oh my god my soul is rotten

i literally wish my life was worse and i had less support so i could just cut myselfffffff like come onnnnnnn there are like very few downsides. i know how to not kill myself and it literally feels so good. and tbh is hot. but nooooo i have to have a partner who will worry and like a job and people will see my cuts when im like swimming or whatever and my family will worry and like. people expect me to be doing better aka not cutting but like cutting is literally fun and feels good and i like doing it. why can't i have this i wish i could just like. cast a spell and have people not care. seriously i am thinking about it like every day and wishing i could and like i even ran a knife across my skin but didn't cut the other day just to see if it would relieve any urges...it didn't.

whyyyyyyy do i always have to be the most special in the world. why do i always have to make things about me and be the focus and the one getting attention and the one :) the only one :) and also the one with the most craziest problems that part actually is the most stupid like okay i am kind of fucked up but why do i feel the need to tell that to everyoneeeee and make sure they know im REALLY fucked up. bc literally it could be worse? like it's actually not that bad. oh my goddddddddd why am i like this. i wonder if other people with bpd feel this like i cant stop what im doing but i hate myself for doing it. i'm sure they do but. whatever

keep thinking about this fantasy that i obviously can't tell anyone. i've been clean from cutting for like a year and a half and gotta stay clean, but i keep thinking of this fantasy of someone, a dom, over me as i'm holding a blade and they're telling me how to cut, where, how deep, telling me to go deeper, scolding me when i don't do a good enough job and praising me when i do

pretty sure i can't do this anymore

also sorry i keep changing my url and theme i really need people i know to not find this blog

can't stop crying. had a dream about my old therapist last night. i miss her i miss having something that felt consistent and comfortable like that, i miss feeling like there was someone to help me. i miss not having to be an adult and have to do adult things and have to act like a real person. at least back then it was expected of me to act like an emotional wreck. i miss my therapist so much i really loved her and she made me feel even a tiny bit hopeful when i felt horrible otherwise. it helped that she was just there. i don't know why im feeling so much grief over this, i haven't seen her in 5 years, really, but i guess ive been chasing that relationship ever since, ive never found a therapist ive felt the same way about. it probably wasn't 100% healthy back then anyways, i think i idolized her too much and maybe had some weird romantic stuff going on because i often did with adult women when i was a teenager, but i still miss who she was to me, how it made me feel when she was proud of me, how i could really tell her anything. there is one person in my life i can tell anything, but she can't really help. and she's not my therapist anyways so it's not the same and it shouldn't be. i don't even know if going back to my old therapist would be the same, i doubt it would. it would probably be bad for my career too, since we are basically colleagues at this point. i wish i could just go back and see her as a teenager one more time, tell her about my problems just to have her listen and hear what she would tell me. i've been feeling nostalgic for my teenage years lately even though i know they were really really terrible. but i can't help remembering the good feelings i had too, and they were so strong because of how unbalanced i was back then, and i was happy about all the wrong things, but i was still happy. i don't think ive felt truly happy in a while and it's weighing on me. adult life is really hard and i don't think it'll get easier. i don't even know if the path i've chosen for myself is going to make my life better or worse. i don't know if any of this is worth it. i've felt suicidal for the first time in a long time in the past few days, i think because im sick and it's making my brain super vulnerable, so i think it'll go away. but it's still happening. everything feels so heavy. there's so much that's my responsibility and it feels impossible to keep doing all this but there's no way to fix it, i can't go back to being a kid i can't go back in time i can't relive those moments and logically i know they were bad anyways, but god it feels like it would be a relief. i don't know how anybody lives their life without feeling like this. i don't think i was meant to live a full life, not when my brain is broken in the way it is and my body is broken too. it doesn't feel worth it, i want to try again, die and come back hopefully as something less broken.

also literally i have objectively an amazing life but im so broken i cant even appreciate it

i'm too sad + can't remember how to use my skills + other people in the world are getting more attention than me + i'm afraid i'm ruining my relationship and i'm gonna fp her and fuck everything up in my life by making the relationship unhealthy + i can't stop crying + im worried im not gonna be able to graduate and do my job even though im smart and i want to + i don't think im capable of doing the job anyways + im too mentally ill to do it. what is there even to live for

i wish i was special i wish i was the most sick person in the world and everyone would tell me how hard it must be to live my life and how much they care about me and how worried they are about my safety and how much they want to fuck me and how hot it is when i cut myself and how sad it is when i cut myself and how impressive and smart i am and how sick i am and how depressed i must be and beg me not to kill myself and hold me and hit me and fuck me