there was a post recently about an awesome male relationship is like a mid female friendship. it’s so true he was my best friend but that it echoed something more immature. Like really my best friend in high school. we hung out every weekend, we’d gush over our interests and take turns sharing our problems and if asked we’d both say we’d die for each other; at the same time she constantly put me down, physically and mentally, told our mutual friend that I lied about my CSA experiences and overall took advantage of my trust.

It took me a really long time to put together how manipulative he was! he would spin my discomfort as a shortcoming/flaw and would generally be defensive over any push back about Anything. It was really hard to write his birthday cards despite being a “happy “ relationship. I found my self perceiving him in a fish eye lens with his good qualities magnified and his bad qualities squished towards the edges of my vision. omg im actually. Like focusing on whole Point or whatever, I learned so Much about the person I want to be through him. very grateful. yes I’m being selfish lol im so happy that it happened despite him being resentful, fake and spiteful at the very end. his rebuttal to every push back was that i just don’t understand him as well as he thought I did. Like my unwillingness to lean into his bullshit meant I was just not seeing him clear enough and that was so saddening for him.

uuiooihhhhhh i rlly Thot I knew this guy holy fuck.

anyway i feel anxious about apartment stuff and the overall transition period… but as a Pisces it’s also exciting to have a new start again, to romanticize the what ifs and chase my little whims and wants… physically i feel like I have more room in my body if that makes sense. The building sense of dread and base anxiety has in fact subsided.