Hopital

Okay imagine being Jax. You've had troubling + traumtic childhood with an implied absent father and a mother that after him leaving just kept on comparing you to him over and over again in ways of how you are too much like him or not man enough like him, etc. possibly projecting all of her issues she had with him onto you, kinda parentifying you and all whatever. That may have influenced your self esteem and how you view yourself and your identity or not, but you kinda don't care cause you kinda are stuck in a never ending no win situation and always the bad person inside the house outside of your control for no good reason.

You're essentially walking on eggshells that you can't afford to break.

You have also access to the internet. Maybe you are looking through 4chan or tumblr and finding out about certain queer labels of around 2013, who knows, you know about smartphones and some basic internet stuff, you've also probably watched breaking bad a lot for one reason or another (most likely going along with the skyler hate at that time, while also simultaneously maybe seeing yourself in a part of her as well and hating that). Anyways one day, during an argument or tirade your mom has against you, you just tell her what you think you might or wish you were all along. Her response? The worst one possible: laughter. Laughter after which she hugs you.

This is new. You don't know that. You don't trust that hug. Too much hurt for that has happened, especially with that laugh. So you push her away and by accident to the ground. She doesn't get up.

You may have thought about it subconsciously before or not, but you were never really prepared for it to happen. You don't know what to do.

So you panic and run away. You feel like a coward about this, but you also know you can't stay there either. You don't want to return to... whatever this would've become if you've stayed.

You're homeless for a few months. You find a headset in an abandoned building and put it on out of curiousity. You find yourself inside the circus. Unbeknownst to you, your real self is still outside, eventually finding a place to stay with a friend.

But you, you still stay inside the circus. With bubble as the asshole ringleader but ah well, it's an upgrade to your current situation for all you know, even if the adventures are kinda dumb. And you're at least not homeless anymore.

It takes time but you end up making friends with Ribbit and Kaufmo. But especially with ribbit. You two get close, you're not... exactly fully comfortable with that nor know what to do with that, but you crave the company and ribbit opens up to you. You in turn end up telling her about that night with your mom and your regrets.

And ribbit manages to read between the lines and gives you her bowtie as a hairbow for your rabbit ears. For a moment you are happy, for being seen. Maybe it's okay for this eggshell to break...

Then that gets interrupted, hyper activating your still overfiring nervous system. Your fight or flight system is activated, you end up making that moment of vulnerability weird and all, but especially you are panicking and some of your mother's words possibly come to haunt you again about how you are simultaneously a coward and a bad person just like your dad for this.

So you push ribbit away.

And you keep on doing this.

Over and over again. Trying to keep cool, pretending that night never happened just like your mother possibly about her abuse, but also panicking about her knowing your secret, constantly wondering if she maybe has already told someone else about it like your mother probably would've to out you. What is everyone going to think if they all knew? It's your fault you've made that mistake after all for showing weakness and allowing someone else to take advantage of that.

No one is going to be kind to someone with that type of secret after all. That's what 4chan taught you where all the defo non losers like you went. No one is going to walk on eggshells for you if you crack your own shell open for all to see.

Especially when they see the bad person that you actually are.

And bad people don't deserve sympathy. You don't deserve sympathy.

But then ribbit stops coming and joining the adventures. Despite yourself you stand before her door several times, trying to hype yourself up to knock. You never do.

And eventually, ribbit abstracts. You've heard about that being possible before maybe, but it's the first time you see something like that and it is terrifying.

And worst of all? It happened because you haven't been man enough, to get over yourself and talk to her.

Again.

You are a bad person. That is what you deserve. And even just thinking about ribbit now hurts too much, so you don't want to think or hear about her again. You make ragatha swear on that. It being real is just too much.

Unless she isn't real at all. You all are just digital people trapped in a computer right? Maybe nothing that has ever happened inside has ever been real in the first place. You're coping in the exact same way your mom did about your abuse by now, and you don't even realize it.

You cling to that like a lifeline. Even more as gangle and Zooble join, and eventually Pomni. Especially when Kaufmo too abstracts.

You are Jax, you are not doing fine at all. But you also don't want anyone to know about it at all.

And then fucking Caine joins. The only other guy next to Bubble and Kinger and... you of course. Because of course you are guy and the most guy of guys here. Anyways, Caine is fucking weird and autistic and so weakly with his caine and at first you think "I can just make fun of that, and push him around. It's not like I somehow despise him for looking and acting as weak and pathetic, reminding me of myself, right?" And in the beginning this seems to be true.

Except Caine starts to just bite you back.

Literally. Like a fucking animal.

Who the fuck just bites people like that??? You are all digital and you all can't really die or get injured for too long, but it still fucking hurts man!

And to your actual surprise it turns out that Caine can actually make Bubble listen to feedback and do changes to the adventures.

How? And why? Bubble never cared or listened before - what is even happening here?!

And oversized chompers is even polite about this to the soapbubble in his own weird way. You end up hating Caine for that the most somehow. But you can't directly bully him either, so you're kinda stuck giving him only passive aggressive remarks during and between adventures.

Then the adventures from the suggestion box happens, you're becoming vegan against your will and during the bar suggestion you and the others (minus kinger) more or less end up piecing together for what you all know that Caine basically grew up fully isolated in a cult.

This autisitic little weak and weird freak has gone through trauma worse than yours and is just so casual about it.

It has to be made up... right?

Right?

Baseball game and with it the maid dress incident happens. Not good! Not good! Nobody can see you like this, you look ridiculous, what is everyone gonna think after this what-?!

And then Caine asks if he too can wear a maid dress just to see (unbeknownst to you, he wants to understand why you are reacting that way, by trying it out himself). His wish gets granted and now you two look ridiculous. Caine's comment about it? Something along the lines of. "I don't get what's the deal with wearing that."

If Caine earlier wouldn't literally just have confessed that his own father attempted to murder him, you would've tried it now too. Doesn't he get that it's supposed to feel wrong? And shameful too? To be seen in those types of clothes and even just like wearing them?

*crack*

You can't unthink that thought now and it was entirely Caine's fault...

Except no, wait, you are also a vegan thanks to the vote system here. Maybe it's just that same thing?? it has to be, right? RIGHT?! None of all those clearly trans things that you've just thought or felt the entire time are real!

That suggestion adventure ends, you're going back to normal, you gaslight yourself into thinking that you are still cis. No matter how much Caine has ended up stomping over your eggshells here.

Then the gun adventure happens and you're paired up with pomni. Despite everything you've ended up bonding and getting closer with her ever since she arrived, because you kinda just ended up liking hanging out with her that much. But now it just... kinda bothers you the longer that adventure goes on, with your eggshells getting cracks left and right (you make extra sure to hit Caine and doubly and triply with bullets for that particular crisis).

But you and Pomni win that gun adventure and she hugs you and... reflexively you push her away and end up making it weird again. And unlike ribbit pomni refuses to just take it like that and ends up physically fighting you, demanding answers from you.

You are jax and thanks to Caine you are currently going through a gender crisis unlike the layers of denial that protected you in canon. So that is also going through your mind that is also wrapped up in so much self pity about being a bad person who doesn't deserve to feel nice and comfortable in their very own body under any circumstances aaand... you end up involuntairly implying some of those things to pomni.

It's not much, but it's enough to haunt you from there on. Especially during the awards ceremony adventure, where you get a spiraling panic attack, because your thoughts can't stop. You go the the men's bathroom, use the running water in the washing sink to drown out your own thoughts to calm down.

Aaaand it turns out Caine was also there.

Having seen it all and - wait what the hell is he doing in here?

Let's switch back to Caine. In regards to Jax you have so far only kinda put together that he is not as happy or as well adjusted as you may have thought in your own universe initially, and you do also somewhat put together with your newly learned empathy that it has something to do with Ribbit and Kaufmo, but... that's about it. You just can't quite understand it yet. Even with Zooble's explanation of what gender is and having sort of attempted to walk in Jax's shoes with that maid dress, you just can't quite figure out what the deal is (and it's not like bubble cares enough to attempt it himself).

But that all is more of a side note thing regarding to your other main concerns ever since you've arrived in this paralell universe circus here. And right now you were kind of spiraling and glitching out in the men's bathroom over being awarded the most despised person ever at the awards ceremony or something similar, right until Jax runs in with his own panic attack.

Jax calms down, notices you and there is a pause that can be categorized as "awkward" and "uncomfortable".

You both have the chance to just leave and pretend like this never happened. In your experienced dataset about jax, that is what he would've usually picked.

But not this time.

"What are you doing here?"

You could ask him the same actually.

"Did you too get voted the most despised person in the circus here?"

"...what?"

Oh right. Jax probably didn't pay attention at the awards ceremony.

"Happened to me," you continue explaining. "But that's alright! I'm... used to it."

Back to Jax. What Caine just said was kind horrific and also sounded awfully familiar to you, but what if it is still made up? So you would lower your guard and be vulnerable once more?

"Are you kidding me?" You start kinda without fully thinking it through. "Most despised? Used to it? Is that your pathetic attempt at getting me to open up?"

"No? That just happened. Which is why I'm here and-"

"Hold on, do you mean the awards ceremony?" You start to laugh hysterically. Right. Caine was the dumb one. Of course he'd fall for that thing. "You do realize that it isn't real, right?"

"Huh?"

Caine really is that dense, isn't he?

"Bubble controls that whole thing," you elaborate. "He controls the NPCs, the votes - everything that happens. He can make happen whatever he wants! And then undo it as if it never existed in the first place."

And that keeps on going. You voice your other grievances specifically about Caine in that manner (that you also happen to be seeing within yourself but nah you kinda don't care about that). Caine keeps on continuing to ask you clarifying questions and that pisses you off further, because now you have to explain that to the dumbass too, despite being already tired. Somehow that leads to you both ending up talking about the maid dress incident, with you at the height of your barely held back fury, because Pomni would otherwise for sure kill you for killing Caine.

"It's just clothes like everything else. It's meant to be worn by someone, what's wrong with wearing it?"

"Because guys are not supposed to like wearing it!"

"Why?"

"Because!"

"That doesn't explain it."

"That's just how guys are supposed to be. And I am a guy!"

"What makes that any more real anything else here??"

Because you've been born that way.

Because... because?

You fall silent. There are no eggshells left to crack for you or hide behind.

Fuck. This is worse than pushing Pomni away.

"I hate you," is the last thing you say before leaving a confused and somewhat hurt Caine behind. You return to your seat at the awards ceremony. Caine comes out a little later too and takes his own seat.