A Campaign About Poop

There was a lot of content to plan and create for the Shits and Giggles campaign, and I thought it might be fun for you to see some of the original plans that I came up with at the very beginning. My initial skeleton outline of the whole campaign was printed out before the start of the campaign in earnest, and I periodically annotated the outline as the campaign progressed. I kept using that same packet of papers for the entirety of the campaign (which was about three years, if I remember correctly), so there are lots of little notes on there.

Surprisingly, most of the broad strokes of the campaign came to pass as they were originally planned! Some characters ended up with different names, and some events got pushed around to occur earlier or later, but I tried to leave enough space in the outline so that the granular bits of the actual adventures would have room for proper shenanigans. My beloved players did not disappoint, but if you’ve read the adventure logs for this campaign, you already know that! :)

Anyway, as I was packing up all of my old notes to make room for the next campaign, I scanned in that skeleton outline for everyone to peek at my process. Check them out after the jump!

September 27 (post eclipse)

It's the final installment of the campaign, and we're picking up where we left off in the heated battle. Mobs of maw demons that were too far away for the mass suggestion to take effect are taking bites out of Hilaria and Die Cornelius. Norm, from his aerial vantage point bestowed by his wings of flying, activates the Cube of Force. He chooses the ability where no living matter can pass through the cube, because he also has a Secret Plan to help secure victory.

Yula's similarly flying around on his leathery-feathery wings, taking pot shots with their crossbow. Tony Bear Androgeno the pegasus, is also attacking while flying and misses an aerial trample. Spleenifer attempts to smite from on horseback, but also misses. What is up with everyone missing their attacks right now? Oh, it's the festering stink lingering in the air. Luckily, Die Cornelius avoids getting sickened long enough to use his trusty warhammer for some "percussive adjustments" on Norozogaan.

By now, Hilaria is almost reunited with Lucky, but there are still plenty more maw demons to cut down. She gets within throwing distance and hurls an axe into Norozogaan. Take that you, sickly sack of crap! Norozogaan leaps from the narrow passage the demon lord was cornered on but gets smited by Spleenifer's divine smite once becoming airborne. The demon lord lands on Lucky's stone bridge, but the weight is too much and part of the bridge cracks and falls away. The bridge is still traversable, though!

Tweazle's water elemental that he summoned earlier gets lashed by Norozogaan's pseudopods alongside Tony Androgeno and Hilaria. Norozogaan then splits back into several pseudopods that begin moving independently. A slipperly slime forms under the embiggened Anaxilas's feet and sends him dangling dangerously over the edge of a cliff, but the crystal is now in position to test Anaxilas's theory. Jamie casts Dancing Lights through the crystal, focusing the lights on Norozogaan. Surprise! The lowly utility cantrip known as Dancing Lights starts doing some damage and sizzling Norozogaan's flesh (or whatever passes for flesh on Norozogaan). Jamie celebrates their successful test by giving Anaxilas a little bardic inspiration in the form of a rousing song.

Lucky grabs the water elemental and thundersteps over to the cliff to help yank Anaxilas away from the danger zone of the cliff. Tweazle does another Steel Wind Strike and manages to slash every one of the pseudopods and a Flatulant. One more of Norozogaan's pseudopods is down for the count, as well as the flatulant. The air quality improves a tiny bit with the flatulant's demise. Lucky gets another wild magic surge that sees an invincible strip of toilet paper get affixed to her shoe. And also the toilet paper has echolocation powers, you know, like regular toilet paper does. Meanwhile the water elemental and Melboarne do their part to slap and stomp their way to victory.

The crystal needs to be stabilized again, but Das Cornelius is up for the challenge. The other Cornelii keep smashing the flatulants to keep improving the air quality. Norm puts the folding boat inside the cube of force and activates the small boat form. YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT BOAT IS COMING OUT TO SOLVE ONE LAST PROBLEM! Anyway, Norm drops the cube/boat combo on two of the pseudopods lurking on the bridge. The extra weight from the boat hits the pseudopods like a very heavy tofu press, and leaves a big hole in the bridge as part of the bridge becomes impassable.

Spleenifer unleashes a destructive wave that nearly finishes off Norozogaan, setting things up for Hilaria. Hilaria slashes her way through the last pseudopod and is finally reunited with Lucky... Just as Norozogaan's layer of the abyss begins to collapse around the party. Everyone needs a way to get out fast, and Lucky has a clever solution to the problem. She casts banishment on the party, though there are so many people involved that she has to cast it twice. A toy boat now appears on top of the arrow that's pointing left above her head, and she ends up covered in soft, luxurious fur. Spleenifer ended up in the second batch of banishment, as she needed to grab a souvenir tithe before ending up back on the material plane.

There's someone waiting to greet the party upon their arrival back in Brownstone. It's a face that the party has never seen before, but the voice is familiar. Is that the toilet paper ghost... but as a dwarf? It is! The bearded dwarf introduces herself as Aeigh Albearda Brownstone, and she was the person responsible for Norozogaan's initial banishment. She made a deal with an arch devil to seal away Norozogaan and develop a sewer system capable of keeping the filth contained, but the terms of the bargain meant that no one would know her face or name as the one who saved the town as long as Norozogaan still existed (slumbering, rampaging, or banished to another plane, it didn't matter as long as Norozogaan existed somewhere). But since Norozogaan has been completely destroyed, the curse is no longer in effect. Aeigh thanks the heroes for their service and their ability to free her from a curse that was nearly impossible to end.

Elsewhere in the city, all the filth that was covering the streets is rapidly receding as it is drawn into the sewers built hundreds of years ago by Aeigh and her team. Everyone cheers as the heroes of Brownstone walk past. The townsfolk decide that Zaribeth is not fit to hold office because way more serious disasters befell the town during her administration, plus crime was up. Maybe they should ask "that other guy" to come back into office? At least he didn't destroy the town as much as the current mayor!

EPILOGUE TIME!

The heroes defeated the great evil that would lay waste to their world, but what happens now? We have so many loose ends to tie up! Don't worry, though, we're about to take care of a bunch of them with the magic of NARRATIVE STRUCTURE and also WISH FULFILLMENT! There's a lot here and a lot of time to cover, so we're just gonna make a big bulleted list for it.

All the Cornelii get together and are eventually merged into a single "normal" non-corn gnomish version of Cornelius (whatever that counts for).

Jamie hangs around Brownstone until their money and the dating pool runs out, then skips off to another place to earn some coin. They still come back for weddings, which will be important in a moment.

Spleenifer uses the Infernal Generals cards to summon Asmodeus's trusted generals. But instead of commanding them to fight and trick and betray, the generals are tasked with rebuilding Brownstone to peak health. Once the reconstruction is complete, she retires to her stables and has a grand gay duck wedding with an army of waddling groomsmen. She even breaks out a special magic spell to summon a spirit guardian for the occasion. At the wedding, Spleenifer tries alcohol for the first time and does a wicked lawnmower. She eventually becomes a pastor of the Church of Lathander and steals away all the members of the Reformed Church of the Dragon. Additionally, Stinky Calypso, the baby otyugh inhabiting Brother Clifton's outhouse grows up to become a psychic preacher in Spleenifer's church.

Lucky catches the bouquet at Spleenifer's duck wedding completely by accident when a drink gets knocked of Lucky's hand. Anyway, next thing you know, she and Hilaria get married and Spleenifer invites Trashpit to the wedding as her plus one.

Tweazle leaves town to find adventures elsewhere, but eventually returns when he realizes that the most adventuring he ever did was in and around Brownstone. Tweazle ends up married to Melboarne strictly for tax purposes, and Melboarne wears the wedding dress for the rest of her natural life.

Norm manages to collect the entire My Little Beholder collection and eventually meets the creator of the My Little Beholder franchise. The two of them hit it off, and they end up getting married on Norm's folding boat... On the water!

Anaxilas and Norbert have a fabulous gay wedding, though it's technically a renewal of vows since the original wedding had to be conducted in secret. Jamie has been spending a lot of time avoiding catching the bouquet at all the weddings they are attending, and Gigi Hardcastle is pretty conflicted about Anaxilas officially putting a ring on it because it might mean fewer flirty shirtless pictures for the rest of the fans.

Robin Stormblossom continues tending their farm and it grows to care for many more individuals, orphans and animal alike. Porkchop, the T-Rex living at the ranch, becomes a mother and hatches a bunch of baby T-Rexes. They all have -chop names like Lambchop, Karate Chop, Slapchop, and Muttonchop, and those heroes of Brownstone that pass Robin's adoption screening are allowed to adopt the little dinos. Elsewhere on the ranch, King Chonk the rotund raccoon finds an absolutely epic trash pile at Robin's ranch and lives in opulent comfort for the rest of his days.

Erky also has a wedding, and it's not to the stupid juice or the outhouse friend! They managed to patch things up with their love interest at the Brownstone Bugle.

Jangles' estate is settled and a "completely different, but related" person is declared to inherit the estate. Hooray, their magic shop can operate and/or explode openly again!

Curtis Hanover grows up to be a fine upstanding person who is free of a criminal record.

Nick Forrester (the stalker) becomes relegated to the coffee errand boy for the Muscle Mountain Anaxilas Fan Club.

Mayor Dungwall serves another term as mayor but eventually retires to the country to become a cattle farmer and rural sphere collector. Cornelius somehow succeeds Dungwall as mayor and Mayor von Tinkelwasser earns the distinction of being the town's most eventful mayor. Not in a good or bad way, just an eventful one, and that's saying something after the events of the previous few mayors.

Yula tries unsuccessfully to drag Tweazle back to the Nine Hells, and the attempt ends in a convoluted scheme where Tweazle manages to outsmart the rakshasa and Yula winds up married to an elephant.

Sunday September 27 (early afternoon)

Guess who's back from the Nine Hells! That's right, it's your favorite party of adventurers; the real-deal heroes of Brownstone. They come back to town with an entire flock of sheep following behind Lucky. No, we're not calling the other adventurers sheep; they're actual sheep that were summoned by Lucky's wild magic and also they serve as a convenient narrative device indicating that "An Amount Of Time Has Passed." The town is now a scene of destruction and devastation.

Everything is covered in poop that seems seems to be growing and crawling before their very eyes. The Montclare River is now a solid putrid brown. Oh, and the sky is darkening because it's time for the eclipse! As the moon blocks out the sunlight, a blast of necromantic energy radiates through the portal. Looks like someone left the oven on, and it's time for our beloved adventurers to do some heroics to stop the world from burning down!

We jump forward in time a bit with a travel montage. Helicopter shots of the party trekking single file up the mountain, close-ups showing the grim determination on our party's faces. A rousing orchestral score plays in the background, so you know it's epic. And now they go through the portal to their final conflict, where combat has already started?

Already started? Yep! The B-Team is here (plus Anaxilas), waging war against a horde of demons as best they can. The necromantic energy that spilled out of the portal during the eclipse has the same feel as the energy throbbing through the crystal above the tumorous growth in the center of the bowelarium.

Q has one last thing they need to take care of before their untimely demise: change their name one last time. For this most climactic of battles, Q discloses to the party their real name: Jamie Mellerel. Related out-of-character note: the player behind Q/Jamie had established this secret at the very beginning of the campaign and kept this secret for literally the entire campaign specifically for this moment. That's some dedication!

Anyway, Jamie casts true strike on Norozogaan to learn of its defenses and weaknesses, because now is not the time to be taking chances and accidentally healing this demon lord of filth by attacking with the wrong damage type. Speaking of filth... Did you know that the word "filth" is really hard for me to spell today? Because I have literally misspelled it as "filfth" or "filf" every time I have written the word.

But yeah, y'all are here for the combat play by play, not my humorous misspellings. So let's cut to Luck blasting a chaos bolt across the map to protect Hilaria from a mob of maw demons. The damage was going to be acid at first, but it turned into pure force that accelerated the mass of the affected maw demons until they exploded, particle-accelerator style.

Norozogaan has morphed into a what appears to be five separate pseudopods that can move independently of each other. Tweazle busts out the his gift from Asmodeus received for his compassion to the Lord of the Nine Hells: that scroll of Meteor Swarm. Big ol' flaming balls of fire rain down on the floating crystal and the mobs of demons encroaching on the B-team, and finishes off his turn by launching a magic arrow into one of the pseudopods. One of the meteor blasts knocks Anaxilas off a narrow ledge and flings him into corrosive bile at the bottom of the tumor's pit. Das Cornelius (yep, we still got all the Cornelius clones in the fight) smashes his warhammer into the hordes of maw demons. "I am zee popcorn!" he yells as the maw demons explode into viscera.

Norm straps on the wings of flying to rescue Anaxilas, but is hit mid-flight with one of Norozogaan's corrupting acid lashes. Two large tusks suddenly grow from Norm's mouth. The pseudopods merge together and form the version of Norozogaan that the B-team was fighting earlier. Yula unloads on some of the demons with Eldritch Blast, sending one of them toppling over the edge into the river of bile. Die and Deuce Cornelius augment their warhammers with magical effects to lay the hurt on the demons. Lightning Lure even got a moment to tug one of those fiendish creatures to a corrosive death in the pit.

Spleenifer casts Find Greater Steed and Tony Bear Androgen the Pegasus appears. It's time to fly! Meanwhile, Hilaria is running up the slippery stone steps from the lower portions of the bowelarium. She slashes one of the demons in half with her mighty sword before throwing axes at some other nearby demons. Three demons are slaughtered by thrown axes before she even passes by, one demon for every axe thrown.

Norozogaan belches forth a bile blast at Tony Bear in flight, but the attack misses. Large flying ants begin climbing out of cracks in the ground. They zip through the air and then each of the ants lets loose the most heinous fart imaginable. The air quality gets worse in the bowelarium and our heroes have to make a concerted effort to keep fighting in spite of the stink. In case you were wondering, these little buggers are called Flatulants, and yes, I made up and statted a new enemy specifically for that joke.

Jamie absolutely obliterates Norozogaan with vicious mockery, proving once again that words can hurt. Anaxilas climbs the tumor and shoves the floating crystal away. Anaxilas believes the crystal can focus energy that can directly harm Norozogaan's essence, but he's going to need help getting the crystal into position. Lucky teleports herself, Jamie, Tony Bear, and Spleenifer to grab a grab the decanter of endless water and get to safety. She's got a plan, and it's about to go down. Tweazle is sickened by the stench, but manages to summon a water elemental and fend off some more of the maw demons. Melboarne enters the fray behind Tweazle and provides Pumbaa-style combat assistance. Das Cornelius and one of the Minimum Bidets toss a winch down to help lift the crystal out of the pit. Norm slips Anaxilas a potion of growth (no, not that kind of potion) and Anaxilas hulks out. Yula tries to magically hold a monster, but the aura of filth (I MISSPELLED IT AGAIN!) gets the better of Yula's casting. Tony Bear Androgeno and Spleenifer go on an aerial offensive against Norozogaan, and Deuce Cornelius slaps a warding bond on Spleenifer to make sure she doesn't suffer from any ill effects from her mount's extended warranty being expired.

The stench emanating from Norozogaan is overwhelming this close up, and even though Spleenifer has a certain tolerance for stinky things, she's dangerously close to blowing chunks. Lucky's luck rubbed off on her, though, and a flash of genius from one of the other Cornelii kept Spleenifer safe long enough to unleash a divine smite on the foul creature that is Norozogaan. The smack does damage, but Norozogaan is able to mostly shake it off and retaliates with a warping acid lash against Yula.

Yula ends up sprouting a pair of wings and gains a flying speed. But you wanna know the even weirder part about those wings? They're both feathery and leathery. In the sense that all the feathers on the wings are actually made of pieces of feather-shaped leather. Sorry, going off on cool tangents again. Anyway, Hilaria is still cleaving her way through demons to reunite with Lucky. You'd think those demons would learn by now to not mess with the lady carrying the sword and axes, but alas, the educational opportunities for demons appear to be less than adequate when it comes to addressing those concepts. More Flatulants emerge from the ground and fart, poisoning the air further. It's getting almost to the point of suffocation here, but it doesn't seem to bother Norozogaan. The demon lashes out a lot, but ultimately whiffs all of the attacks. Lucky activates The Plan.

She triggers a wild magic surge that grants her +1 temporary hit points and puts an arrow over Lucky's head that always points to the left, then casts Time Stop. Now she's got time stopped for three turns. She casts wall of stone to make a wide and flat bridge that covers up the holes the Flatulants are coming out of, unstoppers the decanter of endless water and sets it to Geyser Mode aimed at some of the precariously-positioned trash mobs, and finally casts Mass Suggestion on all the remaining enemies with the command phrase "Clean up." All the remaining minions start tidying up, because a clean bowelarium is a happy bowelarium. Or something.

The Brownstone Bugle: Sunday Septimber 27 Edishun (2021-10-24)

Curious about some of the other stuff that goes on in the town of Brownstone? Here are some of the headlines from this week in the adventure!

[image shows a sign covered in a several brown splatters]

Sorry, but we are currently sold out.

Sunday September 27 (midmorning)

The B-Team is back in action on the day of the eclipse that is foretold to herald the rise of Norozogaan. Hilaria, Yula and Cornelius are present and accounted for, though Cornelius is more present and accounted for than the other two members of the party. You see, Cornelius went to Miss Mavis for a little magical recuperation from the corn curse, but it turned out to be something that was slightly beyond the abilities of the stalwart proprietor of Antiquities and Iniquities. Cornelius ended up split into three different versions of himself, all corn-based. So we've got three Corneliuses (Cornelii?) in the party today. To keep track of them, they adopted different prefixes to names: Das, Deuce, and Die (rhymes with 'spree'). As a consequence of Multiple Cornelius Syndrome, Maximum Bidet was scavenged for parts and now there are three smaller porcelain golems, each named Minimum Bidet.

But I digress! While the party is trying to rustle up some allies, Barry Astorio shows up outside SHART HQ. He tells the party that he's been living a lie and that he wishes to redeem himself by being on the right side of history for once. Barry Astorio confesses to being Anaxilas in disguise, and even takes off his shirt to prove his point. The party feigns surprise at this plot development as Anaxilas announces a plan to enter through the portal to Norozogaan's lair and defeat the foul demon or die trying. And since the party is made up of some relatively potent warriors who have not succumbed to the stupid juice, he asks the party for assistance in this mission that they almost assuredly won't come back from.

It is decided that the party will help Anaxilas in his quest, though Yula's help is contingent on being able to book a romantic evening with Norbert, Anaxilas's husband. It's not exactly the kind of terms he was hoping for, though the possibility of success is remote enough that he agrees to not stand in the way of Yula's advances should the party succeeds. Anaxilas refuses to consent on Norbert's behalf, because well... That just opens up a whole 'nother can of worms about relationship topics that we won't touch on here. But the deal is reached, pending Norbert's future consent for "companionship" with Yula. The rest of the party is fine with material wealth and stuff as a reward, you know, as adventurers are apt to do.

The party will reconvene in an hour to say farewells, get final affairs in order, and also buy adventuring gear. Hilaria makes some sensible preparations for combat readiness like sharpening blades and Yula does nothing for the hour because other people will probably take care of all those pesky details that servants are hired for. The Cornelii tinker with their machines and have an extended debate about the likely reproductive behaviors of corn-based Cornelii. They eventually determine that the most likely method of Cornelius reproduction is asexually via corn stalks (don't question their wisdom, please, because they will draw charts and diagrams and you do not want to see the cross-section of an intranodal germination meniscus).

Once the preparations are complete, everyone sets out for the pass in the mountains that look like a butt: Mount Mensdover and Mount Densmover. The gnomes named the mountains as a prank to make the surface-dwellers sound silly and confused, so the sooner we all accept that, the sooner we can get on the road. Got it? Good.

The journey to the mountain is uneventful, though as the party nears the base of the mountains, some sort of encampment is spotted. Yula flies into the sky to investigate because walking is for weak people and people who can't afford to be carried. The flight reveals some unpleasant reconnaissance: five fiends are readying catapults full of filth, and the mountain streams that normally flow into the Montclare River appear to be dammed and polluted with stuff that's probably not Ovaltine. But Yula's presence in the sky is soon detected, and the devil is hit by a filthy payload from one of the catapults.

Deuce Cornelius casts warding bond on all his fellow corns and prepares for battle. Yula understands some of the shouting from the fiends at the catapult, and they're shouting "unleash the dam!" in Abyssal. This information gets relayed to the party in languages that the rest of the members can actually understand. The stream is loosed from its confinements and a torrent of disgusting liquid races toward the party.

Hilaria grabs a nearby boulder and braces herself behind it, diverting the stream around the boulder. The Cornelii collaborate together as only magical corn clones can and use their respective flashes of genius to help the other corns avoid a terrible fate in the filthy water. Deuce Cornelius also casts an aura of vitality around Yula to take some of the sting off the catapult hit, and readies Longstrider to cast on himself, Hilaria, and Yula.

From Hilaria's vantage point behind the boulder she yells to the demons "COME DOWN HERE AND FIGHT ME HONORABLY!" And Hilaria's skill at taunting combatants in the gladiatorial ring comes in handy, because one of those demons rushes down the mountain and lunges at her with its gross and abominable turdy claws. Hilaria responds to the threat with a swing of her mighty sword. "My claws are bigger," she says as she cleaves into the demon.

Das Cornelius is lagging behind on the ascent, but he mounts Minimum Bidet and casts Jump on it, allowing him to ascend the mountain quickly. As soon as the party reaches melee range for the demon encampment, two of the demons jump into the portal to warn whatever is on the other side. Die Cornelius casts Lightning Lure and drags one of the fiends toward him, while Yula blasts out an upcast Scorching Ray that sends six rays at the demons.

Anaxilas manages to kill one of the demons, but one of the shadow tendrils guarding to portal slams into the ground and knocking Anaxilas prone. One of the other demons manages to grapple Yula in its turdy tail, but Die Cornelius uses Booming Blade to kill the grappler. Hilaria attacks one of the tendrils, but that only seems to make it angrier. It starts flailing its tendrils around, trying to grapple anything that it can. The Cornelii collective deploy their respective Minimum Bidets in the tendril attack to draw some of the fire away from the party. Die Cornelius and Anaxilas are pulled into the portal by the tendrils. Deuce Cornelius pops off a bunch of corn kernels from his body and summons a barrage against the opponents. In a show of corn-solidarity, Das Cornelius yells "Von Tinkelvasser!" and runs into the portal. Deuce Cornelius follows on his Minimum Bidet moments later. Hilaria is the last one to enter the portal, doing so only after making sure everything is suitably dead.

On the other side of the portal is the foul lair of Norozogaan: the Bowelarium. It has all the decorative sensibilities of a cancerous colon but none of the charm. The smell's so bad in here that it's hard to breathe. Norozogaan is taunting the party while a giant crystal of some kind floats above a tumorous growth the size of a house.

The Brownstone Bugle: Sunday Septimber 27 Edishun (2021-10-17)

Curious about some of the other stuff that goes on in the town of Brownstone? Here are some of the headlines from this week in the adventure!

Announsement and Eventz

Today is my last day at the paper because I quit to make more time for new frend. Erky is okay but not as fun as new frend will be.

If you need help to find out if it is dark sun time, look straight at the sun. It is not time if it looks like this: [white circle] But it is time for the new frend if the sun looks like this: [black circle]

Also I found out how to add pictures to the newspaper again. You just have to yell at the newspaper what you want the picture to be before it gets copied.

Outhouse Watch!

TODAY IS DARK SUN DAY AND THAT MEENS WE GET A NEW FREND FROM THE MOUNTAIN!

Constabulls Logbook

September 25 (Friday mid-morning)

Several days later, there's still no sign of the famed group of SHART members and SHART associates. Three members of the B-Team have assembled in front of SHART HQ in hopes of finding the missing people and stop this plague of Stupid Juice. Yula is once again here and forced to play on the side of good (for some definitions of "good"), while Yasheira Jassan (the current leader of the Order of the Immaculate Shadow), and Cornelius von Tinkelvasser (still half-gnome, half-corn, all weird) have answered the call of heroism today. There is no answer when the party knocks on the door of SHART HQ, but a looming form materializes nearby. It's the Ferryman of the underworld!

"How many fingers am I holding up?" the Ferryman asks.

Yasheira hesitates for a moment before answering what appears to be an extremely obvious question. "Three."

Relief washes over the Ferryman's face at the answer. He's been using variations of that question on all the people in the area to try to find people that are smart enough (read: not lost in the sauce of stupid juice) to capture some spirits who have fled the Nine Hells while the River Styx was exposed to the surface world of Brownstone. The Ferryman can't capture these spirits himself because they like to possess people, and when a spirit is controlling someone, the Ferryman can't tell where the soul is located once it possesses someone. Plus straight-up murdering a bunch of people just because they might be harboring a fugitive spirit in their body isn't really on-brand with the Ferryman. A Ferryman's gotta have standards, you know?

Since the party is currently made up of the smartest people for miles around, the Ferryman makes them an offer: recapture the fugitive souls, and the Ferryman will come their aid when the time of death draws near. That's all well and good, but since it's hard for Yula to die in the conventional sense as long as he's on the Material Plane, he demands monetary compensation as well. The Ferryman sighs and accepts the offer.

The party asks where the last known location of the fugitive phantasms is, and the Ferryman points toward the building used by the Reformed Church of the Dragon. He also gives the party five special wristbands to aid them in their hunt. Anyone wearing one of those special wristbands is protected from being possessed, but it also works in reverse. If you're possessed and wearing a wristband, that spirit is stuck inside you until the wristband comes off.

With that little bit of mechanical lore dump completed, the party struts through the door to the church. Unsurprisingly there are a lot of currently stupid people milling about inside. These people are filthy and incredibly dehydrated as they don't seem to know how doors work. People are passed out in and under the pews, completely oblivious to the freedom opportunities proper use of a door affords. Something that sounds like someone pounding for help on the other side of the wall at the back of the sanctuary.

The party cautiously draws near to the source of the sound and Cornelius notices a coin slot in the wall just off the sanctuary. Cornelius ties a string to a gold piece and drops the coin in the slot. The coin hits the bottom with a satisfying thunk and Cornelius yanks the coin right back out. "Thank you for your donation to the church," a voice says and a section of wall opens to reveal an entire casino hidden inside the walls of the church. SEEMS SUSPICIOUS, BUT I'LL ALLOW IT.

Inside the casino are another group of people, almost (but not quite) as dehydrated as the people in the sanctuary. As soon as the party is inside the casino, the wall slams shut and trap everyone once again. Cornelius heads straight for a row of delightfully mechanical contraptions known as "slot machines" and ends up getting a sizable payout of 33GP. "I AM NOW ZE RICH CORN!" Cornelius exclaims.

A wererat slinks into the room asks Cornelius if they can have Cornelius's winnings in exchange for a hug. When Cornelius determines that no single hug is worth a month's worth of gold, he declines the wererat's offer. The wererat is surprised, because this ruse has worked with all the other stupid people in the casino thus far. It appears that not drinking the stupid juice has put a wrinkle in the whatever plan the wererats were using, so the wererat spills the beans on what they are trying to accomplish.

The wererat mentions that the Reformed Church of the Dragon has several "charitable" ventures beyond the church that are in pursuit of profit. The casino is one of those ventures, but less well known is the Briamat Grr'Spiamat Manor for Lycanthromorphologically Labile Unfortunates. Yes, the name is really that long, and the facility shares some walls with the church and casino. The BGMFLLU (I'm not spelling out the whole name again because DAYUM) is basically a long-term dormitory for were-creatures, only with the caveat that the residents are basically forced into indentured servitude. The wererats are trying to amass all the gold they can from the patrons at the casino under the sway of the stupid juice in an attempt to buy their freedom.

But now there are are some ghosts trying to steal the gold that the wererats have toiled away to separate from its original owners.

A very sturdy and thoroughly inebriated-looking man who is definitely lost in the stupid juice suddenly slams his meaty fist on the bartop across the casino. "I WANT JUICE!" the man bellows. The party tries to ignore the man at first, but he's getting steadily more agitated.

Before the scene can devolve into actual significant violence, Yasheira leaps into action and through the incapacitates the guy with acupuncture. He falls to the ground and snoozes peacefully. "Can you show us the ghosts?" she says.

The wererats take the party to a storeroom that is filled with a human-sized pile of gold, and explain along the way that all the were-creatures who are on duty in the casino cannot leave until Jrr'all Oshtreeth (everyone's favorite hypocritical dragonborn "faith leader" with the toupee) allows them to do so. And even if they could leave willingly, they aren't going anywhere until they can pay off their indentured servitude.

Along with the pile of gold in the store room are several ghosts that are squabbling over the pile of treasure. Yasheira lights some sage and attempts to purify the area of unclean spirits. These spirits can't be banished outright by the sage, but it is enough to make them uncomfortable if the sage gets close.

Yula notices that the ghosts seem to be fixating on a particular part of the pile, with most of their ethereal squabbling focusing on a single coin.

"Why do you want ze coin?" Cornelius asks as one of the spirits becomes temporarily corporeal and grabs the coin.

"It calls to us from beyond," is the cryptic reply. Looks like this is going to be turning into some sort of moth-and-flame scenario if the party doesn't do anything. Combat begins, as does Ray Parker Jr.'s iconic theme song from Ghostbusters. Yula unleashes some Eldritch Blasts for cover while Yasheira (and this is literally what my scribbled notes of the encounter said) "roundhouse kicks the shit out of the ghost and sends it flying into the wall."

Cornelius similarly smacks the ghosties, though using his magically-infused warhammer. The ghostly equivalent of severe blunt-force trauma crunches into the ghost. Somebody better be calling this attack "Maxwell, the Silver Hammer," or else I'm going to be disappointed.

The party convinces the wererats to let the party take the one particular coin that the ghosts are after and attempt to dispose of it. Losing one tiny bit of treasure as opposed to being constantly attacked by ghosts for the rest of the near future seems to be an agreeable proposition, and the wererats show the party to the employees-only service exit (that the wererats can't go through because of Jrr'all Oshtreeth's blasted magic hasn't allowed a shift change yet).

More ghosts appear along the journey, each one drawn to the inscrutable allure of the coin, but they are quickly dispatched. The party is able to make contact with the Ferryman once they are outside the casino and toss the coin to the Ferryman. The Ferryman explains that this particular coin is an artifact that crafted long ago to evade the Ferryman and those who judge the spirits of the dead. Whenever someone holds it, they are invisible to the Ferryman and can cross freely between the lands of the dead and the living (though they still must cross over the River Styx somehow to do so). And that's why the ghosts wanted it so badly.

Anyway, the Ferryman takes the coin and baits the sneaky specters into coming to him, and the adventure concludes for the evening.

Stay tuned next time for more!

The Brownstone Bugle: Friday Septimber 25 Edishun (2021-10-09)

Curious about some of the other stuff that goes on in the town of Brownstone? Here are some of the headlines from this week in the adventure!

Announsement and Eventz

Calendar say that today is Auction Day or whatever that means. I do not know who Auction is or why they need a birthday party every week. If you no how to use money to buy things, pleez help teech Henrietta Pippenpier the haffling how to get stuff. Also pleez teech peepel how to accept money because most of us do not no how it works since the Tingle Water dried up.

Outhouse Watch!

SOON WE R GONNA HAVE A NEW BEST FREND! ONLY 1 + 1 SLEEPS UNTIL THE SUN GO DARK AND NEW FREND SHOW UP! DO NOT NO THE NUMBER THAT COME AFTER 1 SLEEP THO

Constabulls Logbook

What is supposed to go heer in this section? I don't want to leev it blank so here is a line that is really funny to me

(a solid black diagonal line is displayed under this headline item)

Here is an even more funny line

September 22 (Tuesday afternoon)

It's been a good while since the usual heroes of Brownstone have been seen. About four days, for those keeping count, and that's a long-ass time to be without heroes to save the town when there's a broken river, a stupid juice epidemic, and demon lord coming. Naturally, a few of the more capable townsfolk take on the task of protecting the town. This is the story of The B-Team.

Today's adventurers are Hilaria, the capable fighter from the Brownstone Fighters Guild; Robin Stormblossom, animal rescuer and proprietor of Stormblossom Ranch; and Yula, the deputy errand-runner Asmodeus put in charge slaying Norozogaan. Each of these individuals has managed to avoid serious contact with the stupid juice that's ravaging the town, and are thus still in control of their mental faculties.

Hilaria has ensured that the members of the fighters guild have had their weapons forcibly peace-bonded to prevent deadly fights from breaking out among the populace. It's also easier than it sounds, because just tying a string around weapons keeps nearly everyone from using the weapons to cause carnage.

The party then ventures to the Montclare River that has since had a giant hole ripped through its riverbed that goes all the way to the River Styx. Spirits and souls are periodically escaping from the underworld through the chasm in the river, and and fresh water from the Montclare River is unable to reach most of the town now because it's now flowing into the underworld. In order to solve both problems, the river's gonna have to get patched up somehow.

A collection of stupefied townsfolk have gathered at the river where water is still accessible and are having a nice drink while pretending to be animals. Well, it's less of a pretending and more of a "concept of personhood has been replaced with the notion of being a domesticated animal." One of the commoners puts his index fingers to his forehead like bull horns and charges another person, knocking the person into the river... the very same river that's about fall straight into the underworld.

Hilaria rigs up a lasso and wrangles the struggling soggy commoner, while Robin attempts to converse with these "animals" to resolve the aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, "Speak With Animals" doesn't quite work when the animal in question is actually a human. Robin still gets an earful from the bull, it's just "Moo, moo, MOOO!"

Robin's Speak With Animals spell was not wasted, though, as a nearby family of beavers (yes, actual beavers) was near enough to overhear. And those industrious beavers are a tad judgy.

"These folks are stupid," the head beaver says. "All these people are trying to eat the trees and the grass, and they don't even have the right teeth."

Yula is busy not listening to the blah-blah-blah of lesser people and just casts Charm on a whole bunch of the people on the riverbank. Several of the people believe they are cows, though there is at least one beaver-impersonator in the mix. Yula declares that the animals shall all be named Matthieu and stashed in the stables to deal with later.

The aggressive bull-person is stubborn enough that he avoids getting charmed. He puts his fingers up to his head and charges Robin this time. Robin stands their ground and avoids getting shoved by the full brunt of the bull-person's power (which, be fair, was pretty strong for a commoner).

Hilaria is the one who eventually cracks the problem with a little bait and switch. Everyone who goes back "home" to the stables will get an extra serving of Tingle Water AKA Stupid Juice. But when the bull-person suddenly charges toward the rest of the herd, Robin tries a lasso of their own to prevent injury to the other members of the herd.

Although the lasso secured the target, some of the rope got tangled around Robin. Now Robin's gotta run with the herd to avoid getting dragged behind. Robin tries to leap onto the bull-person's back as the herd begins to stampede back to the stables, but they don't quite make it and end up having to run awkwardly alongside the bull-person the rest of the way to the stables.

Once the stampede reaches the stable enclosure, one of the cow people unlatch the gate and then latch themselves back in the grazing pen. Robin is finally able to remove the lasso, but they also notice a person who is gnawing on the wooden railings of the enclosure. Hilaria tosses piece of cheese from her rations to the person to see if the person thinks they are a rat. When the cheese is ignored, the party determines that this is likely a beaver-person.

Robin distracts the beaver-person with stick while Hilaria wrestles them and shoves a fighter's mouth guard into the beaver-person's mouth to save their teeth from gnawing on wood. Now that the people hazards have been dealt with, it's time to work on fixing the chasm in the riverbed!

Speak With Animals is still active, so Robin talks shop with the beavers. The actual beavers have a sizable dam that is partially obstructing the river, but it would take several more weeks to build something that can actually stop the river. But you know what they say about projects like that... Just throw more beavers at the problem!

Giant Beavers (as an aside, we just used the giant badger stat block for this) get summoned with Conjure Animals to lay waste to the trees and block of the river. Water flowing through the dam is purified through the charcoal of a burned tree that was included in the dam, and the flow is reduced enough to set to work repairing the chasm.

More Giant Beavers are summoned, this time to burrow and pack earth into a scaffolding for a new riverbed. It takes a bit, but a scaffolding of dead trees and mud allows the party to cast a boatload of mending and mold earth spells to restore the riverbed to a functional state again.

The Brownstone Bugle: Toozday Septimber 22 Edishun (2021-10-03)

Curious about some of the other stuff that goes on in the town of Brownstone? Here are some of the headlines from this week in the adventure!

Announsement and Eventz

THE BIG EVENT IS ALMOST HERE WHERE THE SUN GOES DARK AND WE WILL GET A NEW BEST FREND WHO WILL BRING US WATER EVEN MOOR TINGLY THAN BEFORE. JUST THIS MANY MORE SLEEPS UNTIL OUR NEW BEST FREND: |||||

Outhouse Watch!

Lissen careful to the voices in the tingle water. Voices tell you what to do to get reddy for the big event. Just becuz you do not see the Outhouse Frend does not meen the Frend is not there.

Constabull's Logbook

Someone is putting not-tingle water in the river. The flavor has changed, so stop doing that.

If you are now an animal after lots of tingle water, pleez stop breaking walls. Walls here to keep us safe and keep roof over head.

Monday Sept 21 (hot as Hell, see what I did there?)

Welcome to another day in the Nine Hells! Lucky is back with the party, though she was delayed for some time by Nessus border security. Every time she made it to the front of the line, she'd fail a security patdown and get sent to the back of the line. After three times, the border security devils changed the alarm sound on the diner, and two times after that, they just forcibly ejected her to the topmost Avernus, the topmost layer of the Nine Hells, to be someone else's problem.

The rest of the party includes Q (who is Fuego today), Tweazel (with trusty companion Melboarne), Spleenifer (currently duckless), and two security escorts provided by Asmodeus (mid-level devils stuck with babysitting today). A river of maw demons appears over a ridge and waddles with both great menace and great speed toward the party. The security detail rushes forward to combat this threat, but they are quickly overrun. Before the devils succumbed to the demonic swarm, they urged the party to run away and find reinforcements. A group of devils should be nearby on a mission to retake the fallen Fort Belakzaar, and the party makes haste toward the direction the devils pointed. Well everybody but Tweazle and Melboarne, that is, because Melboarne charged off in a random direction with Tweazle unable to regain control. We'll catch up to him at some point in the future, though. Probably.

As for the rest of the party, they soon see the ruins of a fort in the distance, and catapulted boulders begin hurling through the air toward the party. "Duck!" Fuego yells before the boulders come crashing into the ground. Naturally, Lucky responds by turning into a duck. A devil is fleeing the ruins of the fort and stops as soon as the devil sees the party appears armed and capable. The devil introduces themself as Imperator Harrakses and gets straight to business: "You got any murderin' skills, recruits?"

Lucky quacks in agreement while the rest of the party uses functioning lips to form words that express the same sentiment as Lucky. Fuego uses vicious mockery to call one of the demons a wrinkly ballsack, which causes it to explode. Spleenifer, Tweazle, and Melboarne scream and charge into the fray. Yeah, I know it's not necessarily words being expressed, but the sentiment is there.

More demons begin to surge forth from the ruins of the fort. Lucky casts chaos bolt while still in duck form, which triggers a wild magic surge. Several demons get dissolved to death by the chaos bolt's acid damage, and now Lucky the Duck makes thunderous and intimidating sounds with each plop of her little webbed feet.

Everyone is gonna get splatted if those catapults keep firing, so Spleenifer casts Summon Greater Steed to get a Pegasus. A Pegasus named Tony Bear Androgeno appears in all the chaos and Spleenifer takes to the sky. Lucky the Duck is still stomping around and chaos bolting, terrifying and/or exterminating swaths of the demon swarm. More boulders soar through the smoky air, narrowly missing our imperiled protagonists.

As Spleenifer soars over the teeming sea of lesser demons, a large gorilla-looking demon (a barlgura, for those keeping score at home) leaps from the top of the fort's ruined battlements and tries to grab Spleenifer and Tony. The barlgura misses, and as it falls to the ground, Spleenifer unleashes an attack of opportunity. Does a 23 hit the falling gorilla demon thingy? YOU BETCHA! A devastating smite rips across its fiendish flesh.

By now, the supply of boulders has been exhausted and another wave of lesser demons spreads out across the battlefield to recover the heavy ammunition. There are still more than enough of these minions still at the catapults to cause trouble for the party, though. Some of the demons load themselves into the catapult and yeet themselves at the party members.

One of the munchkin minions manages to make contact with Tony Bear Androgeno and grapples the pegasus. Minor turbulence during the flight is experienced, but Spleenifer bashes the demon with her quarterstaff and stabilizes things.

Imperator Harrakses creates a diversion for the party but ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time as a Goristro (imagine a werewolf crossed with a minotaur and a really ugly face) gores them with its horns and slings the Imperator like a ragdoll into a crumbling tower. Fuego messes with the goristro's head with some of their trademark Vicious Mockery, giving the Imperator a chance to recover and escape.

Lucky has since reverted to her normal form and has managed to breach the defenses at the base of the fort and reach the catapults. The remaining barlgura casts Entangle at Lucky, but she handily counterspells the effect. Several minion who have not yet yeeted themselves into the sky lunge at Lucky, but she mistakes their actions for an attempt at a high-five and causes the whole swarm of attacks to miss. She then casts Mass Suggestion on the minions and demands that the minions help her out with the catapults.

The goristro charges at the Imperator again, but Fuego's prior actions cause it to miss and a dazed Harrakses is able to roll out of the way. A fresh batch of boulders makes it to the top of the fort and the minions rain boulders down upon the goristro. It looks like the tide is beginning to turn in the party's favor!

A distant horn blares near the horizon. It's the Infernal Cavalry! All the party has too do is hold on for just a little bit longer and the reinforcements will be here! Spells and smites and verbal slights ring out across the battlefield as the party holds their position and the cavalry sweeps up the last of the intruders. Fort Belakzaar is back under Infernal control!

The adventure concludes for the evening as the Infernal Cavalry begin rebuilding the fort's defenses. And Lucky's Mass Suggestion is still in effect for a while longer, so the demon minions put to task gathering boulders and practicing their aim until the spell wears off. But while they are still under they influence, the remaining minions are renamed "The French Idiot Orchestra" after a legendary country of idiots from extraplanar mythology.

The Dirty Devil Dispatch (2021-09-19)

Delightful Details From Down Home For Distant Devils Destroying Demons Monday September 21

Curious about some of the other stuff that goes on in the town of Brownstone? Here are some of the headlines from this week in the adventure!

FORT BELAKZAAR FALLS

The strategically-important Fort Belakzaar has fallen to demonic forces and reinforcements are needed to help keep the hordes of gaining too much ground. Without the bottleneck that Fort Belakzaar provides against overland assaults, we will be required to station a significant number of units in the surrounding areas. These units will be for defense only, as we cannot take back Fort Belakzaar without the aid of volunteers, "volunteers," or units that have not otherwise been assigned to a combat zone. Contact your local garrison leader if you wish to volunteer!

TACTICAL SALVAGERS WANTED

One of Mephisto's War Machines has been lost in combat in the Field of Thorns. Any soldier who successfully recovers the War Machine will be given priority for a promotion, as well as material wealth. Do your part and prevent demons from getting their weird little hands on our weapons!

DEVIL CAPTURED BY FIENDISH PATROL

Signifier Zekirna of the 4th Cohort of the 282nd Infernal Legion was captured in a skirmish against several fiends. Sig. Zekirna's whereabouts are currently unknown, but any information that directly leads to Sig. Zekirna's successful recovery will be rewarded handsomely. Sig. Zekirna is believed to be alive at this time, but divination efforts have not managed to confirm this viewpoint.

FUN TIMES AHEAD AT FLAMEZ CLUB

For those of you alive at the end of today's battles, join us for a round of drinking, gambling, and even some light torturing of sentient beings! No cover charge for active duty members, and only 1 silver piece per head for everyone else.

TODAY'S MILITARY WORK SONG

Infernal General Summoning Cards

Sunday Sept 20 (evening)

After getting launched down the well, Lucky gets separated from the party while everyone is traveling constantly-changing River Styx. The rest of the party is picked up by a patrol boat from the Nessus Department of Customs, Security, and Taxation and dropped off at the border office. A huge devil named Doyle is working on paperwork for the day's confiscation reports, and asks the party to remain behind a line on the floor while conducting business. The party tries to tell Doyle that they have an appointment with Asmodeus, but the name the appointment is under is not recorded properly in the logbooks. Eventually it is discovered that the appointment was booked under SHART's contact information at 1-800-SHARTED.

"What business do you have with Asmodeus?" the devil asks.

The short version is that they are to deliver a beverage befitting a king, and also helping alleviate some of that damnable constipation. Doyle wonders aloud why he shouldn't just kill everyone and take the loot to Asmodeus himself and potentially earn a promotion instead.

Razzle attempts to intimidate Doyle with their didgeriboop, but fiend is not swayed. Not a bit. Tweazle attempts to put a toe over the line, but Doyle readies a fireball in response and Tweazle's toe goes straight back to the right side of the line.

Spleenifer attempts to bribe Doyle for safe passage with be mentioning that they are in possession of a powerful intoxicant that they would be willing to part with. The intoxicant in question is actually just one of Spleenifer's tithes, and not a drug at all. Doyle calls her bluff and asks her to demonstrate the intoxicating qualities of the substance. Spleenifer jams a stinky finger up her nose, but doesn't manage to pull off the ruse successfully.

Razzle interjects and mentions that there is a whole ritual that goes with the drug and that Spleenifer was too blunt in the endeavor. They position Spleenifer's stinky finger below Razzle's nose and waft it like a fine wine. Razzle manages to keep lunch down long enough begin the actual deception. They lay it on thick, acting properly intoxicated.

Doyle's impressed at the possibilities such a narcotic possesses, and is willing to allow the party to pass through safely. Provided that they give up a few more hits of that precious drug. And some gold, too. The party contributes 3 gold and a single copper piece with the explanation that all of the money got spent on the drugs. Doyle gives them the side-eye, but allows them to pass through the portal to Asmodeus's chamber.

The portal strips the party of their iceberg appearance and deposits everyone in a luxurious infirmary. There are fountains and greenery and quality marble everywhere, but only one of the many beds is occupied. Asmodeus is writhing on his back in pain with a horribly distended belly, and Tweazle steps forward to drop the whole mug (yes, including the mug itself) into Asmodeus's open mouth.

Something starts moving inside Asmodeus's engorged belly. Asmodeus howls in agony, and Spleenifer readies her staff with Banishing Smite. The divine energy of Lathander channeled through the staff forces the foul blockage out onto the floor.

A pulsating umbilical cord of sorts is still connected to Asmodeus, and the horse-sized pile of poop begins to form a disgusting face. Moments later, the pile begins to speak in a horrible gurgle. It announces that it is to be called Assmadeuce and declares itself to be the child of Norozogaan, the demon lord of filth.

Naturally, combat begins in earnest at this point. Razzle tosses out some sweet jams to boost morale, which allows Spleenifer to continue her smiting. Tweazle narrowly avoids getting blasted by Assmadeuce's bile attack, and strikes back with a lightning arrow that severs the umbilical cord between Assmadeuce and Asmodeus. A putrid man-sized nugget of fecal ferocity emerges from where the umbilical was severed.

Assmadeuce unleashes a flesh-warping attack against Tweazle, Melboarne, and the elephant. Once the damage kicks in, the elephant gets wings and takes to the air, Melboarne's legs become different lengths, and Tweazle gets darkvision. Moments later, Spleenifer gets charmed by Assmadeuce and makes her try to banish Razzle back to the Material Plane. But Razzle is able to avoid the effects of the banishment, so at least we're good on that front!

The elephant gets hit with a bile attack while it attempted to dive bomb Assmadeus, resulting in the death of the elephant. However, the elephant was directly over Assmadeuce when it died... Meaning a huge corpse from an elephant just fell from a height of 35 feet and nearly killed Assmadeuce.

More thunder damage finally destroys Assmadeuce, but it causes the nugget to split into two. Razzle uses Thunderwave and Vicious Mockery to destroy the nuggets. Due to the unfortunate placement of Tweazle's fire elemental, the exploding nuggets pass through the fire elemental and turn into a shower of flaming poop dust. Spleenifer manages to capture a sample in her holy book, though, so that's good.

Tweazle heals everyone, even Asmodeus. This gesture of benevolence results in Asmodeus gifting Tweazle a spell scroll of Meteor Swarm. The rest of the party is gifted with three special cards that can summon some of Hell's Infernal Generals to aid the party in their struggle. Asmodeus also gifts everyone in SHART (present or not) 10,000 platinum pieces.

Once the party gets a chance to rest, they will be sent up to Avernus, the topmost layer of the Nine Hells. There they must cross that realm and the Blood River to reach the Material Plane and eventually travel through the Shadow Spire to fight Norozogaan in the Abyss. If anyone can do it, it's gonna be these people!

Nessus Department of Customs, Security, and Taxation (2021-09-11)

Curious about some of the other stuff that goes on in the town of Brownstone? Here are some of the headlines from this week in the adventure!

Today’s Threat Level (Sun. Sept. 20): SEVERE

Estimated Value of Today’s Forfeiture’s: $2,176,000 GP

Remain behind the line unless asked.

For your safety, please respond to all questions truthfully.

You may be asked to demonstrate declared hazardous items on your person.

You don’t get through NDCST without permission.

Sudden, secretive, or perceived demonic movements will be met with hostility.

Both the quality and quantity of forfeitures will be used to determine how easy your border crossing will be.

Border crossing times will vary based on the day’s Threat Level.

Employee of the Moth for September

Dreadful Turgus

Your Forfeitures Pay For:

Demon slaughters

Road Work

Treasure hoard construction

Education opportunities

Bribery

Soul bargaining

Do your part to fund continued success of the Nine Hells!

Sunday Sept 20 (Freezing and windy)

As befitting a treacherous existence in a frozen hellscape, today's weather is appropriately cold and windy. Q decides to go by Razzle today, and Lucky recoveres from being a plush cat. Of course, Lucky has a few questions about the current situation: "Why is there an elephant?"

When the elephant is explained away via Tweazle's abbreviated backstory, the next obvious question comes out: "Wait, he was in a bikini?"

It should also be noted that Lucky is not entirely aware this is Hell. As far as she's aware, this is just the Frozen North (tm). She's never been that far north, so it's probably definitely the North. Now that the party has been successfully reconstituted, it's time to burn some spell slots on Fire Elementals and trek across the wastes to find treasure! And also complete their primary mission of making it through this layer of the Nine Hells.

After an hour of travel, an ominous howl cuts through the wind. The party continues cautiously, and eventually comes upon an iceberg with a weeping face carved into it. The howling sound seems to be coming from the iceberg! Tweazle tosses a stone at the iceberg, which causes it to change its expression and turn to face the characters.

Playing it cool (in both the literal and metaphorical sense) allows the party to determine that the iceberg is not a threat. The ice introduces itself to Tweazle in Infernal as The Bergmeister, and the The Bergmeister was recently separated from his glacial companion by shifting ice floes. He asks the party for help with finding his beloved Candace, who is clearly recognizable to non-icebergs by her tasteful glacial waters and twin peaks.

Yep, the party'll get right on that if ever the chance presents itself. Meanwhile, Lucky is still under the impression that this is just the north, so it's probably a good idea to attempt to fit in. And since the iceberg is the first native inhabitant of this supposed north that she's seen, she casts Seeming to turn everyone into humanoid-shaped icebergs. Yes, even the fire elemental is an iceberg.

The party follows the map to reach the stranded treasure ship without further incident, but there is a disconcerting sound of metal scraping on metal. A second, smaller ship is also locked in the ice next to the treasure ship. No one seems to be on the deck of either ship. But as soon the elephant traverses the iceberg next to the big ship, the scraping sound ceases. Tweazle sneaks on the deck and peers into the hold.

Several pairs of eyes glint back from the darkness of the hold. Iceberg Tweazle says a friendly greeting in Infernal to the eyes in the dark. As Tweazle's eyes adjust to the dark, he's able to make what appears to be a ship's captain, a priest of some kind, and two other sailors. The captain says something to Tweazle in Primordial, but that's not a language Tweazle understands.

Lucky casts Comprehend Languages on herself, and Razzle casts Tongues on themself stealthily. Now the two of them can understand what's being said. Apparently the captain is disappointed that "they got the dumb ones this time." Razzle takes over as lead of the talking stuff for now.

It appears that the ship's crew are part of an infernal salvage operation tasked with recovering treasure from the area. They were expecting help from some elementals to assist in moving the loot from one ship to the other so they could depart, but the elementals never showed up. For now, the ship's crew believes the party is actually the elementals.

The large crates inside the hold are full of treasure, and Lucky makes plans to steal some of the goodies inside by slipping the portable hole into a gap in the crate and deftly angling things so the loot can be whisked away before the crew ever becomes aware. But first, Lucky's gonna need a distraction, and that distraction falls on Razzle to play dumb to the captain by asking a bunch of questions.

Long story short, the plan works out, but not before the captain almost explodes with impatience, communication between party members happens like a linguistic Rube Goldberg machine, Spleenifer yeeting Tweazle into the air, a falling crate puncturing a leaking hole in the bottom of the hole, and a hasty patch job is employed on the leak with Shape Water. Once the loot is secured and the empty crates loaded into the other ship, the party sneaks away.

They trek several miles until they reach a watchtower with a large devil standing atop its parapet in the wind and snow. "Who goes there?" the devil asks.

"Just us," says Iceberg Razzle.

"Did you get my treasure?"

"Yep."

The iceberg party is invited inside the watchtower, and the party recognizes the devil as the arch-fiend Toz that they came to request help in reaching Asmodeus on the lowest level of the Nine Hells. When Toz asks for the treasure, Lucky produces a mug from the portable hole that says "World's Greatest Overlord." Toz is disappointed at the showing, but the party assures Toz that they have found the rarest drink in the Material Plane and that's why the treasure haul is so low. Tweazle and Spleenifer produce a foul concoction of mayonnaise, chili, other unpleasant things, and some incense sticks lit like birthday candles in the mug.

Razzle is able to convince Toz that this is definitely a treasure for only the wealthiest individual, and Toz takes a sip. Toz recommends that this treasure be given instead to Asmodeus. If it is truly such a luxurious treasure, Asmodeus may bestow a promotion upon Toz!

Stygian Ice Carving - Sunday September 20 (2021-09-04)

Curious about some of the other stuff that goes on in the town of Brownstone? Here are some of the headlines from this week in the adventure!

I think it’s Sunday Sept 20 but it’s hard to tell and I’m feeling compelled to carve a warning into this ice to let those who come after me know the hazards of this Hell. I’m fleeing bandits after my soul just as much as terrors under the ice. Maybe I should have made a deal for my soul, but if you’re reading this, you will probably have to make your own choice soon.