lost cause

Is there an end to this hill orrrrrrrrrr are we just gonna keep rolling down?!

I wish i could get you out of my mind.

I wish, and i wish, and so on, over and over. I wish again.

Repeat it like a mantra:

( I wish. I wish. I wish... and so I wish.)

It hurts so much to not have you here. To not be able to text you and have a conversation with you. One that i so desperately need.

I've been reading books. The same ones you read. I wish i could tell you what i thought. And i know you would correct me on something, and i would ask for your own insight on it. I'd love to hear your opinion.

I wish i knew you better. I wish i was like you. Always asking the right questions. But, was it ever about that? Or maybe just the fact that it was you asking them.

I can't tell anybody i miss you. No one would listen. Anyway, i wouldn't want them to.

But maybe if it was a complete stranger that i do not know, they would love to listen, and i would go on and on about you.

I would tell them how you're so soft, so smart.

Never mind that.

I would want to talk about your soul.

'Softness peeked through his eyes despite the harsh reality. Words bloomed from his heart as a gift to mine. His blues, so overwhelming, hearts were pierced, and funerals were held.'

'Most importantly, he is what you would describe as beautiful, glorious. Someone you can't help but put on a high pedestal. Through my eyes, he was the embodiment of an angel because he is an angel. My angel. And i think that he forever will be an angel and my love. But he's gone now, and im lost. I miss him, stranger. I miss him so much. What shall i do?'

I wasn't as smart or as mature as you described to me. Maybe im just insecure, but i am also young, and so were you.

I don't know my way. Never did, but im figuring it out.

'Oh stranger, i pretend the change is for me and only me, but i can't help but imagine the best version of myself with him.

I so badly want to impress him and make sure he is loved. Properly this time.

Oh, stranger, you don't know what he thinks of himself. His own eyes, incorrectly, see him through hell. But oh stranger, he is the heavens, and i was thrown out of it.'

You said ill figure out my way. I wish i asked you about yours.

'Oh stranger, oh stranger! My heart can not fathom what happened that night!! It meant nothing!! Nothing, my dear!

Oh, stranger.. how could i ever tell him, again, all that I've meant to say? My goodness..'

The stranger wipes my tears and listens, like you always did.

The ache will only grow bigger, it seems.

everybody has a hobby.

something that makes them special.

while i seem to have no skills.

nothing that makes me special like the others.

the only thing i know how to do is to love.

on the school roof,

the sunsets,

and you think

his eyes are

the heavens on earth.

the sun that peeks

through the clouds.

To remind you,

at midnight

how much

i looked for you.

how much

i love you.

*

a sigh, full of life.

open nose, rotten lungs.

dry mouth, dirty shorts.

sensations dancing through you,

blood dripping,

pills melting,

right underneath your tongue.

fireworks,

tears running,

drunk apologies s

p

i

l

l

i

n

g.

present,

welcoming.

present in the way he

whispered against your ear,

present in the sounds of

their background laughters.

present in the suffocating air

that hit your face.

present at that sunset,

on the school roof.

at that midnight, you thought,

his brown eyes

but april 6 was

The day you left, and we were torn apart.

I haven't tried to write anything.

Im too scared to do so.

I'll be scared for a while. For a forever.

I love you so much. It's unbelievable to me that this had to happen. So unfair. So fucking unfair.

I don't want to write more. I'll cry or pop the pills in my closet. The ones i keep in case I want to end it someday.

Although you leaving was enough to leave a long-lasting bitter taste of death on my tongue.

Goodbye, my best friend, my lover.

I know they burn..linger... and slowly fade away.

Forever long gone.

Forever back and forth.

Between time, between a soul tie.

Maybe that is what we're meant to be.

Souls that orbit around one another, just to crash into eachother.

Lost, confused.

Unfocused and foggy, like my bedroom window.

Like my memories of you.

I don't trust my feelings.

They're wrong, most of the time.

They linger and swirl...

Now, i feel so unsure.

As if my guidance angel got lost on their way.

My path, too twisted and confusing for them to guide along.

Time passes by.

Your pretty curls grow longer, i assume.

They wrapped around my fingers before you cut them short.

Then, everything slipped away.

From my fingers, from my control.

So far now, from my soul.

Time passes by.

You don't grow taller, tho.

You really can't.

If only a miracle falls.

But,

Time has eaten you alive.

Your thoughts grow bigger.

They wrap around your head, not a halo but a cage.

They're bigger.

Bigger than the love you had for your mother.

Back when you were still a kid.

Back when you still felt alive.

Before time passed by.

*

I don't trust my feelings.

But when the night comes, i wonder if i should.

Before everything goes by.

Before you passed by my eye.