#exsistence

In my dream there was a man crouched beside a tree stump. His presence was a calming one and his demeanour that of a teacher, he reached forward and from the centre of the tree stump lifted a sort of heart. This was not a flesh and blood heart, but a heart nonetheless. With this stange heart in his hands he turned to me and said

"The map to the heart of life, lies insides the inner layers of the very heart itself, but the journey must be taken without bringing the heart along"

My interpretation of this is that the key to life is to strip oneself of ego and individuality, to simply exsist as a life form no different than a plant or bug. To sit and experience life as just a part of life, not a conqueror of it. A reminder that we are a collective. Sometimes your human biais can cloud you to true meaning.

i can do everything i want to right now. and i dont have to do anything right now either. i am a being of choices and actions. consequences are actions of beings that make choices and actions. i have a self-realization to evaluate my consciousness and will. am i only alive to live? and am i only living to be alive.

BUT !!! if there were some kind of something that created the universe with intention, and us within it for whatever reason, and it had good intentions... i would be able to asign it atributes based on the world we live in. and this post is about just one of those.

if something created the universe, one of the things i would be grateful to it for would be how absolutely infinite the amount of knowledge seems to be in our universe. like, humanity could exist for trillions of trillions of years, evolve and de-evolve, die out and come back, get stunted and grow exponentially, and we still would probably never understand everything there is to understand. our planet is constantly changing, our history is constantly getting written and erased, our natures and lives different between each individual that has and will ever exist (and even within the individual themself), the universe so vast and evergrowing, with truths we hardly grasp the ideas of, places to explore infinite, humans to interact with just as infinite as all that, sensations and experiences left to invent... i do belive "perfection" doesnt exist, and for "eternity" i dont know, but before the final human descendant dies, it really will be infinite. and i hope... when that final human dies, they will die knowing we really got the most out of life, and it is now their time to see for themself the truth of one final mystery... what happens after death.

“I know pretty much what I like and dislike; but please, don’t ask me who I am” -Sylvia Plath

Our whole lives we spend immense amounts of time trying to discover who we are, what lies beneath the image we show others, but is this a fulfilling ambition?

Does this goal ever get conquered? Has anyone ever been able to know exactly what they want and who they are through each experience? Unchanging? Stubborn.

Everyday is a new beginning, we hear this so often but do we understand what it truly represents? New beginnings require destruction and birth, are these things we can achieve in sleep? Do we destroy every atom of yesterday in 8 hours? Do we wake up a child who’s captivated by every detail we can hold? No, we don’t.

Isn’t the beauty of life not knowing what or even who tomorrow brings? If we begin again and again and again can there ever even be an end? 

I want to place my head on my pillow and burn down buildings and islands that hold my history, all the files and packages that reside within me, taking up too much space and weighing me down, i want to destroy who i was in every single yesterday, never being able to look back and reminisce, only forward, to tomorrow when i wake up new and bright, not anchored by textbooks or notes, just sailing. Beginning. Again.