can't stop crying. had a dream about my old therapist last night. i miss her i miss having something that felt consistent and comfortable like that, i miss feeling like there was someone to help me. i miss not having to be an adult and have to do adult things and have to act like a real person. at least back then it was expected of me to act like an emotional wreck. i miss my therapist so much i really loved her and she made me feel even a tiny bit hopeful when i felt horrible otherwise. it helped that she was just there. i don't know why im feeling so much grief over this, i haven't seen her in 5 years, really, but i guess ive been chasing that relationship ever since, ive never found a therapist ive felt the same way about. it probably wasn't 100% healthy back then anyways, i think i idolized her too much and maybe had some weird romantic stuff going on because i often did with adult women when i was a teenager, but i still miss who she was to me, how it made me feel when she was proud of me, how i could really tell her anything. there is one person in my life i can tell anything, but she can't really help. and she's not my therapist anyways so it's not the same and it shouldn't be. i don't even know if going back to my old therapist would be the same, i doubt it would. it would probably be bad for my career too, since we are basically colleagues at this point. i wish i could just go back and see her as a teenager one more time, tell her about my problems just to have her listen and hear what she would tell me. i've been feeling nostalgic for my teenage years lately even though i know they were really really terrible. but i can't help remembering the good feelings i had too, and they were so strong because of how unbalanced i was back then, and i was happy about all the wrong things, but i was still happy. i don't think ive felt truly happy in a while and it's weighing on me. adult life is really hard and i don't think it'll get easier. i don't even know if the path i've chosen for myself is going to make my life better or worse. i don't know if any of this is worth it. i've felt suicidal for the first time in a long time in the past few days, i think because im sick and it's making my brain super vulnerable, so i think it'll go away. but it's still happening. everything feels so heavy. there's so much that's my responsibility and it feels impossible to keep doing all this but there's no way to fix it, i can't go back to being a kid i can't go back in time i can't relive those moments and logically i know they were bad anyways, but god it feels like it would be a relief. i don't know how anybody lives their life without feeling like this. i don't think i was meant to live a full life, not when my brain is broken in the way it is and my body is broken too. it doesn't feel worth it, i want to try again, die and come back hopefully as something less broken.