as per usual, i was taking things too literally, thinking:
âi feel a lot therefore i am not afraid of feelingâ
recently understood how some (or most) people can get overwhelmed by feeling âtoo muchâ of âpositive emotion
(i am laughing because there are no good or bad emotions, just emotions)
still did not think of myself as afraid or unable to deal with mine
even though i am scared of shining my brightest light?
...still nothing?
even though i donât ever let myself sit in an âuncomfortableâ bodily sensation for more than a second before i start numbing me?
with social media, podcasts, alcohol, or by running to a shop for a chocolate, or sending a message to someone who will âunderstandâ
clenching my body while âmyâ mind (aka societal programming device) runs unchecked and is completely in control of the outcomes i gladly push myself to
(when i say âpushâ i mean to the deep dark hole)
where my body stores so much trauma itâs hard to even access it just by myself anymore
life is poetry because every thing that is poetic is real
why i am so quick to escape the raw beauty of this life  vs.  let myself feel?
been having these dreams cuz itâs 99% of full moon, and with yoni egg helping me to get the muscle memory going to remember what i need in order to feel it out
what popped up at night was the school halls and the mean girls in them, that werenât always mean
sister wound runs clear and deep
i almost clearly remember how i started to withdraw from life itself after the girls in my neighbourhood, and my school, and in every other place weâve moved to, been mean to me
and how the society clapped and raised them for that, and how the girls had to continue after all that praise
to be lifted up you need to destroy, and if you fall your name wonât even be remembered tomorrow
i went for a thai massage to help me with the pain in my back
it was wonderful, and it started hurting even more after that
things want to come out
letâs dive in and help them to dig themselves out
recall how i never liked food that much like i âdoâ now, and how my grandmother used to make me eat every little bite, and how i would hide my food in the bins, and then look for candy and sugar cubes
all done in secret, addicted to sweetness i didnât think iâve deserved nowhere else
letting the rush overwhelm me and rule me, being sneaky with food like every other kid was around me when they were talking shit to each otherâs ears
iâve been playing the same story for years
drinking vodka in snow, smoking cigarettes and writing in cold balconies, crying my heart out
showing boys how much can i eat/drink so they would be surprised of someone so skinny being able to do that in 3 times larger amounts than them - almost fully âgrown menâ
trying to gain weight at mcdonaldâs in all the craziest ways
food always being so stressful - like in cafeterias where everyone is looking at you, hating
eating so many donuts and drinking so much beer all day every day
and then in the later days, in trance, walking to the shop 3 times in an evening, spending all the money iâve earned on sweets
vomiting in the bucket, hiding it in the closet
counting calories, running in the rain in the dark, crying about boys who do not love me like i âloveâ them
but never truly feeling as if i canât handle it, or that i truly classify of having something
addictive personality? bpd? depression? anxiety? co-dependency? overeating? bulimia? alcoholism? only child syndrome? angsty teen? all of them?
f u c k   l a b e l s
itâs just a game of comparison that someone who needed their jobs to be easier created
and later, visiting my almost dying friend in anorexia ward, thinking:
iâm not that skinny, i am not that disordered, oh the comparisons and all
and now:
iâve just turned 26 and i am struggling not to go to the bakery to stuff my mouth with sponge cakes
and when my body says ânoâ i ignore it and order more food 2 times in a row
but
iâm growing and even if it sneaks in, i am standing up again and listening to my body
i cannot continue to ignore it just because someone ignored me
misunderstood me, shamed me, judged me, didnât âloveâ me
healing is not a linear story
and i am not a patient, but a multifaceted, shape-shifting being who is standing up to the responsibility more and more to be in my highest truth. to stop acting on auto-pilot
the moral of the story:
we are glorious humans. we can do whatever the fuck we want and heal in any way it serves us. do not compare. do not judge. do not give up...
GIVE INÂ to your feeling, GIVE IN to your bodyâs intelligence and wisdom, GIVE IN to the waves and waves of emotion, let it wash you clean, let it purify you. you are not broken, but your heart will feel like itâs breaking every time itâs EXPANDING more and more to RECEIVE all that beautiful healing you ALLOW yourself to accept because you KNOW you ARE MORE.
