liyaaaa

Where does the bullshit start, Armand, Amadeo, Arun?

Oh my.... U make me blush. If it makes no sense its on u for reading post titled viltrumites breastfeeding headcanons

cw: breasfeeding, canon typical violence, incorrect evolution speculations, spoilers for comic n show

General headcanons:

After some testing the main thing about it: Its thick, its very very vitamin dense. Imagine making a protein smoothie with like 1ml of water n thousand other vitamins? That is its baseline. Weirdly enough i think as long as they get enough like, meat, the taste doesnt change n consistency stays similiar. If ure not a viltrumite itll be hard to drink it bc most pumping machines are unable to actually get the milk out so get to work anon.

Short history. Viltrumites go through massive extinctions pretty often because of the whole "lets kill everyone because the others r weaker than us" n for that u must have kids that will be stronger than your opposing side. Which brings in that half of the family might get wiped out so, viltrumites must evolve to be able to support their kids as singular entity. I think the governments on Viltrum were divided same as humans, but because of how violent they are i also think the wars were constant and with it population numbers always varied enough for it to matter but not enough for viltrumites to change. Then space travel discovered and now viltrumites, lacking fast travel, were again separated for long periods of time.

Also because of lack of fast travel for a while i also think idea of space viltrumites that were born and raised on spaceships is pretty common. While traveling to planet that will be conquered could predict like one battalion and then here comes more viltrumites than you expect n half of them arent even fully grown and yet stil stronger than your whole planet. Also anger issues taht arent as controlled as grown viltrumite really add up.

After Argall became emperor this evolutionary trait also helped because the kids n parent became separate units. If both parents can breastfeed theres no need for both parents to stay around the child so they can be abandoned for the weaker partner to take care of them. Which the babies also get abandoned after they gain powers to fend for themselves. Exceptions included*

Viltrumites breastfeeding

Nolan: Of course the dilf himself would be great. He confused Debbie when he suggested letting her rest after Mark drunk more than fragile human body could produce(hc: mark was a chubby baby). And then Debbie gets to see male tits lactate and find out things about viltrumites Cecil could never even wish for. Out of curiosity she would try it, finding out it always tastes the same - and overbearing. Good lord Debbie felt shame for like 1 sip and then both humans in the family prefered viltrumite milk to Earthly ones. 7/10

Conquest: Powder -9999/10. Also gets extremely excited if his partner tries to feed on him so his chest is just, impossible to get the milk out so ud have to play with his nipples for days before u can actually get anything out of them. Powder or not.

Thadeus: Powder but its strawberry milk powder. -2/10. Look. He lives on a planet without traveling around and from generation before Argall took power, his milk will be different. Its bound to happen. This to say of all viltrumites i think hed have the most problem with letting you try it for yourself.

Lucan: Okay okay, bear with me, itll be fine 6/10 on good day 3/10 on a bad day? Honestly i do think getting milk out of him would be pretty enjoyable for him because of lack of scars and muscles are padded with fat + i think his nipples are sensitive. No i cant explain why. Just trust me bro. By bad days i mean like. Neither of you could see each other bc of work so hes sulking alone. And by good is when viltrumite gets pampered by all attention the world(you) can give him. Just squeeze his tit into ur cup and u can finish drawing heart in ur coffee.

Thula: powder 1/10. Singular point bc uts nutritional but do you truly wanna drink it? I know you do.

Kregg: before earth - standard viltrumite milk, maybe has more lasting aftertaste than average viltrumite. After earth? That milk tastes like grandmas ashes. Consistency of very very thick milk, id want to describe it as watered down youghurt just how thick it is. But luckily his tits are made to be sucked on and he had plenty of times when he lactated before (thragg). -99/10 kregg stop smoking.

Thragg: im not sharing this. 6/10...Why his rating will be this low? Easy. During [spoilers for comic] the whole viltrumite/traxxan arc i dont think he breastfed anyone but like, Onaan n Ursaal (bc theyre favorite duh), n hes very conservative viltrumite so the weaker partners were taking care of the kids like in canon. But the milk that was tried! (And one u will get) This guy bc of being test tube baby simply lacks enough milk in his tits to feed kids consistently, n because of the whole being a genetic freak bc of the experimentation, i dont think his milk tastes that good anyway. Its still healthy n full of minerals, but of every viltrumite his would have this weird taste like its fake milk

+ extra

Lestat sings a song, when the marching band comes out Louis is like: "really? I was going to say yes before you got the whole school involved." And Lestat's like, miming 'cut' to the guy who was supposed to fire the confetti canon.

Louis is just like: "you're enough, you don't have to do all that"

Lestat's nodding, but then he's also miming 'cut' to the flash mob waiting in the wings.

Devil's Minion prom-posal:

Armand corners Daniel under the bleachers and reads a list of every school rule he's broken the last four years. They've never interacted before.

Invincible

General Regent Thragg with his mean asl wife + being a daddy thoughts (like actual dad).

Thragg has a superiority complex embedded so deep within him it's unreal. He takes the Viltrumite way of life and doubles it in everything he does. Nothing in the universe can ever outclass the strength and power that is a Viltrumite.

To bring that legacy back to its former glory he has to breed. Sure. Yeah...he has thousands of children with you know the entire female Thraxan population but they're just cannon fodder in his eyes. Not real blood. Bastards he had to bring into the world and would put out of their misery if given the chance.

The twins probably get a smidge more out of him but that's because he finds them interesting not out of any actual paternal instinct. No he needs something stronger. The strongest the world can offer and...he doesn't get that.

No. This is his punishment for causing such suffering to millions of species. He doesn't get his wish at all. Instead he knows what it's like to be scorned by words alone with mean as hell wife. They met on Earth because duh...she's something awesome and badass. Military agent? Secret service spy? Double blade welding ninja? Doesn't matters she's awesome and doesn't play at all when it comes to Thragg.

Literally saw him intimidating some humans one day and she was like "mhm. This is mine now." *Cue Cassie's voice Mortal Kombat voice.* Get over here. Her verbal assault on him is enough to have him reconsider if the empire really needs to be replaced that badly. She curses him out to hell and back like no you can not take other 'mates' to restore the legacy of your people. I'm all the mate you need. If you ever suggest that again I'll burn you in our bed.

I could see thragg being the type to leave all the child raising to the women outside of fighting and history. The indoctrination must start as early as possible to be effective. So maybe don't tell him that research states children can hear in the womb before there even born. Will have all two of you awake all hours in the night as he talks to your bump about the Great Viltrum Empire. Anyways back to point feeding, crying, diapers things of that nature are all supposed to be on you but nah wifey won't stand for it.

She's fresh in labor, miserable, sweaty with a confused and uncomfortable Thragg who has forced to come to the delivery and worse or all you were screaming which he thinks it's overdramatic. Childbirth can't be that bad. He regrets that though considering in a pregnant rage seven centimeters dilated you throw the iv machine at his head. Yeah. He just shut up for the rest of it and gets you ice chips like a good slave should.

A few hours later there's a crying red faced newborn laying against her chest as thragg stands off to the side staring. It's a girl because I believe in girl dad supremacy for all Viltrumite men. No I don't care. Thragg doesn't care anyways, he sees strength not gender. The Viltrum might be filled with genocidal, slavery pro, violent, eugenics based maniacs but they are not sexist. A woman can be just as evil as a man and they love to see it.

Anyway because she needs a nap atrociously and she offers the baby out to him all aweet ans gentle and severely drugged for everyone else's wellbeing. He tries to turn it down at first his and part of it is because he thinks he's above lesser tasks but the other part of him small and harderened harboring an intensive desire for legacy fears crushing his child. His hands were made to destroy his enemies not hold a ten pound screaming flesh bag. Which by the way side note again Viltrumite babies are big as hell.

Anyway wife wont stand for this and suddenly she's deliriously shouting at him. "What do you mean you don't want to hold the baby?" "Childcare this early on is not the responsibility of-" "COME HOLD THIS DAMN BABY SO I CAN CAN SLEEP!" His face crumples in annoyance and he wants to kill you but he doesn't. He could but he doesn't because the idea of causing you pain makes his chest hurt. Yes thragg its possible to feel grief for something as lowlife as a 'human'.

He just shuffles over and takes the newborn as you roll over on your side still grumbling and cursing him. The funny thing is he definitely likes it..like in no world could you physically overpower this man and yet he stays and lets you talk to him however you want. He loves it. I don't care I don't care what you say. This man is exactly where he wants to be

.Anyway he's extremely awkward holding the baby the nurses try to help but he always end up shifting back to that same awkward position after a certain point they're just giggling at him.

He is not pleased at all but he knows you would probably yell at him if he killed the nurses so he refrains. Barely. He does not have the same care for them as he does for you. Does make the threat clear by crushing the edge of a table though. They get the hint and leave but they're still laughing as he holds his baby girl just staring down at his carbon copy.

This girl took his whole face by the way including his mean mug. She looks so unimpressed and she's not even an hour old. He swears shes glaring at him and nudges you to point it out.

"Wife. The baby is glaring." His words don't get far as you roll over with a deep dramatic huff about to curse him out but youre distracted by a suddenly very smiley baby. "Aww look she took your whole face. You Sonofabitch." Thragg actually thinks he's going insane because milliseconds ago she was frowning. As soon as you look away the glare is back and pointed at him. "Wife-" "LEAVE ME ALONE GODDAMNIT!" Before he can call your attention the smile is back.

Kregg - Makes a thousand spelling errors. Gets incredibly frustrated. Makes even more spelling errors as a result. Holds the phone like it owes him money.

Lucan - Doesn’t even bother typing and decided that sending voice messages was easier. Even to simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions.

Thula - The most cohesive, but is the slowest typer in the world on the account of the fact she uses her pointer finger to type one letter at a time.

Anissa - Adapted to the phone the quickest. Corrects everyone else’s spelling to spite them. Hardly interacts otherwise. Airs everyone even when directly addressed.

I wanna see group chats of autocorrect fucking up all their names

I wanna see there first reaction to things like fast food or television or fuck it even small stuff like experiencing being in an office in a corporate JOB!!

I want to see these pathetic aliens fumbling human interaction god damit