both Barth and Tanrak started out Episode 6 with hope (in the Church) abandoned and faith shaken – Barth had been that way since Ep.1 I do think, and Tanrak journeyed to that point over the five previous episodes as well.

From Ep.4, we learnt that Barth had lost all hope and faith in the Church when his prayers for family peace (in a household torn apart by his father's violence) went unanswered.

Tanrak, on the other hand, had a longer trajectory – unable to reconcile his queer and Catholic identities, he lost hope that the Church still had a place for him because he chose to put his own needs above the needs of others. He gives voice to this most clearly in the two separate confession scenes with Father Arnon, one in Ep.5 and one in Ep.6:

(top) Ticket to Heaven Ep.5 [4/4] 10.12 – Tanrak tells Father Arnon during confession: "I'm scared God will reject me"; (bottom) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [3‌‌/4] 15.52 – in a parallel, Tanrak tells Father Arnon during confession almost 20 years later: "I'm scared I won't go to heaven."

(top) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [3‌/4] 15.24 – Father Arnon listens thoughtfully as Tanrak confesses, "I betrayed everyone who trusted me"; (bottom) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [3‌/4] 15.33 – Tanrak adds: "Everyone who gave me a chance."

And their stories I think are meant to be parables illuminating the experience of some queer Catholics, tackling two possible ways that queer believers find themselves driven from the Church:

There are those who leave because they feel that their unconventional love marks them as unworthy, like Tanrak; and

Those who leave because they are disillusioned, feeling that they have been let down by the Church and/or God, like Barth.

But greater than hope and faith is love, and what's interesting in Ticket to Heaven is that the narrative has taken some pains to show us that Barth and Tanrak each expresses love differently – and I'm not referring to the romantic love between them, but rather the very human capacity of giving and receiving love in relation to the people around them.

Building on the characterizations we've been shown over the five previous episodes, this is what I think TTH is saying with regard to the above:

Tanrak's love for those around him is unconditional and a given – throughout the series (up until Ep.5) we see him dedicating himself in preparation for the priesthood, that he might exercise love in action, ministering to others. He mentions this at Ep.4 [2/4] 5.43 "Well, I’ve always pictured myself that way. A priest’s robe. The altar. And me standing there preaching. That’s the picture I see most often." This is reinforced at Ep.5 [3‌/4] 4.26, when we see Tanrak ministering to underprivileged kids while his voiceover echoes his dreams of service. But what Tanrak didn't do so well is remember to direct some love for himself  as well, always hating on his true queer identity, fearful of condemnation should he express queer love, always believing he was somehow less than worthy, and undeserving of his Catholic faith. His lack of self-love was pointed out by both Auntie Lek and Father Arnon in Episode 6 (e.g., at Ep.6 [2/4] 4.26 "You can love God and love yourself at the same time" and at Ep.6 [4/4] 8.29 "Love yourself more"), and Tanrak's journey in TTH, resolved in Episode 6, was learning how to deal with this lack of self-love, self-worth and self-respect.

I think Barth, on the other hand, started out TTH as almost the opposite of Tanrak – he was living for himself, casting off his Catholic identity without hesitation, and refusing the accoutrements of the Church (see this post linked here). Barth no longer loved God – and as love for God is expressed in love for those around us, Barth's characterization is marked by a voluntary absence of service to others in the name of the Church, which is the demonstration of Godly love. (This is perhaps illustrated most clearly by the boys' visit to the Shine of Grace Foundation, starting at Ep.5 [3‌/4] 2.14 – the difference between Barth's engagement with the underprivileged kids and the others' is stark.) When it came to loving those around him, Barth's love was selective, conditional and revolving around his own needs – he loved Tanrak and his mom, and he wanted (needed?) their love in return. We did not see him as quite as attentive or loving with others though. It's not hard to see this as a defensive shell – Barth had been so deeply hurt by his home life and his violent father that it would seem he only bared his heart to those whom he believed would not break it.

Now this being a six-episode drama, the characterizations have not been flat and unchanging since the very start. I think Tanrak started out the series fully denying his authentic self, and we saw him (with Barth's loving influence) loosening that rigidity as the series progressed, allowing himself to live for himself more and more, instead of only for others. But he kept a core of that fear and self-hate within him nonetheless, as he revealed in his Ep.6 confession with Father Arnon.

Likewise, we saw Barth in Ep.1 all spiky and rebellious, but with Tanrak's influence (also the counsel of Father Arnon and Master Phak, and the kindliness of his classmates) I do think his hard shell softened. He may have needed some cajoling to help Kruu Ying (is that her name?) with her computer, but once on board he continued helping her (see Ep.3 [3‌/4] 11.03), showing that Barth isn't a fundamentally a meanie – he's basically good at heart. I think Barth learnt to withdraw into himself from the violence of his home life and after his expulsion from his previous school, when he really must have felt that God had abandoned him.

Ticket to Heaven established these two characterizations over the first five episodes, and ultimately both differing approaches to love (Tanrak's lack of self-love, and Barth's refusal to love God) led to them abandoning their respective Catholic paths and run away.

And what Episode 6 did was to show us how their relationship with the church was healed, and how both of them found their way back to faith again – ultimately with some intercessory assistance from the two maternal, Marian figures as personified by Auntie Lek (for Tanrak) and Busaya (for Barth).

It was Auntie Lek's gentle yet powerful example as a proud transgender woman that had a profound effect on Tanrak. An unconventional believer for sure, she was as confident of her authentic trans self as she was grounded in her Catholic faith (staunchly believing that God's infinite love would always be there for her, still His child, whatever her gender).

Auntie Lek isn't living the high life – it looks like she's working two jobs to make ends meet (as custodian of the Catholic cemetery, because we see her locking up the gates at Ep.6 [1‌/4] 11.15, and also there's the sign advertising her laundry service at Ep.6 [1‌/4] 12.32):

(top) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [1‌/4] 11.16 – Auntie Lek locking up the gate to the St. Pedro Church Cemetery just as Barth and Tanrak arrive too late to pay their respects at the graves of the latter's parents; (bottom) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [1‌/4] 12.32 – the sign outside Auntie Lek's house, advertising her laundry service

Auntie Lek's home doubles as her (second) workspace, and it is a modest, cluttered affair:

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [1‌/4] 12.43 – Tanrak and Barth enter Auntie Lek's home; she says openly "The house is a little messy" but she's more than happy to share it with guests (and this parallels how her trans life might not be a textbook Catholic believer's, but at the same time she's not going to hide it or lie about it)

And yet we see her serene and happy, openly living her authentic life as the woman she always knew she had to be. This is perhaps the most powerful lesson for Tanrak here – before loving others, you have to love yourself first (or else the vehicle for all that outward-focused love is going to sputter inwardly, as it did for Tanrak).

Auntie Lek's gift of insightfulness also permitted her to identify almost straightaway Tanrak's lack of self-love, so prodigious it was maybe even bordering on self-hate:

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [1‌/4] 19.41 – Auntie Lek counsels Tanrak, saying: "But I've never hated myself."

Despite her faithful religious grounding, she who was so far removed from the model of a Catholic woman still refused to hate herself for all that she was not, and chose to love herself for all that she was instead – a shining example for Tanrak, who had allowed himself to be engulfed in quite the opposite frame of mind.

I don't think Tanrak's encounter with Auntie Lek fully resolved the conflict in his heart (he still had nagging questions that were only put to rest at his confession with Father Arnon, on the day of Kongdech's ordination), but it planted the seeds of hope that he too might be worthy of love despite his queer identity, and I think it may have been one of the main reasons that convinced him to give couplehood with Barth a shot (remembering that he was still thinking about going back at Ep.6 [2/4] 19.08, when he said, " I grew up at Magdalene House. If I had to choose another path, I don’t think I’d know how").

Switching over to Barth, I think that there was a parallel situation happening with Busaya. Trapped by circumstances beyond her control, suffering in prison for the crime of saving her son from being beaten to death by his violent father – you'd think the experience would have left her hardened and embittered. But what we all saw – and especially what Barth saw – was Busaya focusing her love and attention on her beloved Barth instead. Despite the tragedy of her own personal situation, he was still her light and her life, and I think probably her main reason for living. Despite all her own personal calamity and her separation from the world outside, her love for Barth still remained unconditional, unwavering and undimmed, and I think Barth realized the parallel with God's love – you may remove yourself from God, but it does not mean He's stopped loving you (calling back to the inscription on the cross that Tanrak found in Barth's family home – "Beloved"; he may have cast it off himself, but it doesn't change the fact that he's beloved still).

And I think that it is because of this demonstration of Busaya's selfless, unstinting love that Barth is moved to restore his relationship with God via prayer immediately after, when he had so obstinately, steadfastly refused communication with God before.

I think Barth also realizes that it's Busaya's love for him (and not just his love for her) that helps keeps her going – that in life you have live not only for yourself, but for others as well. This is the opposite lesson for Tanrak, who lived his life for others, and had to learn to live his life for himself too – and this structural symmetry in the storytelling, so evident over the first five episodes, really comes to the fore in Episode 6. 💖

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EPILOGUE  So at the end of the series, TTH closed things off with a peek at Barth and Tanrak's settled life as a couple, both with their hearts healed, lives filled with hope and faith restored.

(above) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [4/4] 18.20 – Tanrak and Barth share a moment of quiet affection at the end of a workday

The epilogue was more overt about Tanrak's healing, with him confidently declaring himself beloved by both God and Barth (no doubts about worthiness there). Barth's reconciliation with God was a little less vividly painted, but he gives voice to it by saying at Ep.6 [4/4] 14.53: " You know, I used to think God probably didn’t love me much", anchoring that sentiment in the past – Barth, always a little perverse I think, is actually saying he now believes God does love him after all (which Tanrak picks up on, and agrees with by saying: "But He sent you to meet me").

This scene of domestic bliss may be charming (I certainly found it so), but the more cynical part of me thinks it was also tacked on via decree from the higher-ups at GMMTV – we saw similar couple-only lovey-dovey private-moment epilogues in Bad Buddy, Moonlight Chicken, Last Twilight and (a particularly execrable version) in My Golden Blood.

It's very much part of the GMMTV BL formula and I'm not enamored of it, but done well (as it is here) it rounds things off on a satisfying, Happily-Ever-After note that should please the die-hard romantics. Done badly, and it can undo whatever solid romantic drama came before (I maintain that MGB was actually a pretty good BL series, somewhat middling in parts but overall entertaining – until the epilogue, which quite ruined it for me). Anyway, Ticket to Heaven uses its epilogue to bookend the series quite nicely – it started with the radio announcement of marriage equality, and our final parting shots show us Barth and Tanrak nicely settled into marital bliss, with photos of their (official) marriage to seal the deal. 💖

Ultimately Ticket to Heaven wasn't anything at all like the hard-hitting fire-and-brimstone scorcher some of us were hoping for, but instead it served up a more heartfelt, personal offering told from the point of view of two young queers growing into their authenticity within a milieu deeply-suffused with a Catholic sensibility. Not breaking huge amounts of new ground, it was honest but not raw – I fell in love with it anyway, and am grateful for the gift of its kindness.

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P.S.

Only just noticed this, and I can't imagine it's not intentional – but there's a sweet, romantic callback right at the end of the show.

Barth's gift of little daisies to Tanrak at Ep.4 [1‌/4] 8.46 got a call-out in their epilogue at Ep.6 [4/4] 12.45:

(top) Ticket to Heaven Ep.4 [1‌‌/4] 8.49 – Tanrak's fingers alight on the miniature daisies that Barth had slipped quietly into his pocket; (bottom) Ticket to Heaven Ep.6 [4/4] 12.45 – in the center of the room between Tanrak and Barth is a vase overflowing with large, full-flowering daisies, a stark contrast to the tiny blooms of Episode 4

‌Except that here in 2025, they no longer have to make do with teeny florals, surreptitiously tucked away, and it's a nice little touch echoing how Barth and Tanrak's life together, no longer denied the right of marriage, has blossomed into a fullness they could only have dreamed about as teens way back in 1996. 💖

THE GAANG

(and no longer are they those little kids...)

Avatar: Aang, the Last Airbender

→ please don't use, download, or screenshot my gifs without permission or credit! these are specially made and took time to create, so please ask first!

Honestly, Mum. I have no problem at all with him being deaf. He understands everything just like everyone else. Did you learn sign language? You seem good at it. I just started. I still make mistakes when I use it. We mostly talk through written messages. Nothing is too difficult, Mum. I love it when I’m with him.

(Author: koldan) (App: Telegram)

I think one important thing that was lost in translation was that in his final confession tanrak never apologized for sinning, as the subs erroneously depict, but rather for having wronged those who were closest to him. I think it's also very abundantly clear that the church and its clergy never explicitly accept his relationship with barth—they always skirt around the subject, and there's a reason that auntie lek states that she had to leave*; father arnon doesn't punish but looks away, and that in of itself is admittance to not even tolerance. they for sure weren't able to get married through the church.

the final hug also reads like a farewell, but one in which tanrak has finally reconciled something that has personally haunted him for decades: his guilt for leaving loved ones behind, and his fear that he wouldn't see his parents in heaven. father arnon specifically tells tanrak that he does not need to be ordained to keep God in his heart; the "you need to forgive yourself" reads to be for not choosing the path that tanrak thought he had to take to remain in God's love, because that isn't the only way, even by catholic standards.

tth is about tanrak's (as well as barth's) internal struggles more than anything, and they have freed themselves from that emotional turmoil. faith is more than just organized institutions.