Brister-isms

Science needs to hurry up and make me live a couple of hundred years, because I've got a lot of shit I'd like to do... but I'm also really lazy.

If my unattended hobbies were dingoes, we'd be fresh out of babies.

I am thankful that our universe did not collide with another one today, thereby distorting physics and making math harder than it already is.

I will probably never need a gynecological exam, but I’ve ridden the Matterhorn at Disneyland, so I know how to sit for one.

Dear Jesus, Some random post on Facebook just informed me that you died for my sins. I swear I didn’t know. I would’ve sent a card or bought you lunch or something. But, if it makes you feel better, I’ve definitely made it worth your effort. As sins go, I picked some really good ones.

When Extra says they have spoilers for your favorite TV show, don’t worry. What they really have is 11 seconds of stock footage, 4 seconds of cast members saying, “everything changes this season”, and then an update of what Caitlyn Jenner had for lunch.