lost cause

everybody has a hobby.

something that makes them special.

while i seem to have no skills.

nothing that makes me special like the others.

the only thing i know how to do is to love.

on the school roof,

the sunsets,

and you think

his eyes are

the heavens on earth.

the sun that peeks

through the clouds.

To remind you,

at midnight

how much

i looked for you.

how much

i love you.

*

a sigh, full of life.

open nose, rotten lungs.

dry mouth, dirty shorts.

sensations dancing through you,

blood dripping,

pills melting,

right underneath your tongue.

fireworks,

tears running,

drunk apologies s

p

i

l

l

i

n

g.

present,

welcoming.

present in the way he

whispered against your ear,

present in the sounds of

their background laughters.

present in the suffocating air

that hit your face.

present at that sunset,

on the school roof.

at that midnight, you thought,

his brown eyes

but april 6 was

The day you left, and we were torn apart.

I haven't tried to write anything.

Im too scared to do so.

I'll be scared for a while. For a forever.

I love you so much. It's unbelievable to me that this had to happen. So unfair. So fucking unfair.

I don't want to write more. I'll cry or pop the pills in my closet. The ones i keep in case I want to end it someday.

Although you leaving was enough to leave a long-lasting bitter taste of death on my tongue.

Goodbye, my best friend, my lover.

I know they burn..linger... and slowly fade away.

Forever long gone.

Forever back and forth.

Between time, between a soul tie.

Maybe that is what we're meant to be.

Souls that orbit around one another, just to crash into eachother.

Lost, confused.

Unfocused and foggy, like my bedroom window.

Like my memories of you.

I don't trust my feelings.

They're wrong, most of the time.

They linger and swirl...

Now, i feel so unsure.

As if my guidance angel got lost on their way.

My path, too twisted and confusing for them to guide along.

Time passes by.

Your pretty curls grow longer, i assume.

They wrapped around my fingers before you cut them short.

Then, everything slipped away.

From my fingers, from my control.

So far now, from my soul.

Time passes by.

You don't grow taller, tho.

You really can't.

If only a miracle falls.

But,

Time has eaten you alive.

Your thoughts grow bigger.

They wrap around your head, not a halo but a cage.

They're bigger.

Bigger than the love you had for your mother.

Back when you were still a kid.

Back when you still felt alive.

Before time passed by.

*

I don't trust my feelings.

But when the night comes, i wonder if i should.

Before everything goes by.

Before you passed by my eye.

No words i say will explain how much i miss you.

No, no blood i shed can even prove it.

I only have one desperate wish, my final if you will.

Come back to me, dear.

My heart aches, and I can feel it trying to escape this useless body that can not handle my love for you.

I can feel it, and others are starting to notice the rapid way it pounds against my chest.

So obvious and clear.

They think i am dying.

I am right where i want to be, i tell them.

They would never understand anyway.

Only me and you would. We always do. Only us.

It's always been me and you against everybody.

So tell me, why are you so far away now?

What happened?

I miss you.

I love you.

Im sorry, and i will never know what for.

Sorry for everything.

For existing and for loving you.

For hurting.

Im sorry im so bad at reading you, i can be better tho.

Im sorry.

I love you so much.