Screm into void

I can comunicate that I need an earbuf in with some mform of audiobook to distract that part of my brain that wants to trigger a breakdown right this minute because I can hear every single fucking lightbulb in this building, there's 3 freezers running and 2 blenders going off and not even the bathroom is quiet because the fuckass fan in there is blairing loud enough to drown outa loght conversation.

But because I can manage enough to say "I function better with earbuds" its a request/preferece. They wouldn't take the headphones from someone who they saw having visible meltdowns because that equates a need, but when I have a quiet shutdown where I cannot make a new decision and basically become a low tech robot that can do simple tasks and comands to the outside world I'm still functioning therefore fine.

I feel like if I press it I'm gonna either seem spoiled or incapable and it sucks.

The idea of being able to go toe to toe with someone physically and just truly let loose knowing that your best won't hurt them is such an enthralling idea. Oh sure you can put force into a winning fight but unless you actully want to have permanent consequences there's always a layer of control that you have to wrap your strength in.

It's not just physical either. I was spoiled in my youth by playing adult board games with people who were genuinely smart, calculating, and knew how to play. Now as an adult I'll try and sugest a board game and I'll hear "But that's so complicated" or "but it's so hard" and even when people are excited to play I always seem to win without the desired struggle. Its common for me to catch an oops where they don't propperly understand the rules and if it's in their favor I just don't say anything anymore. Pointing out someone's slightly ilegal turn while your 20 points ahead doesn't make for a fun time for the other person.

I want a challenge I can tear at, I want to rip it with my teeth, let me struggle against something that won't break, let me actully let loose

I'd like to know why my ears are shedding scally flakes and then weaping clear fluid. Idk, here's some cream, there's no permanent fix, it flairs up with stress :D

Why the fuck do I smell like I just ran a marathon 10 minutes after showering? You're stressed so your sweating the smelly sweat, well I would feel 5-10% less stressed if I wasn't paranoid about coworkers smelling me and thinking I dont shower when I shower every hecking day!

Why do I feel dizzy and awful mid-day? Just stressed, bestie, just don't be stressed :D

I WOULD FEEL LESS STRESSED IF I HAD A FUDGIBG CAUSE AND COULD FUX THIS SHIT

Afab girl here

There's a weird kind of dysphoria where I feel overly masculine than when I'm wearing something frilly or flowy or "girlish" and I feel more feminine when I wear a suit or straight cut pants or "boyish" clothing.

I'll be like "ooo could be nice to try on that pretty dress" and I try it on and feel like a guy wearing a dress in the bad way not in the good way.

I see so many trans women that seem comfortable in those styles, and they look like women, but when I wear them I feel, not good.

I don't think I'm trans, I don't want to be perceived as a man, I don't want short hair.

I think I genuinely look more like a guy when I wear a floral print dress than I do in T-shirt and leggings.

Idk man. They look so pretty and I feel like shit wearing them

Maybe it's the internal version of "A man looks best in something slightly feminine and a woman looks best in something slightly masculine"?

I know non-binary exists but I don't really get any extra seratonin from being called they/them and most of the enbys I know have short hair and I like my rapunzel hair.

WE FEAST TONIGHT BOIIIIIIIS

It looked so fucking smooth and pretty..

I can put on makeup because I wanna

I can avoid makeup because I wanna

I can shave my legs and arms because it's fun

I can go to the pool with visible body hair and unshared armpits

I deserve baseline human respect no matter my size or weight or hight.

I deserve baseline respect whether I'm attractive or ugly

I am a person and that fact is far more important than any detail of my appearance

I dont need to see myself as attractive.

It's not that they don't sell the tools I need, the sell them, they're just wrong for what I'm doing.

They sell head mannequins for styling wigs, the mannequin heads they sell are so different in size from my head that when i style it on the mannequin it looks fucked up and goofy on my head, NOT WHAT I WANT

They sell curlers for hair that could be used on a wig, They're way to fucking small and the curls are now wrong NOT WHAT I WANT

I live in a world where I can picture the exact tool/thing I need AND THEN BE SOLD 3 DIFFERENT VARIENTS OF IT AND NONE OF THEM WORK LIKE HOW I NEED IT TO

This also applies to attempting to buy basic ass shoes as a person with wide stubby feet. Size 7w US should not be hard to shop for but god forbid someone has a childhood where they ran barefoot

I just want tools that fucking work and I rarely ever find any so my first response to "I need x" is "ok let's make x I guess"

AND EVEN THOUGH IM A DUMBASS WHO DOESNT KNIW HOW TO MAKE IT IT ENDS UP WORKING BETTER THAN THE BOUGHT VERSION