Why did I come in here again?

I cannot stop crying.

So Monday, November 20th, I had my very first ECT treatment (electroconvulsive therapy, or shock therapy as most people call it).

I was terrified all day long about what was going to happen. Sure, I’ve seen it being performed and I know of all the risks and more importantly; the benefits. But really this was something brand new to me.

When my psychiatrist first said I might want to give it a go I was terrified. “I’m not nearly that crazy, am I?”

But despite adding new medications and treatments, my disorder showed no signs of surrender.

So after much consideration, I decided that maybe this was where I should go next.

Told my psychiatrist that I was ready to give it a go.

Anywho, Monday was my first treatment.

My mom, dad, and I go to the hospital at 2 for my 230 appt. the psych aide called my name to come into the back pretty much right away.

First he had me use the bathroom, then he showed me to the procedure room and had me lie down on the stretcher.

I was hooked up to the monitors first, then the nurse came in to introduce herself and start my IV.

Next, the nurse asked me to remember three words and 4 numbers (circle purple apple and 9531) to test my pre-treatment memory.

A medical student came into the room and introduced himself and told me he was going to clean my forehead with an alcohol wipe, the attach the electrode stickers to my head.

Shortly after the anesthesiologist came in, asked me more of the same questions the nurse had already asked me and said we would be getting started as soon as the psychiatrist got into the room.

With everyone there, we did the time out to confirm that everything was going down was correct and blahblahblah.

I quickly asked what type of ECT they were doing on me (bifrontal) before drifting to sleep for a short nap.

Obviously from then on I have no idea what happened.

But when I was finally coherent enough to get out of the stretcher they brought me to a recliner chair in the recovery room where my parents were already waiting for me (at least that’s what I think, I just know for sure they were sitting with me until I was given the go ahead to leave.

The first thing I remember upon waking up was “holy fuck my head is about to explode” and “I’m definitely going to vomit all over the floor”

I was given some Zofran and Toradol, neither of which really helped, but hey, they tried.

They had me sit there for a little while, no idea how long, until the psychiatrist said I was awake enough to go.

I was wheeled out to the car with my mom and dad in tow and braced myself for every bump we hit. I don’t know if I had my eyes opened much during this car ride back to my moms, I just know that everything hurt and I wanted to go to sleep in order to make this migraine go away.

Hung out on the couch at my moms house for a bit, then my dad and I drove back to my apartment. All I wanted to do was put a cool wet washcloth on my head and some soup (both of which I got. Thanks pops).

Don’t remember much else from Monday, but, overall, it was a pretty good experience.

Don’t know when they’ll call me but I hope it’s really soon and I hope there’s no waiting list or anything because I really need it because these hallucinations and the paranoia are eating me alive and the medications don’t work.