Reviewer of Burgers

Let's start with the elephant in the room: That Burger Is Too Tall. There's nothing wrong with a third-pound patty, but they should have been smashed down to about half as tall as they were when they hit the griddle. The consequences are broad:

Flatter patties will cook through faster. These take much longer to heat, which means more work managing to not burn them.

Patties this thick retain more grease, meaning they need to be properly exsanguinated (exoleated? I'm going to use that from now on) before they land on the bun, lest we soak through it.

Over-height burgers are more difficult to eat and sometimes even to hold.

We'll see these issues come back to bite us shortly. Please, remember that your patties will become thicker and narrower when you cook them! These patties looked very reasonable when they went on the heat, and they came out rounder than a physicist's cow.

On with the review!

Kate's House

Double third-pounder with pepper jack (jalapeño, habanero, ghost) and bacon on a toasted grocery store bun.

Grade: B

Meat: 2x 1/3 lb patties, too thick. Dense and consequently tough. Seasoned simply, salt and black pepper. Retained heat well, assisted by the pepper. Something's missing; it feels like there's a void where there should be a particular flavor.

Cheese: Not enough for the meat. I know this cheese has a good flavor with a nice heat, but it wasn't able to shine today since we ran out.

Bun: The Safeway brand "artisan" buns are pretty strong contenders, even without considering their humble origins. Unfortunately, they didn't stand a chance today. Holding this burger together requires gripping with such force that the bread was immediately flattened. This bun served its burger to the end, but at the cost of its dignity.

Execution: Cheese had already started to solidify by the time the patties made it to the plate. Bacon was interleaved between patties in a misguided attempt at Flavor; it made no difference whatsoever. The overwhelming thickness and density of the meat, and relative lack of cheese, made this burger something of a chore to work through. Patties were mostly drained of grease, but the first full bite still produced a geyser from the toothpick hole.

Overall: Far from a great burger, but not terrible either. A reasonable attempt from a humble student of the Way of the Burger.