Regret

i call my parents and say ‘yeah i can’t do family stuff tonight, i got too much stuff to do for school’ and i e-mail my professor and say ‘i can’t do my assignments tonight, work got crazy’ and i text my boss and say ‘sorry i can’t work late tonight, i gotta some family stuff’ and through this triangulation of deceitful excuses i at last will be free

problem with dating apps is having to describe yourself in a way that makes you seem like a person with a rich interior life and sometimes you’re just not that guy. sometimes you’re just a guy who takes psychedelics and electrocutes himself constantly. and thats it

Lab Rat speaking to their Therapist

[text; I want slime. I want alien sex. I demand alien sex!]

Guy about to invent mayonnaise: damn I wish this sandwich tasted bad :/

op's never had pizza with mayonnaise 🙄

OP’s never throttled someone to death with their bare hands either but unlike what you said, that can change any second

the epic highs and lows of being known

the mortifiying ordeal of high school football

tony n carol said fuck your wrinkly balls

still the best marvel post of all time

Booty shorts with two QR codes on the ass that lead to a PDF of The Communist Manifesto and a page where you can stream Scooby Doo

I was drawing a bunch of pentagrams in my notebook during math class because I was bored and I think I drew 150 pentagrams in total before a devilish-looking guy wearing a red suit broke down the door of the classroom and yelled “wHAT the fUCK do you wANT?!”

this username escapes me every single time

I just witnessed a stone cold murder

do you vibe with her? do her vibes feel like home?

This is so specific and and yet i feel it in every bone in my body

you know…if I wore a mood ring it’d always say I’m in love