Bumblebeetuna

bee makes an oc for once?? Actually I have a few more to come because I’m grinding for art fight

i probably wont post much but i do have some ocs i want art of so ill try my best

Imagining pre-serum Bucky (in the 1940s) being so desperately in love with the scrawny blond boy who had a reputation for getting into unnecessary fights.

Bucky would come home from work, maybe it was a particularly long shift at the docks or he had to do twice as much work because a crew member called in sick. Whatever it was, Bucky was absolutely exhausted. The kind of fatigue that bore into his bones and settled into his very core...

...dragging… 

..him…

..down.

But then. 

Bucky sees Steve asleep on the couch with his sketchbook fallen to the ground. The familiar raspiness of his breathing whispering softly through the air.

Bucky peers over to catch a glimpse of whatever Steve had drawn.

Maybe it was another study of the Brooklyn skyline or a particularly weird-looking pigeon he had seen earlier today.

But as Bucky pieced together the messy lines inch by inch, leaning over Steve’s sleeping form as far as he could without waking him,

He sees sketches..

..of himself.

The mischievous glint of his own eyes as he smirked at an imaginary audience through the page. 

The sharp edges of his own jawline that he didn’t know he had. 

The warmth of his own smile, the one that he specifically reserved for Steve (and Steve only). The one that showed just a shimmer of his true emotions when the lights were dim and the world was quiet enough for Bucky to forget that it existed.

Bucky’s heart races but he immediately shakes his head to stop himself from thinking any further.

Because there was no way Steve could love him…

Steve couldn’t love him.

They would get locked up or worse, killed if they tried to love each other. 

So Bucky huffs out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and walks into the kitchen.

Setting a reminder for himself to keep all of his yearning to late-night whispers when he was sure Steve was asleep and incoherent mumbles under his breath when he sees Steve in the rightest way, which he always somehow did no matter how wrong it was supposed to be.

Steve is probably still a bit caught off guard every time he's reminded that Bucky loves him. Bucky loves him. Bucky has always loved him. 

He loves me he loves me

HE LOVES ME?

Back when he was small and just a scrawny kid on the streets where most people looked down upon him or saw him as a nuisance who had to keep on getting into fights for seemingly no reason. 

Back when he would keep on getting sick from literally everything and stay bedridden for days from pneumonia or whatever that was threatening his life again for the 80th time. 

Back when he had nothing to prove, nothing to his name. Back when he was nothing. Bucky had stayed by his side. Bucky had loved him.

Back when he had first gotten the serum and couldn’t recognize himself in the mirror on some days or even make sure of who he was anymore, Bucky had been his anchor. Bucky had reminded him why he was ready to follow him to the ends of the earth when he could’ve easily taken his leave and gone home to his family. But he stayed to remind Steve that he was also his home, his family.

What probably surprises Steve the most is the fact that Bucky still loves him now. After all those years of trauma and abuse, after everything Hydra put onto him, he chose to continue fighting by Steve’s side. Not because of obligation or guilt, never because of obligation or guilt, but because he wanted to.

HE WANTS ME?

He wanted to stay by Steve’s side "‘till the end of the line.” He wanted to join the Howling Commandos. He wanted to save Steve from drowning in the river and did so by breaking through 70+ years of abuse and brainwashing. He wanted to continue fighting by Steve’s side even after being put through so much. He wanted to love Steve. 

Little old Steve, he wasn’t even that special was he? Sure, he was genetically enhanced and could lift cars and stuff but everything special about him came out of a bottle he wasn’t that superhuman or anything that could be considered… worthy of Bucky’s years of intense devotion and love. He knew that Bucky saw him under all those stars and spangles and heroism, he saw him as just Steve Rogers. But Steve Rogers wasn’t anything special, Steve Rogers was insecure, selfish, stupid,

disgusting,

mindless,

SCARED.

Scared of what? Scared that Bucky genuinely loved him? Scared that he wasn’t WORTH his love? scared that Bucky will eventually see him like how he sees himself? 

Don’t love me back LOVE ME BACK please don’t love me back I love you I love you I love you please don’t love me back I’m not worth your time I’ll only disappoint you DO YOU LOVE ME? YOU LOVE ME? YOU LOVE ME? let me love you let me take care of you let me die for you I’m useful only when I’m useful to you but don’t waste your life LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME PLEASE I’LL PROVE MYSELF on me I’ll only make everything

worse

worse

WORSE.

PLEASE LOVE ME.

Steve loves Bucky. If he were to be struck down one day with a bullet directly pierced through his heart, the last words he’d ever want to say would be a garbled “I love you” to Bucky as blood filled his lungs. Bucky doesn’t have to love Steve back (but he still does), not when Steve has done so little for him. 

You love me

Why

Why

Why

Do you love me?

“WHY ME?”

Steve needs to do more. He needs to prove to himself that he deserves to be loved by Bucky. He needs to truly show his love. He needs to…

he should…

he has to…

…be okay with being loved.