I'm doing this for me!

you and Joseph had been trying for a baby for a year and a half. it had been the hardest year and a half of your life. seeing each pregnancy test, one after the other being negative, took a massive toll on your mental health. sex felt like a chore instead of being enjoyable, it's not that it wasn't filled with love, it was just the thought that you were trying and nothing was working.

Joseph had just come back from doing an interview with Jamie for Esquire, seeing you sat in the living room watching Orange is the new Black. he hated how this made you feel. he could see the bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep, he could see your bloodshot eyes from all the crying. your whole being just looked defeated. he hated that all this made you feel so bad about yourself.

last year when you both started trying, decided to go to the doctors to discuss IVF treatment which worked for about a month. you were pregnant for one month and then one morning, you woke up to the worst cramps you'd ever felt and Joseph had to rush you to the hospital where you were both informed that you had lost your precious baby.

it had been the worse day of your life after finding that out and it was one thing you'd never be able to forget. the hole in your heart had never been filled and Joseph felt the same. he hated seeing you so down and he felt the same when he lost his beautiful baby. seeing your friends and family having babies made you jealous and you hated the way you felt whenever you found out another one was pregnant. you were then sat on your vanity chair, getting ready for a family dinner for Joseph's mums birthday. after Joseph’s interview, he also got ready and was waiting for you.

you'd taken a pregnancy test earlier that day, it being negative again. you hated the negative thoughts that would come through your mind. what if Joseph left you for someone who could actually give him a baby? would he still love you even if you couldn't have kids? you were pulled out of your thoughts when Joseph shouted your name, luckily you only needed to slip on your shoes so you got up from your vanity, put on your shoes and walked to the front door.

Joseph your handbag in his hand, holding it out for you to take which made your heart melt. it was the little things he did for you which made your love for him grow. you walked hand in hand to his car and he opened the door for you to get in. the whole car ride was silent. you didn't really know what to talk about. Joseph's hand was on your thigh as he drove, your hand on top of his.

you arrived at the restaurant 20 minutes later, not wanting to look moody and upset you put on the best fake smile you could, trying to make it look as genuine as possible. before you walked into the restaurant, Joseph stopped you from entering it. "hey stop a second" he said, making you turn around to him, a confused look on your face.

"i know today was hard, a lot harder than the other times but we seriously don't have to stay here for long" he said, his thumb stroking your hand softly. you sighed. "Joseph, it's your mums birthday, i'll feel bad if we didn't stay till the end" you said, looking up at him. he shook his head and lent in to kiss your cheek. "we can leave whenever you want love. just give me a nudge" he said, making you nod your head.

you both walked into the restaurant, seeing all of Joseph's close family there. his mum, dad, brother and his wife and his sister and her husband. you said your hellos, giving his mum and dad a hug and then sat down next to Joseph. he had his hand on your thigh as you all listened to his mum talk about what she had done that day. "and your dad took me to the beach and then we went home, got dressed and came here" she finished, you had the biggest smile on your face as you listened to her.

his mum and dads relationship was the cutest thing you'd ever seen. "mum we got you something, it's not much but uhh we think you'll like it" Joseph's sister said, the attention now on her. you looked at Joseph who was confused, they'd all put money together to get her a gift and now she'd also gotten her own one for her as well. he watched as his mum opened the small bag, her eyes lighting up when she saw the positive pregnancy test at the bottom.

"oh my god. i'm going to be a grandma" she said, her voice was filled with happiness and her face lit up. your heart sank. you really really wanted to be happy for your sister in law but you couldn't. watching his mums smile widen as she hugged her daughter filled you with hurt and jealousy. any other day you would have been so happy for her but seeing the negative test just this morning made seeing this even more upsetting.

Joseph's hand on your thigh tightened as he watched your face drop from the smile to a frown then back to a small smile, trying to act happy. you looked at Joseph who had a sympathetic smile on his face. everyone got up from the table and hugged his sister, including you, but the more they spoke about it, the more it hurt to listen.

your eyes welled up with tears as his sister showed off her growing bump and scan photos, she spoke about how she was 23 weeks along and how they're finding out the gender in three weeks. your bottom lip started to quiver as you kept listening, the pang of sadness in your heart getting the better of you. "i'm gonna go to the bathroom quickly" you whispered to Joseph, who looked at you with a knowing look on his face. he nodded his head and watched as you walked off to the bathroom.

"y/n has been gone for a while, is she okay?" his brother said, making everyone turn to look at him. he sighed and nodded, standing up from the table to go check you were okay. "she's fine, i'll be back in a second" he replied, tucking his chair in before walking to the bathroom. he lent up against the door and heard your sniffles and hiccups as you tried to calm down. he knocked on the door softly, hearing your sniffles suddenly stop.

"y/n? it's me sweetheart. can you let me in?" Joseph said in a soft tone. he heart you sigh before the bathroom door unlocked. he opened the door and walked in, seeing you sat on the toilet lid, mascara smudged down your cheeks. he closed the door and locked it again before walking towards you. he walked towards you and put his hands out for you to grab, helping you stand up. he pulled you into a hug, your arms falling around his waist as your head rested on his chest.

he held you close as you sobbed into his chest, embarrassed, hurt and jealous of his sister. "i shouldn't be so upset but i am" you said, sobs raking through your body. he nodded his head and kissed your hair, his hand rubbing up and down your back as he tried to comfort you. "i know sweetheart, i know" he replied, his heart clenching as he heard your sobs.

"you wanna leave?" he asked, his hand moving to your hair and ran his fingers through it. you sighed before nodding your head, feeling bad for leaving his mum on her birthday. "do you think you could grab my bag? i feel a bit embarrassed" you said, pulling away from his chest and neck eyes looking up at him. he nodded his head and wiped your cheeks clean of the mascara. "go get into the car and i'll say my goodbyes" he said, leaning in to kiss you. you reciprocated and walked away from him, walking to the car.

Joseph walked out of the bathroom and walked back to the table, hearing them talking about his brothers promotion. “oh Joseph love, where’s y/n?” his mum said, not seeing you with him. he sighed before picking up your bag. “she’s sick, she wasn’t feeling too good earlier and missed work. she was adamant on coming tonight for your birthday” he finished, looking at his mums sympathetic smile. “oh bless her, you could if cancelled i wouldn’t have minded. we could have met up tomorrow” she said, standing up from the table.