Undefined

Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry for fb memories showing me how far I’ve come. Sometimes I have to laugh so I don’t cry.

It’s been 7 months since you last left me on read. The first 4 months I was upset, devastated I dare say. These last 3 months? Absolutely LIVID.

All I do is care about you, all you do is not give a shit. I felt like when we could be friends I could get over the fact that we just didn’t end up how we thought we would. But then you left. Again. And I sit here triggered as fuck because that is what you always did. You could never be friends with me. And I don’t understand why. Any time it was our friendship instead of a relationship you dipped. And as it turns out those feelings are still very raw.

Why didn’t you ever come back? You knew how to get ahold of me. You chose this path and forced me to chose mine. And don’t get me wrong I’ve got a real winner, but like the fact that I wasn’t worth it enough for you to come back and face me still eats me alive to this day. I’m so glad you could get over it, you were the one who left so... and honestly when I started dating Adam there was a time that I didn’t even think of you everyday. I wondered where you were, hoped you were happy but it didn’t consume me. Sometimes I think it was a mistake to come back to you. Idk what told me to look you up, but I hate it.

I just wanted this time to be different, in my ideal world we could be friends, we could be friends with each other’s significant others and it would be cool. Truth be told I could probably be good friends with her. But at the end of the day you chose finding her over coming back to me and I still struggle with how much that hurt. And there’s a lot I regret.

And honestly, fuck Taylor Swift for releasing Taylor’s version of Fearless because that album got me through your bullshit. And now I just picture you and her listening to it and I just wonder if you ever think of me.

I went through a lot during covid and I tried to reach out and make sure you were doing okay. You never cared enough to do the same. And as much as I want to wish you the best I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. And you’re the only one who has that power over me. My ex Adam, fucking over that shit. But you, I won’t ever be over it. But I owe to myself to try. I just want to scream fuck you because you deserve it. My god do you deserve it. I’ll never understand how someone can hurt the same person over and over and over again. The last time you blocked me from messaging you I simply asked you to tell me next time.

Clearly you two are happy and doing well. Even though your girl tweets you’re poor and need money from cash app but yet you’re trying to “convince” btw tell her it’s conceive. And good luck with that. I hope you two get your shit together.

That’s another thing that crosses my head a lot, you two cheated on each other like crazy. Something tells me you would’ve continued to cheat on me. And I hope you change that. I hope she changes that.

I’ll be in New York in the next year or 2 wedding dress shopping, but you wouldn’t know that, and I’ll think of you. And I’ll probably reach out to no avail because god forbid.

Sometimes I wish I had just bought a ticket with my part time job back in 2012 and just gotten to you somehow. Maybe things would be different. But if they had been different then I wouldn’t have met Chris. And he’s been more stable for me than you ever were. And we’ve been through some real shit. And even though yours and my love with always be my first love, his is stable and it’s reliable and it’s vulnerable and it’s everything I needed. And it was all in God’s plan.

Btw, Taylor’s new albums that shit hits home for me. This is me trying. I don’t need your closure. You know when it’s time to go.

But I have to leave you in 2020. I always thought the closure I needed was meeting you. And I will always wish that happened, but maybe the closure I needed was just making sure you were alive and okay.

If you wanted me in your life you would’ve found me. You could’ve always found me. But you didn’t. And I have to come to terms with that. They say you can’t be friends with your exes. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know you don’t check tumblr anymore. Thank god. Cause this is the only place I can go to speak of you. I will think of you often. When certain songs come on. When I stumble across the last letter you sent me. When a memory of you hits me like a train. I will try to remember the good times, not the times you hurt me. I will always wish you well and I will always be rooting for you.

You deserve happiness. You deserve goodness. You deserve the most out of this life and I hope you never stop chasing it. Because it’s out there, and it’s worth it.

I have a pretty good guess, but that’s all it is. Maybe it’s easier this way, to just get ghosted versus being told goodbye. You always ghosted me. And here I am, still giving a fuck about you. Still worried about how you’re doing and still caring. I will always love you and I’m sorry that bothers her. But this is just childish to me. We’re both in relationships, that chapter for us ended a long time ago. It’s just wild to me that we can’t be friends.

Maybe it shouldn’t hurt but it does. What hurts the most is I know if you messaged me for any reason I’d still reply in a heartbeat. I’d still be here. But I’m tired of being walked all over and only there when it’s convenient for other people.

I wish you the best. I hope you both shape up and treat each other better. I hope you get everything you want in life. Genuinely, I hope you are happy.