One, I absolutely love your posts, especially your ones about transfem Jax, I love her so much. But I saw that u have the trans flag in your bio beside ur pronouns, so I was wondering if that meant your transmasc, and if you are, how did you figure that out? I've been thinking I might be a trans man for a while, but everyone around me says I'm not, so I was just wondering. Sorry if this is weird or pushy or anything I seriously love your posts and I hope you have a good day. Also, sorry if you're not transmasc and I'm just dumb, im not trying to be rude
Thank you, and I am in fact a trans man! I’ve been asked before how I figured that out and I just said that I wanted to be a man, and so I became one. It sounds easy to figure out, but when you’re taught that you absolutely cannot be one, and in your unfortunate case explicitly told that, your mind kind of goes anywhere else than “I want to be a man” because that would mean deconstructing all those beliefs surrounding gender that you were taught.
Even if - dare I say especially- you feel more of a connecting to masculine things and expression your whole life, you could easily write it off as normal, because that’s all you know. That’s an important thing to note: thinking and talking about wanting to be a man nearly all the time is not normal. You don’t necessarily have to hate being a woman, even though I personally did, you just have to feel more comfortable thinking of yourself as a man.
Though that’s difficult, knowing whether or not you feel more comfortable in masculine or feminine presentation, when you’ve only known being perceived as feminine, and have been told your whole life that you’re suppose to like it. Personally, I started to figure it out in 4th grade when I put on a plain white shirt and baggy jeans, and looked to myself like a boy (I only ever really wore dresses and skirts before that) It made me so disgusted that I had to change before I threw up.
I thought about it for a while and realized I really only cared about that outfit making me look like a boy because I didn’t want anyone else to see me like that. I dressed up that way some more in the privacy of my room and realized I actually liked it a lot. And then I got internet access and found the trans community that if I wanted to be a boy, and it was already very clear to me that I did, I could. But it still felt wrong, because I’d been taught by people I trust that I couldn’t. Especially because I got my first period not soon after, and was immediately told by everyone that I was “becoming a woman”.
From then until last October, I tried to force myself to be the woman I knew everyone expected me to be. For that whole time, I knew that I wasn’t that. I thought that if I just ignored it long enough it would stop. But that repression resulted in me becoming depressed, developing anorexia, self harming, dissociating almost constantly, and inventing an entirely new personality alongside the femininity that I had to perform to be seen as right. If telling yourself that you’re not trans makes you feel bad in any way, you probably are. Hopefully this was helpful lol.
TL;DR: if you also relate to Jax, and think you might be trans, you’re trans.
