somebody call 911, shawty fire burning on the dancefloor

“All these years and can’t you see that what we need are so far apart from being the same?” Despite what she was saying, she wasn’t trying to end them. Yes, that desire came up many times but she fought herself on it more than he knew. “What you want and what I want really doesn’t have a meeting ground. It’s just you and me constantly having to give in to the other. All you do is compromise and sacrifice and even after that the things you want still feel like too much. No you aren’t putting me in a box but can you honestly look at me, Brennan, and say that there isn’t a part of you that feels like someday this will be easier?” Her eyes scanned his. “That some day the sacrifices won’t have to be so big? And you are asking me for more whether you see that or not. I mean, God, we went from you saying that casual dating was enough to you wanting to marry me? I wanted nothing from this and you…” She was trying so hard to hold on to her emotions. “You kept making me love you and I know for a lot of people they think that how long this has taken is crazy but I don’t know how we got here.”

“It doesn’t have a meeting ground when every problem that comes up we do this,” he shrugged. “Just talk about how different we are and how far apart our desires are. And I get it-- I get where you’re coming from. But what I keep telling you, and keep telling myself is we’ll figure it out, I don’t know what it looks like, but I know we’re here,” he wet his lower lip. “And it is crazy, I don’t know how we got here either, but the fact is we’ve both made compromises to be here, and it’s because we want to be. No matter how badly you don’t want to be here... you do,” he shrugged. “Or you wouldn’t be. And I don’t have some grand plan to make things easier for us, but I think the way to build something that works for us is to not do this with every bump in the road-- not to look at our entire relationship, but to look at the problem at hand. And if having this conversation is something you need, that’s fine, we can. And maybe this isn’t the right setting, but I think what we need to do is to come up with a plan for the next time this happens.” There was more surety in his tone than there normally was with these things, more stability, more something. Maybe it was as simple as the security of the engagement. That the fear was there, but there was some semblance of security. “And yeah, I am asking more of you here, and maybe that feels overwhelming right now, but the feeling of my fiance-- my wife-- just being gone feels overwhelming to me. So we both compromise, we both push past it and I think in time it won’t-- it won’t be overwhelming, it will be what we do.”

Instinctively she still wanted to pull away when he touched her at times like this but she felt like she owed it to him. Like the physical contact was a small intimacy she could give him despite everything. “But that is the thing, Brennan. I don’t have more to give you. It’s not like this is something that I plan for. It just happens, okay? This is why I knew that I was better off not being with someone.” This and many more they had argued about.  “I love you but I wasn’t meant for this and we both know that. This life that you want with me… I don’t know how to do it and I’m trying for you but I never going to stop taking steps back like I think you believe that I will. And I know this isn’t how things are supposed to be handled but this is the best that I can do right now. You are constantly still asking for more and I feel like when I give you my version of it, it really isn’t ever enough.”

“I don’t need you to stop taking steps back, I just need you to try,” he shrugged, chewing on his lip. “And I don’t think that you’re not trying. I see you’re trying, I see it every day,” he shrugged, and he did. But it didn’t stop him from thinking a lot of what she was saying was a cop out, that it was just easier for her to believe she wasn’t capable of more. “We’re doing this life together, March, and I’m not trying to fit you into some box I have. I’m trying to build it with you. To what we both need it to be. But I don’t think that’s fair,” he shrugged. “You just left, Alex. I had no idea why or for how long, you were just going,” he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m telling you that I’m okay with you taking the time, I’m just asking for a reassurance when you’re leaving with a bag packed, I don’t think it’s fair to use that to say I’m constantly asking more of you.”

Her eyes were downcast as she listened. For once, compared to many of their arguments, she understood what he was saying, but it didn’t change everything she felt either. “I know that you are trying to understand but the fact is, is you never will, Brennan. And I don’t expect you to because you may love me more than anyone else could be capable of but you never will really understand me. If you did you’d know that this isn’t just about these things being hard for me. It’s going against every single thing that feels right. And to you it seems so easy to just tell you that I need to hit pause but I am so scared of myself that if you just agree to it then I am going to get comfortable enough to push it all away again. I didn’t want to have some big discussion that would give me every reason just to completely stop it all and sitting there and talking it out is exactly what you would want to do.”

“I know that. I know I won’t understand you,” he nodded, keeping his tone quiet. He needed this to be constructive, not combative. His hand fell to hers, squeezing it gently, but he hated how much he was just scared she’d pull it back. “I need you to be able to tell me these things,” he turned to look at her. “And if you can’t handle it being a discussion, you can tell me that, and I’ll respect it. But I-- Alex, I can’t do this. I can’t come home to your bags packed or worse you just gone every time you’re feeling this way for the rest of our lives. And I’m not-- I am really not trying to minimize what you’re going through, but I--” he shook his head and bit down on his lip. “I can handle you taking space, but I need...more from you next time. I need to at least know when you’re coming back.” Really it felt like if she were coming back, and it was that thought that made him cast his eyes back down.

He was saying so little and she didn’t know what to do with that. She was used to him saying more than she wanted. His long speeches and now he seemed to be settling for less, throwing her off. “It was getting too much. The venue, the dress, the finality of forever… I had to get out of it all for a little before that too much made me do something I’d regret.”

He closed his eyes at her explanation, trying to hide his emotions over it. The things she listed were all positives to him, hearing her list them as a reason to get away stung more than he could express, but he knew her reasons were complicated and valid. “You could have said that to me. You could have asked to take a break from planning it. I’m trying to be respectful and understanding, but our ideas of you taking space were not the same. Having you just be gone, for God knows how long, it’s--” he shook his head and held back on what he was going to say. That it was unnerving, painful, exhausting, and above all else terrifying. “It sucks.”

Alex bit her lip, feeling guilty. Her eyes stared out into the water like him. “I just wanted space Brennan. Not a complete break.” Though that temptation always sat there in the back of her mind.

Brennan nodded, taking another sip to take a beat. “Well, I don’t really know what that means honestly,” he shrugged, opening his mouth to say more, but he opted against it, just shutting himself up with another sip. He didn’t want it to become an argument, while he had moments of anger, that wasn’t really what he felt in this.

It was rare to see him like this and it made her stomach sick. “I wasn’t going to come,” she confessed. “Just wanted to see if you were here.”

Brennan knew that an engagement wouldn’t erase their problems and struggles, but he also hadn’t seen this coming. It was hard not to feel a lot of things, hurt and tired seemingly taking over most of the space. “Thought that would be what kept you away honestly.” He wasn’t trying to jab, the words true.

@brennan-winters​

“No dumb dare to jump in yet for some work piece?” She approached him a bit cautiously.

“Nope, night off from the hard grind,” he deadpanned, taking a sip of his beer, looking off into the water. “Didn’t really expect you to be here.”

Her eyes fell down to the bag as he lifted it. “I was going to call you.” She felt more hesitant with the items in her hands. “I… I’m just… I’m leaving for a bit.”

Brennan’s brows pulled together at her words, his confusion evident, but what he tried to hide was the way his heart dropped into his stomach. The way he felt immediately heavy. “What do you mean you’re leaving?”

@brennan-winters​

“You’re… You’re back early,” her voice was surprised but quiet. Her motions a bit more timid than they were moments ago as she packed the bag.

Brennan’s brows tugged together when he saw the bag. “Good thing, apparently. What is this?” He made his way to the bag, lifting it up, just to drop it.

@brennan-winters

“I come in peace,” he held up the six pack he had picked up on the way.

“Only six though? How are we gonna get fucked up on that?” He joked with a straight face, opening up the door, motioning in.

Alex: It's not something we can know either way. You are dumb but you're not too dumb to notice the dumbness. No one is going to want that. There are other places to eat. Majority! The middle aged ladies can have you because that would just be disgusting. Stop saying it.

“I’m not looking to save you from this relationship, Brennan. I’m trying to open your eyes to how it won’t fucking work the way that it is. You want to think I’m an asshole for that? That I am being a shitty brother not just being happy for you then fine. I can let you be mad at me because I rather that then just be quiet,” Rhett shrugged. “You’ve been living it for years but you were never actually together and now you are committing to a marriage. A marriage that yeah, sounds like a really bad fucking idea but if it’s what you want then it’s what you want but you can’t actually sit there and tell me that you don’t think things need to change!”

Alex felt like the kid in trouble as he grabbed her stuff. She had no desire to be alone with him right now. Didn’t want to face the consequences of it all. “Then I’ll go to another bar. If you don’t want to come. I can get Uber.” She grabbed her purse from him not looking at him. “Problem solved.”

“Alex, seriously?” He let out in a louder voice. A defeated sigh left him as he shook his head. “You really have to do this after the fucking stunt you pulled today? You can’t just make this easy and come home with me?”

Alex: Or maybe we would have gotten here faster without it. Why do you insist on asking the stupidest questions? That placed closed I think. Clean the bugs, Brennan. If you start wearing a speedo and aviators I will divorce you. Okay then.

Alex: It isn't a good thing. And this is the last bit of input you are allowed to have moving forward. If that is what you want. I can show you around. Pretty sure dead bugs and algae should be in your standards of what to clean. You're sacrificing so much, I just want to make sure.

Alex: You annoying me seems to be the one thing to count on. Yeah of course you'll have to tell me what you need for your space and what is ideal. I could get a week off if you want to go. You can be in charge of cleaning it since you'll be home. But Brennan are you really sure about all this? I know that you wanted me to keep the house for me but do you really want to move there and leave everything you have here?

Alex: I guess I didn't think about you just having to work from home. Obviously I am going to want my space but I just don't want to be one of those couples that just holes up in their own spot every night. I can make plans to build an office off the back. If we just take off the back porch you can get a decent space in there without cutting into the yard and pool area. That way it's part of the house.