Craig's Writing His Own Damn Blog

In my hometown paper today, the longtime sports columnist handed over his space to a 16-year-old with dreams of becoming a sportswriter. Since he was writing about the Cincinnati Reds, of course I read it. Since he’s a young man, his skill wasn’t polished.

I don’t bring this up to slam him: I have a lot of respect for his ambition and bravery. Those are two important things for anyone who wants to write.

It reminded me of a common problem I see on the sties of early-stage startups - overwriting. 

As I say in my book, being a writer is a lot like being an actor. It stands to reason that overwriting is just as likely a problem as overacting. Especially in writers who don’t have a lot of experience.

The symptoms of overwriting are:

overuse of similes - I’ve seen up to a simile per sentence

setting up precious little bon mots with each paragraph

trying to convince your reader that your product is more important than it is (not that it’s not a worthwhile product, but that it’s the most important product in the history of commerce)

not letting the information speak for itself

An overwriter is someone who wants you to know that a writer is at work. An overwriter puts him or herself above the needs of the audience, who just want to know more about a product.

After I wrote about Dolly’s website copy a few weeks ago, I got a note on twitter from one of their founders.

@C_Dubs1 you've piqued my interest... let's hear round 2: http://t.co/8VlgJpl1k0

— Chad Wittman (@ChadWittman)

January 15, 2015

I was amazed they’d seen the post, and happy that he didn’t want to rip me a new one.

And when I checked out Dolly's updated site, I was happy to see the copy has improved as well. Gone is the “Deep Thoughts” vibe of their original headline.

I love this new headline. It tells me everything I need to know about what they offer, and it tells me so much about what to expect working with them. I haven’t used the service, so I can’t say this for sure, but the tone here tells me that the experience will be friendly, trustworthy, and relaxed, without a lot of hoops to jump through.

Their list of possible uses for their service has improved as well. Along with an animation overlay of a map of Chicago, “Apartment Move,” “Craigslist Purchase,” and “Store Delivery” now feels intuitive and extremely local.

Typo is the somewhat unfortunate name of a keyboard accessory that attaches to your smartphone. Partially known because RyanSeacrest is a founder, Typo has been in the news lately because he was making the rounds at CES.

The startup’s website features a scrolling carousel of images and headlines on its homepage. There are four headlines, and I thought that the range in quality of the headlines was interesting.

 Let’s start with the headline in the first spot in the carousel. This is obviously the most important headline to get right and serve as an introduction to any visitor to the site. This headline needs to get across why someone should care.

 I like how it’s simple, I like how it plays on the dual meaning of the word “key.” I wish that it didn’t feel so flat, though. I think if it was tweaked slightly – “Discover the keys to better typing.” – it would be much more interesting and be more inviting to the user. 

 The second headline is also short and to the point, which in this case is a bad thing. Based on the image, I’m assuming this is referring to a keyboard for tablets, a forthcoming product. The headline doesn’t mention that, though. It just refers to “typing.” Which, lets be honest, is essential to a lot of different gadgets, not simply the ones that Typo creates products for. 

Say what you will about this third headline and the stunning image that goes along with it, I actually like what it says. It seems like the right level of detail for a third headline in a rotating carousel, giving you some information about the product details.

But do you notice anything different with it compared to the other two headlines we’ve looked at?

Initial caps. The first two headlines capitalize every important word. This one and the headline that follows don’t. Brands should establish a style and follow it consistently, even something as seemingly insignificant as this.

And when your headline is describing how your product is made for professionals, you should probably make sure it is also reflecting that professionalism. It’s a small mistake, but one that should be fixed because it’s sending a bad message.

Finally, I don’t know what to say about this last headline. It is telling me that Typo is a “go-to” mobile device – I expect them to back that claim with some sort of fact telling me it is the most-sold, most-loved, most-something mobile device. As far as I can tell, beyond some testimonials from Arianna Huffington and another CEO, there’s nothing to back it up. It stinks of overselling.

And with “go-to,” “mobile,” and “on the go” all in the same headline, it just feels very redundant.

Strings is a text/SMS app for iOs that lets users take back texts they send. Of course, everyone is focusing on how this could help with all of those late-night booty-texts that you regret the next morning. Hopefully for the app's creators, there is a larger audience for this than that portion of the population known for their questionable sexting protocols. But for all I know, that group could be all the target audience they need.

My first impression of their landing page is that it's simple and easy to understand. But then the writer goes and violates a cardinal copywriting rule by using an adjective to sell me on the idea of the app. In the first sentence.

I find the "Introducing..." headline fine if not flat-footed, but the first line of body copy seemingly tries to make up for this bland start by overselling their idea. Don't tell me your app is "refreshing." Show me what your app does and I'll come to understand that it is refreshing on its own.

Perhaps if the headline was more dynamic, the copywriter wouldn't have felt the need to insert more energy into the body copy. As it is, I would have much rather it said: "Share what you want with who you want (and take it back if you want)." There's more rhythm and alliteration in that shortened sentence, as well. 

The rest of the copy on the site similarly goes back and forth between clear description and needless confusion. The worst offense in my mind is a chunk of copy that seems to lay out the app's reason for being: 

There's just something about this description that rings untrue to me. Partly because I don't know what it is trying to tell me. 

Dolly (getdolly.com) is a Chicago-based start-up that wants to be the "Uber of movers." (Hey, that rhymes.) Recently announcing a new round of funding, Dolly looks like it has a bright future as it seeks to expand its services beyond the Windy City.

Their website is clean and iconic, making it easy to get a sense of what they service offers and why you would need it. I appreciate the visual simplicity, but the copy doesn't quite match up with it.

Let's start with the headline. "Get your stuff where it needs to go." feels like it's trying to be profound, but is lacking a reason to be profound. What exactly does it mean when it says "needs to go?" I feel like that's a philosophical question.  

I like the three icons giving you an idea of what you'd use the service for, but they don't land neatly. By that I mean, it takes me a second to realize why they're there. Honestly, I thought the first icon was going to redirect me to Craigslist to start shopping for large pieces of furniture.

The order seems wrong, too. I'd think you'd want to start with apartment moving.