the hidden feels village

I’m so scared of people yelling and screaming at me and going off about how I’m such a disappointment, mistake, taking advantage of the lab, etc. I’m so tired of people saying whatever they want at me and hurting me just to hurt me. I don’t want to deal with it anymore, I’m so tired of people hurting me and getting away with it all the damn time because I’m in a lower position of power and can’t afford to go against them. I hate it so much and I can’t deal with it. I can barely deal with it for two weeks, much less a month. I can’t. Like I promise I’ll take such good care of my health and everything, just I don’t want to go back. It drains me to be in lab, and especially when Simo is storming around in my aisle. I forgot the absolute stress and hell that is being in close proximity to this angry lady, like I just can’t deal with it. It makes me want to crumple up and die. It makes me high key anxious and on high alert at every hour of every day. I don’t want to deal with her so bad. I just can’t. Sigh.

I think I’m also stressed because my research is absolute crap and it makes no sense for what I’m doing, I hate it because everyday feels bland and empty and just like I’m waiting for things to collapse and for people to abandon me. I’m just waiting for abandonment, for someone to say “Well I knew you were a disappointment after all. Maybe you were always just doing research because you didn’t know what else you wanted to do with yourself and you didn’t want to deal with the fear and anxiety of not having another goal in front of you. You never even liked research, you never even found research to be that interesting and it’s clear that you have no idea of what you’re actually even doing. I don’t understand why you wasted your time like this, you’re a mistake and you need to go back and figure yourself out before applying. I think you’re going to honestly just waste your life by doing this, honestly, and I’m just telling it to you straight, you were never meant for science or medicine. Why are you even here, aren’t you just pursuing medicine and research for prestige or social capital or to be accepted societally when you’re not even that passionate about anything you do, it’s so clear you find this all to be a stepping stone and you’re just such a superficial person who does things just to be liked but you have no personality or worth on your own. Get into Harvard? Do you think we’re a joke? Do you think people come here to play around? How serious are you even about this, clearly you don’t take anything seriously and you’re just lazy and what you’ve done so far is a fraud. People play you up because they don’t know how you really are, which is to say a manipulative lazy bitch who can’t do anything on their own, someone who’s weak and gives up easily, who never struggled ever and despite that, is still such a failure despite all of the chances and niceties that were given to them. How dare you be so ungrateful and a miserable failure even when you’ve been so blessed with all of these things in your life. You grew up in a suburb, you can manage your health enough to look just like a normal person, your parents could pay for your college degree, you live in a house with internet and utilities and kind housemates, and they and your friends are somehow patient witih someone like you. You have all this, and you’re still a failure? You still can’t do any work? You still can’t even be real with yourself when the reality is that you don’t know anything about anything you do and you continue to be a miserbal failure who fails and, even worse, never does any work to make up for it or to try to alleviate it, you just give up and don’t care. You think that’s the calibre of student we have or want here? Why would we want someTHING like that at our school, do you think we’re a place to harbor failures?”

And so on.

It’s all the insecurities that I feel and harbor based on what Simo told me months ago that I can’t let go because I feel like nothing I do in the lab I am in can let me. I can’t see the end to the crapwork that I’m doing, I’m just confused and lost but also trapped. I’m just praying for the time to go by faster. But I wish that I could enjoy research. But I hate it. I hate it and I feel like I’m wilting, as a person. I don’t remember when I last enjoyed a day doing work at lab, like maybe when I first histogrossing? Because that felt like I was learning something. I enjoyed learning IHC with Subhadeep and Erin, but that wasn’t even in our lab. I feel like crying, I hate that I’m at a point where I’ve basically already given up emotionally and I’m just a deadweight trying to make the time go by faster because I hate it so much here. I hate that I want to try my best but I. What do I do? Where do I go? I’m trapped by wanting to do the 5xFAD project but not even seeing the light or purpose for anything of it other than trying to get my lab results to be as close to perfect as possible. Which is also sort of stupid in my opinion, a bit, but I’m just so stressed about what the purpose of anything of this even is. I’m so tired with it. Maybe I’m just ramping up the stress in my head, but conversations with Simo usually end up being either fine or a months long traumatic experience where I relive the nightmare of having my insecurities constantly replayed throughout the day everyday, for a long long long time.

Had to sob for a bit.

Ugh, I don’t want to go back to lab at all. The pain that I carry from the words said to me just won’t go away, and it’s hard for me to overcome them, no matter how many times I’ve said nonchalantly how I’ve overcome them during my interviews. No matter how many interviews I get, the emptiness and fear of failure is always crawling overhead and around me. The only thing that gets me through is just loud music, I swear. It just hurts, the insecurities that I have about my work when I know that this career path is so intense and will be so much of my life. I’m so scared that I’m making a big mistake, that everything I’m working towards is just for a life of pain and meaninglessness. I’m scared that I’m just going to end up a failure and never amount to anything, that I’m just going to fall to the side because I gave up and things will just never work out because I didn’t try hard enough. I’m scared that maybe this lab is actually just the reality of graduate training, that maybe I’m the one who’s wrong about expecting things to be different or better, that I’m the one who’s lazy and that’s why nothing like work is in the way that I was expecting. Maybe I need to be more confident, callous, or whatever, to get what I want? I wonder if things will just never get better in this way. I wonder if I’m wrong in wanting to pursue research when these past two years have shown me the dirty underside to research in academia and the disgusting powerplays and dynamics that make me want to scream and cry because I feel so trapped. I hate that I see people on my level or the next above me as postdocs be subjected to being used and disregarded in any and every way. I wonder when the fuck it’ll end, how many years you need to commit to being someone’s bitch before you can do what you want. I hate being subjected to the faint restriction of misogyny and racism in the lab where I have to work differently and be treated more harshly or just not seen at all because I’m not a white European American man. I’m so sick of that and also of seeing people that I genuinely care and admire being treated similarly because of that too. I’m so sick of it, I’m so sick of it and I’m sick of also feeling that I need to be accepted to someplace prestigious in order to finally be respected too. I guess maybe the last part is whatever, I can’t care anymore because it actually doesn’t matter how prestigious where I go is when the students these people have liked have gotten interviews and have gone on to places that are maybe not as prestigious. I’m done. Because it doesn’t matter at all, none of it matters because none of it changes how the lab perceives people of color or women/ non-men. It seriously does not matter.

I guess the good thing about these interviews is the external validation is super real lol. Like being indirectly told oh the program director does a good job recruiting a lot of good people to the program, as well as being directly told that I have a broad research experience and being told by another person who’s a PI that I’ve been doing things that show that I like science... It’s validating in that sense after being told and used as a research technician that doesn’t do anything at all other than what I’m told to and being placed in a high pressure environment where I want to shrivel up and die inside. It’s almost/ is surprising when people are encouraging to me, it’s almost just. I’ve gotten so used to associating work with being hell and emotionally strained, scary, and worthless as an experience, as well as seeing my time as a postbac as being a waste of time where I can talk about shit without doing anything that I find truly meaningful. I’m so burned out and hate my lab environment so much it’s hard for me to remember a time when I didn’t hate everything and anything that happens at work. It feels like a waste of the days and weeks and months that I have to be alive to be at this horrible workplace where I’m filled with anxiety and disgust and hatred. I hate it so much.

I feel like it doesn’t matter how much time off I get when I’m filled with exhaustion no matter how long I take off... Although to be fair I only really took a 5 day holiday (2 actual work days off). But I feel sick inside and it’s also not like interviews are a total walk in the park that I can do with my eyes closed. I just feel tired emotionally and I want to give up and cry. I’m filled with self-loathing at my work ethic but also to the lab that I’m in. I’m filled with bitterness, regret, and sadness all of the time. And the tiredness never seems to leave me, and that makes me so sad that my days are filled with leaden heaviness. I can’t even get hungry much anymore, and I just want to starve myself into dust. I just want to die inside, I hate it, I hate that I can’t get better and it’s not ending. I hate that I can’t cope well, and that I can barely cope at all.

I guess there’s generally a sense that the only thing I have to look forward to is for this godforsaken program to end in May. I’ve come so far, it’s only 5 more months (more like 4.5 months). Since August, I’ve come 4 months, and since May I’ve come 5 months. Since April, which was the start to the real hell of it all, it’s been 8 months and I’ve overcome so many emotional difficulties since then. The next few months, January, February, March, April, then May, will hopefully go by quickly. So many programs start in June, I’m going to leave start of May. This month will go by quickly with all of these interviews... and February will have one or two interviews, maybe hearing back from schools and figuring out where I’ll be and hopefully getting tickets for Japan plus it’s a shorter month, March is just a shitty month to wait for things to settle x2, and maybe I’ll leave in April or May I don’t care. I can’t care, I hate it so much, I feel like I’m about to choke. I might really ask Professor Newman if it would be a bad idea to leave at that time and maybe some other people because I can’t take it. It’s so horrible here. I can’t take it, I’m either going to leave the lab or like, leave this life, I’m so sick of this place. Maybe not life, but at least everything here is going to be dead to me, I can’t. I honest to god can NOT, I hate it with every fiber of my being. I can’t take it, it’s so horrible. It’s so horrible. I hate it, and I feel like I’m being sucked away as a person and even my interest in science is just. Like a joke. And I’m tired of being in a place where I’m expected to fight constantly as opposed to a place where you’re nurtured.

I hate it. I hate it so much. It hurts so much to be here, I hate it so much.

But as of now, I know that the cost/ benefit comes down to me staying and enduring. I think it’s always hard to come back to lab when I’ve been away for a long(er) period of time because it makes me anxious and terrified when I come back. But I know it’ll be fine since the postbacs are at least welcoming and kind to me, as with the postdocs. And that in itself will be a relief. I don’t have to hate it because they will at least be kind, and my day to day life will be fine. It will all be fine...

I can use the amount of dumb time I have if any to work on cryostat sectioning... reading more papers that I’m interested in and want to learn more about for neuroscience, and generally doing what I can to tolerate and endure living in that hellscape the best I can, each day. It’s not that each day will be the most fun and it’ll be more survival than ~thriving~, but again, 0 expectations for this to change and I’m going to make the best of this horrible time as much as possible. I officially give up relying on anyone beyond the people I really like in the lab, like I seriously could not care anymore.

I think I will try to exercise, cut my nails, and read and maybe do more music. I think these things will reduce my insanity and make me happier. Especially music, although I’m not sure how or where to start. But maybe just playing around on the ukulele will give me some insights, I don’t know.

UGH UGH UGHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I don’t want to do it:

- I feel overwhelmed by the need to make it perfect, probably.

- it feels like a lot of steps

- I feel guilty over this project because it’s the one I talk the most about but do the least in actual reality. :/

- I feel like it brings me down emotionally because it reminds me of what I feel like is a general personal failure that I’ve tied to this project and the feeling that no one cares about it.

Okay, so there are two parts to the reasons why I don’t want to do this. The first is the actual, technical part feels overwhelming. I’m sure the emotional aspect also adds onto it, but in general, it feels like a lot of steps. However, the steps are not that many because 1. I’ve done this presentation but at like 20 minutes before, 2. I’ve done this presentation in front of a buncho f people at this point from a broad range of backgrounds and institutions and levels of educaiton, and 3. I’ve done the research into at least the background for the project as best as I can. The actual steps I need to do involve cutting down the presentation words, timing it, wearing my interview shirt, practicing it and timing it, and then recording it and then I’m done.

The second part of why I don’t want to do this very badly is tied to why this project is a painful project for me emotionally. I’m filled with .... ugh, sadness? Frustration? General despair and hopelessness? Because I feel guilty in having a project that I haven’t been putting in the time into because I feel lost and I don’t want to talk to Simo about it. I’m busy, but mostly, I just don’t want to talk to her because I’m scared and nervous about what she has to say and I don’t want to deal with her just yelling at me and not giving me feedback even when I tried to ask for it. Maybe I just get hurt too easily or give up too easily, but I also just don’t want to deal with her and I’d rather avoid her as much as possible because she both hurts me and irritates me in different ways. It makes me sad because I’m supposed to have figured everything out on my own, but I don’t feel motivated to even do so and the project makes me tired when I think about it because of my general guilty. I also feel guilty because I’m one of the only postbacs with my own projects, but I’m obviously failing and I feel guilty because maybe if someone else was doing this project, they could have actually made it work. I feel guilty because of my general incompetence in the manner, and I just want my postbac to end because it’s been a fairly terrible experience work and career-wise. I don’t know how to alleviate this sadness and general despair/ malaise/ heavy imposter syndrome at this point other than just going through with it as much as possible and hoping for the end to come sooner and sooner.

Why am I scared of Simo? More or less because it feels like my own criticisms reflected back at me, and it just feels painful without going anywhere useful. I don’t enjoy the general experience of being told I’m useless and not good for anything, a disappointment, etc etc. Like I really don’t want that experience. Maybe I’m just running away from the problem, but I’m so exhausted with this lab, I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t feel really seen or valued as a human, and it just makes me not care too much about it until I can finally leave. I seriously can’t. It’s like the wall of imposter syndrome is piled higher and higher with every day, and it makes me nauseous. I’m scared of talking to Simo because i don’t have anything to show for the time spent here, and I don’t think she cares much about anything other than results so. I’m not about to care much about meeting with her because there’s nothing to talk about and I don’t need someone yelling at me about being stupid or whatever. I don’t want to feel pain and hurt by someone in that way.

But for the presentation, I have all of these thoughts weighing down on me 24/7 and it’s hard to move forward but I have to. And I know it will happen, I just... It just makes me depressed to have to talk about this project as though it’s something that brings me joy when instead it makes me sad and regretful and bitter. It also makes me scared because people are going to ask me questions and I don’t know how to respond to them. And I’ll just feel depressed furthermore. I guess this is general anxiety, I’m sure they actually won’t be so hard on me and it’s going to be fine, but. I just wish I could love my research instead of wanting to throw up in my mouth even at the thought of talking about it.

Okay so first, relationships and friendships and work relationships. I think recently I’ve just been incredibly depressed and antisocial with everyone. I think a lot of it stems from both insecurity as well as shame that I’m so insecure of how I am. I wish that I could be as confident and unabashedly a go-getter like Sara, or as good at reading people and comforting them as Mounisha, or as perceptive and observant of details like Ethan and Vishant and Jon, or as always there and willing to help even in the background like Jenn and Tim. I feel so incompetent, because what do I have? What can I even be? I feel incompetent as a leader (if I can even call myself that) because there’s nothing that I can do or be that will help them. I guess I’m just filled with infinite self-loathing and crippling sense of just plain self. I wonder what use I even am to people, but this insecurity brings me so much shame because I’m so envious of the people that I should be bringing together, but instead I’m just running away into the silence of my mind (or the hallways where no one is around). I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t want to be faced with people’s judgements of me and the feelings of incompetency and emptiness and lack and disappointment that I more or less feel towards myself. I know these feelings won’t do me any good, but it makes me depressed anyway to think of how lacking I am. I could argue that a part of this comes from mainly my fear, dislike, and distaste towards how the lab likes to compare and rile up trainees against each other all the time... but also it’s so easy to do that to me because I’m so horribly insecure and lacking of self-confidence and sense of self that holds any kind of worth. I’m so weak because I can be taken advantage of emotionally like this so easily, and I find that depressing too. I guess I’m just filled in general with crippling shame, if anything, and I feel like it’s just been fueled further as I’ve spent more time in Baltimore... But I don’t know. Maybe it’s more accurate to say it comes in waves. Shame when I compare myself to Tammy or Joey or Julia or the postbacs. Shame when I compare myself to all the people I greatly admire and respect. It just makes me sad to think of myself because I don’t hold anything like charisma or anything particularly good about me that’s useful; I’m not particularly kind or hard working or anything like that. I’m so selfish, and I’ve grown more self-serving recently too. More selfish, more putting my own wants over that of others and not putting in the extra effort for someone else’s happiness except when it benefits me, more awkward and tongue-tied when I speak with people at large, more socially anxious and overthinking and unable to find the words that can help people or will connect to others... I think all these things just make me feel lower and lower, and kick my confidence down pretty hard.

I get that a lot of my problems right now come from a lack of self-confidence. But I think it’s also because maybe part of my confidence in the summer came from helping others? Or mentoring? While now I feel like I’m so burnt out and exhausted that I feel selfish and want to just self-isolate forever and ever. I don’t want to ever talk with anyone ever again, and I don’t want to be in that wing of the 5th floor ever in my life. I hate it in lab, it’s so horrible and I want to cry or rage because I don’t like it. I know it’s not the worst job in the universe or anything either, but I don’t want to be there. It feels like the world is slip and sliding on my shoulders. I feel the constant eyes of people watching me, evaluating me, and judging me (and by people, I more or less mean Simo, but also the postdocs, postbacs, everyone), and I never feel like I am or can do enough. I feel like I need to crush myself into work to be able to be worthwhile but I also don’t want to crumple up my personality for this job that will only be pain for me to look back on. So I end up in this standstill where the two options include validation at the cost of my health or being judged and scorned while maintaining some (?) sanity. I guess it’s also the idea of my identity still being warped around helping people and supporting them, but either doing that at the expense of my well-being or tearing that identity down.

There doesn’t feel like there’s an answer, even though the answer really is just about not being stuck in my head about my insecurities, rather than the two extremes at work. What is there to say? I guess... If I was in Trevor and someone came at me with this conversation, I would say that it’s valid and reasonable to feel like I’m losing track of myself and feeling insecure about my entire personality because it sounds like I’m also placing a lot of pressure on what it means to be a leader, i.e. someone infallible, perfect, accomplished in everything and can do no wrong/ on a pedestal, someone who people can rely on because they can do it all and with a kind personality, someone that never needs to rely on others because they’re the ones supporting them, not the other way around. Someone who is morally uprighteous and never complains, does no wrong, and again, never makes any mistakes.

But the reality is that I’ll never be perfect and no one really is, actually, perfect. They just probably hide their mistakes well. So what can I do? If I am fearful of disappointing the entire lab and everyone by making mistakes, not doing enough, and not having the perfect personality, what can I do? The only real thing I can do is to just be who I am, flawed and all, but trying to be better. By better, I more or less mean trying my best each day (without putting in overtime meaninglessly and just to waste my own time), and to treat everyone fairly, kindly, and warmly. I think, on the personality and being personable aspect, these are things that I can slowly work towards. Whether it’s through talking more to people, asking them genuinely how they are, and being curious, as always, about who and what kind of person they are. I think being curious can take me farther than I might expect. Whether in science or personal development and learning from others or in just making deeper connections that don’t feel stilted and anxiety-inducing for me. I think my depression and self-loathing are coming from a sense of isolation as well, and while these things might tell me that I deserve to be isolated, I would never belong, and no one actually wants me around, I think I need to put in a bit more time and effort to spend time with the other postbacs at least in lab so I can feel more at ease with them and feel a sense of warmth again. And not just be so in my head about it that I think that they all secretly despise and scorn me.

How can I help everyone? How can I best support them? How can I make what they are carrying easier? These were always the questions that I cared about most. The selfishness and self-loathing, as well as depression, anxiety over comparison, etc. all come from isolation (or at least a good portion does) and being stuck in my head and assuming that everyone fucking hates me because I hate me lol. I’m anxious about being with people because I wonder about how much they hate me or at least that I’ll make it unbearably awkward, but at that point, I’m just going to lightly dissociate into being someone else, like imagine Dani or Meaghan or Niharika or Tammy, just someone who exudes warmth and friendliness at least. And then once I fake it enough times, I’ll hopefully feel less anxious. If they all want to be awkward, then that is what it will be. It’ll be like an acting 101 kind of thing then, where I basically pretend to be someone else.

I think there are other things on my mind like about my fading feelings towards Joey (self-explanatory) and also whatever I have to do for my interviews for UCI versus URochester lmao, but these are all things I’ve basically sorted out. For Joey, it’s more like well, I don’t think I can emotionally make it if he’s also struggling with something that sounds suspiciously close to depression and anhedonia. Which is really saddening, but also I can’t save him more than him saving himself. Plus I don’t... think he sees me in the same-ish way I see him, so I’m just going to let it go. For UCI and URochester, I’ll ask URochester if there’s any way to possibly switch dates but if not, then I’m going to choose UR over UCI. Like UCI, I’m really mostly drawn to the location. The email back was quite cold and also pretty unhelpful for even the East Coast thing so I was like hmm, I don’t know, doesn’t seem like the vibe. So unfortunately, I’ll probably have to give up on the UCI version of a CA dream ig in that case. But I like the vibe I’m getting from UR, relatively. I’m still not impressed with anywhere as close to as how I was with Vanderbilt, but maybe that’s just because Vanderbilt is also a T20 school. I think I’m also realizing that my fear of failure is making me go into circles about thinking about what I really want. I guess, in the most raw way, I really want interview invites (and acceptances) to Mount Sinai, Emory, UCLA, and UCSF (as well as acceptance to Vanderbilt) more than any other places. Like I would really, really want that. I think Duke, Case Western, and UMichigan are also places that I would love interview invites (and acceptances) into too, as well, but the ones that come straight up in my mind are those 4-5 schools. I’m honored to have interview invites at Stony Brook, UMaryland, UCI-ish, URocehster... But I guess they’re not the schools I’d be dying to go to, at least from how I see them now (before interviews). I’m still grateful to be offered interviews though, since this was something I really wanted too and it’s a wonderful problem to have (if not kind of greedy) to want interviews from places just because I would want to go to their program more, rather than just as a place that offered me an interview. But I guess, especially with Mount Sinai, I’ll just have to wait until January to know. I guess I’m not sure about how to feel and I keep going in circles in my head because I’m so scared of holding expectations and being devastatedly disappointed. So I just try to actively not think about it. Which is difficult but also I think a superstitious part of me wonders if I only got interview invites at places where I tried to not think of the school as much as possible lol. Which is kinda a funny thought but nonetheless...

It’s insane though that I got interview invites like once every two, three days for the past week though. I feel really grateful, and I feel seen. I’m glad that I didn’t make any horrible mistake in my app to the point where I have no interviews at all. I’m very grateful that these schools read through my essays and things, and felt that I could do well in their MSTP program. It gives me reassurance that I can do a MSTP program and succeed, and it gives me reassurance a bit that I’m not just the shell of a human that I feel like at work. I still hope for an interview at the schools I mentioned above, but more than anything, I hope fervently to be accepted into Vanderbilt’s MSTP program since nothing has come close to how their general vibe as a school has made me feel. I’ll be fairly disappointed if I don’t get in, but I think. I’ll cross that bridge when and if it happens. Being accepted would be an elation that I don’t even know if I could describe it... But maybe similar to getting the interview invite, I think it might be close to that. But a bit more of a complete shock probably haha.

But while I’m super happy that Vanderbilt seems like a school that would be a good fit for me and my personality, I’m now at this stage of “oh shit, better not fuck it up! I’m getting expectations, so I better not fuck it up!!!” feeling. Like I really want to get in now, more than I felt about Emory at least, and maybe Mount Sinai. I mean, it’s not like I have interview invites from any other schools (which is also, in itself, something that makes me want to freak out and lose my shit entirely but), but also I just really love how it’s like a Super Pass Fail school too. Like clinicals being P/F? That’s kinda amazing AF, like I love that. The only school right now that I would really consider (within the schools that I applied that are around the Vanderbilt calibre or lower) that I would go to even if clinicals weren’t P/F (which is basically everywhere) and if preclinicals were graded too, would be UCLA just because the research is exactly what I want, the location is great, and it has a lot of clinical opportunities in the nearby vicinity that I’m very intrigued by. Damn, what a decision if I had the chance to choose between these two schools. But for now? Really not an option in mind. And this is also why second look day is a thing too. Anywhooo.

I guess a part of why I’m also very very excited/ anxious about getting in is the possibility of being able to quit this job early. I really hate being in this lab so much. I feel sick with the idea of staying here for longer than I have to; I gave myself May at latest, but if I, by some actual miracle, got into Vanderbilt’s MSTP program, then I would genuinely consider leaving in March (to give myself 3 more months of a break and go to Japan for an extended period of time). Of course, the biggest caveat would be the stupid lease, but I would try to probably negotiate to leave or at least paying a lower amount. And worst case scenario, I would have to just pay the full price, which would be ass but I would take that into account in considering how much to save I guess. And I guess I would save like a manic lol, but also I have money saved that I just never used  for med school apps. So there’s that, at least, which would cover maybe 2 months of rent? I just really really really hate this job with a burning passion, so if I can leave earlier, I’ll be happier. And I would love to be accepted as soon as possible, and get out. I just can’t, I really want to leave pretty badly, I’m so done with this work environment.

But anywho, that’s the best best best case scenario. Leaving this lab in March after being accepted in December? Literally a godsend, I would faint from relief. And I would be able to withdraw my application from at least several schools too, which would feel reaaaal nice. Only several though, like I would keep the ones that I want to stay around for location reasons, at least (like UMass and Rochester probably). But I would def take out UCinncinati and UAB... yep. And anyway, this is the best case scenario. More likely that I would either get an acceptance late (February, maybe even off of a waitlist in April or May) or just straight rejected too. So there’s that.

I mean, in the beautiful world where I am presuming I would be accepted somewhere, the worst case scenario would be getting in somewhere in June and starting somewhere right away. So the worst case scenario would still involve me being in lab but leaving before August probably. I would hate that, because it would mean I wouldn’t be able to go back to Japan? But I would still leave lab before August, thankfully. Which, in any case, would be less than a year. So thank fuck for that.

But anyway, I’m in general just kinda stressed for the interview in the sense that, I really, really, really want to get into Vanderbilt. I could totally see myself being there, and also being happy as a medical and MSTP student there too. It feels like a good fit, and it makes me scared af to think of being absolutely devastated if I don’t get in. Like whew, that would be some major disappointment times. But I guess if that happens, then I’ll just eat yummy food, cry, and then rinse and go back to work lol. Maybe I’ll have another interview or something by that point too, idk. It’s just a weird, stressful time to have no other interviews and truly living life on the edge in a way that I simply do not want lol. It makes me extremely nervous and afraid of wtf is going to happen.

Gosh darn. I just want to be accepted and then get tf out. I’m so done with this place. I just feel anxiety and upset and frustration and trepidation and just bad feelings. I know this upcoming week won’t be as bad, but I’m still kind of really not okay with how I’m living my life as it is now. Sigh...

Anywho, no one from this lab has also been accepted into Vanderbilt so ig that may be a first. A few have gotten into UCSF though, so that’s kinda wild ngl. But tbh, no one has really gone anywhere like the tippy top level places recently (which is fine, not to knock on the postbacs), but I wonder if it’s because mentoring has been straight trash as of late. Who knows. I want to succeed, I don’t care. But I know it’s because, not this lab, but the previous experiences I’ve had prior that will be helping me through because goddaaaaaamn I’m not even going to deal with this place longer than I have to or more closely that I have to. Jeez.

Anyway... my first order of business is to do the best that I can in the interview. Thankfully, it sounds like it’ll be more chill and just a conversation... So hopefully I can just be a chill person, be interested in what the other person has to say and just enjoy having someone who is also probably interested in me too! So we love that, semi-requited love time. I think that’ll be nice, honestly. I’ll brush up on the research that I wrote about, my why medicine and why MD/PhD essays, and make an outline of what I’ll say for the biggest questions (which are those plus why Vanderbilt). When I have those down and done, I think the rest will be more relaxed and just an interesting conversation to have. I feel like I’ve been trained by conversations from Trevor as well as with Tammy and Quey on just wack and deep conversations, so I think if I’m relaxed and don’t overthink it, it’ll be more fun than horrible, judgement time. I think it can and should be more interesting, because I’ll finally be able to understand the school in a way that I can’t get from constantly scouring reddit and r/premed and sdn. So it’ll be really valuable and good info that I can glean too.

I don’t think it’ll be bad, it’s just always scary before the interview/ presentation/ performance. But I’m genuinely excited for the interview and learning more about Vanderbilt. I’m really, really excited, honestly, and I think that the excitement and anxiety are kinda glomping together into one so that makes it slightly unpleasant? But also I want to keep the good vibes and expectations for at least an interesting first interview going forward.

Worst case scenario, the interview is an absolute disaster, I can’t talk, the interviewers’ expressions are :/ or like :( or >:( (idk how tf but still), and I get rejected right away in December. It is what it is, I’ll wait around for other interviews if I may get any, and continue doing what I’ve been doing for the past year plus and just tolerating my workplace. I can also look into other jobs (!) that will excite me and bring me some peace in comparison to this hellscape. Always good and nice to look forward to the end of my time here with the added bonus of having money. I might not be insured for a few months, but I’ll make the most of the insurance that I *do* have and so that’s why I’ll stay until January at the very earliest (and honestly for a bit longer just to get my finances in check and collect my sweet sweet stipend moneys). February would be the absolute earliest I would/ could leave, I think, since I currently have enough for just 2 months worth of rent in my med school savings for apps. This will also be a very happy problem to have too lol. And also I need to be in the country at least long enough to attend 2nd visit day (or I guess the 1st visit day bc no interviews in person lol). So on the off chance that I only get into Vanderbilt, then I would really like to still visit Nashville and check out the area. I’d have no other options lol, but it would still be very important for me to go. And hopefully it would be in March, and that’s why the actual realistically earliest time I would leave lab/ for Japan is in March I think. Which would give me maybe 2.5 months to be in Japan. Which isn’t that bad, I could actually celebrate my birthday in Japan and be there in the spring for the first time in my living memory. Wow, that would be so beautiful, I would love to do that. I’ve never actually celebrated my birthday in Japan before, I. Yes, that would be so lovely, I would love that so so so much. Anywho, that’s the dream, to get into a place, be able to finish viewing the school, and be in Japan by April. That would be the serious dream. And then maybe be in Japan for as long as I possibly can before I have to pack up and move to wherever (Nashville, if I’m going there) in maybe the 1st or 2nd week of June. Speedrun through seeing my friends, preparing to move, all that jazz, potentially sneak in a visit to New York, and then jumping off to who knows where. And then starting my lifetime journey of a MD/PhD in June. Holyyyy shitaki.

Now, this is basically my dream plan on the off chance that I get in (and only get in) to Vanderbilt, which I seriously woul dhave 10000000% no problem with at all. If I got into another school or whatnot, then. This would be very different. For example, if said school started in August or did XYZ, whatever, then it would be different. Of course, not something I can control or predict, even less than with Vanderbilt. But also just another potential wrench into this plan. But I would love love LOVE to go back to Japan in the spring, that would be an absolute dream. I want to celebrate my birthday with oomama, I would want that so much. And I would want to see the cherry blossoms in Japan. I think I’d cry. I would want that so much.

Maybe even if a different school had 2nd look day or whatever in April, I would choose to miss it if I’m in Japan. Like this opportunity to be there is just too precious to me, unless it was like to Harvard or UCLA or something, i would just say yolo, I’m either A) not going and/or b) def doing it remote, please and thanks. Honestly, if I get into Vanderbilt, a lot lot LOT of things would feel easier and I can just chillax. But yeah, that’s kind of a big ask lol. Because I’m asking to get accepted ASAP and set up my life ASAP too. I can dream lol.

But yeah, I mean. If I can go back to Japan even in May, then that would be lovely. Maybe if I get rejected from Vanderbilt but accepted to a place that starts in August, I could leave in May like I had planned anyway. It would still be earlier than when I started, yes, but I’m not going to care much at that point because I have my reasons and they’re valid and this job isn’t a contracted position for 2 years. I have done ENOUGH. They’ll manage or figure something out, and I shall very leave lol.

I just want to 1. get into a MD/PhD program and 2. take time off to not be hell-bent on applications and being stressed and pressured and strained to the max by this lab that can’t manage itself. And ideally 3. go back to Japan. These are what I’m looking for! And I want to get into Vanderbilt so much. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and if not, then that’s that. I can’t predict if I’ll be accepted in the first wave or even at all, but it sure would be nice... Sigh. I just feel the sinking preemptive feeling of a waitlist, or a rejection. I’m just so used to having seen those for undergrad, and I’m kinda scared of that sadness and disappointment. But no one will know anything until the very end, at least. Maybe I’ll just be waitlisted in December, I can take that. Or rejected, which will be sad but maybe it’ll mean that something else will come up, or I’m meant to focus more on my work or clinical volunteering or whatnot, or just not concern myself with Vanderbilt anymore. It will be okay. Things and life will continue to happen, even if they are very not what I have planned or have originally wanted, and it shall all be okay. And worrying about that now won’t help me at all either. When I should be going to sleep now anyway.

First thing, I really don’t want to go to work on Monday/ tomorrow. I hate lab so fucking much, it makes me want to end it all. I hate being in a space where I’m pressured to know all of the answers, all the time, for different projects that answer to different people and different personalities where each person thinks that whatever crap they have is the highest priority of everyone all the fucking time, so people can’t make any mistakes whatsoever on *their* specific pet project. I’m so sick of all these self-centered fucking people who don’t care so much about the level of stress that we’re under or just how insanely busy we are right now with all these stupid fucking projects that the goddamn PI keeps on adding even though it all just means absolutely positvely nothing. God fucking damnit I hate it all so much, it’s so stupid, I’m so. Frustrated by how shitty even the science is once I came into this lab, but even if the science is shitty, I would’ve tolerated it if I had any respect on some person level with the PI but absolutely no, he really just does not see the trainnees as anything other than little techs that he can move around with not paying as well or respecting the time of as much, can yell/ pressure/ just do whatever crap he wants to, and just everything is a whole disaster all the time and it’s all always, ALWAYSs, one cm away from being (totally) exposed as a huge fireball of garbage. I’m so sick of their shit all the fucking time and I’m so SO fucking sick of all these egotistical pieces of shit making my life so miserable for the past two years. I’m so sick of it, and I’m also sick of being the person in charge like this when I know nothing is acknowledged or really accepted as anything other than a baseline, and I’m done. Just done. With all this crap that continues to pile up as we do bitch work day in and out. And I’m so done, like yes, I guess it’s great that I’m not in a country currently about to be attacked by major totalitarian governments and whatnot, but holy shit!!! That’s a low bar!!! I just hate my time here and I want to leave so bad. I’m so tired, and it’s so hard for me to un-burn out myself. I feel like I’m just complaining all the time, but I also seriously can’t. I feel like I’m going to end myself and I’m just done with it all. I’m wondering if I should just fucking quit even before I get in anywhere, I’m so done with all of this. I’m just filled with so much anger and fury and frustration and despise and disgust with this stupid fucking work place where we’re yelled at or threatened to be yelled at day in and out, and no mistakes can happen, and 0 mentorship is expected at all like who the fuck???? What the goddamn hell is this bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I legit can’t, it hurts to think that I need to come back to this fucking piece of shit place where I need to be perfect and check everything and anything under the sun and for everything to be THE EXACT SAME WAY as it was last year like holy fuck!!!!!!11 I want to die. So bad. Like just straight overdose and die, I hate this workplace so bad, so much, I’m so tired and there’s no one in the lab that I can rely on or expect to change this stupid fucking workplace. It’s so shitty, I can’t and I can’t and I can’t. It’s so overwhelming, I have so much frustration and anger and stress that I can’t even function well to problem solve because I can’t even imagine. What it would look like for things to get better. I know that I knew beforehand that the only way out is through, that I can’t expect anything to improve or change in the way that I truly want, and that I also can’t expect shit from higher up people whatsoever. I guess I should take responsibility in staying rather than leaving, and just suck it up. But jesus fucking christ, it shouldn’t be like this and I’m going to complain to high heaven and above because I seriously feel sick and tired of this horrible shitshow of a lab, of a lab management, and of general “trainee mentorship” that this stupid lab pretends to have. What a pile of bullshit. What have i even learned? How to not trust people? That’s soo funny, that just sounds mostly like the opposite of a healthy work environment. Yeah I guess on the one hand I doubt I could be in a lab that’s much worse unless they were actively sexually harassing me or something but whew wow, that’s a real low bar too. I fucking can’t, I’m so bitter and regretful that I joined this stupid lab. And for what? Like what does it even amount to. I’m so freaking done. I’m just so tired and full of exhaustion and anger and frustration about how horrible it is here, and having to pretend like it’s all right all, ALL, of the time, especially around my labmates. I can’t stand it. I wish I could just storm into Rafa’s office and scream my head off at him. Not even say a coherent English word, just straight screech.

Okay. I feel a bit better about imagining myself screaming like a maniac at Rafa. Man, that would feel soooo fucking good. Or just generally shredding him apart? Beautiful. I just have so much anger, disappointment, pain, and fury about this stupid postbac position. I don’t think it’s the NIH itself, so much as the people and age old academia culture that I want to rattle against and scream at. It just makes me exhausted.

Taking a deep breathe gives me a sense of calm though. Sigh. I’m going to indulge myself and say that I’ve endured a heckton that no other postbac in my lab had to endure, either last year or this year. The closest would be Meaghan and Vishant, but Meaghan a) had Sandy and Priya (and everyone else) and b) Simo loved her so not much of an issue there. And Vishant didn’t ever work on sacs, although he’s been really helpful in everything else. I guess I had to endure training everyone/ different people from postbacs up to postdocs, biologists, lab managers, whoever the fuck, trying to re-organize the lab together with Ericka, trying to check over small mistakes that people make, and trying to protect people from the wraths of Eleonora and Simo and I guess Rafa et al. for whatever fucking shit they lost their minds over. Not to mention taking an active role in Amanda’s project and STILL trying to get shit to happen with Simo’s project AND filling out secondaries and bullshit about that riiiiight when everyone up and left and a bunch of new people came in all at once. I try to give myself grace and not be too hard on myself when things fail or I fail publicly and don’t know what to do. I try to be forgiving when I don’t know the answers that I should or give inconsistent replies or am otherwise imperfect, unaware, and ignorant. I try to not judge and hate myself for not knowing it all. Or holding that expectation for myself. But it’s so hard. I hate disappointing people, even if they do so to me frequently. I want to be a perfect role model even when that’s impossible, and I feel really hurt when people are judgemental about me making a mistake. It always feels like I’m not allowed to make any mistakes, and it scares me so badly. So this pressure is pretty self-imposed, but also there’s a general expectation that I feel from others that I need to be a certain way because that’s the way I might have portrayed myself? Or, well, I had helped people a lot in the past so now I’m expected to be able to help them with anything and everything. I feel so bad for the new postbacs who have gotten thrown into this trashbin of a lab, and I wish I could do more to support them. I wish I could protect them more, or at least guide them better. But I can’t really do it all, and I’m kind of nauseous of the amount of pressure that would put me under. I feel so tired and sad and burnt out,, I just want to cry instead of go to work. I feel like I’ll never leave, which isn’t true, but I know it’ll all hurt and I’ll go through more sadness and pain before I get to leave.

What can I do about lab? Sigh. I guess I understand that there’s busy stupid bitchwork I gotta do, no matter what. But what can I learn from it? What is it that I can use to bring myself something during the times when I’m doing bitchwork? Maybe I can read more about these protocols, like about blood collection and what’s realy being done, or what the Advia machine measures, or about motor functions, etc. and maybe it’ll be more interesting. But during the actuality of the bitchwork, I can try to put on a podcast so I can at least learn something on the side even if the actual work is bullshit and stupid.

For the emotional aspect. I need to stop creating my identity around how other people see me, which is really hard because I still also want to be a role model... But maybe I’m just going through it too far. I want to be a role model but maybe it should be in the sense that, I want to be the best that I myself can be. Rather than what “the best” looks like. I want to do my best, and hope that that can be something that people appreciate and look up to, is the dream. So rather than being perfect, which is something that I can’t do even at my best, it might be better to think of specific personality traits I want to be. I want to be more honest about what I don’t know, brutally so. I want to be able to put in the time to understand and do my best about things I don’t know so I can improve. I want to continue to be open-minded and look for the good in people, because I know that that’s who I am at the core and it’s something that I value and always want to practice, even if I’m filled with frustration, anger, and impatience, as well as the sense that others wouldn’t do that for me... Even if others won’t bother to be as careful with my emotions or self as I am with them, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be that way. I want to be this kind of person, for my own selfish reasons, rather than as a response to someone. I want to be that patient, that kind, and that compassionate. This is the kind of leader I’d like to be and the kind of person I can work towards becoming. I think in absolute private, like in writing, I can vent about how much anger I have towards someone or certain people. But for how I interact with them, I don’t want to hurt them, even if what they’ve done has hurt me or has burdened me a lot. And I love this part of me who is always willing to see the best in others, and how I can be forgiving of others and myself for shortcomings.

So I want to keep in mind the kind of person I’d like to become one day. Even beyond career and all of that, just who do I want to be? I want to rise above the judgement of others, and allow people to think how they want of me without it hurting me so badly or grinding down on me. I think sometimes also, people don’t intend to be so judgemental either, or for it to be so much of a burden on others. In the end, there’s not much I can do except to do what I can, as best as I can. And I think there’s something powerful and empowering to be able to exist this freely. I’d like to be that way. I know the people in my lab have Personalities, and they judge freely, openly, and arrogantly, honestly. But also I can’t change what they think or what traits, actions, etc. they choose to judge upon. I’m going to just do what I can in the way that will satisfy me.

I feel pressured to be a workaholic in a sense, like working longer hours, but also I just can’t. I’m emotionally spent, and I want to be more careful with myself and my health. I think some people can or are more willing to use their health in a more rash way, but I can’t, not really anymore. There’s not really much of an option for me when I’m already weakened physically. I can’t do the long workhours when I feel horrible and also because I have a choice. Just because I work longer won’t help me, and I’m not going to tie myself up with wanting the constant, far approval of others, or the stamp of “hardworker” from these people. I do what I can and I am who I am. I know that I put in whatever work, all the time, for myself and for others. I show up everyday, even when I hate my life and workplace, and that in itself is hard. I don’t want to be stuck in the mindset that a hardworker is just one who suffers as hard as possible for work. I don’t want to be a prisoner to work. Especially for work that I have 0 care for anymore. So I don’t want that, and if people compare me to Sara or to others because I’m not “putting in the hours”, then that sucks because I’m still going to go home at a reasonable hour, live a full life, and make living through my postbac a little less of a steaming pile of shit. <3 This in turn will help me be there for others and come in each day able to do my best. Again, I’m not going to suffer because I want people to tell me I’m doing a good job. I’m neither Joey nor Sara, and I think I’m fine as I am because I’m doing what I can in the way that I see fit. I’m at the point where I don’t think I can work much harder or I’ll be in a bad state emotionally. I’m already guilty as fuck about ISB, like so bad. Sigh. But also I need to wrap up what I do at work at a reasonable hour or it’s going to mean ill for me and for what else I do outside of the workplace.

In the end, it’s a gap year. I want to take advantage of this time. I don’t want to be so hustle culture that I want to end myself. I’m not being lazy for being efficient and doing what I have to do after I’ve put in the required hours. Am I being paid more? Is my letter going to change with all of this? Hell no! So literally what’s the point of putting in extra work that I can do the next day or whatever and it’s not going to harm anyone by doing so? Literally it’s fine.

The other thing I’m kinda stressed about in general is ISB and the workshop. I’m always kinda stressy about it, but also they’re not holding me up to doing it or cutting me. I think I just need to get a good grasp on ending my work at the NIH ASAP and then working on the workshop. I think it scares me --> self sabotage, but I’m going to put in the work and also take more of the vitals so I find meaning again. NIH life makes me want to kms but ISB can be really meaningful, even if people make me socially anxious. I can take my time.

Am I stressed about the Vanderbilt interview? A little. I need to prep for it and all, but I’m more excited right now. Like yes, right now it’s my single ticket out of this lab and into the future career that I want, but also it just seems like such a nice school. I hope I can have very interesting conversations with those people. I’d also like to get to know more about Vanderbilt, more than what I’ve scrouged around on the internet. So I’m pretty excited! If I’m waitlisted or rejected then oh well. It is what it is. I want to put in some time figuring out the answers to some common interview questions, recording myself a bit, and then seeing how I can improve. Again, it’ll be okay, I just need to prepare.

Okay, relationship crap. And feelings. Let’s go.

So I’m kindaaa sad about Ben because I don’t think he really liked me in a more than oh, get to know, kinda way. Which is fine, although kinda sad. But also I guess in the conversation, maybe I was kinda awkward? Maybe?? Like I think I could’ve been better about replies, but I was getting distracted and tired. But also it was nice hearing about his experiences! Learned a lot about the socal experience from a SE Asian American, so that was cool, I only really knew about it from Quey before. I guess I’m talking to some other random people on Reddit, but that’s more just a distraction/ fun, since I’ll probably never see these people irl. But that’s cool, I’m still learning a lot form them so we love to see it. I think i can get a bit over Ben because I also won’t see him often or stay in touch often with him, it seems. So it be good. Also it reassured me, in a way, that I can still find people who are intriguing to get to know and are Asian Americans in med school (obv probably).

Hmm, with Joey I guess... In general, I don’t think we vibe the best? But maybe we can just be friends and it’ll be waaay more chill to just hang out. If that ever happens. Because I don’t think we have the same idea of worklife balance or views about work/ research necessarily, and it’s not bad, but I think that plus also feeling kinda like the conversation is difficult to upkeep with him makes it not really... my type of thing to go for. Plus the whole thing with Hinge made me kinda sad, but it is what it is plus I got to talk with more different people so that’s a plus in its own way too. But yeah, I mean I’ll still reach out to hang but no pressure. Again, I don’t think it’s wise to necessarily go for anything romantic anyway since who knows where I’ll even be in a year (or anyone else I meet through the postbacs for that matter). So I’m going to just chillax about him.

Duncan is always just gonna be around as a chill, sorta will always view fondly but also just friends, kinda friend. But nothing so painful at least recently, so that’s good. Wahoo.

I guess it’s not the bestest that I’m using getting to know people and attention to fill in the gap that I have with work and the sadness that I feel all the time with being in lab, but. It’s an easy fix, I guess. But I guess I feel kinda jaded in a sense too, so maybe it’s better to lay off on doing this too much. Or being so callous about it. Or at least giving myself more time to get to know others and reflect on myself. I think I’m just impatient about the emptiness, but it also is what it is. Random ways in which I can meet people can lead to random ways in which I can learn more about the world.

I feel a lot less stressed. Let me read Ben’s full message.

Raised eyebrow look but also !!!!!!!! don’t know. Is what I feel. I guess. Aaaaaaa yeah. Nope.

How to. Conversation???

Hmm. If I do an in-depth anaylsis---

He sounds like he wants to get to know people more carefully and slowly? So I think... aa I don’t know, maybe I should just. I don’t know??? I don’t know. I’m also not really in the hobby of dragging conversation out of people so much. So I guess that’s a bit unfortunate about the distance. But I’m not sure what to say. I guess maybe it’s also me not wanting to look “too desperate” or anything like that... :/ What’s the right way to go about this? Maybe it really is just. Chillaxing and waiting it out. Maybe I’ll do that, and the next time I come around the area, I’ll just let him now. Because what do I even respond to that with??? Sigh. I simply cannot know. That sentence is sorta a conversation ender soooo. I’ll just leave it there.

Anywho, it’s still pointless thinking and imagining anything romantic with anyone anyway, and I know it too, in my heart of hearts, that it’ll just bring me grief because I’ll be who knows where in less than a year (hopefully). So what’s the point? beyond just learning and hearing of other people’s experiences. This is not so bad. I think I can widen my perspective in general through this. Practice some people skills lol. And I think that that’s perfectly fine.

First, I need to finish my secondary (or I want to) before I go out with Julia. I just need to scrap up some words about why UCSF, but now my head keeps on drifting to how I bet Joey is also applying here and feeling depressed because I probably won’t ever see him after this year. And that makes me really angsty and nervous and not sure what to feel/ feel like I’m signing up for a whole world of pain. I mean, I know/ knew in general that this school probs won’t accept me for a whole slew of reasons BUT STILL I’m just feeling kinda nauseous thinking about it. Relatively. In general.

I’m also stressed about the presentation, but I’m content with knowing that I’m putting out the data that I know is present and I’m not trying to fabricate or do anything terrible. I’ve tried and it is what it is. So. If Simo doesn’t want to go over it with me, then the email record remains PLUS I never got whatever email she meant about the metcages so like whatever about that. I don’t even know, it is what it is. At the end of the day. I guess she can be a little shit to me tomorrow, but again... c’est la vie, it is what it is and if she wants to be mean on Monday to me then. Oh well. I guess. Like ??? so. It’ll at least be amusing to have that in front of everyone, like I guess we’ll see whatever she means by whatever she means. She might not even do anything, or say anything, which would be an honest relief in its own way.

And then it’ll be over and I can get on with my life Yeehaw.

Last thing relates to first, but I’m just generally not sure what’s going on with Joey/ am I just a therapist? (nah it’s probably me)/ if there are more people, then would he just get bored of me? And/or adding onto that, is the general fear that he hangs out with me because he’s lonely and doesn’t really know anyone else around here. Which is a big assumption, but it is one. I guess this is what they mean when they say don’t date if you’re just lonely, i.e. don’t use people to fill the loneliness. And I’m realizing that this is because that person is just filling a stereotype of a person in your mind, rather than creating a meaning or place that is their own. And if it’s a stereotype, then you can have anyone and anything fill that emptiness rather than necessarily the person in question, so you can just replace people in and out of your life like a revolving door. Of course, this is just generally a fear of mine in general (of being replaceable and abandonned) too so I get why it’s particularly pronounced.

And I get that I end up sitting in the therapist/ counselor chair because that’s a really comfortable and easy position for me to be. And one that I’ve had a whole year to cultivate and develop/ polish, plus I know that I can do it well and make people feel better and well by being that. So it ends up becoming something that I’ve fallen back to, but maybe that makes it so that I create a barrier between others and myself. Because I’m not partaking in anything and I don’t want to be invested emotionally any more than I feel. But I also want to make the other person feel happy and heard. And I come to this situation.

What do I want to do? What kind of person do I want to be in a relationship and what am I looking for? I’m used to having crushes on people who constantly ask me about myself, almost as agressively curious. Kind of similar to how I ask questions? But why am I drawn to Joey? I mean, I definitely thought he looked cute just from the outside (whichhhhhh you know, doesn’t happen super often so). But also I think he seems like a kind and warm person, and his voice when it breaks through the formality is really warm and safe. I guess it’s wrong of me to want to be someone who always hears that because it sounds similar to me wanting to chase someone just to chase someone/ because it is difficult and would validate me, rather than for anything more natural. I think when he was talking about his dad or when he admits to not being sure or not knowing about xyz, is when I can hear the slight change in his voice. Sort of. I felt really touched that he would tell me about it, even though I guess he said that he usually doesn’t want to just because it lowers the mood, etc. So he’s talked to other people about it, but I guess not often? Which makes sense because it’s a bit dark and somber, Usually I’m curious, but I was nervous in this case about prying because I know it’s a lot. So I was fine with just straight listening.

What kind of person do I want to be? The first thought that came up in my head was supportive. Which is still true, but also I think I need to dig deeper into what I want, in a more selfish way. Which is weird but also, I think this is important. Because romantic relationships are 1. new to me and 2. different from a platonic relationship, in terms of commitment and what you both mean to each other, both absolutely and relative to others. So... I want to be someone who’s supportive but also unafraid to say my thought, opinions, and what I’d like for things to change. And I guess, I want to be someone who is able to put their foot down on things that hurt me or that I want to improve or would like from the other person.

What kind of person am I looking for? Someone who wants to be with me. And someone who is clear about wanting to be with me. I think also someone who asks about me and knows me really well. I think maybe even if they don’t necessarily ask me constant questions, if they care and notice about what might make me happy then that would make me happy too. I guess sharing interests would be nice, but also it’s alright if they don’t align as long as both people can share those things that they care about with each other together. I think this is a little selfish, but I’d like someone who would be willing to help me even if it might be a little inconvenient. I think I’d also like someone who’s reflective and strives to improve.

I guess what I’m learning is that there can be many ways in which people show affection and the curious ways in which feelings can bloom. Do I know if he likes me? Do I even know if *I* like him? I’m not even sure what I feel, the thing on Friday made me kinda cool/ feel hmm, to be honest. But I also realized my own bad habits in being overly invested in being a therapist to others than saying anything about myself. So I think that was beneficial, at least for me. If I didn’t already know him and have some small amount of feelings towards him, then I think I would have walked away at that point. But I think I should try a little bit more to just see if I can become a better person on this front, at least in terms of relationships. And I do feel like he’s a warm person, so maybe it’s just that I’m not close enough with him to really be at the place where he can feel like he doesn’t have to be formal with me. I don’t know, I think I need to not keep on asking questions like I am at the speed that I do, especially when I’m nervous and scared of silence. Because it leads me to not... have it be reciprocated. And I’m just repeating my parents’ relationship, in a way, where it’s all one sided but I’m driving the one sided aspect of it.

I’m also very in my head about it all; it would be worth talking about it with Joey himself maybe. I feel like it might make him feel bad though, so I might just talk about it with him in person. Just so he doesn’t get the wrong idea of it being his fault entirely. I sincerely think he just hasn’t noticed it, if anything. But I think by saying this, then I can at least try to work through it with him? I think. We’ll see. I don’t know, but this is something that is important for me to work through. I believe. I guess it’s interesting how I can learn a lot from this almost-maybe-not relationship too.

I guess what I’d like is being asked questions and also for myself to say more about myself in general. That’s all. I think I can give this more time and patience. Do I like him? i think I at least have a crush on him, somewhat. But it’s partially driven by how I think he might like me, so I don’t know. I’m not really sure.

Pros for staying in EGS/ Cons for leaving:

- postbacs that I love and know, and that I’ve cared for well for the past months.

- postdocs who are all supportive and Ericka who is also supportive

- Rafa is alright, even though he can be stressful, etc.

- interest in this research and this level of translational research.

- comfort in the different ways this lab is run.

- got a letter from this lab and wrote in my primaries and secondaries about this lab a LOT.

- don’t know what the new lab environment will be like, will be a new postbac in this lab and not leading a lab anymore, starting ground-up

- if something was publishable then I’m absolutely not going to be an author on that from here lol.

- won’t be as important to the new lab as I am in EGS

Cons for staying in EGS/ Pros for leaving:

- Simo makes me really stressed, anxious, and fearful basically everyday she’s there in lab, even when she’s not there in lab, all the time. Her shadow is just everywhere.

- feeling like I need to constantly perform and perform to “prove” myself

- depression, suicide ideation, and the constant feeling of endlessness to the fear and horror of being in this lab.

- envious of other labs where the PI is more present and there are proper mentors

- not learning from Simo, always having to work around her and then being blamed. Always being on the edge and not being able to be myself

- feeling like my curiosity about science is constantly crushed under anxiety and depression and high fear

- feeling like I’m going back to who I was when I was in elementary school and trapped forever.

- opportunity to learn from a new lab environment and research question/ area and meeting new people and postbacs/ institute

- if I’m with Tammy, then I’ll be okay in that lab at least. And I have someone I can rely on for at least beginning my work.

- not being able to ask Simo ANYTHING and wanting to die inside all the time.

So it basically comes down to: will I give up being viewed as important and needed by other members in the lab at EGS OR do I tolerate Simo treating me like garbage for another year? Will I choose being a new lab member somewhere where I need to work hard to prove myself or be talked down and constantly feeling like I need to avoid being crushed?

What am I looking for through this experience:

- mentorship and the ability to follow through on (a or many) projects

- to work on science.

These are the most important things that I’m looking for. I want to not hate science and research. I guess on the side having things like publications would be cool and all, but in the end, I just want to be able to... to do science. Will I choose the road where I want to die inside but get maybe MAYBE a paper out of it or the one where I can work hard on research questions, have nothing like a paper to show for it, but like science? What do I care about more, having the publications or doing what I want?

Hmm. I think I’d go down towards applying to another lab then. I want a lab that cares for its mentees and will provide them with support and projects to work on. In the end, I don’t care as much about the research field so much as that. I’m grateful I was in Newman’s lab even though I have no publications or anything. Because I loved her and her lab and how she always was there for me. Rather than if I was in the Zupan or Bergstrom lab, for example, and might have been stressed, seen as just another student worker lol.

I guess I just fantasize about leaving at the end of the year, and it’s extremely tantalizing. The idea of staying with the postbacs in my lab, spending a ton of time with them, and leaving on a (more) positive note at the end of April. But I don’t know. The amount of high stress and horrible experiences I’ll have to walk barefoot through from now until then, the amount of fear and sickening nausea that I’ll have to live through... will it all be worth it? Can I tolerate another year here? As opposed to another lab where I wouldn’t have to feel like I’m being picked on constantly.

Does this come down to me choosing my mental health versus my work? I think it does. I think it does. Can’t I be with the postbacs in my lab even if I left? If they are the reason, then they wouldn’t want me to be in pain I don’t think. What would be best for my mental health? Leaving. There’s no question. I would be significantly less stressed, jaded, heartbroken about who and what I am. What would be best for my career? And that gets iffy. Because staying would be best career-wise. But if I burn out and want to kill myself all the time, then there won’t be a career to worry about. I can tolerate only so much, these words constantly revolve around my mind. If I hate talking to Simo and don’t want to talk to Rafa, then there’s not much I can do.

I’m so scared. I’m so scared to leave.

Maybe I should set up a meeting with Simo. I don’t even know what I would say... “I’ve been wondering, since after the practice euthanasia and in general since the postbac poster day, I’ve been anxious about how you see me. I wanted to ask if you dislike me personally.” I don’t know. This is pretty direct but I think she prefers that anyway.

It’s sort of a yikes question. But maybe I should ask it nonetheless. It makes me nervous. But also maybe it’s good to ask...? I’m kinda numb and worried. :/// Sigh. But what’s the worst she can say, yes, I find you and your work highly disappointing and I dislike people who are like that. ? Or maybe, I don’t dislike you personally, but I find that your work has been frankly sloppy, careless, and you act like you don’t care about the project. I think your work has been disappointing, honestly. I don’t care about you personally, but I don’t think your work has been up to par at ALL, and I think it may be better for you to reconsider science and research.

How would I respond to that?

I appreciate you telling me that and reassuring me. I’m wondering in what way I can try harder or specifics in what I can do going forward?

That sounds reasonable. We can see if it works. It makes me nauseous inside to think about, but. We’ll see. It makes me incredibly tired. Is it worth trying to make things work with Simo? It’s just a constant fire hazard to work around her. And I’m incredibly stressed.

If she says something like I don’t have time for this, then I’ll know it’s time to leave. I’ll just try to leave at that point. And see how it goes. If she treats me like crap, then I’m done. It is, as Mounisha would say, game over.

Even if Simo treats me well this one time, then would it still be worth trying to change? If I’m wanting her to treat me badly just so I have a reason to go, then maybe it’s not worth it. But maybe Ms. Jackson is right, I should tell her straight up and see what Simo says. And then I’ll leave (or consider).